Constellation Wars: The Parody Strikes Back
Chapter 2
Duhn, duhn, duhn!
Ash: Again with the sound effects... that is just amazing.
Inuyasha: (rather unimpressed by it all) Feh! Anticlimactic is more like it.
JESS IS LAYING ON A CRAFT MATIC ADJUSTABLE BED THAT MOVES UP AND DOWN, WRAPPED FROM HEAD TO TOE IN WET CLOTH THAT SMELLS STRONGLY OF HERBS.
Ash: Erm... Jess? What is this? Are we doing a parody of "The Mummy" or something? (looks around excited hoping to see Brenden Fraizer on the set.)
Jess: MFF muff mrr grough.
Ash and Inuyasha: ... huh?
Kouji: (attempting to translate for her) Grr row urff grrrruuuuuuuuu.
Ash and Inuyasha: (turn to look at the blue boy) ... huh?
Mitsukake: (coming up from behind them all) She's got a sunburn, and the wrap is to cool her off and prevent peeling.
EVERYONE, SAVE FOR JESS, JUMPS AT HEARING HIM SPEAK FROM BEHIND.
Ash: Wow, Mitsukake! That's amazing! You speak both Bandage-ese and Wookiee! What a beautiful translation.
Mitsukake: (rolling eyes and grumbling to himself) And they wonder why I became a hermit...
Chichiri: That wasn't a translation, he's the one who wrapped her, no da.
CHICHIRI BRINGS A LARGE GLASS WITH A WEDGE OF PINEAPPLE ON THE SIDE AND A LITTLE COCKTAIL UMBRELLA IN IT. HE SLIPS THE STRAW BETWEEN TWO FOLDS IN THE SHEETS AND LETS JESS DRINK THE FRUITY TREAT.
Chichiri: (to Jess) Better my love, no da?
Jess: (nods head and sips the treat happily)
Ash: So... you want me to get things movin' then? (gently pats her pal's hand)
Jess: (nods)
ASH GRABS HER "DIRECTORS" BALL CAP AND BLOW HORN. INUYASHA SPOTS THE NOISY THING AND RACES LIKE MAD OFF SET. ASH GRABS PAPER AND GETS INTO THE DOLLY LIFT CHAIR, WAITING FOR KEISUKE TO LIFT HER UP IN IT SO SHE CAN ADDRESS EVERYONE ON SET. THE CHAIR GOS UP, THEN DOWN, THEN SIDE TO SIDE, REPEATING THE WHOLE THING AGAIN. ASH DROPS THE BLOW HORN AND HANGS ON FOR DEAR LIFE, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS IN HORROR AS THE CONTRAPTION GOES WIGGY.
Ash: Priest! I need the Priest! Exorcize it! Exorcize it! This chair is possessed!
EXTRAS AND CAST MEMBERS RUN AROUND SCREAMING WILDLY AND TRYING TO AVOID THE SWINGING THING. THE ARM TAKES OUT THREE EXTRAS AND ONE OF THE MAIN FIGHTER PIOLET ACTORS.
Chichiri: Demon, be gone.
CHICHIRI CALMLY YANKS THE PLUG OUT OF THE WALL. THE CHAIR COMES TO A HALT AS ASH SLOWLY MELTS TO THE GROUND IN A PUDDLE OF GREEN FACED ILLNESS. TASUKI COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE DOOR, STARIKO ON HIS ARM.
Tasuki: Come on people! The press is waiting to start the junket! (takes note of the mess and goes over to poke at a sick looking Ash) You didn't forget about the press conference did you?
Ash: P-p-p-press? (clamps hand over mouth and gets shakily to feet) Sure...no... prob... someone needs to unwrap Jess.
Mitsukake: Got it covered. (chuckles to himself)
MOMENTS LATER, THE DIRECTORS/AUTHRESSES AND THE MAIN CONSTELLATION WARS CAST IS SITTING AT THE LONG TABLE WITH A HUGE POSTER OF THE MOVIE BEHIND THEM. INUYASHA IS SITTING NEXT TO ASH, FANNING HER AND FEEDING HER SALTINE CRACKERS, PRAYING SHE DOESN'T LOSE HER LUNCH ALL OVER HIM. CHICHIRI SITS NEXT TO A NOW TAN AND GORGEOUS LOOKING JESS WHO IS BEING OGLED BY EVERY MAN IN THE ROOM.
A GAGGLE OF REPORTERS ARE IN THE ROOM. AMONGST THEM ARE M.E.WRIGHT, LABBYGIRL101 AND BEANERBABY.
(Men reporter-o-vision)
Jess casually reaching for the microphone and making every man drool.
(Jess Reality-o-vision)
Jess is shaking like a 7.0 earthquake as she grips the microphone like a life line.
Jess: First question. Lets start with... you. (Points to M.E. Wright)
M.E: We've all been wondering who Darth Vader is. Can you give the public a clue to his identity?
(Men reporter-o-vision)
Jess brushes her sun kissed blonde hair over her shoulder and wets her lips with her tongue to answer. The first row of men get nose bleed and fall on the floor.
(Jess Reality-o-vision)
Jess shoves annoying strand of hair over shoulder and nervously licks lips.
Jess: I'm afraid that is confidential and no one but Ash and myself know who Darth really is. Next question?
Inuyasha: (looking worried at the swirly eyed look on Ash, gives her a slight poke in her arm) Oy, you okay?
Ash: (gives him horrified look) I can't take the 'O-Vision' switches! It's making me motion sick again. Get me outta here, PLEASE!
Inuyasha: oh... Okay. No hurlin' on me, a'ight?
Ash: Just get movin'...
INUYASHA PICKS UP THE SICK DIRECTOR AND SNEAKS OFF AWAY FROM THE JUNKET. THE QUESTIONS CONTINUE.
Labbygirl: I understand that there have been some rather hot and heavy love scenes on stage and off that won't be making the final cut. Is there any way we can purchase a copy of those lost pieces of footage for posterity's sake?
THE CROWD OF REPORTERS MOVE IN FOR THE FINAL WORD ON THIS.
(Men reporter-o-vision)
Jess blushes slightly and gives a sultry look to the crowd. The remaining male reporters gush blood and wilt to the floor in twitching messes.
(Jess Reality-o-vision)
Jess goes seven shades past red and sweatdrops furiously. Her eyes are now bulging out with sheer horror a the thought of what her mother would think if she ever got a peek at the love scenes and feels herself going a bit green.
Jess: I'm afraid that will be for directors and actors only... sort of a "remember when" memento.
THE THREE REMAINING WOMEN ARE LOOKING AT THE MESS OF BODIES LYING AROUND THEM AND WONDER WHAT TO DO NEXT.
Inuyasha: (from behind the movie poster) Are we done with this junky thing yet? Ash is gonna explode!
Ash: I AM NOT! I drank Sprite. I'm fine.
Jess: And that helps how?
Ash: Ancient Chinese secret!
Jess: (at top of her lungs) SPRITE IS NOT CHINESE!
INUYASHA RUSHES OVER AND PUTS HIS HANDS OVER ASH'S EARS.
Inuyasha: SHUD'UP! I just got her convinced she's feelin' better! Don't screw it up!
Jess:... ummmm... oookay...
HOTOHORI COMES GLIDING OVER TO STAND BESIDE JESS. ALL THE WOMEN ARE DROOLING OVER HIM. HOTOHORI IS IGNORING THEM AS HE STARES AT HIMSELF IN A MIRROR AND FLUFFS HIS HAIR.
Hotohori: I don't mean to interrupt such a... charming discussion, but you might like to know that my big scene is coming up here soon and we are short on the extra peasant help. Oh, and Ash took out my gunner with her possessed director's chair. I'd like to personally hand pick the replacement. I'd hate to have someone prettier than me stealing such an important scene.
Jess and Chichiri: ... Right... no da.
Jess: (behind her hand to Chichiri) Is he usually this Narcissistic? I thought that was all part of the act in FY, not real.
Chichiri: Nope, no da. He's like that ALL the time. They asked him to tone it down for FY.
THEY ALL MOVE OUT OF THE PRESS ROOM AND GO BACK TO THE SET. M.E WRIGHT, LABBYGIRL101 AND BEANERBABY FOLLOW ALONG, BEING SUDDENLY RECRUITED AS 'EXTRAS'.
Beanerbaby: (surprised look on face her and speaking to the stage man who is leading them in) They kicked me out last time for attacking Kouji/Chewie. I'm surprised they let me back in.
Inuyasha: (disguised... somewhat... and chuckling to himself as he shows them in) Oh, that. He requested you personally! He's right over there. He acts like he hates it, but I know he's really excited to see you again.
Beanerbaby: (overly genki) Really? (she races off and tackles a shocked and fearful blue Wookiee, smothering him with kisses. M.E. and Labbygirl look on in shock and glance over at the now laughing hanyou)
Inuyasha: (shouting to Kouji) That's fer tryin' to steal my authoress! FEH!
Jess: SIT!
Inuyasha: (face planting, Muffled voice can be heard) ...how...how...how!
Jess: Never you mind! Just behave! EVERYONE GET IN YOUR PLACES! WE ARE ON PAGE FIVE AND HAVE HAD NO ACTION TO SPEAK OF!
THE CAST AND CREW SCRAMBLE TO GET IN THEIR PLACE. THE NEWEST EXTRA's LINE UP TO GET THEIR ORDERS. ASH AND JESS START LOOKING THEM OVER AND GIVING THEM THEIR ASSIGNMENTS. AMONG THEM WERE Emiko87, Kenshin, Hikitsu, Kyou, Yuki, Yusagi and Gin-the-Emporor.
Jess: Okay. The following are going to be on the Rebel fleet side. Yusagi, you've been requested as a gunner for Hot'n'horny- I MEAN (sweatdrops with embarrassment) HOTOHORI!
Ash: (snickering to self) Hot'n'horny... (giggles self silly) Fits him.
Jess: (glares at Ash to get her to shut up) Kenshin, Hikitsu, Kyou, Yuki-kun, Yusagi, you're all in the trenches.
Kyou: DAMN RAT! I AIN'T FIGHTIN' ON THE SAME SIDE AS HIM!
Yuki: (calm as ever) That's because you'd loose the battle for us, stupid cat. You can't hit the broad side of a hanyou.
Inuyasha: (off to the side) HEY!
Jess: Well, you can go back to the dark side and have leeks for lunch, or you can get in a different trench and shut up about it. What's it gonna be?
Kyou: (hair raises on back of his neck in horror at the thought of eating leeks) My trench had better be MILES away from his!
Yuki: I'd prefer to be up wind from him, if you don't mind.
Jess: (smacks them both to the ground) One, the wind shifts so much, I wouldn't know which way to call down wind, and two, your nostril hairs are gonna freeze out there anyway, so lets not pick nits over this!
Ash: (distracted and intrigued with the shortest extra in the group) Kenshin? What are you doing here? Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?
Kenshin: Yeah, that's why they sent me to the Rebel's side, de gozaru.
Ash: Oro?
Kenshin: Umm, That's my line... de gozaru.
Inuyasha: She's got this bad habit...
Ash: Feh! I do not. No da.
Inuyasha and Chichiri: SEE!
Jess: Ash, behave. We're trying to make a movie here...
Ash: Beam me up, Scotty.
Jess: STOP CROSSING OVER TO STAR TREK! We can't afford to pay them too!
Ash: And what did you call the skat session in our behind the scenes back in a previous chappy? Hmm? Huh?
Jess: Oh, for the love a... I give up. PLACES EVERYONE! LETS GET THIS ON FILM!
HOTOHORI IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIS SHIP WITH A MULTITUDE OF MAKEUP ARTISTS WHO ARE FLUFFING AND PAINTING AWAY.
Hotothori: I don't see how you can improve upon perfection... (he waves them all off. Yusagi comes up to stand next him, dressed in tight fitting fighter pilot gear and looking hot. Hotohori hands her a script and winks) I've made a few changes. Follow my lead.
Yusagi: You got it babe. (clears throat and looks at her script then starts) Oh! This battle might be the last for us! We've had so little time together, my love.
Jess and Ash: What the heck! (flipping frantically through their scripts)
Hotohori: (grabs Yusagi and pulls her to his chest, his eyes searching hers soulfully) Don't worry my love! I shall not deny you the pleasure of... ME! (he dips her and plants a 'hot'n'horny' kiss on her that knocks her socks and fighter boots across the room. )
Jess and Ash: Oh...my... X-rated moment!
Gin-the-Emperor: (rushes over after Hotohori has set Yusagi straight on her feet again, and baps the otherfirl on the head, knocking the twitterpaited woman out and dragging her out of the way, then rushes over to stand before the emperor) I'm sorry, but they were out of film... we will have to repeat that scene again. (evil grin)
Hotohori: (unphased) Of course. I wouldn't want to miss a moment of my perfection on film.
Gin-the-Emperor: Eeh...right... Anyhow! (picks up script and rapidly reads her lines) Oh! This battle might be the last for us! We've had so little time together, my love.
Hotohori: (grabs Gin and pulls her to his chest, his eyes searching her's soulfully) Don't worry my love! I shall not deny you the-
Gin-the-Emperor: Yeah, yeah! Lets get on with it! (yanks him down and plants a hot and heavy kiss on his lips)
Yusagi: (awake and rubbing large bump on her head) HEY! THAT IS MY BISHOUNEN!
Gin-the-Emperor: I DON'T THINK SO!
BOTH THE WOMEN COMMENCE IN A CAT FIGHT, MUCH TO THE PLEASURE OF THE MEN ON SET.
Ash: (grabs Kyou and pulls him aside) You wanna blow some stuff up? Miles away from Yuki?
Kyou: NOW YOUR TALKIN'!
Ash: Hop in with the emperor then. Your on the guns. (she shoves him up the ladder and tosses the emperor up next)
Hotohori: (indignant) NOBODY tosses the Emperor!
Ash: Funny, a little dwarf guy told me the same thing once... (moves out of the way and gives them the "go for it" signal)
THE SHIP TAKES OFF IN A BLAST OF FIRE AND SMOKE. THE EXTRAS SCRAMBLE TO GET INTO THEIR PLACES AND HIT THE TRENCHES. THE DIRECTORS ARE HAPPY AND ARE FILMING LIKE MAD WHILE YUSAGI AND GIN ARE STILL BATTLING, OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT THEIR MAN HAS LEFT ALREADY.
NEXT TIME!
BATTLE ON HOTH!
Will this silly thing ever move along? Will we ever make it to the last instalment? Will Hotohori stop primping and fly the ship?
Kyou: GIVE ME THAT DAMN MIRROR! YOU'RE THE PILOT YOU PSYCHO! START WATCHING WHERE YOUR GOING!
Hotohori: Your ugliness offends me. Who does that hideous hair of yours? And have you ever considered colored contacts?
Kyou: YUKI! YOU PUT HIM UP TO THIS, DIDN'T YOU! STUPID RAT!
Yuki: (In his trench miles away, chuckles to himself) Baka neko.
Authoress's Note:
(EMIKO! We are getting to you, we swear! Got LOTS of good stuff in store. The rest of you, guess what? You are probably going to make it into the next chapter too!)
All those who review will receive a Laurel, and Hardy handshake. (Har har!) And an autographed Constellation Wars movie poster! (While supplies last... crap, there went the last one... Oh well! Review anyway, eh? It's good for your complection and will put hair on your chest...)