Title: My Own Last Breath
Author: Wren Skywalker
Disclaimer: It all belongs to George...
Spoilers: RotS
Notes: The 'bug' that's 'biting Vader's heart' is based off the dragon that does similar things to Anakin in the RotS novelization.
My Own Last Breath
Inhale.
Every nerve ending flares with the pain of air entering the "lungs". The pain is raw, unbearable. Bad enough that he wishes he could stop breathing, stop living. But it isn't something he can control, this fluid, steady, in and out hammering of life entering and then exiting his body. Also, there is Padme.
Exhale.
Even if he has to live the rest of his life this way, where every second of involuntary breath is torture, Padme is worth it. Padme is worth everything. Anything. There is nothing without her, nothing before, and if she died, there would be nothing after her.
Inhale.
This mechanical, iron breathing becomes... if not natural, at least something he begins to get used to. But what he can't get used to is the little nagging bug biting at his heart a bug with a voice that only knows four words. "She's dead, you know," it whispers, so the words become part of his blood stream, a blood stream that is beginning to boil. The slow- burning fire will never douse itself, not until he knows exactly where she is, that she's safe.
Exhale.
Footsteps. A voice. He begins to move, as if to turn his head, but finds there is a weight much like lead on his shoulders, so he stays still. He waits for the Chancellor- the Emperor- to speak again.
"Lord Vader."
Inhale.
"Yes-" if he was still Anakin, still remotely human, he would have spat his next words, "-my master."
"You can hear me. Good, good." The Emperor gives a short- lived chuckle and stands in front of his apprentice. "You have done well, my young apprentice. You have righted the galaxy. For that," another chuckle, "I commend you."
Exhale.
"My master-" an inward flinch- "Where is Padme? I must- I must see her."
The Emperor looks him directly in the eyes.
"I'm sorry, but it seems in your anger, you killed her."
Inhale.
Suddenly the little bug biting his heart learns eight new words: "See, I was right. I am always right."
He makes fists with his gloved hands, and the lights in the chamber go out. The medical droids that are tending to him explode from the inside, where their hearts would be. Pouches of liquid burst and ooze everywhere.
Exhale.
"Liar!" he bellows, although he is still not familiar with his new voice. "That is- impossible. She was alive! I felt it, I-"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
Inhale.
He searches his memory. What he does remember is almost as painful as breathing. Obi-Wan, standing in the doorway of her ship. She tries to explain, tries to reason with him, but he will not hear her excuses, her pleadings, her lies. He makes a fist, now completely controlling her airways, her breathing, her life. Her fate is in his hands.
Exhale.
Although he looked only at her during those few griping moments when he had absolute power over something, he was blinded by anger. Blinded by love. He does not remember releasing her, only that he did, because in his mind he sees her tired, broken body crumple to the ground. But he was also blinded by hate as he turned to deal with Obi-Wan.
Inhale.
He snaps his mind back to the present. He is too distracted, too focused on the how and why to see the smirk on his master's face.
"I can feel your anger. It gives you power." The Emperor crosses his arms and begins to laugh again.
Exhale.
"I must go to her, to where she is buried. I must see for myself."
Another smile from the Emperor. Again he does not see it.
"I am afraid that is not possible. She was a distraction; she was a threat to my- our- empire. This way is better. Soon you will realize that."
Inhale.
Although Vader did not carry much of Anakin Skywalker's personality with him, parts of it were still imbedded somewhere deep inside of him, laced within each piece of metal. He begins to grow angry. How dare he speak of Padme like this? She is- she was- Vader sinks to his knees in dispair. She was... She is no more. Because of you...
Suddenly he finds the desire to rip open his metal chest and crush his 'lungs'. He finds no reason to breathe.
But he cannot.
Exhale.
"I know what you're thinking," the Emperor says, a smile dancing across his features. "You think you need her. You think there is no life without her. But I tell you, that is not true! I have given you life, and this is how you repay me? By throwing yourself down because she is gone?"
Vader does not raise his head. He is ashamed...
Inhale.
The Emperor tries one last approach, one he knows will not fail.
"Lord Vader." This time, he does look up.
"Yes, my master." If he were Anakin Skywalker, his voice would be shaking with anger, and fear, for without her, there is nothing.
Exhale.
"She would not want you to come." The Emperor chooses his words carefully.
Vader continues to look up, although at this one moment in time, he wants to look back.
The Emperor continues. "You, the man she loved with her entire being, you, the father of her child, you, her husband, you have ended her life." He pauses to let this sink in. "She would not want you there, at her peaceful, final resting place."
Inhale.
"She is gone. You must let her go!"
At this moment, the moment Vader begins to believe these words, he fills with an anger deeper and stronger than he has ever known before. It latches on to the inner core of his being, and he thrives on it.
Exhale.
Anger, at himself. He killed her... Anger, at the Jedi. They taught him to release the love he would die for into the force. They would not help him. Anger, at Obi- Wan. He did not trust the boy he had raised, he turned her against him. Anger, at the Emperor. Because finally, he saw truth in his words. She is gone. Anger, at his anger. He could not control it. He can't control it. And now he will be left alone, perhaps forever, living, and breathing, and feeling this one raw emotion.
Inhale.
The only emotion he had ever felt that was almost as strong as his love for her. Almost.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale...
end