You've seen how the cast and crew spend their spare moments off set. But have you ever wondered how our intrepid Authoresses spend their time?
Keisuke: Umm, no. Not really.
Inuyasha: Yeah!
Chichiri: Da! (affirmative)
Tasuki: They probably sit around, bitch'n 'bout us and pluckin' nose hairs.
Tamahome: You mean like you do?
Tatsuki: Hey! I don't have to take that shit from a flashlight welding pansy like you! Them's fight'n words, right Kouji?
Kouji: (still in Wookiee costume just finishes yanking another nose hair free and looks up) Grow! (trans: Yeah!)
Yui: Oh- my- THAT IS JUST SICK! THOSE ARE MY TWEEZERS (she races after the blue-haired Wookiee.)
Miaka: Did someone say Twizzlers?
Everyone: TWEEZERS! (Miaka tips over and face plants)
Inuyasha: (indignantly) BAKA!
Tamahome: Hey! That is my woman your talking about!
Inuyasha: Feh! It figures. One meat head dating another.
THE ONI ON TAMAHOME'S FOREHEAD FLARES AND INUYASHA DARGS OUT TETSUSAIGA. THEY ARE JUST ABOUT TO GET INTO A FULL FLEDGED BRAWL WHEN...
Chichiri: Is that Ash in a skimpy night gown carrying a bag full of money?
BOTH BATTLE HUNGRY BISHOUNEN STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS AND LOOK AROUND FRANTICALLY.
Inuyasha: Ash? Where!
Tamahome: CASH? Where!
Chiriko: (in obvious disgust) Baka's...
THE CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM OUR ANIME FRIENDS AND MAKES IT'S WAY DOWN A HALL TO A DOOR. KEISUKE OPENS THE DOOR A CRACK AND SHOVES THE CAMERA INSIDE TO GET THE FIRST HAND LOOK AT WHAT JESS AND ASH DO WHEN NOT FILMING AND YELLING AT THE CAST. INSIDE THE ROOM, JESS, ASH AND THEIR TWO PALS, M.E. WRIGHT AND TIEL KAYR (TK) SIT AROUND WITH BAGS OF CHIPS, CHINESE TAKEOUT BOXES, AND HORDES OF CANDY STREWN ABOUT THEM. THEY ARE COVERED WITH HENNA IN DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES, AND ARE STILL PAINTING ON EACH OTHER.
Ash: (holding her arms up and flapping them wildly to get the henna dye to dry) Kawaii! I put Inuyasha's name all over me! Now if I get lost, they will know who to return me to!
Jess, M.E., and TK: (stare at her) Rriiiggghhhhtt...
Ash: What? It's the same idea as Jess. Why is "property of the monk" any better than "hanyou honey"? (takes hold of Jess's arm and holds it up to show her kanji)
TK: It's fine, sweety. Not as good as "Sesshoumaru's sex slave"...
ALL THE GIRLS STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND STARE AT TK IN COMPLETE SHOCK
Ash: Wow. I had no idea she had it in her.
M.E.: I did. I just didn't think she'd tattoo it all over her body.
Jess: (tongue sticking out slightly in concentration as she continues to put more henna tattoos on herself) So... who did you plaster all over your bod, M.E.?
M.E.: Shiichi and Heigi. (dreamy eyed look comes over her face as she gushes out their names)
Everyone: ... Who?...
M.E.: Their from "Detective Connan"
Ash: Ooh! Impressive. (aside to Jess) She's in love with a cop and a barbarian!
TK: Umm... Ash... (about to correct her friend)
Jess: (shakes head) Let it go. It doesn't do any good.
Ash: Let what go?
Jess: (offers the chip bag to Ash to change the subject) Chip?
ASH GRINS AND GRABS A CHIP, NIBBLING IT CONTENTEDLY.
M.E. So...
TK: ...a needle pulling thread.
Ash: NOOOOOOO! (runs and buries her head in a pile of pillows, shaking and sobbing)
TK AND M.E. STARE AT HER AND THEN LOOK TO JESS FOR AN EXPLANATION.
Jess: (currently filing nails and looking bored as her henna dries) Sound-o'-music-phobic. She has a fear of habits... nunneries... musicals...
M.E.: Wow. That's just... really... Okay, it's lame.
JESS AND TK NOD AGREEMENT.
Ash: (dives off the pile of pillows at them all) BOOT TO THE HEAD!
ALL GIRLS SUDDENLY BREAK INTO FIGHTING STANCE AS THE THEME MUSIC FORM MORTAL KOMBAT FILLS THE ROOM.
ALL THE GIRLS IN UNISON SCREAM OUT "MORTAL KOMBAT!"
THE CAMERA AND KEISUKE ARE SUDDENLY PLOWED OVER AS THE MEN COME RUNNING TO SEE WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON AND WHY THE GIRLS ARE SCREAMING.
Inuyasha: Who's dyin'? Who stepped on the cat? I hear yowlin' in here!
Chichiri: No, it was a band of screeching eels, no da!
Tamahome: No, NO! You both got it all wrong! It was more like the sound of a coin being scraped along a glass window by a seven foot-
Tatsuki: Yer all flamin' idiots! That was the sound of a thousand-
Kouji: Mrr graw.
Tatsuki: - oh, right. Thanks buddy. TEN thousand women on PMS ready to claw the skin from the bones of every man in this area!
ALL THE MEN STARE IN HORROR AT HIM THEN BACK AT THE GIRLS WHO ARE STANDING IN THEIR BATTLE STANCES STILL LISTENING TO THE CONVERSATION.
Inuyasha: erm... we just remembered... there was a... thing...
Chichiri: Yeah, no da. A big... thing. Yeah.
Tamahome: ...needs our attention... we'll just be going now...
ALL THE MEN RUN BACK OUT THE DOOR AND LEAVE KEISUKI STILL ON THE FLOOR AND IN PAIN.
M.E.: (sets foot back on floor) What wooses!
TK: What in the world was that all about anyway?
Jess: And that crack about PMS?
Ash: That was exciting! Can I go attack Inuyasha now?
SESSHOUMARU WALKS INTO THE ROOM, A RATHER STOIC AND BORED LOOK ON HIS HANDSOME FACE.
Sesshoumaru: I was told you needed me.
TK: (eyes going starry and mouth drooling) Sesshi my LOVE! (singing in operatic tone)
Sesshoumaru: (one elegant brow arching up) You wanted me for that?
Jess: (curious tone in voice) Who said we wanted you?
Sesshoumaru: (scowls a bit) My moronic half wit of a brother and those other bakas.
Girls: ( in unison) Ahhh... Makes sense.
Sesshoumaru: (bored stiffer than usual) Glad it makes sense to someone.
TK: (fluffs hair and pulls on a seductive look) Well, there is this closet you see...
Sesshoumaru: (brow arches again and mouth twitches slightly with a grin) So I've heard. Jess was kind enough to show it too me in an earlier parody.
Jess: (grins widely) Ahh! Good times... Good times...
Ash: Wait till the monk hears about that. He's gonna 'no da' the fluff right off Sesshi's bouffant tail.
M.E.: Erm... maybe we shouldn't tell him then, ne?
Jess: (glaring daggers at Ash) Good idea! No need to bring THAT up!
Ash: (oblivious to the death glare) Yeah, your probably right. ItWAS another parody... another time in your life... another... (blank stare comes on face) what were we talking about?
Sesshoumaru: (staring intently at TK) Closets.
TK: (suddenly rather nervous under such an intense stare) He he he he he...
Sesshoumaru: It is a walk in I hope. I require a bit of... room.
TK: EEP!
Ash: (clueless) Why do you need more room?
Sesshoumaru: (mouth twitching with suppressed humor) Come along and find out. I'm sure my brother wouldn't pop too many veins over it.
Ash: Umm, okay.
TK, M.E., and Jess: NOOO! Ash! You are NOT going in the walk in with Sesshi!
Ash: (pouting and whining) Why not? I never get any fun!
TK: (suddenly afraid of the glint of lust in Sesshoumaru's eyes) Tell you what, we can trade for a day. You can go with Sesshi, and I'll occupy Inuyasha for a bit.
Ash: Okay! (suddenly stops) Wait...
TK: (shoving Ash and Sesshoumaru towards the door) Too late! Deal's struck! Have fun in the walk in!
Ash: But! But! But!
Sesshoumaru: Come along. You can start organizing the shoes first and work your way up.
Ash: (blank stare) You just want me to organize the closet space?
Sesshoumaru: Of course. What did you think I meant to do?
Jess: (scratching head and looking perplexed) Funny, when I went in with him, we didn't do any organizing...
TK: Wait, wait, wait! If all your wanting is some shoes shuffled, I'm your woman! (grabs Ash and shoves her back into the room, then hooks her arm in Sesshoumaru's) Lead on, my love! I'll whip it into shape in no time at all.
Sesshoumaru: (evil grin on face) Whips? If you insist, I suppose we could get to that too.
TK: (gives a slight laugh and looks nervous again) Next you'll be bringing out the fur covered hand cuffs.
Sesshoumaru: (gives her a dark and sultry gaze as he strokes the fur on his shoulder) That's what the boa is for.
TK: (freaks) ASH!
Ash: No you don't! I'm not fallin' for that one again! You clean the closet yourself! (stomps out of the room) I'm gonna go and find Inuyasha. When we get in the closet, we... (stops short and thinks better.) Well, we don't clean, that's for sure!
Sesshoumaru: (picks TK up in his arms and carrys her off towards the closet.) Let me help you. It looks as if you have weak knees... and ankles... and a few other things...
TK: (passes out cold in his arms from nerves) gah...
M.E.: (deep sigh) Where's a hunky detective when you need one?
Jess: (grinning) A little hot under the collar are we?
M.E.: (blushing) Oh, just a tad bit.
Shiichi: (coming into the room and looking down at Keisuki) Ahh. This man has clearly been trampled by a wild band of roving trouble makers. (bends down and pokes at Keisuki, sniffs the air and looks a the ceiling for a moment) He also had a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast as well as rice and obento. His left big toe is shorter than the right, and last week, he took the porno movie he rented, back four hours late to avoid his mother seeing it.
Keisuki: (head popping up and horror on his face) HEY! Keep that information to yourself! And how did you know that anyway?
M.E.: (a deep sigh and look of total adoration on her face) He's a detective!
Shiichi: True. That I am. But I was also in the video store when you came in panting like mad and used that lame excuse with the cashier to get out of paying the late fee.
EVERYONE FACE PLANTS.
Shiichi: (walks over to M.E.) And how may I assist you? I heard you were in need of a detective.
M.E.: (blushing a bit) Well you see, there's this closet...
Jess: (slaps forehead and groans) OH, NOT AGAIN!
M.E.: (gives Jess a death glare) ...AND, there has been a bit of...strange happenings inside... yes, that's it! Strange happenings.
Jess: (drily) Not so strange if you know what your doing.
M.E.: HUSH!
Shiichi: (looking slightly wary) Okay. So you have a strange closet. (deep sigh over something he considers to be so silly) Well, I don't normally take such paltry cases, but I suppose I could-
M.E.: (grabs his hand and makes for the door) GREAT! Lets go check it out together.
Jess: Oh, like THAT wasn't a set up!
Shiichi: (suddenly very red faced and getting a bit suspicious) Umm... I work alone...
M.E.: Oh, you do not, silly! Now come with me.
M.E. AND SHIICHI MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE 'CLOSET O' LOVE' AND M.E. THROWS THE DOOR OPEN REVELING SESSHOUMARU AND TK WHO LOOK UP AND BLINK A THEM AT THE SUDDEN LIGHT. AT THEIR FEET ARE A HOST OF SLIPPERS THAT TK HAS BEEN ARRANGING BY COLOR.
M.E.: Wow! He wasn't joking. You really ARE arranging the shoes.
Sesshoumaru: (arms folded over chest and a slightly annoyed look on his face) Actually, she took one look at the closet when we got here and she declared it was unfit to mac in until it was completely arranged, color coded, and filed.
Jess: (sweatdrops somehwere off camera) Did Sesshoumaru just say 'mac'?
TK: Organization is the key!
Sesshoumaru: I know I'm considered heartless and cold, but I think she beats me out on this one.
TK: (lower lips starts to quiver) You try and make it nice and romantic...
Sesshoumaru: (rolls eyes) You call a closet romantic? (shakes head) Humans...
Jess: (comes in sporting a set of youkai markings on her cheeks and wrists. Her eyes are now a warm golden color and her hair is about six feet longer than usual) You wanna rethink that last statement? We are Authoresses! Not humans! We are as far above humans as you are above hanyous!
Inuyasha: (somewhere in the distance) I HEARD THAT! SIDING WITH THAT JERK IS UNFORGIVABLE!
Ash: (sounding dazed and confused as usual) Wait... I'm not human!
Sesshoumaru: (wicked grin at Jess) I've always thought of you as youkai, my dear.
Jess: (sexy smile) It was the trick with the tail, wasn't it?
EVERYONE STARES AT THE TWO IN SHOCK AND WONDER (EXCEPT FOR TK WHO IS LOOKING MORE MURDEROUS THAN ANYTHING...) WILD IMAGININGS FILL THEIR MINDS AND SOON THE WHOLE GROUP IS BLUSHING, SAVE FOR SESSHOUMARU AND JESS WHO ARE SHARING A RATHER KNOWING LOOK.
TK: That tears it! (grabs Sesshoumaru and yanks him into the closet) Get in here! I'll show you a trick or two that will knock that sadistically bored grin off your face! (slams door)
MEANWHILE, M.E. HASN'T NOTICED THAT HER DETECTIVE IS SLOWLY BACKING HIS WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR TO MAKE A HASTY RETREAT, HAVING FINALLY REALIZED JUST WHAT ODDITY IN THE CLOSET HE WAS BEING ASKED TO INVESTIGATE.
M.E.: (noticing and making a grab for him) Wait! Where are you going?
Shiichi: (sweatdropping a rain shower) I do believe this is a cut and dry case. No need for my services here. I'll just be going now! (tries to make his escape and inadvertently drags M.E. with him out the door)
M.E: (determined to get some mac time) Alright, but before you go... ( yanks him back and dip kisses him passionately. After about a minute and a half of heavy kissing, she releases him and attempts to step back)
Shiichi: HOLD UP! This merits looking into a bit deeper.
M.E.: (giddy) Really!
SHIICHI GRABS HER AND YANKS HER OUT THE DOOR TO FIND A CLOSET OF THEIR OWN.
Jess: (has returned to her normal state and shrugs) That'll work.
Chichiri: (coming up from behind and wrapping his arms around Jess) Nice job, no da.
Jess: (confused look) Wha'd I do?
Chichiri: Got them all hot and bothered with that made up story with the demon lord, no da.
Jess: (going about seven shades of red and laughing nervously) Heh... made up... Yeah! Well planned, ne?
Chichiri: (knows the truth, but likes to make his woman squirm a bit) Hai, na no da! No how about you show me that 'tail' trick?
CHICHIRI SPORTS A FAKE TAIL ON THE BACK OF HIS PANTS AND GIVES JESS A WIDE GRIN.
Jess: (wrapping her arms around his neck) My closet or yours?
Fin
Authoress's Note:
Feel free not to review this chapter. It was odd, and inspired by too much sugar and henna fumes. If it left you with a kind of 'huh' look on your face and the feeling that you've lost a few too many brain cells, we understand. We ended up in much the same condition. (grin)