The X-Men go to the Library
Author's Notes: This fic was inspired by the wonderful work of Valkorie (Xtreme Mailing at the Post Office) and CosmicGirl 22 (Laundromat X-Style). It was also inspired by the insane goings-on that actually take place at libraries. The events in this story are based on true events. (Except for the mutants) Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men.
Professor Xavier read the letter on his desk and sighed. This called for a meeting. He sent a telepathic message out to all of his staff members, telling them to come to his study. Before long, Scott, Jean, Logan, Storm, and Kurt were assembled, looking curious as to what the professor wanted to discuss with them.
"A matter has come to my attention. I have a recieved a letter from the Salem Center Library informing me that we have $120 in overdue fines."
"What? $120??? How on earth did we accumulate that much?" Scott asked.
Everybody looked at Jean. "Oops," she said. "Before we went to Alkali Lake, I had some books checked out. About five, I think. Scott, why didn't you return them while I was gone, you idiot?"
"Well, excuse me! I was too busy grieving for my lost love and arguing with Logan."
"Hey!" Logan growled. "Don't blame me, pal. I'm not the one who kept the stupid library books six months overdue."
"No, you're the one who shredded A Traveler's History of Canada."
"Shut up," said Xavier. "Scott is quite right, Jean's boring science books only account for $50. There is also a $30 fine for Logan's damaged Canada book, and $15 for three videos -- 'A Perfect Storm', 'Twister', and 'Night of the Twisters' -- that were left in the bookdrop---"
"Wait a minute," interrupted Storm. "Why did I get fined for leaving my videos in the bookdrop?"
Scott explained wearily, "You can't leave audio-visual materials in the bookdrop. They could get damaged by big heavy books falling on top of them. Why didn't you take them inside? It's either that or get fined $5 a video."
"Well, at least I've chosen a side."
"Okay, whatever, pay the $15."
Xavier continued, "There's also the matter of $25 for a lost book -- A Snowman on Sycamore Street."
"Bobby Drake," groaned Logan.
"Allright, we need to go into town and take care of this matter. Storm, Cyclops, go ready the jet---"
Jean interrupted. "Why do they always get to do that? I want to fly the jet!"
The Professor sighed. "Because when you fly it, it ends up crashing. Jean, do you know where your books are?"
She looked indignant. "That's an unfair question, Professor. After all, the wrong person at the bottom of a lake wouldn't know where the books are."
The Professor sighed. "Fine. Does anyone know where they are?"
"I zhink I know vhere zhey are, Professor," said Kurt, and then with a BAMF!, he vanished.
Xavier nodded. "Right, then. Logan, go get Bobby Drake and tell him to find A Snowman on Sycamore Street. Jean, why don't you see if anyone else needs to go to the library. We'll meet in the hangar in fifteen minutes."
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Fifteen minutes later, Professor X, Logan, Scott, Jean, Storm, and Kurt were in the jet, ready to leave. Bobby and Rogue arrived a minute later.
"I found it," Bobby announced triumphantly, holding up the lost book, which looked a little soggy, still thawing out after having been accidentally frozen. They all settled into the jet, and flew into town.
They parked in the library parking lot, taking up about twenty parking spaces, to the great irritation of the library staff.
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Meanwhile in the library, a young woman named Marian sat at the front desk, scanning a piece of paper frantically. She had just telephoned a patron to tell him that the book he had on hold had arrived, but she had forgotten the patron's name. Her eyes fastened on the first name she saw on the slip of paper, and she stammered, "Uh, is, um, is John Grisham there?"
"What?" asked the patron, in a confused voice.
"Oh, I mean, Tim Jones?" Darn it, I did it again, saying the wrong name, she thought. Just then, an older man with gray hair, accompanied by a tall, blue woman walked up to the desk. Marian finished her phone call, and turned her full attention to them. "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I have a question," the man said, as he pointed to one of the book carts. "That remarkable metal doesn't run through the entire cart, does it?"
The librarian glanced at the metal cart, and said, "Uh, yeah, I think so." That's a weird question,she thought.
He smiled. "Good. Come, Mystique, we have books to get." With a wave of his arm, he walked toward the reference section, with the cart rolling along in front of him.
The X-Men walked into the library. They conferred for a moment, and then scattered. Logan wandered off in the direction of the travel guides. Bobby and Rogue headed off to the Young Adult section. Storm and Kurt went to the Audio-Visual section looking for some more videos. Xavier, Scott, and Jean went up to the front desk to take care of their fines. Marian looked up and said, "Can I help you?"
Xavier said, "I have some fines I'd like to take care of."
Marian sighed inwardly. "Okay, do you have your card?"
Xavier smiled congenially. "Of course." He set it on the counter, and the librarian took it and scanned it.
"Oooh-kay, Mr. Xavier, is it? Well, it looks like you have some overdue books, some fines for some videos that were returned in the book drop, a damaged book, and a lost book. The total is...." The librarian blinked and peered closer at the computer screen. "Wow. Um, you owe $120."
"Here are the overdue books," Jean said, setting them on the counter. The librarian checked them in, and said, "Okay. Do you have A Snowman on Sycamore Street? It's marked here as missing."
"Where's Bobby and Rogue?" Xavier wondered.
Jean concentrated. "Something's happening in the young adult section."
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Bobby and Rogue were browsing the paperback rack, when suddenly Rogue gasped. She grabbed Bobby and dragged him behind a shelf. "Bobby! Did you see him? John's here!"
Bobby tried to poke his head out to see. "Where? I don't see---" Rogue pulled him back.
"Don't look! We can't get into a fight here in the library! Can you imagine what your powers would do to the books? You already melted that thing," she pointed disdainfully at the snowman book, "we don't want to provoke John into setting the rest of them on fire."
"If John's here, do you think Magneto and Mystique could be here, too?" Bobby wondered.
"Probably. Come on let's get out of here before John sees us. We have to warn the professor."
"Okay, I guess I have to return this book, too." Bobby got ready to sneak out of the room.
"Yeah, like they'll want it, all soggy like that. Wait a second, I just want to look for the new Gossip Girl book." She turned back to the paperback rack, while Bobby waited impatiently.
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Downstairs in Audio-Visual, Storm and Kurt were perusing the collection of DVDs. Storm was muttering about why couldn't she return videos in the bookdrop, it was totally inconvenient to have to come all the way into the library, and getting more and more worked up over the matter, she finally stormed over to the AV desk to complain.
The man sitting there looked at her dubiously as she ranted about how she'd gotten a $15 fine for dropping her videos in the bookdrop, after all, it had been raining that day and she hadn't wanted to get out of the car, and why wasn't there a notice on the video box that said she couldn't leave them in the book drop???
The librarian sighed and held up a video, pointing at the neon pink label that read "DO NOT LEAVE IN BOOK DROP -- $5 FINE."
Storm blinked. "Oh."
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Logan was looking at the travel guides. He growled, irritated that he couldn't find what he wanted. He spotted a girl pushing a cart full of books, and stalked over to her. "Hey kid. I'm looking for a book."
"What book are you looking for?" she asked.
"Uh, something to do with secret government laboratories in Canada. Where would that be?"
The girl looked a bit perplexed. "Weeeellll.......the Canada books would be in the 900s. But, secret government laboratories....hmmm. Is that like conspiracy theory stuff? That might be with the UFO books in the 000s."
"I'm not talking about flying saucers, I'm talking about government installations," Logan said in irritation.
The girl shrugged. "I'm sorry, you'll have to ask at the reference desk."
"Forget it," Logan sighed in resignation and went off the find the Professor.
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Scott wandered aimlessly through the library. It was always so peaceful in libraries. Suddenly the man sitting behind the desk in the children's department gasped in horror. He stood up and screamed, "It's three'o'clock!!! Run for cover!!!!"
The next thing Scott knew a horde of children from elementary school age to high schoolers came flooding in and soon the library was filled with chaos and mayhem as it transformed into an unofficial day care center. Scott sighed. So much for peace and quiet.
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Back at the main desk, Marian was clicking away on her computer. "Okay, so that's $50 for the overdue books, $30 for the damaged Canada book, $15 for the videos, and.........where is the missing book?"
Just then Bobby and Rogue came in and presented the book to the librarian. She looked at it askance. "This is damaged. It got wet." She sighed. "Let me check the price." While she checked the price, Bobby and Rogue conducted a low, urgent conversation with the professor, regarding John and the possible presence of Magneto.
Meanwhile Jean caught the attention of a second librarian, who had just walked behind the desk. "Excuse me," said Jean. "Do you have any exceptions for people who have been presumed dead?"
"What do you mean exactly?" he asked, perplexed.
"Well, it's just that the reason I didn't return these books on time was because I drowned in a lake."
He looked at her askance. "Did you now?"
"Well, I'm not still in the lake. Everybody thought I was dead, but......oh, it's a long story. But that's why the books are late. I was presumed dead."
"Hmmm. I don't think we have a policy that covers situations quite like that....." Fortunately, the poor man was saved from having to field this question, by the return of Marian, who came back to inform them that the cost of the damaged Snowman on Sycamore Street was $25.
"So, your total fine is $120. Will you be paying for that now?"
Xavier sighed. "Yes, do you accept checks?"
"Yes, just make it out to the City of Salem Center."
As the Professor made out the check, Rogue said to Bobby, "Come on, I want to go see if they have 'The Untouchables'."
Bobby rolled his eyes. "Rogue, that's not about you."
"C'mon!" She pulled on his arm and dragged him off to the AV section.
Meanwhile Jean wandered over to examine the display case, which this month, had a focus on superheros. She squinted as she caught a reflection in the glass. Magneto! She turned around and saw him walk around the corner of the 900s, a metal book cart piled with books floating behind him. He was here! "Professor," she said urgently. "Mag--"
"Just a moment, Jean," the professor said, concentrating on filling in the correct amount in his checkbook. He was so absorbed in this task that he hadn't noticed that the rather nondescript young woman standing nearby had suddenly morphed into the more familiar, scaly, indigo-skinned Mystique.
"Professor!"
"Jean, I'm busy. Can you wait a minute?"
Mystique walked right up to them and slammed a book down on the counter, causing Xavier to look up with a surprised expression. She smirked at him. "A $120 fine? It's people like you who make librarians afraid to go to work every day."
The Professor and Jean gaped at her, until Marian piped up, "Actually, she's right." All three mutants then looked at the flustered librarian, the Professor and Jean looking rather sheepish.
Mystique held out her card to the librarian and said, "Can you check my account and make sure everything is checked in?"
"Of course." Marian scanned her card, and studied the computer screen. "You have a 25 cent fine for an overdue book."
"What?! I didn't return any books overdue! I would know if I had returned something overdue!"
"Well, according to the computer, it never got checked in." Marian looked apologetically at Mystique and waited to see if the mutant would pay the quarter fine.
"Which book was it?" Mystique demanded.
Marian clicked the mouse a couple of times. "Behind the Scenes with the Blue Man Group."
"I returned that on time!"
"Well, according to the computer, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did!!"
The librarian sighed and clicked on the "claims returned" button. "Okay, we'll look for it."
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Logan had finally found the book he was looking for: Complete Idiot's Guide to Experimentation on Mutants. If that couldn't help him, what could? He ended up in the Audio-Visual section and was studying the back of "Kate and Leopold", when in a poof of blue-black smoke, Kurt appeared next to him. Logan dropped "Kate and Leopold" and glared at Kurt. "I told you not to do that to me."
Kurt shrugged. "Sorry. Ah, so you found a book to check out? Vhat is it about?"
Logan gave him a piercing look. "I can't remember."
"Okaaaay. Storm is picking out a video. Then ve are supposed to meet the Professor up at the front desk."
Storm came rushing up to them, holding up a video. "How about this one?"
Logan grimaced in distaste. "I hate cats."
"It's not about cats, it's about a woman who turns into a catwoman."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
Kurt broke in, defusing a potentially loud argument. "My friends, ve are in a library, we are supposed to be quiet. Do not be getting angry vith each other."
Storm put on a self-righteous expressions. "Sometimes, anger can help you survive."
"So can being quiet," Kurt countered.
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Finally, all the X-Men had regathered at the front desk. Fines taken care of and items returned, they checked out their books and videos.
"All right, these will be due on June 19th," the librarian said cheerfully, handing the Professor the receipt.
"Thank you -- " Xavier broke off and Magneto stepped up to the desk, and stood next to Mystique, setting down a huge pile of books. His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Eric. What are you doing here?"
Magneto raised an eyebrow. "Can't you read my mind?" He waved dismissively at the pile of books. "Just doing a bit of research on how to rule the world. Machiavelli, Caesar, that sort of thing. Although most of their ideas are utter nonsense."
"Don't give up on them, Eric."
"What would you have me do, Charles? Read Confessions of a Shopaholic?"
Magneto proceeded to hand his library card to Marian, and the X-Men readied themselved to head back out to their jet.
Right before they exited the front doors, Magneto called out, "You know, Charles, there are still books to be read, and I intend to read them by any means necessary."
Xavier replied, "And I will always be there, old friend." Then with a final glower at Magneto and Mystique, the Professor and his X-Men left.
Soon afterward, Magneto and Mystique left as well. Marian sighed with relief when she heard the jet take off, thinking of all the parking spots that would now be free. "Problem patrons. Must remember to make a note in their records."
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Please review! And if you want more stories like this, click on my Author Profile -- read Xtreme Mailing at the Post Office, which was begun by Valkorie, and finished by myself. And read her other stuff too, it's hilarious. And of course, like I mentioned up above, Cosmic Girl 22's Laundromat story. Enjoy!