A/N: I'd just like to thank everyone who has reviewed so far. Your
comments are really appreciated. Notice that I'm finally updating, I'm
very proud of myself!!! Lol. Sorry about the wait.
-Dizzy
Dreams aren't real, or are they? Nightmares, wet dreams, and everything in between. Fake. Not real. Products of the unconscious imagination at work... Right? Damn, Ryan didn't even know anymore.
Sure, the writing appearing on the walls in his dream might not have been completely realistic, but he had honestly felt the slap... or had he? Damn, even he didn't know what he was thinking anymore. What he needed right now was about two weeks of sleep, dreamless sleep.
Seth Cohen was at a loss for what to do. He could go ask his father for the help that he was positive he needed and betray Ryan's delicate trust, or he could try to talk to Ryan himself and get a harsh glare or maybe even a black eye for the effort. Taking a deep breath, Seth made his decision. Walking over to the bathroom door, which his brother had just disappeared behind, Seth knocked tentatively. Upon receiving no answer, he tried the handle, expecting to find it locked. It wasn't.
"Ryan?" Seth half whispered, "I'm coming in... okay?" Once again, there was no sound from within the bathroom, so Seth slowly opened the door. The first thing he noticed was the lack of light... the room was as dark as it could possibly be, and that wasn't only because the sun that should have been shining through the small sunroof was covered by storm clouds. The lights were off, and when Seth tried to flick them on, nothing happened; all three bulbs from above the mirror were unscrewed and sitting next to the sink. Moments after Seth realized what happened to the lights, he saw Ryan. The blond boy was huddled in the darkest corner of the small room, his knees were pulled up to his chest and he was rocking slightly. Stunned by how young his 'brother' looked, Seth drew in a sharp breath. Ryan had always seemed so many years older than he actually was and Seth had always figured that it was because Ryan had lived in Chino, but maybe, just maybe, he'd been wrong. Maybe, just maybe, there was something else, something that even Sandy Cohen, who'd practically memorized Ryan's file, didn't know about. Something deeper, something more painful... Seth knew that he was probably blowing this whole thing way out of proportion, but he couldn't help but wonder why Ryan had those horrible nightmares... Were they simply dreams, or were they memories?
Seth slowly knelt on the tile floor next to Ryan and quickly realized that the other boy had tears running silently down his cheeks. Had he ever seen Ryan cry? No, of course he hadn't. Ryan did cry, not even when the cops took him away, not even when his own mother turned her back on him that last time; Ryan Atwood didn't cry.
"Ryan... what's up man?" Seth was careful not to call his best friend 'Ry' because there seemed to be something about that too. Seth rarely heard Ryan called 'Ry,' but come to think of it, when Seth thought back, he could remember Ryan cringing slightly whenever that nickname escaped someone's lips. Yet another one of the many odd 'mysteries' surrounding Ryan Atwood. Seth was sure that the file his father had in his office on Ryan would explain many of the questions he had about the guy's behavior at times, but Seth had an odd gut feeling that the names Janine and Tory wouldn't be explained in that file. That particular explanation had to come from Ryan himself.
Pushing his many questions to the back of his mind, Seth placed his hand lightly on Ryan's shoulder and shook him gently. Suddenly, Ryan shook his head and offered a slight smile.
"What do you want Seth?" He asked, as if nothing odd had been going on. Seth was amazed by the fact that in a split second, Ryan was able to go back to looking like himself, and not some lost little boy. That was the first time that Seth realized that the Ryan he knew might not at all be real; the Ryan he knew might be the mask of a kid who had to hide in order to survive. The real Ryan Atwood might be an entirely different person. Ryan climbed to his feet and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Seth on the floor.
Ryan wasn't showing it, but he was terrified. Oh God, what if Seth knew? No, Seth couldn't know! Seth didn't know about Ryan's failure; he didn't know who Janine and Tory were; he didn't know anything about how Ryan hadn't been in time to save them. To Seth, Ryan was some kind of a hero, or a big brother figure. (Even though Seth was technically five weeks older). Ryan could destroy that superhero image; if the Cohen's only knew, they would throw his sorry ass out of their pool house in two seconds flat. Ryan was a failure, a murderer, pretending to be a normal kid and his mask was slipping off, piece by piece. It was all that Ryan could do to pretend that nothing was wrong, to get up out of that dark corner, which was where he would have stayed forever if he could have. Reaching under his bed, Ryan grabbed the black bag he'd brought with him from Chino, and after fishing around inside it for a moment, he pulled out a half empty package of cigarettes and a lighter. Taking his two precious possessions with him, he exited the pool house and walked around back to smoke; if any of the Cohens looked out from the main house, they wouldn't have been able to see him, so he was safe with the comforting nicotine, at least for a little while. Just as Ryan was finishing his first cigarette, Seth found him and sat down next to him.
"So are you going to tell me what's up man?" The lanky boy asked. Ryan just cast on of his patented sideways glares, but for once, it didn't work. Seth knew that Ryan didn't realize it, but the glare looked much more sad and lost than it looked hard and back offish.
"Not working Ry... Ryan."
"Why?"
"I want to know who Janine and Tory are."
"Never say those names, and never call me Ry."
"Tell me."
"No... I can't."
"Why?"
"You ask too many questions."
"I could go to my dad and tell him about your nightmares."
"Are you threatening me?"
"...yes..."
The two boys sat in complete silence for a few minutes and as Seth was about to get up, Ryan spoke.
"You don't want to know."
"Yes, I do."
"I don't want to remember..."
"You can't run from your past."
"Says who?"
"um... I dunno who made that one up..."
"You would really tell your dad... would you?"
"I think I would... you need to talk to someone..."
"I'd really rather not..." Seth noticed the crack in Ryan's voice as he spoke.
"It'll help..."
"Help what" Ryan suddenly yelled, standing up angrily, "It won't bring them back, it won't erase what happened, and it won't change what I did!" Tears began streaming down his cheeks once again, and Ryan Atwood gave up and sitting down again, began to sob.
A/N Next chappy is when you (and I) get to find out what exactly happened... yippee!!! Okay, I know that Seth kinda figures out a bit too much on his own when he's in the bathroom with Ryan, but I'm satisfied with that part. I'm sorry if it's confusing, and I'm sorry if the spacing is bad again, I can't seem to fix that. I think that this chappy is pretty angsty, and I'm sorry if you don't like that, but I don't think it will be getting any lighter for a few chapters. PLEASE R/R!!!
-Dizzy
Dreams aren't real, or are they? Nightmares, wet dreams, and everything in between. Fake. Not real. Products of the unconscious imagination at work... Right? Damn, Ryan didn't even know anymore.
Sure, the writing appearing on the walls in his dream might not have been completely realistic, but he had honestly felt the slap... or had he? Damn, even he didn't know what he was thinking anymore. What he needed right now was about two weeks of sleep, dreamless sleep.
Seth Cohen was at a loss for what to do. He could go ask his father for the help that he was positive he needed and betray Ryan's delicate trust, or he could try to talk to Ryan himself and get a harsh glare or maybe even a black eye for the effort. Taking a deep breath, Seth made his decision. Walking over to the bathroom door, which his brother had just disappeared behind, Seth knocked tentatively. Upon receiving no answer, he tried the handle, expecting to find it locked. It wasn't.
"Ryan?" Seth half whispered, "I'm coming in... okay?" Once again, there was no sound from within the bathroom, so Seth slowly opened the door. The first thing he noticed was the lack of light... the room was as dark as it could possibly be, and that wasn't only because the sun that should have been shining through the small sunroof was covered by storm clouds. The lights were off, and when Seth tried to flick them on, nothing happened; all three bulbs from above the mirror were unscrewed and sitting next to the sink. Moments after Seth realized what happened to the lights, he saw Ryan. The blond boy was huddled in the darkest corner of the small room, his knees were pulled up to his chest and he was rocking slightly. Stunned by how young his 'brother' looked, Seth drew in a sharp breath. Ryan had always seemed so many years older than he actually was and Seth had always figured that it was because Ryan had lived in Chino, but maybe, just maybe, he'd been wrong. Maybe, just maybe, there was something else, something that even Sandy Cohen, who'd practically memorized Ryan's file, didn't know about. Something deeper, something more painful... Seth knew that he was probably blowing this whole thing way out of proportion, but he couldn't help but wonder why Ryan had those horrible nightmares... Were they simply dreams, or were they memories?
Seth slowly knelt on the tile floor next to Ryan and quickly realized that the other boy had tears running silently down his cheeks. Had he ever seen Ryan cry? No, of course he hadn't. Ryan did cry, not even when the cops took him away, not even when his own mother turned her back on him that last time; Ryan Atwood didn't cry.
"Ryan... what's up man?" Seth was careful not to call his best friend 'Ry' because there seemed to be something about that too. Seth rarely heard Ryan called 'Ry,' but come to think of it, when Seth thought back, he could remember Ryan cringing slightly whenever that nickname escaped someone's lips. Yet another one of the many odd 'mysteries' surrounding Ryan Atwood. Seth was sure that the file his father had in his office on Ryan would explain many of the questions he had about the guy's behavior at times, but Seth had an odd gut feeling that the names Janine and Tory wouldn't be explained in that file. That particular explanation had to come from Ryan himself.
Pushing his many questions to the back of his mind, Seth placed his hand lightly on Ryan's shoulder and shook him gently. Suddenly, Ryan shook his head and offered a slight smile.
"What do you want Seth?" He asked, as if nothing odd had been going on. Seth was amazed by the fact that in a split second, Ryan was able to go back to looking like himself, and not some lost little boy. That was the first time that Seth realized that the Ryan he knew might not at all be real; the Ryan he knew might be the mask of a kid who had to hide in order to survive. The real Ryan Atwood might be an entirely different person. Ryan climbed to his feet and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Seth on the floor.
Ryan wasn't showing it, but he was terrified. Oh God, what if Seth knew? No, Seth couldn't know! Seth didn't know about Ryan's failure; he didn't know who Janine and Tory were; he didn't know anything about how Ryan hadn't been in time to save them. To Seth, Ryan was some kind of a hero, or a big brother figure. (Even though Seth was technically five weeks older). Ryan could destroy that superhero image; if the Cohen's only knew, they would throw his sorry ass out of their pool house in two seconds flat. Ryan was a failure, a murderer, pretending to be a normal kid and his mask was slipping off, piece by piece. It was all that Ryan could do to pretend that nothing was wrong, to get up out of that dark corner, which was where he would have stayed forever if he could have. Reaching under his bed, Ryan grabbed the black bag he'd brought with him from Chino, and after fishing around inside it for a moment, he pulled out a half empty package of cigarettes and a lighter. Taking his two precious possessions with him, he exited the pool house and walked around back to smoke; if any of the Cohens looked out from the main house, they wouldn't have been able to see him, so he was safe with the comforting nicotine, at least for a little while. Just as Ryan was finishing his first cigarette, Seth found him and sat down next to him.
"So are you going to tell me what's up man?" The lanky boy asked. Ryan just cast on of his patented sideways glares, but for once, it didn't work. Seth knew that Ryan didn't realize it, but the glare looked much more sad and lost than it looked hard and back offish.
"Not working Ry... Ryan."
"Why?"
"I want to know who Janine and Tory are."
"Never say those names, and never call me Ry."
"Tell me."
"No... I can't."
"Why?"
"You ask too many questions."
"I could go to my dad and tell him about your nightmares."
"Are you threatening me?"
"...yes..."
The two boys sat in complete silence for a few minutes and as Seth was about to get up, Ryan spoke.
"You don't want to know."
"Yes, I do."
"I don't want to remember..."
"You can't run from your past."
"Says who?"
"um... I dunno who made that one up..."
"You would really tell your dad... would you?"
"I think I would... you need to talk to someone..."
"I'd really rather not..." Seth noticed the crack in Ryan's voice as he spoke.
"It'll help..."
"Help what" Ryan suddenly yelled, standing up angrily, "It won't bring them back, it won't erase what happened, and it won't change what I did!" Tears began streaming down his cheeks once again, and Ryan Atwood gave up and sitting down again, began to sob.
A/N Next chappy is when you (and I) get to find out what exactly happened... yippee!!! Okay, I know that Seth kinda figures out a bit too much on his own when he's in the bathroom with Ryan, but I'm satisfied with that part. I'm sorry if it's confusing, and I'm sorry if the spacing is bad again, I can't seem to fix that. I think that this chappy is pretty angsty, and I'm sorry if you don't like that, but I don't think it will be getting any lighter for a few chapters. PLEASE R/R!!!