Disclaimer: Don't own it.

God Gave Us Our Memories So We Might Have Roses in Winter.

J. M. Barrie

Because of the war, transport was difficult. Having left in January, I eventually made it to Shanghai in mid-April 1915. It was now nearly a year since Yuri's death. In the six months from Yuri's death to the start of the war, I had not done much. I had sent out telegrams informing everyone of Yuri's death, I had carved his tombstone. I had investigated places nearby where his soul might have been. I tended his grave.

I spent many hours simply staring at the sky. It had taken so much effort, to move, to think, even to breath. Then the war began, and there were things to do again. Not many soldiers came to Domremy, and for that I was glad. Still, we were attacked. It was thieves, mainly, trying to take what they could while the government was too busy to stop them. The monsters became worse, too.

This war must be what Albert Simon meant when he said the world had a terrible fate awaiting. I wonder more and more often nowadays if we made the right decision, defeating him. Perhaps his way was better? But, no. I must be firm. I did not wash up here on the tides of fate. I am here because of the decisions Yuri and I and the others made. Life may have infinite possibilities, but that only means your decisions and actions matter all the more. My point is I chose this. I must now deal with it.

I am also worried about leaving Geppeto and Blanca to defend Domremy on their own. Hopefully, because of the size and unimportance of the village, they can be ignored throughout the war. I would pray, but I do not believe that god will help anymore.

I found Zhuzhen easily enough. After renting a room at the hotel, I went to look for him. On entering the tavern, the first person I saw was Quihua, Zhen's daughter. She didn't recognise me at first. She came over to me, and asked if I wanted a drink – she helps to serve people now, as well as playing the violin. She doesn't need to, but now that she is working for herself and her father she takes pride in it. I told her no, I'd rather try the pit-fights. She seemed surprised that I knew about them. She muttered something, and then ran off to fetch her father.

Zhen appeared soon enough. "How do you know about the pit fights?" He asked. "Only a few people know about them. How did you find out?"

So, he hadn't recognised me either! I smiled at him. "Let me try them," I said. "Then I'll tell you,"

He seemed a bit surprised. "You're not with the imperial army, are you?"

"No,"

He shrugged. I could almost see him thinking that, even if I were an army spy, the monsters would sort me out. I knew why he was worried. The imperial army are not such a problem here anymore, but with the war getting worse, Zhen was afraid that he would be forced to enlist, maybe even forced to use his monsters as weapons in the war. Finally, he simply nodded. "Come through here, then,"

I went through the door he had indicated. As I walked passed Quihua she grabbed my arm, and whispered hurriedly, "You don't have to do it!"

"I'll be fine,"

"We can't guarantee your safety!"

I shrugged. In truth I was slightly nervous, but I'd got into it now. Besides, I'd beaten them before, using my bible. Even if the monsters were stronger this time around, well, so was I.

Zhuzhen was sitting in the pit fight room. "Who's this, Zhen?" He asked. He looked up at me, blankly. I smiled at him, and a puzzled look crossed his face.

Zhen answered "Some girl. She insists on trying the pit fights. She says she'll tell us who she is afterwards,"

Zhuzhen's face cleared, and he nodded. "Ah," he said. "I see,"

I stepped on to the platform. Zhen stood in front of me. "Are you ready?" He asked. I nodded.

He made a gesture with his hand, and I began fighting. He threw a few easy monsters at me first, testing the waters. I dispatched them easily. About five rounds through, he called a wind shear. Nasty little creatures, although this one wasn't too tricky. I simply used 'Advent' on it. Partly to show off, it must be said.

From then on, Zhen threw his strongest monsters at me. None of them were particularly difficult.

Finally, we reached the tenth round. He summoned Tindalos, Kevin's transformed form. I defeated it easily, but doing so gave me an idea. You see, Kevin was dead. We defeated him, Yuri, Margarite and I, almost two years ago.

After I defeated Tindalos, Zhen stared at me. "Who are you?" He asked.

Zhuzhen walked up behind him. "Haven't you guessed?"

Zhen stared at me. I smiled.

"It can't be…Alice?" Asked Quihua.

I nodded. Quihua hugged me. "Alice!"

"Alice?" Said Zhen, staring at me all the more. "Alice Elliot?"

"I've changed my name," I said. "I'm Alice Hyuga now."

Zhuzhen nodded. "I can't say I'm not surprised," he smiled. "That's good. He told me once that he would marry you as soon as it was all over,"

"I didn't know that," I confessed. "I was a bit worried that he'd object,"

"No. He'd be proud. Especially of a little spitfire like you!"

I smiled. "Thank you. I've got a room at the inn. Come talk with me,"

A few hours later, we had caught up with each other. Zhuzhen already knew about Yuri's death of course.

I confessed to him my fears about Domremy. He told me not to worry, that it'd all work out for the best. Then I told him about my plans, and ideas, for bringing Yuri back. I have tried not to say it, but that is what they amounted to. Raising the dead.

Zhuzhen sat in silence for a long time after that. "I'm not going to stop you," he said finally. I was grateful.

"I had a thought about Zhen's pit monsters…"

"No. He only summons a memory of creatures he, or those he knows have fought. If he brought any form of Yuri back, it would only be a copy of the one we fought in Bistritz,"

"That'd be fine,"

"It would be a monster in a body that looked like Yuri's,"

"Oh,"

We sat silently for a while longer.

"Have you thought of the Émigré?"

"Yes. But I'm leaving it for a last resort. First I want to speak with Yuri, ask him if that's what he wants. The émigré involves sacrifices. I don't want to do that,"

"No, I see. So your first task is to contact Yuri's soul?"

"Yes. See, I know that souls with regrets stick around, but I've no idea where Yuri might be. That's why I came to you. The first thing I want to do is find his parent's graves,"

"Ben didn't have one,"

"Ben?"

"Jinpachiro. Ben was his nickname,"

"Ah. I guessed that he didn't. What about Anne? She'd be buried in the village where she died, wouldn't she?"

"If she was buried. She died at the hands of Dehui's monsters, correct?"

"Yes. Then Yuri used his fusion power for the first time, to tear them apart,"

I remembered Yuri telling me all this. He had spent the night hugging his mother's body close to him. My eye's filled with tears as I thought of that small child, and of the man he grew into, but I tried to hold them back. Then I thought of him playing with the puppy in Fengtian, and I gave up, and burst into tears. The fact that the puppy turned out to beDehuai didn't make the image any less touching.

Zhuzhen hugged me and murmured soothing noises. "There, there,"

I gulped. "Zhuzhen, what if I'm doing the wrong thing trying to bring him back? He's probably happy in heaven with his parents,"

"You know his happiness could never be complete without you,"

I sobbed more. Eventually I said "You know, my uncle, Geppeto, keeps telling me to keep my chin up, that I'll find someone else, that I'm still young. He doesn't seem to realise that that's not the point. I don't just want a man, or someone to love, I want Yuri!"

"I know, Alice, I know. Geppeto never saw you two together, did he?"

I shook my head.

"Well, anyone who did would realise that you were – are - soul mates. And do you want to know what I think about soul mates?"

I nodded, still too choked up with tears to talk.

"I think that there are people other than your soul mate that you can love, build a life with, be happy with even. But I also think that once you have met your soul mate no one else will do,"

"That's it, that's exactly it! If I'd never known Yuri, I would have had an ordinary fairly happy life. I could have got married, had children, grown old and died, been happy enough. But with Yuri, I was so…fantastically happy. Even when we were fighting for our lives. And one minute of that is worth a million fairly happy lives," I sniffed. "And now…I can't go back! I can't be happy with 'happy enough'! Oh, god, I just want Yuri back,"

"I know, I know,"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break down like that," I said. I wiped my tears away with my hand, and stood up, looking through the drawers of the hotel room for a tissue.

"I know why you changed your name, too,"

"Hmmm?"

"It's a form of protection. It's conferring the same status on you as a widow. It's a way of saying no-one else will take his place,"

"Yes,"

"I met my soul mate once,"

"You did?"

"Yes. We were…very young. I'd have been fourteen or so. I grew up in a small village, and everyone expected me to marry the girl next door. She was the only girl of around my age for fifty miles. She was okay, but…it was just 'happy enough'. Then, one day, a travelling circus came to the village," He smiled, gazing at a past I never suspected. "And this girl…she was an acrobat. I loved her the moment I saw her. That night I waited outside the circus tent, just to meet he, to speak with her. And then, when I saw her, and told her, she said that she felt the same way. That was the single happiest moment of my life."

"So what happened?"

"We agreed to run away together. She gave me her scarf. That night she drifted off to her tent, and I went back home. But, the next day…"

"What?"

"A monster attacked the circus in the night, they said. Killed her,"

I gasped. I couldn't think of any words good enough to express my sorrow.

"I went to see the circus owner. I decided that if I couldn't have her, I would join the circus, travel with the people she had known. When I revealed who I was, the circus owner told me that it was he who had killed the acrobat,"

"Oh, how horrible!"

"Yes. He told me it was because she had told him she was leaving. He was insane; I could see it in his eyes. He pulled out a sword and tried to kill me,"

"So what did you do?"

"I used my black magic. That was the first time I ever did. I didn't even know I could use black magic til then,"

"So then what happened?"

"I ransacked his rooms, stole all his valuables, and then stole his horse. Picked a direction and started moving. I was halfway to Shanghai before I could gather my wits about me. Then I slid off the horse and cried. Finally I picked myself up, and rode the rest of the way to Shanghai,"

"What happened to the scarf?"

"I still have it. Look," he pulled up his shirt and showed me the scarf tied around his waist.

"What about your family? Your village?"

Zhuzhen shook his head. "I never went back,"

"What was her name?"

"Abasea. She was Italian. A little younger than me, slightly shorter, dark hair, olive skin, and the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen. She had a little beauty spot, just there," he said, indicating a place high on his left cheekbone. "She had a waist I could put my hands around, and she looked half-starved, but nonetheless, she was the most beautiful creature in existence. All I wanted to do was pick her up and hide her away from the world, keep her safe and protected. She had a slight accent, and she didn't speak Chinese at all well, but we understood each other well enough. Her favourite food was apples,"

We sat in silence for a while. "You remembered all that…" I said wonderingly.

"Yes," he said, "And I would have revived her in a heartbeat, if I could have. But now…" he sighed. "I shall be seeing her soon anyway,"

"Zhuzhen!"

He waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it, Alice. I'm growing old. I shall be glad to go,"

"Zhuzhen,"

"Alice…When we left you in the hotel and I went shopping with him he could always remember what you needed. Always. He never had to stop and think, and if it was a choice between him getting new equipment or you, he'd always buy yours,"

"I never knew,"

"I don't think he knew himself. He did it automatically. If I'd pointed it out he wouldn't have believed it, would have said it was coincidence, but it wasn't…"

We were silent again.

"Thank you," I said eventually.

He nodded. "Just answer one thing. You invited me to talk to you here because you didn't want Zhen and Quihua to see you cry, rather than because you didn't want them to hear, didn't you?"

"Yes,"

"I thought so,"

"Zhuzhen, do you know where the village was where Anne died?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Alice,"

"It's okay," I thought for a minute. "Can you think of anywhere else?"

"Have you tried Koudelka?"

"I don't want to bother her. Besides, if she had any idea where Yuri was, she would have told me," I sighed. "He's not at his grave; I would have sensed him. He's not where he died, either,"

"Are you sure?"

"I've caught that train again a few times. I know it's the same one. I checked every carriage. I checked the stations we went through,"

"Hmm…did you ever hear of the Fort of Regrets?"

"The Fort of Regrets? No, where is it?"

"It's on St. Margarite Island, just off the coast of Cannes. It's said to be where the dead who have regrets go,"

"That sounds promising,"

"Yes. Speaking of Margarite, are you going to ask her to go with you too?"

"Too? You're coming?"

"Of course! I could never pass up an opportunity like this!"

"Thank you. Yes, I did want Margarite's help, but I have no idea where she is,"

He stared at me. "I thought you knew,"

"Knew what?"

"She's here!"