Ash runs over to Inuyasha after her stint with a sock bandage on her hand. (Note: to get the full effect of the bandage comment, please see the first chapter of Rurouni Bride)
Ash: Ouchie! Hold me.
Inuyasha: Fermata moment again?
Ash: (whine-squeaks) Yes...
Inuyasha: (rolls eyes) Feh! (spots Kouji running over to Ash. Sweeps her up and jumps away) MINE!
Jess: Not again. You freakin' idiots!
Chichiri: (standing behind her with hands on his hips) Da! (agreeing)
KOUJI STANDS LOOKING UP AT INUYASHA, WHO IS HIDING WITH ASH IN THE RAFTERS, AND SHAKES HIS FURRY FIST. THERE IS A SUDDEN COMOTION AND A WAR CRY AND KOUJI IS TACKLED TO THE GROUND.
Beanerbaby: (singing) Kouji my love!
A GRAPPLING FIGHT ENSUES WITH KOUJI TRYING TO GET AWAY AND BEANERBABY HOLDING ON TENACIOUSLY. THE BLUE FURRED WOOKIEE FINALLY MANAGES TO GET TO HIS FEET, BUT CAN'T GET BEANERBABY DISLODGED FROM HIS LEG. HE FINALLY GIVES UP AND GOES TO SEARCH FOR TASUKI WITH A WALK-DRAG-WALK-DRAG GAIT.
Jess: Now that's devotion.
Chichiri: No. That's scary, no da.
STARIKO COMES RUNNING IN AND LOOKS AROUND FRANTICALLY.
Stariko: Where's Tasuki?
Ash: Down the hall, second door on the left, Monique.
Stariko: (giving Ash a scared look) Thanks, but I'm not Monique. (runs off down the hall)
Ash: I could have sworn she was a French foreign exchange student.
Inuyasha: (cuddles) Let's go take five sweetie.
Jess: I guess we'll get on with the show now...
The Parody Strikes Back (part one)
STAR FIELD COMES UP AND LARGE YELLOW LETTERS BEGIN TO SCROLL FROM BOTTOM TO TOP.
LONG AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY... HOTH!
Ash: What about it?
Keisuke: I'm thinkin'! I'm thinkin'!
Big yellow letters again
IT WAS COLD! MUCH TO COLD FOR SNOW CONES. THE METAL WAS COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE A TAUN-TAUN'S TONGUE TO IT.
Jess: What do the mounts have to do with anything?
Keisuke: Just shut up and let me work!
More big yellow letters.
AND SO OUR HEROS FIND THEMSELVES ON THIS TAUN-TAUN TONGUE FREEZING PLANET.
Tasuki: It'll freeze more than a Taun-taun's tongue. (shivers)
Keisuke: They said to keep it PG. I can't talk about that...
Tasuki: Since when have we ever managed to keep this PG?
Keisuke: Point. NOW CAN I PLEASE FINISH MY JOB WITHOUT ANY MORE INTERRUPTIONS!
Everyone vacates the area within five miles of Keisuke. Keisuke cracks knuckles and types furiously. More yellow letters...
LUKE, HAVING LOST A BET AND DESPERATELY NEEDING MONEY, AND HAVING HEARD THAT THERE'S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS, TAKES OFF LIKE AND IDIOT ON HIS OWN. LUCKY FOR HIM (or unlucky as the case may be) HAN SOLO THINKS THIS IS A PATROL MISSION AND FOLLOWS ON HIS TAUN-TAUN
Tasuki: Whatchya doin'?
Tamahome: Nuthin'.
Tasuki: Where'er ya goin'?
Tamahome: Nowhere.
Tasuki: (brightly) Can I come?
Tamahome: (oni flaring on his forehead and thinking of having to split the loot two ways) NO!
Tasuki: Why not?
Tamahome: Just go back to the base Tasuki.
Tasuki: It's Han, and... (whining) I don't wanna and you can't make me!
Tamahome: (growling in disgust. Suddenly brightens) Okay, you can come. I was just going to see your mother about some milk.
Tasuki: (screams and races back to the base)
Tamahome: (laughs to self and keeps on going)
LUKE'S TAUN-TAUN BEGINS TO ACT FUNNY, SNORTING AND PAWING AT THE GROUND.
Tamahome: What's up girl. Do you smell gold?
Taun-taun: Gguuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (trans: Timmy fell into the well)
Tamahome: (perplexed) Is this a Lassie reference?
Wompa: No idiot, it's Taun-taun humor.
WOMPA WHACKS LUKE UPSIDE THE HEAD AND OUR HERO FALLS INTO THE SNOW, UNCONSCIOUS.
Wompa: Whoops...
Taun-taun: Gggggarrrrrrruuuuuurrrrrrrr (trans: Ya think?)
Wompa: (looking at the Taun-taun) Well then, lunch?
Taun-taun: (passes out from fright)
Wompa: Oh for the love of...
WOMPA ICE CREATURE DRAGS BOTH UNCONSCIOUS BODIES OFF TO HIS CAVE. WHEN LUKE AWAKENS NEXT HE IS HANGING FROM HIS FEET, FREEZIN HIS TOOTSIES OFF SINCE THEY ARE ENCASED IN ICE. HE GLANCES ABOUT THE CAVE AND SPOTS THE WOMPA WITH... HIS UNCLE OWEN AND AUNT BERU.
Tamahome: (in alarm, shock, confusion and utter disbelief) NANI! What are you two doing here?
Aunt Beru:(AKA Suburu for any of you who have forgotten from episode one) (She puases from taking a picture of Uncle Owen posing in a fight stance with the Wompa.) You told us about this place dear, don't you remember?
Tamahome: but...but...
Uncle Owen: (AKA Tokaki..again, for those who may have forgotten...) And you were right. Most of the Wompa's ARE hybernating this time of the year. (Slings arm around Wompa's shoulder in a buddy kind of manner and give camera cheesy grin. Wompa smiles as well and scares the hell out of the camera lens which suddenly cracks)
Aunt Beru: Oh dear. We go through more camera that way...Looks like that's the last on dear. Our camera is dead.
Uncle Owen: Well, it was a wonderful eggsalad lunch, Mr Wompa. And thanks for the snow cone dessert. You have fun with the Wompa now, Luke. Your Aunt and I are off to join up with the tour group again.
Tamahome: NO! WAIT! Don't leave me hangin!
Owen: (chuckling and shaking head) You kids and your slang term... lol... leave you hanging! That was a good one. See ya!
Tamahome: (looks at his feet, back at Tokaki, then his feet again.) WHAT PART OF HANGING DON"T YOU GET?
OWEN AND BERU LEAVE THE WOMPA CAVE, HAPPILY IGNORING THEIR NEPHEW AND READY TO SEE THE NEXT SIGHT ON THE TOUR ATTRACTION. LUKE LOOKS ABOUT AND SPOTS HIS LIGHTSABER STUCK IN THE SNOW, LIT UP AND BEING USED AS A NIGHT LIGHT.
Tamahome: HEY! That is serious equipment! You shouldn't use it for something so trivial!
Wompa: Trivial? You should try getting to the bathroom at night without stubbing your toes on one of those ice stalagmights! (Hold up toes which are all wrapped in gauze from numerous meetings with afore mentioned stalagmights.)
Tamahome: (oni flaring) I DON"T CARE! THAT THING COSTS MONEY! (busts feet out from ceiling) LUCAS LOANED THOSE TO US AND MADE US SWEAR ON THE MIKO OF SUZAKU THAT WE WOULD BRING THEM BACK IN GOOD WORKING CONDITION AND YOU-
THE WOMPA SNAGS THE WEAPON AND SHOVES IT AT LUKE. SHOVES HIM OUT OF THE CAVE AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. HE JUST CAN'T HANDLE ALL THE HIGH PITCHED HISSY FITTING. DUE TO THE SUDDEN CHANGE IN AIR TEMPERATURE (from the relative warmth of the Wampa's cave to the frigid cold of outside) LUKE PASSES OUT.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE REBEL BASE, HAN AND CHEWIE ARE CALLED INTO THE COMMAND CENTER.
Yui: There you two are.
Tasuki: Wait! I thought you were playing Mon Mothma. That part's over.
Yui: Aparently the authoresses have decided to give me another part... Anyway, we just had something strange plunk down in the south-east quadrant of out territory.
Kouji: Wer warrrrrrrrrrrrrr gurrrrrrrrrrrrrr (trans: Probably Tasuki's mom)
Tasuki: Gah! Don't say that Kouji. It'd be like her to visit me while I was shooting a film.
Kouji: (laughs)
Yui: Will you two stop messing around and go check that anomaly out?
Tasuki: (to Kouji) Did she just say alimony?
Miaka: (randomly appearing) No, baka. She said abalone.
Yui: (whacks both of them into the ground) You are both BAKAS!
Don Tacos: Cow?
Yui: I SAID 'BAKA' NOT 'BOCA'! And who the hell are you?
Don Tacos: I am... OUTTA HERE! (vanished in a cloud of dust)
Tasuki, Kouji, Yui: Chichiri!
SAID MONK APPEARS IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE
Chichiri: Hai, no da?
Tasuki: Don't give us that kawaii 'hai, no da?'. What the hell were you doing here calling youreself Don Tacos?
Chichiri: (perplexed) I was with Jess. (blushes)
Jess: (stalking into the set) I can vouch for that and if you call him away again for such a stupid reason, I'll hang you and replace you!
GRABS CHICHIRI'S HAND AND STALKS OFF
Tasuki: Damn, that must have been some make out session we interrupted.
Ash: (walking past with a steaming cup of hot cocoa) Did you guys see Don Tacos?
Tasuki, Kouji, Yui: Ano... hai?
Ash: Oh good. I thought I'd missed him. I've got to tell him how great his cocoa is. He's Juan Valdez's cousin.
THREE ACTORS FACEFAULT AS ASH WALKED OFF SET
Ash: (yelling over her shoulder) The anomaly is waiting...!
Yui: (recovering) Han, Chewie, get out there and take care of it!
HAN AND CHEWIE SALUTE AND, PULLING ON THEIR WINTER GEAR, RACE FROM THE BASE TOWARD THE ANOMALY. OUR INTREPID HEROS MAKE IT TO THE CRASH SITE AND STEALTHILY MOVE FROM SNOW BANK TO SNOW BANK, SNEAKING UP ON THE ANOMALY.
Kouji: Gwerrrrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrr hurrrrrrrrrrrhurrrrrrr wariririrrrrr? (trans: Does the rolling help?)
Tasuki: (brushing snow from his hair) Yes. Actually it does. See? I blend in.
Kouji: Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrarrrrrrrrrrrrr ggggurrrrrrrrrrrrr... (trans: You look like a snowman...)
Tasuki: Shows how much you know. If a Wompa came now, you'd be lunch and I'd be safe in my disguise.
Kouji: Wwwerrrrrrrrrrrrrrerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (trans: Whatever.)
WHILE OUR TWO HEROS ARE ARGUING, THE DOOR TO THE POD IN THE CRASH CRATOR OPENS REVEALING... BEANERBABIE AND STARIKO!
Stariko: Are we on Hoth?
Beanerbabie: It's cold enough. Probably.
BOTH GIRLS PAUSE AS THEY HEAR THE VOICES OF THEIR BISHOUNEN COMING FROM SOMEWHERE ABOVE THEM.
Stariko: (with stars in her eyes) Tasuki-sama...
Beanerbaby: (in much the same condition) Kouji-sama...
Stariko: (climbing up the crater side and standing behind Tasuki) 'Scuse me?
Beanerbaby: (climbs up next to Stariko) Hey!
THE MEN IGNORE THEM, STILL ARGUING. BEANERBABY GETS FED UP AND DIVES ONTO KOUJI. THE TWO FALL TO THE GROUND AND BEGIN ROLLING, GATHERING SNOW MUCH LIKE VAL KILMER IN THE MOVIE "WILLOW". TASUKI AND STARIKO WATCH IN AWE AS THE BLUE WOOKIEE AND THE FANGIRL BECOME A HUGE SNOWBALL HEADED FOR THE REBEL BASE.
Tasuki: I'm comin' for ya buddy! (pauses to think) This could end the movie.
Stariko: (tapping him on the shoulder) Ano...
TASUKI PICKS STARIKO UP AND RUNS AFTER THE GINORMUS SNOWBALL. KOUJI'S WOOKIEE WAILS MINGLE WITH BEANERBABY'S SCREAMS CAN BE HEARD BY THE WOMPA AS THEY GO ROLLING PAST HIS CAVE, INADVERTENTLY PICKING UP LUKE IN THE PROCESS
PRINCESS LEIA, WHO NEEDED SOME AIR, HAS OPENED THE DOOR TO THE REBLE BASE AND IS ENJOYING THE BRACING HOTH AIR. SUDDENLY SHE SEES A BIG WHITE SOMETHING COMING TOWARD HER.
Miaka: (yelling back into the base) Hey, you guys. You should really come see this. It looks like a giant snow... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
THE PRINCESS SHRIEKS AS THE GINORMUS SNOWBALL RUNS HER OVER AS IT CAREENS INTO THE BASE. AFTER KNOCKING OVER VARIOUS SNOWSPEEDERS AND A FEW TAUN-TAUNS, IT IMPACTS WITH THE BACK WALL OF THE BASE, BREAKING IN HALF TO REVEAL CHEWBACCA, A STRANGE GIRL, AND A HALF FROZEN LUKE
Yui: Good work Wookiee-boy. I was just going to send someone out to find Luke.
Tasuki: (comes running into the base and throws Stariko into the snowball) Kouji! Speak to me. Are ya alright?
Kouji: (swirley eyed) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Jess: (pokes head out of makeout closet) Hey! That's my line.
Chichiri: (from inside the closet) And mine, na no da.
Inuyasha: (stomps onto the set and gets into Tasuki's face) Wait just a dang minute! You were supposed to stuff Luke into a Taun-taun. Lightsaber slashing, guts spilling, steam rising...
Ash: (grossed out and shining) That's so brutal...
Inuyasha: Er... fluffy butterflies 'n stuff. Damn it, you get the idea!
Tasuki: You gotta be jokin'! The dead ones smell worse than the live ones.
Inuyasha: That's you're problem. It's not my parody.
Tasuki: THEN GET THE HELL OF'A MY SET!
THE TWO FANG BOYS SUDDENLY ENGAGE IN A FIST FIGHT. ASH AND STARIKO WATCH THE BIG BRAWL.
Ash: Ain't they cute when they're cuddling?
Stariko: (nods with stary eyes)
Tasuki: We ain't cuddlin'!
Inuyasha: We're brawlin'!
Kouji: (trying to shake Beanerbaby off his leg tries to join Tasuki and Inuyasha in their brawl) Gwer gooooo! Gwer gooooo! (trans: Me too! Me too!)
Beanerbaby: Nothin' doin' honey. You're mine now! (insert evil laugh here)
Narrator: Will the fang boys ever stop brawling? Will Inuyasha and Ash ever get a chance in the makeout closet? Will Kouji ever get the fangirl off his leg? Tune into the next episode of Constellation Wars to find out!
Inuyasha: (standing outside the makeout closet (to be known here after as the MOC) and banging on the door) Give another couple a chance!
Ash: (standing pensively behind him) Can't you just rip the door off and pull 'em out? I feel the need to maul you.
Authoresses' Notes:
If anyone gets the "Monique" reference we will happily insert you into the next chapter.
The same thing goes for the "does the rolling help" quote.