000 Disclaimer, as usual I own nothing 000 Thanks to all those who reviewed! Phaser Lady, Goddess Anjanee, Aleja21 (me like cyber cookies:D!), Lieutenants-Lady (I can't promise a happy ending... but like Malcolm Must think Happy endings! ), The Libran Iniquity (ha bloody ha! See, look! Be proud and be joyful at the update, but be aware this is ruining my reputation as updating sloooowly!) and also huge thanks to Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain for betaing this for me :D 4/6/05 Just noticed I forgot to thank the following people for their reviews of chapter3 and for that I'm very sorry, so thanks also to Orion9, Lucas43, Tata and Gabi2035 000

It'd been about two and a half months since Hoshi…let's just say two and a half months had passed. Everything was beginning to run a little smoother-until you scratched a little bit under the surface.

Unfortunately, I still didn't want to acknowledge it. Acknowledging it would mean I'd have to deal with all those pesky emotions again. Besides, everything seemed fine. Jonas hated my guts, Harry had developed the ability to become invisible and Ella was still blissfully unaware of anything except toys, food and that oh so enticing cupboard which for some strange reason Daddy had locked to prevent her from getting in.

But, life had a habit of screwing me over and so I wasn't even that surprised when I got a call from school requesting my presence.

I stared at Ella and spent a few seconds debating whether or not to leave her with Mrs Peacock, the decision was easy. I wouldn't leave my worst enemy in the hands of Mrs Peacock.

So Ella was bundled into the pushchair and I hot-footed it over to the school, where the Miss Trunchbull look-alike told me to 'sit down and wait to be seated!' I marvelled at how I had faced down many aliens in my time only to be reduced to a nervous wreck by the school receptionist. Oh, how times had changed.

The door to the headmaster's office swung open and he strode out. I instantly felt ridiculous. The man was at least 6ft 6 and I had to crane my neck just to see his face. I briefly wondered if he bent down to talk to the children or whether he used his height to his advantage and simply put the fear of God into them.

"Mr Reed?" he asked glancing down at me. "If you'd like to come with me please."

It wasn't a request. It was an order and I instantly felt insulted, though not entirely sure why. It could've been that some 6ft 6 giant with hands the size of dustbin lids had decided to treat me like a naughty schoolchild. Either that or I was just irritated that he thought he could order me around; he wasn't my superior or my parents.

I pushed Ella into the office and took a seat. He leaned against his desk, towering over me.

"We've called you here today because we've had some difficulties with your sons," he began nodding to the teacher stood in the corner. I instantly recognised her to be Jonas' teacher, a woman somewhat challenged when it came to matching colours and patterns. At this point I sensed this was going to be more about Jonas than Harry, after all how much trouble can one kid get into if he wouldn't even do anything but the bare minimum?

"What kind of difficulties?" I asked.

"Well," he began. "We've taken into account your recent…loss." I stiffened but said nothing. "But I'm afraid Jonas' behaviour is simply unacceptable. He's starting fights in the playground, his work is slipping and he's not interacting well with the other children."

"He's starting fights?" That caught my attention at least. Jonas had never ever started fights, he'd have the occasional fight but they were usually over and done with swiftly. He was one of those people who simmered when provoked; it took a lot to get him mad usually. Unless he was talking/shouting/screaming at me, in which case anger came easily.

He nodded and motioned for Jonas' teacher, Mrs Riddle, to continue. She stepped forward and took a deep breath. "I'm worried that his mother's death…"I twitched involuntarily. "Has unsettled him. Has he talked to you about his feelings at all?"

I shook my head. The only thing I knew about Jonas' feelings was that he was really, really angry-with me mainly.

"He used to be such a sweet boy," she sighed. "Now he talks when I'm talking, he answers back and he starts fighting and arguing with his classmates. I very worried about him; Miss Miller is equally as worried about Harry. She says he's become withdrawn and says very little during the day."

"Mr Reed," the head interrupted. "We believe it would be a good idea if you took your children to see a psychologist. The loss of a parent…" I twitched again. "Can often be extremely traumatising."

These people weren't telling me anything I didn't already know. But they were reminding me of everything I had ignored. I was focusing on making it through each and every day without breaking down, but in the process I was ignoring my children. Not on a physical level but on an emotional level.

Ella squawked indignantly and I lifted her from the pushchair. I held her somewhat protectively as I watched the two people stare at me intensely.

"These issues need to be addressed Mr Reed," said the headteacher firmly. "This fighting and anti-social behaviour will simply not do. We expect more from our students here."

"We have of course already spoken with Jonas and Harry," said Miss Miller.

I frowned. They both stared at me expectantly. I considered keeping my mouth shut, I considered being polite, but the little voice in my head broke free.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked simply. "Do you want me to argue?"

"I would've thought you'd care a little more about your children's wellbeing," said Miss Miller bristling. "Your sons are deeply traumatised and your daughter will probably follow in their footsteps if nothing is done to help them!"

Woah. I was pretty sure she couldn't say that to me, like I was also pretty sure she didn't have a degree in psychology. Luckily the head decided it was time for her to return to her class-which was actually pretty lucky for her as I was well on my way to being really, really angry.

"What I'm sure Miss Miller meant," the head continued smoothly. "Was that your sons need some help with dealing with their feelings."

"I know that," I said staring at him. I'll admit I was satisfied to see him shift uncomfortably. "But I also know that a few pretty words will not make their troubles go away and I also know that they have to come to terms with this in their own time."

"That doesn't mean you can't help them," he reminded me gently. "Mr Reed, I'm sure I don't need to remind you that they are only children, not adults."

What could I say to that? He was right in a roundabout way, I'd done everything to try and help them without actually helping them. Maybe I was at fault. In fact scratch the maybe.

Ella began to fidget incessantly and I realised that the Head had now said his piece.

"Well, thank you for calling me in," I said simply.

"It's not wrong to admit you need help," he said. The man suddenly seemed less imposing but I was tired of people telling me what to do. I was tired of people trying to run my life because they knew what was best for me. Everyone knew what was best except me.

I was tired of it all, and yet I was angry because at the same time I knew they were right.

"I think it would be best if you took the boys home now," he said. "They're waiting in reception for you."

I strapped Ella back into her chair and sighed. God, the truth hurt.

I nodded to the Head teacher and moved back into the reception. Harry flung himself on me and Jonas got to his feet, shouldered his backpack and stared at me.

"Home time," I said mildly.

The walk home was conducted in silence. Torturous thoughts danced round my head and by the time we reached home I was ready to scream.

"I'm in trouble," said Jonas quietly.

"You and me both, son. Now go sit down, I want to talk to you both."

I set Ella down with her toys and joined the boys on the sofa.

"I've been talking with your teachers," I began. I paused; I had lost all idea of what to say.

Harry slipped off the sofa. "Where are you going?"

"Loo."

"Are you gonna shout?" Jonas asked glaring.

"No."

He looked surprised. "Why not?"

I shrugged and answered "There's nothing to shout about." I had learnt from my years of work in the Armoury and then teaching that there were ways to get a point across without shouting and still getting the desired result.

He fell silent.

"What's wrong Jonas?"

"You don't really want to know," he said crossing his arms. "You don't even care."

"What do you mean you don't think I care! Of course I care!"

Jonas leapt to his feet and screamed "No you don't! You do everything except talk! You won't talk about mum and you cringe everytime her name is mentioned!"

Then he ran off. "Jonas!" I yelled. "Jonas, get back here!"

Ella started to cry at the loud noise and Harry joined her, rubbing his arm where Jonas had brushed past him. To be honest, I felt like joining them. I sank back in despair and Harry climbed onto my lap seeking comfort. At least he still liked me.

It was only when they were all safely tucked away in bed that I finally began to process the days events. However, my destructive thoughts were disturbed by a knock at the door.

It was Trip.

"Hey Mal."

"Hello Trip."

He came in without another word and I closed the door behind him. He sprawled out on the sofa and stared at me intently. "You look like crap."

Oh yeah, Trip could never be accused of being blunt.

"Thanks for that."

There was a long silence before I finally spoke up. "Is there any particular reason for the visit, Trip?"

"Other than the fact I haven't heard from you since the funeral and the fact that you are extremely bad at taking calls, no. No particular reason at all," he replied stretching out.

"I've been busy, kids to run, houses to feed…" It was a poor joke and I knew it. "Do you want a drink?"

"You ok?" he asked me.

I stared at him, a lump rose in my throat. The customary response 'fine' played about on my lips before it died away.

"No, I'm not ok. The house is falling down around my head. Jonas hates me, he's in trouble at school, and his work is suffering…Harry. God, remember how hard it was to get him to shut up? Now he's so withdrawn he's starting to camouflage against the walls. Ella is still the same because she's too young to realise that things are any different…" The lump in my throat suddenly prevented all speech. My vision suddenly went suspiciously blurry and I realised to my horror that I was on the verge of crying.

I hadn't cried since…well lets just say I hadn't cried in about two months. I wanted to be alone, I wanted Trip to go. Now. I didn't want him to see me collapse.

Did I? Maybe I did. Maybe I thought he could help. Maybe there was a little part of me that wanted Trip to push the issue, to confront me about everything and to force me to accept what had happened.

Instead I made up some excuse about needing a drink and walked into the kitchen. I wasn't even aware Trip followed. I was sobbing before I'd even managed to switch the kettle on.

Everything that I'd held inside me was released. I was like a bottle of fizz that had been shaken too much and was now exploding over everything.

"I can't do this," I sobbed slipping down onto the floor. "I can't do this without her!"

"You can," said Trip sitting down beside me. "You've been doing brilliantly, Mal."

"No, I haven't!" I was crying so hard I could barely see, but for once I didn't care. "I got called into the school today; the teachers want me to take the boys to a psychologist. Jonas has been acting up and Harry just won't do anything! I'm losing control of them…" My shoulders shook and my voice trembled but I couldn't stop. "I'm one of the best officers Starfleet has to offer, I've been told I'm calm and collected during a crisis. I've created a shielding device…but I can't comfort my own sons or be there for them when they need me. What kind of man does that make me? What kind of father am I?"

"They weren't the only ones to lose someone," Trip reminded me gently. "You aren't superman Malcolm, no one expects you to be either."

"Daddy?"

It was Jonas. I could barely make him out through my tears. He looked so helpless and alone standing in the doorway.

"Go back to bed, Jonas," said Trip softly.

Jonas ignored him and continued to hover tentatively in the doorway. I hurriedly scrubbed at my face with my sleeve, he stared at me a second longer before fleeing to the safety of his room.

What did I do? I cried well into the night, with Trip at my side. The next morning he called in work to say he wasn't going in, he sorted out the kids got them all settled and took care of them while I sat in my room staring at a photo of me and Hoshi. I didn't say a word to anyone all day. But I think Trip knew how much I appreciated everything he did.

000Please review 000