The Kiss. . .
Disclaimer: I don't own Cardcaptor Sakura, or any character related to it. I never did! XD CLAMP does, so does Kondasha... But it may never, ever belong to Nelbaka if it can't belong to me! -insert evil laugh-
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"All I ever want is for the person I love most to be happy…" –Daidouji
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That time at my room, where he asked me to dance, is something I will truly treasure forever. He twisted me for the final move, and I stayed in his arms. I knew that we were having the same thoughts. We didn't want to let go. He was holding me tight, but gentle. Unlike the way how things were between me and myself. I hated her! I knew all along that she was a hypocrite. Still, she stayed the same. I was harsh, I was mean… and I was fake.
I am usually seen happily squealing "kawaii" behind the lens of my video cam, though the truth is I was only hiding behind it. He knew how I felt, the pain I was carrying. And I always seem so much better when I talk with him. But I couldn't feel anything more than that, I shouldn't. He had his own life, his own love. While I, on the other hand, was still clinging into the love I could never have. And I never will have that love.
And then I figured that out. He, too, had the same feeling… just like mine. Such a happy person like him feeling the pain of being alone was weird. But I should know better. I was the same as he. He was living a life with the memories of somebody else. Even if I didn't, still I lived a life of lie. I was happy, really. Knowing that Sakura-chan has finally found the right person she loved the most. And that person surely wasn't me. I support her all the way, but the pain won't leave. I tried to escape, it haunted me. It found me in the middle of nowhere; I had no place to fit in. I always wanted someone to return the love I give. I wanted her to capture just my heart but, somehow, it wasn't only mine. Li-kun's heart was captured as well. And she failed to return my love, which hurt me more than anybody knew.
But everybody knew nothing about how I felt, especially not her. She was dense, so if you don't tell her she wouldn't know. And I didn't want to bother her, just like Li-kun said. But he was brave enough to tell her even though he knew the consequence of being rejected. I managed to keep quiet about my feelings, but he was too determined. And that determination was paid off, Sakura-chan accepted him. I was afraid to face the truth, but I knew, that Li-kun was the one she'd choose. He was courageous, unlike me. The only thing we have in common is the love we feel for the same person. Though I never considered him as a rival, he was more like a friend in need of help. And so I did, I encouraged him to tell her.
Am I happy? I seriously have a lot of questions, but they are far too complicated to be answered. Until that moment came. The moment I had not been waiting for, and wished. I twisted my neck slightly with the intention to just look at him. He leaned forward as I closed my eyes, and we met. His lips touched mine. I couldn't think clear; I was looking for reasons why he'd do something like that in my own lair. But I didn't object. If it were someone else, I am probably freaking out at the moment. But I felt safe, since it was him. Thinking that it was just a little brush, I tried to pull away and end it. Still, he held me closer, tighter as if it was possible for our body to merge, and he deepened the kiss. Umm…kiss…this is what two people possessing love and exchanging it with each other do, right? Right?
For a second, my mind panicked. But afterwards, I miraculously relaxed. I turned my body around to face him fully. He started to move his lips. I didn't know how or why, but my own suddenly turned into a traitor and returned it. It followed his every move. It was my first...uh…contact with a boy in that form. And that first is a real, deep one. Real? True? Or is it just like me, fake and unreal? I didn't want this, but I can push him away and run off like a normal girl would do, right?
Anyway, I stayed there. Because not only did my lips betray me, so did my arms. Out of the blue they wrapped themselves around his neck as if I enjoyed the moment. He still was embracing me, only a little more tightly this time. Still, he was gentle…the contact was exactly alike as he. The gentleman I always knew. The only person who understands exactly how I feel. I can never forget myself if I lose him. I don't want to lose him; I don't want him to leave me. Am I finally getting over Sakura-chan, my first love? Or am I being the same hypocrite I am, again? I guess not…
We had to pause, or else we'll lose our breath and die. But dying with him didn't make me feel scared…surprise. I couldn't look at him, I was too shy. Still I too a peek and caught him staring at me. He wore a smile, the sweetest smile I saw, you can get easily believe in whatever he was to say. And I was a victim of that smile. It was a criminal. And it grew even more wide and playful when I burst out a "what?". Seeing him happy, I suddenly felt strange. It was a feeling unfamiliar to me, not even Sakura-chan made me feel yet. What are the odds of feeling this kind of thing with him?
He kept staring at me. Is he contemplating me? Is he mocking me? Is he hitting on me? What is it? He really is a weird guy. He touched my cheek; I released a sigh and rested my face on his hand. My eyes were closed, reason why I was unaware of what he was to do. And I felt it again, a warm pack of flesh on my own. He placed his lips on my forehead, and he stayed that way. I had my eyes on him when I opened it, and there he was again staring. Then something strike me: the urge of letting go.
He spoke, asking me how I felt about him. I realized that he addressed me using my surname. He usually did, but at a time like this? What could he mean? I couldn't answer, but why? "Hiiragizawa-kun, do you feel something for me?" I questioned back. He chuckled, I frowned. "Let's make a deal," he said. My arms were still on his shoulders and his on my waist. "A deal?" I raised my eyebrow and he nodded. He explained that we call each other by our surnames while we search for the answer to our questions. Only until then are we able to use each other's first names for addressing. "Is that okay with you?" he asked. I wasn't sure. He asked me if it was okay with me? After he took my first kiss? "Hai!" I replied with a tone of a excitement.
It felt okay, actually. We didn't kiss, or whatever it's supposed to be called, just for nothing, right? There is an explanation, and it was destined that we help each other to find it. If he was meant for me…that we will find out soon. Just like Sakura-chan and Li-kun…they found true love. I can do that too. With Eriol— I mean Hiiragizawa-san's help. And I will forever thank him for this day. I would cherish it forever. The day I find out what is destined for me is the day I can finally call the contact we had: a kiss.
Owari.
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Hah. Finally. It looked prettier when I had it typed. The story, I mean. XD OMG I can't believe I finally finished a fic for once! -throws a victory party- whoo! Wee! Demo, I still think I lack something… OHOHOHO! Never mind about that! I'm just SOOOOOO happy I finished it! Weeeee bai bai!
Rainee-chan Ü