This whole thing is based on a dream I had. I apologise for them acting out of character. If there's anything that doesn't seem to make sense, it will probably be explained by the end. Just bear with me. If it's not, then tell me, and I'll try and fix it. By the way, my Alice has the English accent from SH1, not the high-pitched American voice from SH2. BTW, that gorgeous English voice I just mentioned? It's also the voice of Ash Ketchum from Pokemon.

Disclaimer: I own neither Shadow Hearts nor the world.

I Can't Keep That Promise

Yuri Volte Hyuga, Shadow Hearts: Covenant

My dear, sweet Yuri is dead. He is dead. He is gone. I hope that by repeating this, the pain will be numbed, but no…Yuri is gone. Just like my father.

We were on a train, travelling to Zurich, my mother's hometown. We were sleeping, and when I awoke, Yuri did not. I shook him, and I even slapped him, but he would not stir. I picked him up - he is so much lighter now, in death - and carried him off the train. I carried him as far as I could, then I placed him gently on the ground. I checked again that he was truly dead, and, oh god, he was, he was. I dug a hole with my bare hands, tears flowing free. Then I placed him in it, with one last farewell kiss – I only kissed him for the first time recently, after we defeated the baby god. That was only a few days ago…he looked so alive and happy. Now he is dead, dead, dead…I take off my hair ribbon and let my hair loose. He has only once seen me with my hair loose once…that time. When we…But that is beside the point.

I took the crucifix from my throat - Anne's cross, his mother's. She gave it to his father, who gave it to Quihua. When we were in Shanghai, Yuri defeated ten of Zhen's summon monsters in a row and Zhen gave it back to him. Yuri gave it me. We had not known each other long at the time, but he handed it to me, and told me to wear it in battle. He said it always had a calming effect, and as I was not used to battles…well, it worked. Whenever I felt myself start to panic, to go berserk, I looked at the cross and more often than not I would snap out of it.

I was undecided as to whether Yuri would want the cross or would prefer that I kept it. He loved me, I knew he did. This is not pure vanity. Once when he thought I was asleep he whispered it to me. I very nearly was asleep, so I merely smiled slightly. I wish I had answered him. I love him. I hope he knew that. I wish I'd told him. No, if I am to wish, I wish I could tell him right now, and he could answer. But the dead cannot answer.

…

…

…

I am an exorcist.

I had forgotten that. But, I cannot call unwilling souls, souls that have passed over. Only those souls with regrets, that are still here, on this plane. Does Yuri have regrets? I wonder…before this fateful train journey, after defeating the godlet Yuri, the others and I all first hid the émigré away, and then stayed in Rouen for a while, while we all made plans for the future. It was…four or five days, I believe. Meiyuan brought Koudelka from London, and she and Halley stayed overnight in Rouen before heading to Le Havre to catch a boat to America. Koudelka and I shared a room. Margarite had a room to herself, as did Yuri. Margarite said she needed her privacy. Yuri refused to share with either Halley or Zhuzhen, on the grounds that one was an adolescent with too much energy and the other was a grumpy old man. I do not believe he was serious, but Yuri got his own room anyway. Margarite jokingly suggested that she share with him, at which point he hugged me and said that I was his woman. I blushed, but I do like it when he refers to me that way. It makes – made – me feel protected. The suffragettes would not agree with me, but I do not care. It is not – was not – a case of Yuri seeking to control me, he merely wanted to protect me.

I miss him, so much, already.

Halley and Zhuzhen shared a room. Meiyuan wanted to share too, but Halley and Zhuzhen were very…definite…about that. I think Zhuzhen's words were "Over my dead body". Keith had already turned into a silver bat and flown back to his castle in Bistritz.

Anyway, that night Koudelka told me about everything that had happened in the Nemeton Monastery. How she and James O'flaherty – who I have met a few times, due to my father who was a close friend and associate of his – and another man, Edward Branckett, Halley's father had all gone to the monastery. She told me that she had met Edward at the door, and they had travelled together through the house with its monsters. How they had met James. Neither of them had taken to him at first, partly because of the age gap – Koudelka was nineteen then, only one year younger than me – but mainly because of his comments about immigrants, and his general attitude. I can understand that. When my mother was alive he never took to her either. I wonder if he disliked her because he was xenophobic and she was Swiss, or became xenophobic because his best friend no longer had any time for him because of a Swiss woman, who did not even speak much English?

She told me about Elaine, how she was James' and Patrick's love, although Patrick had won her. How Patrick had gone so mad with grief at her death that when Albert Simon offered him the émigré manuscript he had taken it and translated it without a second thought. How he had killed the women…I heard of some of those murders, the ones where he hadn't been able to take the body away from the crime scene. The police never solved the case. Still, though it was evil, it was done out of love. I do not believe that the end justifies the means, but I believe the dead should rest in peace. Patrick has paid enough. I shall not be the one to give him away.

She told me of how they found Patrick's body, rotting and run through with vines, and of Patrick's poor creature, in the grounds under the monastery. I assume it must have burnt when they destroyed the monastery, since we wandered through the basements over and over. She told me of the caretakers, Bessie and Ogden, how Bessie had shot Ogden as he was about to kill Koudelka and then turned the gun on herself.

And, finally, she told me of how Elaine's body had been possessed by…something. How they realised that that something must have killed Patrick. And of how they had lost to Elaine's body, and James had sacrificed himself to save Koudelka and Edward.

She also told me of that night, how she and Edward had become lovers. I asked her why. Did she love him?

She replied, "I don't know. But, he made me feel like a normal human being, and that is a very strange feeling for me,"

I wondered why she was going to search for him in America. Simply for Halley? What if he had another family? What if he claimed not to know either of them? I did not voice these questions, but Koudelka still turned toward me and said "Why, I would get very angry, dear. And that should be enough to scare him into admitting it. If he hurts my son…if he upsets Halley in any way…"

She did not complete the sentence, but I wondered what it would be like to care for someone that much. I care for Yuri, of course, though in a different way than I would a child. He is older than me, by four years, though he does act like a child at times. I would not have him any other way.

Koudelka has similar abilities to me; that was how she managed to read my mind.

The next day, Koudelka and Halley left. I wished them both luck. Koudelka looked at me, then Yuri with a strange expression on her face, before hugging us both and saying goodbye. I wonder if she knew? Zhuzhen went with them to Le Havre to catch a boat back to Shanghai. Margarite stuck around for a while. She asked me how I was feeling, whether I felt ill in any way whatsoever. I wondered why she was so concerned, as, as far as I could see, there was no cause for it. She left Rouen the day before Yuri and I did. Before she left, she handed me one of her pistols, told me to use it for my own protection. I thanked her, but I did not think I would have need of it.

That last night we shared a room, Yuri and I. That was when he told me he loved me. That was only last night. This morning we boarded the train, and this afternoon…

I am thinking these thoughts to keep myself from crying, but it is not working. Oh, Yuri, Yuri, how could you leave me again? In those months after you disappeared in Shanghai I had hope. I had not seen you dead, so there was hope. But now, you are right in front of me…oh Yuri, Yuri, Yuri, don't go, don't leave me…Yuri…Yuri, I love you, love you, love you, please, please no…I hugged his dead body close to me, crouching at the bottom of his grave. It's not fair. It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR. I placed my ribbon in his hands. He had given me his father's coat on the train, told me to keep it forever. He couldn't have known, he couldn't. I should give it back, he might be cold. But he told me to keep it. He wrapped it around me and told me to keep it. I touched the necklace he wore. It was a gem, a dull red colour, like dried blood. I took it from his neck and slipped it over my head. His eyes were closed. I felt a morbid desire to open them, to see his eyes in death. His body was cold, but I still hoped that he would jump up and laugh. I did gently open one of his eyelids. The eye underneath was flat, and grey. I closed it again, and kissed him, then I began covering him over. I didn't look while I did. I couldn't bear to see it. When I had finished I stood over the – the grave - and I opened the small bible my father had left me. I said a short prayer. The wind had begun to blow now, stronger and stronger, and my hair blew in front of my eyes, obscuring my view. The wind tore my words from me the instant I said them, snatching them away. Could my words reach him? Eventually I merely repeated the prayer I had known ever since I was small, the prayer my mother taught me. "If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take,"

No, that didn't work. It didn't make sense. Eventually, pushing my hair back with one hand, holding Yuri's necklace with the other, I screamed at the sky "I commend his soul to any God worthy of it!"

I was left panting. It was rare that I screamed, or even raised my voice. It felt…good. I saw now why Yuri and Margarite were always so noisy. I screamed again, no words, just raw emotion spilling out of my mouth. I ended up kneeling in front of Yuri's grave crying as though my heart would break. I had no hope now. Suddenly, I heard a voice from behind me.

"What's all the screaming for, girl?" It was a man, speaking french. I turned and saw…no…

"Uncle Geppeto?"

He peered at me through the gloom. "Alice? Is that you?"

I nodded. "Yes," I sniffed a little, and wiped the tears from my face. It was raining now, so the gesture was more for effect than anything else.

He ran toward me. "Whatever's happened?"

I sniffed again, trying to hold back the tears. "Yuri. It's Yuri. He's gone,"

He put his arm around me. "Come home with me. I haven't seen you in years. Now, tell me, who's Yuri? Someone special to you?"

I nodded and began explaining as he took me back to his home.