000 Disclaimer, I own sod all! 000 I would've updated sooner but ffnet wouldn't let me sign in for some inane reason...anyway thanks to all who've reviewed so far: TLI (Why are you so surprised I updated:P I don't know whether to be insulted by that or not :P), greta2242, Goddess Anjanee, Gabi2305( you noticed his parents were missing:D yay!), Lieutenants-Lady (aww, have a tissue 'hands over kleenex packet'), Aleja21, HoVis (Yeah, I'm bad! Starting yet another new story...but this one is actually semi-finished:D), KUgirl (Another convertee to R/S!muhahahaha) and huge thanks to Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain for betaing this :D! 000

I began to develop respect for Hoshi on a whole new level. I knew she was fantastic and could manage practically anything to do with our kids….but I never had any idea that I married Wonder Woman.

There was always something: they're hungry they want food, they're dirty they need cleaning. Jonas has homework he needs help, Harry can't tie his shoes yet, Ella isn't potty trained yet she needs a nappy change, the bills need paying, the house needs cleaning, the cupboard door came off (my fault-slammed it shut in a moment of stupidity), the kids need first aid they've lost a leg….

I didn't know how she did it. But the worst thing, the worst thing was the need to go food shopping. I hate shopping in any way, shape or form. It's a form of torture that I was forced to help with on a weekly basis. Now I had to do it on my own. Mrs Peacock had offered to help, but to be quite honest I'd rather gouge out my own eyes than spend another compulsory second with that woman.

However, ignoring the fact the fridge held only eggs, cheese and butter was not going to work forever. The kids needed food. I wasn't particularly bothered with food but they needed it. It was necessary for their survival or something like that…

I wasn't in the brightest of moods when I approached a large box like building labelled 'ASDA'. The boys were at a friend's house. I might've wanted to keep them by my side to ensure they were safe but locking in the house was only going to fuel my growing panic that something would happen to them….something I couldn't protect them from….

Still, with Ella firmly strapped into the trolley, I determinedly pushed it through the automatic doors and into shopping hell.

The greeter waved to me cheerily then proceeded to announce to the entire store that ASDA bread rolls were on sale today.

"Oh she's gorgeous," an old woman cooed behind me.

Ella giggled and smiled up at me. The old woman beamed then moved on. I pulled out a carefully prepared list. I manoeuvred the trolley carefully down the aisles, avoiding looking at anything other than the shelves lest I see anyone I knew and be forced to explain why Hoshi wasn't with me. How they could've missed the funeral with the massive crowd of people I don't know. But people still seemed shocked when I had to explain why she wasn't there.

At this point the general feeling of despair that had been hanging over me suddenly heightened. I knew that know matter what I did I could never live up to what Hoshi had done and all she'd accomplished with basically everything. But I could try my hardest anyway. Trouble was, when it came to deciding the simplest thing like which spaghetti to buy...one cooked in less than five minutes but for waiting an extra minute for the spaghetti to cook I could also get more for my money….apparently….I was out of my depth and felt like giving up and storming out the shop.

Ella reached out for the enticing packets on the shelves in my distraction and grabbed hold of one of the boxes. Seconds later a cascade of super noodles rained down around me.

Normally I would've blushed, apologised like there's no tomorrow and picked everything up before hurrying away quickly. Unfortunately I wasn't operating on normal. I was barely operating on just living, so I lost it.

"For God's sake Ella!" I yelled furiously shoving the packets back onto the shelf. "You don't just grab whatever the hell you want!"

Ella started to cry and people stared at me. I could hear whispered conversations about how shocking it was that I was shouting at a baby.

They were right, I was shouting at my own daughter, a mere baby who had barely grasped standing up yet. Red in the face I pushed the trolley away. Ella kept crying and wouldn't stop. I had a pounding headache building behind my eyes and I just wanted to give up and throw myself down on the ground sobbing at how life had screwed me over.

"Problems sir?" it was one of the oh-so-friendly shelf stackers.

"No," I replied tightly. "Everything's fine, my daughter just pulled some packets off the shelf."

"I'll sort that sir," said the shelf stacker, in one of those voices that made it clear that he thought I was insane, stupid or just really, really pissed.

I don't think that person will ever know how close he came to only being able to drink through a straw.

The rest of the shopping trip was a combination of food horror, Ella crying and me giving anyone within a ten foot radius a vicious look that actually made a small boy cry.

Oh yeah, I was on a roll.

To top it all off I was late picking up the boys and as soon as we got home I realised I'd forgotten to pick up something for Jonas which he needed for school the next day.

The result? Jonas screamed "I hate you! Mummy would never have forgotten it! Why did she have to die? Why couldn't you have died!" Then he ran up to his room, slammed the door and left Harry crying softly.

Parenthood was a sink or swim situation. At that moment in time I'd sunk so far I couldn't even see the surface anymore.

I couldn't help agreeing with Jonas though, I wasn't Hoshi-I never would be. I wasn't as good as she was at running the household, I couldn't leap walls in a single bloody bound and save the day. All I could was my best and my best seemed to be falling drastically short of the mark.

The most irritating thing was people kept trying to contact me, kept offering to move in and help out for a while. Kept offering me a bleedin' shoulder to cry on.

But I knew that if I accepted their help, I would never be able to wean myself off it. I'll admit, I don't accept help easily.

Hoshi may have died but I had to carry on-just to prove I could do it and just to ensure that no one knew the horrible pain and torment the night brought.

Unfortunately, I was not allowed to dwell in my own misery for long. There was a brisk knock on the door and Mrs Peacock announced her presence.

"I thought I'd just drop by and see how you were doing," she explained hanging up her coat and shutting the door. Did she let herself into everyone's houses in our village or was I just special?

I made a promise to myself to always lock the door. "Oh I'm doing just fine," I said politely.

"I made you a lasagne as I know what with everything that's happen you probably don't feel up to cooking," she said expertly navigating her way into my kitchen.

At this point I started to fantasise about all the different ways I could kill her. Good old spur of the moment stabbing with a butcher's knife or the more creative death by lasagne? The possibilities were endless.

"So how have you been, Malcolm dear?" she asked taking in my appearance.

I'll admit, I was a little less put together than usual but I was still infinitely more presentable than most people. Still, I didn't think my appearance warranted a look that clearly suggested she believe I had completely let go.

"I'm fine."

"And the children? They must be missing their mother dreadfully."

No, really! Here's me thinking they hardly cared at all! My God, this woman must've received the MOSTBO award-Master Of Stating The Bloody Obvious.

"Look, I don't want to sound rude but I've got lots of things to do so if you wouldn't mind….?"

She gave me a sympathetic look. "Anything I can do, Malcolm dear?" Oh Good God no.

"No, I'll be fine."

"If you ever need me you know where I am," she said patting my arm.

"I'll keep that in mind," I said gripping the kitchen counter tightly. Yeah, I'd call Mrs Peacock over…when Hell froze over and I was ice skating with Satan.

She favoured me with another sympathetic smile. "Now, all you need to do is heat up that lasagne. The children will love it I'm sure-my David always loved my lasagne."

I almost did a double take. Had I not just requested that she leave! Had I just imagined that conversation?

"Before I forget," the she-Devil continued. "I took the liberty of looking out the child psychologist that we sent David to. He's excellent, a total miracle worker. It'll be good for the children to have someone to talk to."

I did my best goldfish impression for several minutes before finally managing to form a coherent sentence. "Thanks Mrs Peacock, I'll be sure to look into that. I'm sure the lasagne will be lovely. But as you know, I'm really, really busy at the moment…"

"Well, would you like me to help out?"

NO!

"That's very kind of you to offer but I'll have to decline. Bye Mrs Peacock."

She looked almost insulted, and then she appeared to change her mind, patted my arm again and swept into the hallway. As soon as she left I locked the door…and the back door for good measure.

I tried to talk to Jonas later on. He refused to talk to me. I called him down for dinner and he ate so fast I began to wonder if he was even chewing his food before he swallowed or whether it was some freakish variation of osmosis that allowed him to absorb food without any effort in chewing required.

Harry was quiet. Too quiet. The boy spoke less than three words a day which was unnervingly to say the least. Usually the problem was trying to get him to shut up for more than five seconds.

That night I watched them all sleep again. I reflected on the fact I might actually be turning into some sort of mutant mother hen-desperate for them to try and get back to normal after Hoshi's….and then trying to protect them for everything in the world and wanting nothing more than to seal up the entire house and coat everything in bubble wrap.

Ok, that sounded drastic even for me.

I couldn't deny my children had changed, well the boys had. Ella didn't know anything is wrong. Or at least I don't think she did. That was probably something that would crop up when she's at school, the dreaded 'How come I don't have a mummy like the other kids?'

Harry just withdrew. You could never get that kid to shut up and now, when I wanted him to communicate more than ever, he barely said a word. His eyes would go wide and he'd either nod or shake his head in response. Sometimes he'd seek me out and stare at me for second then go back to whatever he was doing.

Jonas just hated me. I am not Hoshi. I am his father not his mother and therefore he hated me. I tried to talk to him but he just glared at me.

I cracked weak jokes, made a half hearted attempt to talk to him about Hoshi before drying up completely and I tried to just be sympathetic.

Nothing worked and I'm just too….well I just didn't quite know what to do. Emotions were never my strong point, dealing with them, talking with them or even acknowledging them sometimes was not something I liked doing.

I hadn't even sorted through Hoshi's things yet. The will had yet to be read but I didn't care.

I couldn't quite bring myself to sort through her things. Or even move them from their usual places. Her things still littered our bedroom because moving them would mean that she is truly gone. Leaving them there somehow makes everything less hopeless.

Unfortunately, I'm not an optimistic person by nature. Whatever comfort I generate from anything is crushed the second I exit its proximity. I don't know if it's truly hit me that she's gone yet.

I felt guilty that I hadn't really mourned her going. I felt guilty because I'd only cried twice.

Should I feel guilty? Or should I keep doing what I'm doing? Or should I just give into the depression completely, let the house go to ruin, the kids run free and wild and ignore all attempts at conversation from the outside world?

Tough decision. The latter was so very tempting….

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