THIS A/N IS KIND OF IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO READ I just realized that I've forgotten to specify exactly when this is story is taking place. (Well, I don't remember putting that in; I'm not sure because I only have chapters four and five with me at the moment considering the fact that this is being written on a laptop in the middle of Yellowstone and the rest of the story is on my home computer.) This story is taking place right after the entire Oliver incident. His almost suicide has prompted Ryan's nightmares.

"And in case you haven't noticed and in case you haven't heard, it's just me against the world and the world is winning." –I forgot the exact name of this band, but I know that it's a girl band, sorry.

"Scars they cut into you; blisters, a rose colored hue; mayday, we're going down. These masculine memories are morose; constant company's comatose." –Vendetta Red (Shatterday)

"God, I need a drink." Ryan whispered, before resting his head on his knees, successfully hiding his face from Seth. An eerie silence settled over the two boys as Ryan stopped speaking. Seth was no expert, but it was his firm belief that a really good psychologist was what Ryan needed, not a beer.

"Dude... you've... got to tell... someone else." Seth said slowly, choosing his words carefully, "No one should have to keep that bottled up inside." Ryan looked up, shocked and angry.

"You think I need a shrink don't you?" He hissed, his eyes flashing, "That's exactly what Theresa said." Seth held up his hands defensively, hoping desperately to avoid being on the receiving end of a punch.

"I... I don't know... I just... I think..." He stuttered, at a loss for words. The icy look in the blond boy's eyes was terrifying to Seth; he'd seen Ryan angry before, but not that angry. Seth, sure that he'd said the wrong thing, wished that the ground would open up and swallow him. He didn't have the right to hear about Janine and Victoria because he had no way of helping the guy whom they haunted.

"I didn't think you would do this to me; you were the one person that I thought I could trust to not think I'm crazy." Ryan's eyes had lost their rage and voice was calmer now, but he sounded hurt.

"I don't think you're crazy Ry; I..." Seth started. Suddenly, Ryan's eyes lit on fire again and he leapt to his feet.

"I told you not to call me that!" He shouted. Then, realizing he was shouting at his best friend, a boy who only wanted to help, he looked at the ground. "I'm going for a walk; I'll be back later." Grabbing his cigarettes and lighter from the ground, he disappeared down the path, which led towards the beach. Seth was left, dumbstruck, sitting behind the pool house as his brother vanished. Okay, Seth thought, it's defiantly time to get dad involved.

Five minutes later, Seth was not inside the house, calling his father; instead he was in Ryan's pool house, shuffling through the boy's belongings. He knew that by going through Ryan's things, he was betraying his brother's delicate trust, but he knew he had to. What he was trying to do was find the note; he was sure that Ryan wouldn't have thrown it away, so Seth's best guess was that it was in the pool house somewhere. He had to see that note, that final goodbye of a girl he hadn't even known; Ryan wasn't the most talkative person in general, so Seth knew that if he read that note, he would be able to better understand what was going on with Ryan. As Seth searched, he realized that despite the fact that his mother frequently bought new things for Ryan, the guy hardly ever used them. There was an unopened cd player in one of his drawers, many of the clothes were untouched, and in the closet, Seth found three unopened shoeboxes. If he'd been Ryan, he would have taken full advantage of everything offered to him, but Seth supposed that this was one of the many things that set himself and Ryan apart. It was under the bed that Seth finally found what he was looking for. Stuffed in the darkest corner, he stumbled across the black book bag that Ryan had originally brought with him from Chino. Rescuing the tattered bag from the darkness of the underside of the bed, Seth sat down on the neatly made bed and opened it. Inside, he found an assortment of things that shocked him. The first things that Seth noticed were the folded jeans, shirt, undershirt, boxers, and socks that Ryan had kept in the bag; gasping, the gangly boy realized that his friend had been prepared to run at any moment. There was also an envelope stuffed with money, which Seth figured had come from when Ryan had worked at the Crab Shack. The guy could have disappeared with just the book bag and he would have been fine on his own. There were also things in the book bag that Seth had assumed would be there: a half empty package of condoms, three boxes of cigarettes, and a lighter. There was also an old green spiral notebook, which had 'You Touch, You Die' scrawled messily on the cover; it was a journal. As Seth picked it up, four photos and a piece of paper fell out. Realizing that he'd found what he was looking for, Seth put everything back in the book bag and picking it up, slipped out of the pool house, before Ryan could get back and catch him in the act of invading privacy.

A/N I'm all about the song quotes in this chapter. I've got three already if you count the next one and a lot of them don't make much sense, I just like them.

"In the land of dirt and plaster, there lies an army of 1,000 nowhere kids; losing ground and falling faster, into the life that no one should have to live." –Smile Empty Soul (Nowhere Kids)

Incidentally, there was no chance of Ryan walking in on Seth because as Seth was rustling around in the pool house, Ryan was sitting on a deserted stretch of beach, chain smoking and drinking from a bottle of vodka, which was hidden in a paper bag; he had bought the vodka with his fake id. Ryan knew that he would have to go back sometime, but for right now, he was content with smoking and getting drunk on the beach. He would figure out how to explain it to Sandy and Kirsten later. Too much was on his mind right now. Usually, Ryan could control his thoughts very well, if he didn't want to think about something, he was able to push it to the back of his mind, but today was an exception. There were so many people whom he just couldn't seem to forget, too many people whose faces were floating around in his head. It was all too familiar, too much for him to handle.

There was Theresa to remember. He hadn't seen her since Thanksgiving and that one hadn't gone particularly well; she'd been jealous of Marissa and he'd almost gotten his ass kicked by those guys at the chop shop. Theresa, Theresa, Theresa. He had so many good memories of Theresa, but there were also so many bad ones that almost overpowered the good ones. There'd been that time when he and Theresa had first hooked up and had so much fun together in several different ways; those were defiantly good memories. Then again, there had also been that time when she thought she was pregnant, not so good, especially after Janine.

Janine. Damn it. That was quite possibly the worst thing that'd ever happened to him. After everything with Janine, Ryan had gone on a downwards spiral, leading towards ultimate self-destruction. He'd gone on a drinking, drug, and sex binge after Janine had killed herself. He'd done all three before the incident, but not even close to half as much. Before Janine, he would smoke a little pot from time to time, drink when he was hanging out with friends, and of course, have frequent sex with Janine, but only Janine. After she was gone, Ryan had started drinking a whole lot more than he used to, smoking a hell of a lot more pot and sometimes using ecstasy or other drugs, and then there was the sex. Following Janine's death, Ryan became a huge fan of one night stands; quite a few girls experienced the pleasure that come from letting Ryan Atwood possess them for a few hours.

Then there was Eddie, Arturo, all of the girls he'd slept with in Chino and in Newport ever since Marissa chose to trust Oliver over him, his mother, his father, Trey, AJ, and so many other people. Ryan couldn't take the memories anymore, so he took a long swig from his vodka bottle, effectively draining it and washing away everything. The vodka didn't knock him out, but it temporarily rescued Ryan from the memories and that was good enough for the moment. Lighting yet another cigarette, Ryan stared into the ocean and was grateful that he'd chosen to sit in the shade of a tree because it was still only 2 pm.

When Seth stepped into the house holding Ryan's book bag, he called for his mother, before realizing that she was obviously at work, as was his father. Picking up the black cordless, Seth quickly dialed his father's cell number, knowing that he would get an answering machine, which he did. When Sandy Cohen was at work, it was almost impossible to reach him.

"You've reached the cell phone of Sandy Cohen, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible." The machine rattled off. "Beep."

"Dad, this is Seth. We've got a bit of an emergency on our hands here; I think Ryan had a bit of a breakdown. I don't know where he went, but, well, you've got to get home right away; it's urgent. Call that guy you know from Chino, Mark something I think... Ask about a Janine Fisher, brought into the morgue two years ago today." Beep. The answering machine cut Seth off.

"Damn it!" He swore. He needed his father right now, and of course, Sandy Cohen couldn't be reached.

"I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems; I've got to open my eyes to everything." –Evanescance (Bring Me To Life)

Sandy Cohen pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and turned it on as he was walking out of a meeting with a client; the woman wanted to sue McDonalds because she'd gained four pounds. People could be insane. The blinking light on the phone indicated that he had new messages, so, dialing his voicemail, he played them.

"Message one of two." The machine said.

"Hey Sandy, this is Jim. I just wondering if you and the wife wanted to meet Caroline and me for dinner next weekend; we haven't seen each other in a while, so call me back." Sand chuckled; sure he'd love to go out for dinner with Jim and Caroline, but Kirsten and Caroline didn't always get along too well.

"Message two of two."

"Dad, this is Seth..." Sandy listened, startled, as his son's frightened voice relayed the news to him through the answering machine. Jesus, he needed to get home and what the hell did Seth mean he didn't know where Ryan had gone?

Sandy, afraid and curious, saved both messages and immediately called Seth at home.

"Hello?"

"Seth, what's going on there?"

"Dad, oh thank God, you got my message. I don't know, but Ryan's gone; I haven't seen him in three hours. He left at about noon and it's three o'clock now."

"You let him leave?"

"I didn't mean to, I was, I guess I was in shock, but I did see that he went down towards the beach. You've got to come home right now."

"I'm on my way Seth; give me fifteen minutes. You can explain everything to me when I get home." Sandy stopped by Rachel's office and poked his head in. She was sitting at her desk.

"Sandy, what's wrong, you're pale as a ghost." She commented.

"I've got a family emergency on my hands; I've got to take the rest of the day off." He didn't even wait to hear her response before hurrying off, towards the employee garage. When he reached the car, Sandy jumped in and as he was starting the engine, he followed Seth's advice and scrolled down the phone book on his cell phone. Finding the name he was looking for, Sandy pressed call and waited for the phone to be answered.

"Chino Morgue, this is Mark."

"Hey Mark, this is Sandy Cohen. I don't have much time, so I'm going to try and keep this short. I'm calling in a favor."

"Oh, hey. Sure Sandy, what do you need?"

"I need a autopsy report on one Janine Fisher. She was brought in exactly two years ago today."

"Interesting request Sandy. I'm technically not supposed to hand these things out, but after what you did for my sister's kid, it'll be no problem. Do you want me to email it to you or read it to you over the phone."

"Both if you can."

"No problem. Just give me two seconds." Sandy waited silently.

"Sandy?"

"I'm here Mark."

"Okay, I just emailed it. Here we go... Oh, this was a sad one. Name was Janine Michelle Fisher. Age 15. Death was a suicide; it was apparently a heroin overdose. There was also suspicious bruising on the body, which is explained as child abuse; her father was hitting her. I don't know how they know who did it, but whatever. She was pronounced dead at the scene; they didn't even bother to take her to the hospital. There's a note saying that a doctor named Chase McNab was on ambulance duty; he reported that a teenage boy and girl were the ones who found her; he was worried about them, but no one ever bothered to follow up on that part. This next part is the worst. She was five months pregnant; it was a baby girl. Um, that's all the important stuff. May I ask why you're interested in this?"

"Do you remember how I told you a few months ago that I brought that kid back with me from Chino and Kirsten and I became his legal guardians?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"Well, we love him like Seth; he's a great kid, amazingly smart, but he's got a few... issues. This afternoon, Seth left me a message saying that Ryan had a breakdown and in the message, he told me to ask you about Janine Fisher. Ryan is tough as nails and he had a breakdown. His own mother walked out of his life as he watched and he didn't shed a tear, but something about this girl caused him to have a breakdown."

"He might have been one of the teenagers who found the dead girl's body; that's the only explanation that I can come up with."

"I'll keep that in mind Mark; thank you."

"Oh shit, we just got two new bodies, car accident. I've got to go Sandy. I hope everything works out for you guys."

"Thanks Mark, bye."

"Bye."

By the time Sandy finished the phone call, he was speeding down the last block towards his home. Pulling into the sloping driveway, Sandy noticed Seth sitting on the front steps, a black book bag in hand. Shutting off the engine, Sandy clambered out of the Beamer and quickly approached his son.

As Sandy can near, his son stood up and handed him a piece of paper and four pictures. Sandy took the objects from Seth and glanced at them. The first picture was of three small children perhaps seven years old and they were standing, smiling their arms around each other's shoulders. There were two girls and one boy. Though the bright smile nearly deceived him, but Sandy recognized the young boy by his sandy blond hair and amazingly bright blue eyes; it was Ryan. He'd been a small, happy looking kid, though Sandy couldn't help but notice the fading black eye and the hand-shaped bruises around both his wrists. Glancing at the next picture, Sandy realized that at least eight years had passed between the two pictures; the second picture was of the same three kids, but this time, instead of all of them having their arms around each other, they were in very different positions. The black haired girl was standing, happily smiling and rolling her eyes at Ryan and the brown haired girl. Ryan was standing behind the brown haired girl, his head on her shoulder, nuzzling her neck, and his hands very, very low around her waist; she was smiling broadly and had her hands closed over hers. Flipping to the next picture, Sandy noticed the difference immediately; there were only two people, Ryan and the black haired girl. They weren't smiling, in fact, while the girl looked as if she'd been crying, Ryan looked drunk. Putting the final picture on top, Sandy was greeted with at least 20 faces, of which he recognized only three: Ryan, his brother Trey, and the black haired girl. Many of the people in the picture were holding cigarettes or in Ryan's case, a joint and many of them had beer cans in their grasp; Sandy was sure that there was no one over the age of 19 in the picture. Sandy, having done plenty of pot smoking and drinking in his own youth, wasn't shocked, but it was the look on Ryan's face that surprised him. His smile was more of a smirk and even that didn't reach his eyes; he looked too old to be only 16 or so. After he'd finished looking at the pictures, Sandy handed them back to Seth and unfolded the piece of paper; it was a note.

Ry,

The first thing I'm going to say is I'm sorry. I know that you hate me now, but I still love you and I always will. This is a goodbye letter; I'm not going to call it a suicide note because that makes it seem so much more real. I'm going to admit a few things in this letter that before now, I haven't been able to admit. First off, this is not at all your fault; I know that you carry the weight of the entire fucking world on your shoulders and blame yourself for everything, but this isn't your fault. (I know that if somehow you forgive me for being a slut, you'll blame yourself). My choice to end my own life was brought on by the fact that physically is not the only way my father was abusing me; every couple of nights, he would be drunk and he would come into my room and touch me; I just can't take it anymore, so I'm going to make it stop. I know that you think I'm a slut now, but I just wanted to tell you that I tried every time to make him stop, but I never could. I didn't tell you because my father made me realize that you would think I was a slut if you found out and also because you have enough to worry about with Trey in juvie again; no one is there to keep your mom and AJ from doing anything they want to you. The second thing I'm going to admit is that I'm five months pregnant; it's a girl. Obviously she's yours because I haven't made love to anyone else; I named her Victoria, Tory for short, and the part I regret the most about all of this is that she'd never going to get a chance to live. Now, all I have left to do is thank you and Theresa for always being there when no one else was; your friendship and formerly your love was all that kept me alive for this long, but you don't have to be weighed down by me anymore. I'm a horrible person for doing this, but I must have always been horrible because not even my own father could love me. I'm going to go now, so this is my last goodbye. I love both you and Theresa more than words can say.

Love always,

Janine and Tory

Sandy was horrified. Not only was Ryan most likely one of the kids who'd found this Janine's body, he was the father of the dead baby. Folding the note and handing it back to Seth, he watched as his son put both the pictures and the paper back inside a battered green notebook.

"What's that?" He asked, naturally curious.

"A journal." Seth responded.

"Where'd you get it?"

"I found all of this in the book bag; it was under his bed."

"You looked through Ryan's things?"

"I had to." Seth answered honestly, handing his father the book bag.

"This is Ryan's private property; we shouldn't be looking though his things." Sandy said even as he sorted through the contents of the black bag. Like Seth, Sandy was not horribly surprised by all of the contents of the bag, like the condoms and the cigarettes. Even though Ryan had supposedly quit smoking, Sandy knew that he hadn't; Ryan hid it very well, but nicotine had a very distinct smell when a person's clothes had been exposed to cigarette after cigarette. The condoms surprised Sandy nearly less than the cigarettes; he'd known after that time Kirsten had walked in on Ryan and Marissa that the boy was experienced beyond his years, in many ways. Once the two had broken up, Sandy hadn't exactly expected Ryan to remain alone for long. What did affect Sandy though, were the clothes, the money, and the journal. The boy was obviously still uncomfortable with the thought of having a family that wouldn't throw him out if he did something wrong; he was ready to run.

"Did you read what was inside the notebook?" Sandy asked his son as he zipped the bag shut. Seth shook his head.

"No, all I was looking for was the note."

"Good, now go and put this back exactly where you found it; don't tell him that you found it. We need him to trust us completely if we're going to be able to help him through this. He'll show us when he's ready to show us."

Seth hurried off into the pool house, knowing that what his father had said was the right thing to do. Trust was the most important thing right now.

When Seth was out of sight, Sandy quickly set off for the beach to look for Ryan. The boy didn't need to be alone right now; he shouldn't have had to keep this terrible secret from the family who loved him.

A/N How did you like it? Please R/R!!! I'm aware of the fact that this chapter may be a little bit confusing; I couldn't seem to organize my thoughts, so I just wrote it all down. At first, Janine's note made it seem that the suicide was Ryan's fault, so I had to change it because that's not at all what I wanted. If you were confused as to why Janine killed herself, here is a simpler explanation. Her father had been physically and sexually abusing her and he got her to keep it a secret by convincing her that if Ryan and Theresa found out, they would hate her and think she was a slut. In the end, she couldn't take it anymore because not only did she think that Ryan, whom she loved, hated her, she felt that she must truly be a horrible person because even her own father couldn't love her. She didn't wasn't to risk Ryan and Theresa finding out about how her father sexually abused her because then they, the only people whom she felt cared about her, would hate her. This story is becoming more and more angsty and it's started to write itself, but I think that once Ryan talks to Sandy and gets help from either the Cohens or someone else, things will start to look up.