Never Gamble On Gryffindors

Summary: A bet between the esteemed heads of Gryffindor and Slytherin house provides unprecedented comic relief. Possible SS/HG, best read with a cynical mindset.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe, or the characters living in it. JK Rowling does. I'm only borrowing them for my own amusement, and promise to return them freshly cleaned and Obliviated.

Prologue

Severus glanced up when Minerva entered the staffroom. She was smiling benignly, an embellished envelope tucked under her arm. As she sat across from him at the window, he returned to sorting through his own mail, ignoring the Head of Gryffindor House.

Minerva cleared her throat. "Severus, did you get an invitation?"
Severus cringed inwardly. She was radiating 'happy' waves; honestly, was it that hard to keep your feelings to yourself? Gryffindors, he thought to himself contemptuously.

"Minerva, you darling old bagpipe, of course I recieved one. I worked with the girl for two years, didn't I?" He looked up, sneering slightly.

Minerva continued as if she hadn't heard his comment, laying the glittering parchment upon the table with a flourish. "You know, she told me over a month ago, in one of our letters. I was bursting to tell everyone, but the dear girl told me to keep it a secret until they had sent out invitations-"

Severus interrupted fluidly, looking up from a new alchemic periodical he'd been flipping through. "So that's what you were bubbling on about all through February. Really, Minerva, you shouldn't wear your heart on your sleeve so. My Slytherins will use that to your disadvantage one of these days." He finished his miniature lecture with an oily smile, one that involved only the corners of his lips lifting to reveal two very white, sharp teeth, before pushing a lock of raven hair out of his eyes. Albus had been right- whiter teeth really did make him look more menacing.

Minerva gave the Head of Slytherin a chidingly playful look. "Really, Severus, you should wash your hair more. My Gryffindors are going to hunt you down and give you a good scrubbing one of these days."

"You know quite well, my dear, that I wash my hair more often than most of your Gryffindors. If I remember correctly, when I was a student, there were quite a few murmurings about how the Transfiguration professor should shave more."

Minerva stared at him, consternation obvious on her face. He fought to keep a straight face as she abruptly snapped her jaw shut.

"You- you aren't- serious..."

Severus looked to the ceiling, the tiny smile back again. "Of course not, Minerva. They were too busy wondering what else was hiding under those robes to notice your bristly shins."

He finally gave into a deep chuckle when her jaw dropped again, eyes wide as saucers behind square spectacles.

"Really, Minerva, you're too much fun to torment."

Minerva pursed her lips into a thin line for a moment, and then looked down to open up the text she'd brought with her. After a pause, she continued.

"But really, Severus, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley- aren't they just wonderfully suited to each other?"

The Potions master sighed and closed his periodical; he obviously wasn't getting out of this one. He closed his eyes for a moment, and the first thing he leveled his gaze at when he opened them was McGonnagall's face, lined with what he thought was a subtle yearning for his opinion.

"To tell you the truth, I think Miss Granger would be better suited with anyone other than Ronald Weasley."

Severus truly couldn't believe someone with so much talent would be willing to marry a Weasley. They were a family built on several standards: good morals, strict principles, and an incredibly involved family life. Having worked closely with Granger for two years had given him a surprsingly well-fleshed insight to her; Severus never would expect such an irritatingly free-spirited and brazen person to tie herself down like that. Though, of course, the girl had always been incredibly thick when it came to common sense.

He supposed things concerning social relations wasn't her strong point, but surely the girl knew enough to see what would become of such a union? But, he should stop thinking such things; it was really none of his concern. Minerva would make him attend the wedding with her, he'd go, and never hear from two-thirds of the trio again.

While Severus had been contemplating that, Minerva had been racking her brains for a suitable comeback.

"Even you'd be better suited, Severus?" She smirked mischeiviously.

Severus leaned back in his chair. "I wouldn't take it that far, Minnie, but I don't expect the engagement to last. Granger has more sense than that."

Even though she flinched at the nickname, Minerva had always been eager to meet a challenge. Too bad Severus was undoubtedly right. He'd hate to see her go through a good dose of humiliation.

"Oh, really?" Minerva leaned in conspiritorially. "Would you like to bet on that?"

She had walked right into it. "And what would this bet entail?"

"Whether Hermione and Ronald marry- loser has to dance on top of the table at the staff meeting following either the marriage or break off to winner's discretion." She leaned back in her chair, arms folded across her chest with an almost triumphant flourish.

"How about we up the stakes a bit?" Severus' lips curled wickedly. "Loser has to... ah..." He racked his brains for something... something she surely wouldn't...

"...has to perform a strip tease that ends in giving Dumbledore a lap dance at the following staff meeting, winner choosing undergarments."

"Deal." Minerva held out her hand and chuckled, while Severus gave a tiny mental jump, surprised she had accepted the offer. "I'm picking out panties already."

Severus composed himself with stunning velocity, smirk growing as he shook his companion's hand. "As am I, dear, as am I."