Chapter 2

Syaoran couldn't put the book down. He had spent some time reading in the circular room and now at night he read it like a bedtime story to sleep. In one evening he had gone through one fourth of the massive book. He realized Clow's style of writing was odd. He only wrote important events that stood out in his head and this diary didn't follow the day-by-day yearly timeline, it was the story of his life's important events, thoughts and feelings. More like distinct memoires rather than an actual journal.

He read about the ongoing process and improvements Clow underwent developing his magic. The death of his mother and father and him striking out on his own as he moved from England to Hong Kong. Now in the morning after breakfast he was locked in his room ready to flip to wherever he left off the night before.

"Wednesday, January 5th,

Today I met the rest of my mother's family at my cousin's birthday party. I never knew the Li Clan was so..prolific. Aunts, uncles, cousins, in laws, even distant relatives. The place was crowded so I was happy to get some time alone after a while. The funny thing was, when I went out to the garden, someone else had had the same idea I did. The brother of my second aunt's daughter Tsu Ling Tsukishiro, was also there. It didn't take long for me to recognize the chinese/japanese Xiaolin, with his wild hair and thick eyebrows that always made him look mad.
"Long time no see Xiaolin." I said followed by a wink , "You don't write me anymore.."
Needless to say he glared at me, which was his normal type of greeting.
"Mind if I sit with you for a while?" I asked.
"Actually.." he began, but knowing his answer, I quickly seated myself and thanked him anyway. He grumbled something under his breath like always and after a drawn out uncomfortable silence he decided to speak to me.
"So what made you come all the way here from England?" he had said trying to make the best of the situation.
I scooted closer to him, a seductive grin on my face.
"Why, to see you again, Moonie, it had been so long and I was missing your amber eyes.."
He growled, edging away from me as expected.
"Can't you ever give a serious straight answer, without calling me Moonie for once?"
I gave him a meaningful look and he threw his hands up in the air frustrated with me. I was used to torturing my relative like this, we hardly ever had a serious conversation, he didn't stick around long enough, but the truth underneath it all was that I was really fond of him.. maybe a little more.."

Syaoran put the book down for a moment. Xiaolin reminded him of himself and the odd thing was his last name..Tsukishiro. Was there a reason he had Yukito's last name? And Clow..Syaoran always knew the man had been a little odd, but reading about him in his younger days reminded him too much of..Eriol. Syaoran was immensely interested in the interaction between these two, especially since for the first time he was reading about one of Clow's romantic interests. He wanted to know what happened to Xiaolin and why he was obviously not around in Yue's days. He wanted to know everything.

"Saturday March 25th,

There was a moon festival today and Xiaolin was there. I could almost see him twitch as I approached him, it was funny.
"How appropriate seeing you here Moonie-chan!" I chirped.
He snapped at me like always telling me not to call him Moonie. I couldn't help his last name meant Moon Castle and he was at a moon festival..perhaps I should not have mentioned to him that he would have made a lovely moon princess. He would have left my company too if I hadn't promised him something special by the end of the night. I knew I would impress him with the first few cards I created for a set I am planning on in the future. I still have no idea what to call them, Black cards, Moon Cards, Sun cards..the name will come to me later.
But anyhow, he let me tag along with him during the festival, telling me the entire time that my surprise better be good. I didn't care if he ended up impressed or not afterwards, I was just happy to spend time with him. By the end of the night he was slightly used to having me near him, or maybe he just learned to tolerate me. I thought it was the perfect time to show him my cards and how they worked.
"It's a combination of eastern and western magic. I came up with it myself but I still need to work some bugs out.!" I remember telling him and he was not keen about the idea until I pulled a few cards out and showed the kind of power they possessed, along with the potential they held for the future.
He was so excited about the whole thing that he actually gave me a real smile, an excited cheerful one. I told him he had a cute smile and that he should do it more often. Then he did the cutest thing. He blushed. I stopped my teasing for a while, and he stopped his glaring.
"I never knew you could actually be serious about something Clow." he smirked.
"I never knew you could do anything but frown." I teased.
We both laughed and then ended the night gazing and talking about the moon. I decided that my next magical quest would be to harness the power of the moon we both loved so much."

"So..Clow had an affinity with the moon. Interesting.." Syaoran mused. He could tell that Clow was really serious about including this guy in his life. In a way, being such a big fan of his ancestor, Syaoran was insulted that Xiaolin would not have given Clow a chance..but at the same time if Clow was anything like Eriol, he could understand,

"Wednesday June 8th,

I have finally perfected my form of magic, and for some extra cash I have started telling tourists in Hong Kong their fortunes. People say I am so good that I should make a living out of it. I heard in another part of town that there is a sorceress who tells fortunes by reading water. I wanted to see if she too made her own style of magic, so I bribed Xiaolin (by telling him I'd make him his own card) to come with me to visit.

Her shop was by the sea, nothing too elaborate. A long line waited outside and I convinced Xiaolin to wait it out with me. When we got in we found the sorceress seated behind a large bin of water, the place surrounded by candles and incence. She was young, about our age with long black hair in a fancy traditional outfit. She glared at us instantly and said she had been expecting us. Xiaolin and I gave each other mocking looks. I tried talking to her, to see what her magic was like, but the woman wouldn't even tell us her name (she said you could curse someone just by knowing their name), so I just gave her the nickname Madoushi, which literally just means sorceress. It wasn't long before some of her customers recognized me and asked me if I could do their fortunes too. Insulted and infuriated, Madoushi threw us out saying I was taking away her business and that I should go back to my part of town.

It was an interesting day meeting my rival for the first time. I wish it had gone better than it did, but she obviously saw me as competition rather than comrade. Her style of magic was effective but I think I'll stick to my cards. Xiaolin was not too happy about our visit and said we should keep our distance."

Syaoran raised a curious brow. So Clow met a sorceress. Obviously she was important enough for him to write about. He wondered why Xiaolin distrusted her. He sat back in his chair and turned the page.

"Sunday August 15th

Well, it's obvious Madoushi hates me. She's tried various times to put a spell on me which, with the help of a somewhat reluctant Xiaolin, was stopped. I guess it's her way of eliminating competition? But I don't let it get to me. It's almost fun pissing her off. Kill her with kindness right? I suppose it's because she hates me that I love teasing her, but it's not that I hate her, she is the only other sorceress around to develope a unique style of magic afterall. Today happened to be her birthday and I decided to call it a truce between us, at least on my part. To show her that there were no hard feelings, again on my part, I went to visit her with a small gift. I know how much she liked putting her hair up so it would be out of the way when she told her fortunes, so I got her a hairpin. I found her at a gazebo where she goes to rest and that's where I gave it to her. She was surprised, maybe shocked? She couldn't exactly get the right words out but I think she liked it. I didn't stick around to hear her thanks.

But that was not as big as what happened next. I was walking away from the gazebo and stunned Madoushi, when Xiaolin strolled out from behind a corner. He was extremely angry, I could tell because his eyebrows frowned more than usual. He asked me to explain what I was doing seeing the sorceress again. I told him it was her birthday and I gave her a hairpin.
"Do you like her?" he asked spitefully turning away from me.
I was feeling something odd about him today, his distrust of her had grown into something more.. so I approached him.
"What's wrong Xiaolin?" I asked curiously as I grabbed his shoulder.
He flinched away, "Just answer the damn question, you are infatuated with her aren't you!" he yelled.
How could he possibly think something like that? He still didn't know what I felt for him?-"

Syaoran nearly dropped the book.
"Please don't tell me this is going where I think it's going!" he whimpered, looking back at the page.

"- So I did the only thing I could do, I turned him around and looked at him firmly. His expression turned into one of mild surprise as he caught my sentiment and my lips closed in on his. After our session, he smiled, still teary eyed.
"I thought I was losing you to her." he had said with a sad sigh. I chuckled as I hushed him and brought him closer to me. We spent that cool summer night overlooking the water, under a shining moon and in each other's arms."

Syaoran sweat-dropped as his face shrivled up into one of shock and dread.
"So Clow and what seemed like Yuki's ancestor who happened to look like me were an item?" Syaoran pondered.
But what did all of this mean to him? He decided to read on and find out why Xiaolin was obviously not part of Clow's known life. What happened?

"Monday, October 31st

It's been a happy 3 months for Xiaolin and I, and on this day where spirits walked the grounds (well at least in my european half of beliefs) my spirits were high, they were high. It all happened when I convinced my Li family to throw a halloween party. I told them it would be fun and it was, untill later that night. Xiaolin, in his little wolf costume, approached me with an expression so sad I couldn't have been anything else at that moment but worried. I asked him what was wrong, but he only looked up at the full moon.
"Sometimes I envy you Clow, for not having parents." he said sadly.
I pulled him close to me, "What happened?" I pleaded.
He took a moment to gather his thoughts, or courage and then faced me with tears in his eyes. Xiaolin was a lot more sentimental than he would like to be.
"My parents announced my engagment to a girl in Japan. I am to wed her next month. There is nothing I can do about it.." he said nearly ready to burst.
Of course it had been a problem that Xiaolin hadn't found a suitable mate in his long 23 years. I didn't count..infact nobody knew of us and we wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible but, it seemed his family gave up hope on him and arranged a marriage.
Xiaolin cried on my shoulder for hours and all I could do was hold him. Tonight was the saddest night of my life."

Syaoran couldn't help but feel sorry for the pair. Clow might have been a nutty guy but he obviously cared for his little wolf. He wondered who the girl was, and if this was the reason why Xiaolin was no longer a part of Clow's life in Kero and Yue's days. He wondered why they didn't keep in touch?

"Friday, November 20th

Today was the fateful day. Xiaolin was scheduled to ship to Japan to meet his bride and then marry that night. He begged me to go with him, he was nervous and heartbroken and needed someone to go on the trip with him.
"In truth I want to spend our last days together Clow, to the very end." he told me.
I agreed to go, I wanted to see the girl who would take the love of my life away from me and at least make sure he was in good hands. I can't sleep tonight. My mind is racing with the fact I have to let him go tomorrow and still...I can't seem to find the strength to write.."

"Tuesday, November 24th

The trip to japan took nearly a day, and the journey to the town called Tomoeda took a bit more. We made it to the town today, it was a gloomy cloudy day as if it had been raining for some time. I can still feel the way Xialoin gripped my hand tightly in the carriage as we neared the mansion. He was almost clinging to me and I would have done the same, not wanting to let him go ever, but our time became shorter and shorter untill finally the carriage had stopped, reaching it's destination. Slowly I let his hand go. We were led to the front steps of the modest looking home. It looked like this was a status-raising marriage, where a normal middle class family would be tied to a prosperous family with history..there must have been something to gain in all this. It was customary for the groom not to see his bride untill the actual day of the wedding. Xiaolin was immediately taken from my side by the girl's family to the section of the house where he'd be prepped for the wedding. I did however get a glance of his future wife. She had short brown hair and brilliant green eyes. Pretty, in a cute way...the kind of person who would make a good wife to someone. She looked nervous, I couldn't quite bring myself to hate her, there was an innocence in the way she gazed at me before being pulled away to her wedding prep chamber. I suppose I was leaving my love in suitable hands...and yet I couldn't help but cry on the inside even as I chatted cheerfully with her family.

The afternoon lingered on and the ceremony started just as the sun began to set. The ceremony itself was a private matter between the groom his bride and their parents only. I had to wait untill the following reception to see him. But I was there among the crowd of family members to see him off. He was dressed in fine clothes, pure white and chinese-styled. He was nervous, his eyes almost tearful, but he held a look of rigid confidence like he was determined to get this over with. I looked at him for a second and he looked back before he was nudged through the doors. His bride waited on the other side already at the alter. It was the last time I would see my little wolf as the single man I once loved."

Syaoran was in shock, he felt a heavy sadness for Clow, slowly losing eveything he loved. That green eyed girl seemed familiar to him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. It didn't matter his mind was still reeling with the sad twist Clow's entries had taken. Perhaps this was why Xiaolin was no longer in his life. Yet marriage never stopped anyone from keeping in touch. He was curious to find out what happened and what led to Clow's life as a recluse.

"Wednesday, November 25th

I felt like writing early today. I'm on the carriage back to the port...alone. Yesterday's reception keeps haunting me. I remember seeing the couple emerge from the ceremonial room. The nervousness from before had lifted a little, but I saw the uncertianty in his eyes as our gazes locked. His wife immediately rushed to her older brother and father. Xiaolin followed the entire family to the reception room. I saw the forced smiles he was giving the crowd during dinner, trying to chat happily about his plans for the future. Some people from my family had asked him about when they were planning to have children. I couldn't help but turn away as he struggled to answer and his bride blushed wildly at the thought. I excused myself saying I had to go to the washroom and once I arrived I was overcome with emotion..finally having some time to myself. Everything had happened so quickly, but my moment didn't last as Xiaolin came in after me. We held each other for the longest time in the privacy of that washroom. I hadn't been able to get a single decent word in the whole time..but it was wasted kissing him wildly..we knew it would be the last time we'd touch again.
I remember him telling me "I can't do this Clow..I don't think I can live here so far away from my family back home in China..and without you."
As always I had to be the strong one. I held him at arms length and I told him he had to be brave. He was a man now, a married man and he had to act like one. He had to forget about what we had and focus on his new life, even though I would always be there for him despite the distance. Me and my cleverness...always the wise one right? The rest of the night had passed like a blur untill it came time leave and I left him standing by the doorway, his arm around his wife as she waved goodbye to us all, and all I could do was smile and look away from his amber colored eyes.
Now here I am..as my carriage approaches the harbor where the ship taking me back to China is docked. I notice.. there is no moon tonight."

Syaoran clenched his fists in anger as he turned the page to the next dreaded entry.

"Saturday April 17th

I know I haven't written anything in a long time. But today I got news of something I never want to forget. A package came to me from Japan. It had a letter addressed from Xiaolin's wife. I tore at the package first before reading her letter curious about what was in it. It was Xiaolin's Rashin board. The hide and seek game we had played with my cards! The board I made for him to find them..I wondered at first why he would be giving me this if I had always meant for him to keep it. I tore at his wife's letter anxious to know why.

Dear Reed-sama,
I am regretful to inform you that my dear husband Xiaolin, has passed away. He was found three weeks ago in the onsen, his wrists cut. A parchment was found beside him with instructions to send you this, along with a sealed letter from him. I have done as was his last request, his body will be sent back to China to his birthgrounds..the ceremony will be held in one week which you are more than welcomed to attend...
I dropped her letter half way through and took out the smaller sealed note at the bottom of the package, careful not to wet it with the tears in my eyes. I tore past the seal and unfolded the letter with shaking hands.

My Dearest Clow..
I know this might come as a shock to you, you must be angry with me. I found myself against a wall...thinking about it over and over. I missed you..so much that it hurt. I couldn't pretend anymore, I couldn't sleep beside her wishing it was you every breathing moment. I couldn't wake up anymore hoping my life was just a bad dream. I thought about coming back to China and running away with you..but I knew you would never stand for such things. So there was no way out..nothing left to do. If I couldn't be beside you all the time physically..I would do so in spirit. That is why I have said goodbye to life here on this earth and will instead live in the other one you used to tell me so much about, waiting for you. I love you Clow..I always will.
Eternally yours,
Xiaolin

I had to write this over in my journal..every one of his words. I will never forget them as long as I live..I will never love another as long as I live. My love died with Xiaolin tonight."

Syaoran dropped the book. He closed it and pushed it away from him. He could not believe what he just read. All this time Clow had been to him and his family this genki, ecentric, trickster wizard with odd ideas, customs and endless power, enough to transcend death. He never thought there was more depth to him, that there was this deep pain behind his cheerful eyes. Syaoran had been knocked for a loop and he wasn't sure if he wanted to keep reading. For now Syaoran was going to leave the book alone, let everything sink in and return to the world of the living since he had cooped himself up for a few days reading about Clow's life. It was time to live his own again.