Author's Note: As a fellow psychopath (with the prescriptions to prove it), I've always felt a certain kinship with Dr. Jackal. And while you normally wouldn't imagine the cool, in-control killer Kuroudo Akabane letting loose at a karaoke bar and singing a song like this, it was too funny in my imagination not to write. Pray consider him OOC, and merely evaluate it for its humorous potential. Or lack thereof.
Standard type: Akabane's lines.
Bold: Chorus or Random Voice lines.
Disclaimers: Kuroudo Akabane a.k.a. Dr. Jackal belongs to the creators of the Get Backers, presumably Rando Ayamine and co. "The Asshole Song" belongs to Denis Leary. I do not own either of them, and write this purely for entertainment. Please don't sue.
My friends . . . I would like to sing a song about life. About death. About what it's like to slide half-a-dozen knives through a man's heart and laugh in satisfaction while he spits blood onto the shirt you just had dry-cleaned. About racing through the night in an eighteen-wheeler driven by a very twitchy man, leaping up into the air to send a rain of gleaming steel down upon the head of an eighteen-year-old human electric eel who turns into a muppet whenever I appear . . . you get the idea.
I'm a transporter, you see, with a quite simple plan:
Got a coat, a fedora, and an enemy named Ban.
I will murder, and torture, and laugh in the rain
Hide knives in my hands, make them think I'm insane
My allies and foes, my blood and my sword
And a backhand that hits you just like the Concorde . . .
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep me laughing and happy
(Oh no, no way, uh uh)
No, I have to go out and torment those Get Backer wusses . . .
(Whoa yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
I slice up the Manjis, 'cuz I do it so well
And I always wear black, like the doctor from hell
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I smile at Ginji when there's blood in the gutters
And then he chibifies, clings to Ban, and he shudders
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's a big fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn't be slaughtering foes
Or traumatize Ginji- it's bad, I suppose
Maybe I should buy some pastel-toned clothes . . .
NAH!
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get myself a brand-new bunch of scalpels- diamond-plated, with razor-sharp edges like a piece of fuckin' glass and tip them with poison, YEAH! And I'm going to drive around with Lady Poison and Mr. Unstoppable, and I'm going to shish-kebab every damn traffic cop who tries to stop us, and drag the bodies behind the truck! And then I'll get No-Brakes to stop at the Honky Tonk, and I'll walk right in with all the bodies, still got the scalpels stuck in 'em too, and I'll dump 'em on the counter right in front of Ginji and Ban, and I'll say "Care for some leftovers?" And when Ginji shrieks I'll smile like the cat that slow-roasted that damn canary and put a scalpel right through those Evil Eyes of his friend's! And when I'm done with that, I'm going to get Kyouji, and the Magame twins, and Makubex-
Hey!
and Juubei of the Flying Needles-
HEY!
and a case of sake and drive down to Tokyo-
You know, you really are an asshole.
You amuse me. Now get the hell out of here before I julienne your ass.
I'm an asshole!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole!
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E!
Everybody!
A-S-S-H-O-L-E !
(Jackal howling noises)
I am an asshole, Get Backers. And there's nothing you can do about it.