Author's Note: This is NOT a parody and it's not even supposed to be funny. And to all you who never learned to read, Vanyaleuthil is pronounced "Van-yah-lay-oo-thil"
Chapter Nine: Vanyaleuthil and The Fellowship of the Ring
The next two months were quiet and without incident. Vanyaleuthil associated with the Fellowship as much as she could. The hobbits adored her. Sam Gamgee, the chubby one, was in awe of her. Vanyaleuthil was used to this and eventually Sam got over it. Gandalf and Aragorn liked her as well. Gandalf was always mumbling and dropping things around Vanyaleuthil; her presence made him shy, but he vowed to himself he would associate more with the beautiful maiden, and maybe…the thought of Vanyaleuthil being his wife made him all dizzy. Aragorn was beside himself with anger than he had ever kissed Arwen. Vanyaleuthil was so beautiful. He never could have dreamed about anything half as perfect as Vanyaleuthil or her radiating glory.
Gimli, though…he was another matter. He refused to acknowledge anything was his fault or that he was ever wrong. He was, however, madly in love with Vanyaleuthil. Vanyaleuthil let this slide. Boromir kept complaining about being led by a She-Elf rather than by himself. But secretly, he lusted for the maiden, and was planning to get closer to her. He imagined their wedding, and smiled to himself. She was so beautiful…
But he wouldn't let his plans show till later. For now, his lust had to be covered by him showing how much that he believed she was a woman, and should be at home, being a good little housewife…his housewife.
"What does a woman know?" he kept asking nobody in particular.
Finally, the date Vanyaleuthil had set for them all to leave came: December 25th.
Elrond summoned Vanyaleuthil to his office, because he wanted to talk with her.
"Vanyaleuthil," he said slowly, "Lord Thranduil has informed me…that you are destined to save…all of Arda and Aman. I suspect…this is how you will do it."
Vanyaleuthil gasped musically.
"Lord Elrond…are you sure? I mean…I am nobody special!" Vanyaleuthil whispered.
"Yes, you are. You are Vanyaleuthil Ancalima Noldowen Gilelee Vanya-ng'ante Alfirin Fair-Gem Angel Wise-Woman Star-Eyes Beautiful-Harp Small-Golden-Flower. I place all my faith in you. Now, make the Elves proud, Lady Vanyaleuthil."
Vanyaleuthil curtsied to Elrond and left. Turning gracefully around a corner, she was bumped into by Boromir.
"Excuse me, Boromir," she said kindly and gently, and offered a resplendent smile to show that she was sorry even though it was his fault.
He sneered at her and Vanyaleuthil caught the phrases "She-Elf" and "incompetent".
As he walked away, he thought of the beautiful children they would have together.
Puzzled, Vanyaleuthil went to her room and started to pack her weapons in a large leather bag with a shoulder strap decorated in diamonds, opals, and pearls. Just as Vanyaleuthil was loading her quiver with pure silver arrows, the door creaked open.
"Who is it?" Vanyaleuthil called out musically. Frodo scuffled into the room. "Oh, hello, Frodo!" she said with a beautifully dazzling smile. "To what do I owe the visit?"
"Um…Lady Vanyaleuthil, I—I'm af—afraid of the Q—quest…and what could happen t—to m—me or one of m—my f—friends…what if I'm n—not b—brave enough?" the hobbit stammered, turning his lamplike blue eyes on Vanyaleuthil.
"Oh, Frodo!" Vanyaleuthil whispered, pulling him into a hug. "It shall be all right. That's what the other nine of us are here for! To protect you!"
"But in the end, I have to be the one to do it…"
"Do what?"
"Destroy the Ring." Frodo held out the band of irresistible gold with a frightened look on his delicate face.
Vanyaleuthil sighed, thinking of the Araukagil. Perhaps…
"Frodo, I'm going to tell you a secret," Vanyaleuthil said, letting Frodo go and looking at him sternly but kindly, her beautiful face shining. She pulled on a lock of silvery-blonde hair and began her tale of the Araukagil. At the end, Frodo's eyes were like oversized dinner plates.
"So you see…you can do it, because I believe in you! Now don't worry. And I'm glad you told me."
Frodo scuffed his feet on the carpet. "You are very beautiful and brave, Lady Vanyaleuthil."
Vanyaleuthil smiled a radiant smile at him. "Oh, Frodo."
A few hours later, Vanyaleuthil led the nine other members of the Fellowship out of Imladris and towards the Gap of Rohan.
She was wearing deep tawny orange riding dress with slights that went halfway up her slender, sexy thighs with snug ¾-length sleeves. Underneath, there were deep blue tights. Blue topaz, amber, and opals decorated the collar, end of sleeves, and edge of the skirt. Vanyaleuthil wore a silver belt with bits of sky-blue coral with a golden-orange topaz and silver buckle. Her feminine brown boots were softly embroidered with dark golden and silver roses. Her hair was in one long braid clasped with a small aquamarine and blue topaz barrette with a large amber stone in the middle shaped like a leaf. Little curls came out of the perfect braid and framed her gorgeous face. She wore the Harma Mela and the Araukagil.
She stayed in front of Gandalf and was always on the lookout for evil.
As they rested on a crop of rocks, Vanyaleuthil and Legolas watched the skies. Vanyaleuthil squinted as she saw, over near Isengard, Saruman sending out Crebain!
"Do you see the birds, Legolas?" He shook his head. "I think they are coming over here…" She kept watching. "Oh! They're coming! Everybody, hide!" Vanyaleuthil cried symphonically.
The birds swooped over as Vanyaleuthil and Legolas crawled under a bush. Legolas kissed Vanyaleuthil's lips and whispered to her how brave and beautiful she was. She kissed back.
Vanyaleuthil gracefully climbed out, sweeping her soft velvety curls from her face. Boromir scowled to see Legolas follow. "The passage south is being watched. We have to take the pass of Caradhras," she said, worry creeping onto her exquisitely gorgeous face, yet not marring it in the slightest .
Aragorn nodded and looked at the mountain ahead with some apprehension.
Frodo looked at Vanyaleuthil. She gave him a small smile and noticed him clutching the Ring.
On Caradhras, Legolas and Vanyaleuthil raced ahead, and soon Vanyaleuthil outstripped Legolas as the others slogged behind.
She could hear Saruman chanting far away, Gollum gurgling morosely in his cave, Galadriel on her river, Sauron himself roaring, and Ungoliant deep in her own cave catching and eating unfortunate beings for all eternity. Vanyaleuthil heard the hobbits celebrating a birthday, and the Dwarves singing within the mountain as they mined the beautiful metals and jewels that adorned the peoples of Middle-earth.
Vanyaleuthil strained to hear exactly what Saruman was chanting. With a gasp, she turned to Legolas. But he was far behind. "Legolas! Legolas!" Vanyaleuthil called desperately.
"What, Vanyaleuthil?" he called back.
"We must get off the mountain!" she cried. "It's Saruman!" Sure enough, a great bunch of snow and ice came tumbling off a ledge. Vanyaleuthil seized Legolas and pulled Merry back from the edge.
The ice shower stopped. Vanyaleuthil peered up and stood. She helped the others to their feet and gazed intently at Saruman's horrible face, so far away. You will not win she thought.