Author's Note: This is may be the last chapter of this story, and I know, I know it leaves a lot unanswered, but there is apart III have. If anything that's more talk, this one's more feeling. Anyways, feedback is unbelievable love, like please gimme some. Anyways here you go.
They sat on the hotel roof, it was only 3 stories high, but the sunrise peaked above the small white stuccoed building of the strip mall, and food chains. It was barely filtering along the palm trees that were lined up in the dry grass along the highway. They sat a few inches apart, but they had never been so close. Marissa, still wearing the same white dress that still clung to her, damp from the water. Her hair now curled under, was drying, her feet pushed up freely against the pebbles that lined the entire rooftop. Her hands fell casually gracing the ground, pushing into the surface, and her bony arms still looked gaunt. But everything about her couldn't look any more different. Her eyes reflected in the pink sun, but something in them was awake. Something in them was faintly starting to sparkle again, something very deep. It lit the rims, giving a sparkle of promise in her eyes, a sparkle of hope. Ryan sat next to her.
"We've never done this before have we?" He said, smiling slightly.
She couldn't tell for a minute if he was talking about watching the sunrise, or what had just happened with them earlier…For a panicked minute she looked at him slightly horrified, for any sign of regret. All she saw was goofy grain, and eyes that were only looking at her. No one had looked at her like that in a very long time. She had only gotten looks of lust, of want, greed, desire, dazed looks, and looks that went right through her. She had almost forgotten until tonight, this morning, what those kind of looks looked like. She had forgotten anything like them had really existed.
"I guess not." She teased. Giving him the slightest bit of a toothy smile back. The pink light reflecting over their skin, and the morning chill was just enough to appreciate it, after living so long in the smothering heat. The air was light, and the sky was pink. The roads were wet, and they sat settling in whatever paradise they had just found's majesty.
The days they had spent together had been a blur, she couldn't really begin to tell where this began and where it ended. How she had gone from dying slowly in the dust, to sitting in white next to the first boy she had ever loved. She swallowed it hard in her throat. Marissa had learned not to get her hopes up, her outside skin was still as thick as the years had made her, but inside she was still screaming. Still hoping. She didn't know what this meant. She didn't want to think about it. At this moment all she wanted to do was sit with the only presence that calmed her. The only thing that felt real
"Why did you leave?" It came kind of faintly, almost raspy from his voice.
"I don't think you have any idea. Your Mom, Summer, Seth….Me."
He looked up now. Directly at her. Everything was so raw again.
Swallowing in she remembered. The last 3 years. She remembered leaving in the night. She had remembered the hopeless desolate feeling. She remembered the endless binges. She remembered her life 3 days ago.
"I…I didn't…." Knowing there was no way to describe everything, to tell him everything in that moment. The small tears clung to her eyelashes, and she felt him grab her. Everything so familiar. Comfort, was more affective than any drug she had ever had. Any meaningless back alley exchange. This feeling she had now couldn't transfer into any 90 minute high, or 2 day binge. She cried. She cried and cried and cried. She realized she couldn't hide, or run, or try to cover up. She was lost and vulnerable and so broken. She had been smothered, and tossed around. All she had become now was a rag doll, with something in her eyes that people recognized as different. They sat like that for awhile. He didn't say anything. He didn't try to make her explain. He didn't try to understand. Until the sun came up fully, she knew she had to tell him. For every tear that she cried, for every look he gave, it was the least she could do.
An old Stereophonics song played on the radio of the rental car, the windows open and her hair flying everywhere. She had bought a pair of cheap sunglasses in the motel gift shop, and wore one of Ryan's t-shirts and a large pair of basketball shorts that slung low. She sang along to the song on the radio, one she remembered from years ago.
Drinking by drinking for two
Drinking with you
When drinking was new
He was watching her lip-sync the words, and just watching her made him smile. Catching him looking at her she managed an embarrassed giggle. "Stop looking at me!" She teased over the sound of the blasting stereo and open sunroof.
"I can't help it." It was playful and light. It was everything they needed
They pulled over 30 miles south, pulling into an empty 7-Eleven. They had spent the entire afternoon just driving in the drenching sunlight. From deep into Southern California's Suburban Wasteland to the outer deserts. Marissa felt like something was almost trying to wash her out, squeeze whatever had saturated her for so long. They had spent the afternoon saying little to nothing, ignoring everything heavy, and now as the purple sky closed in she felt it again. It was real, and she knew it wasn't just a fluke. She wanted to touch him again, she wanted to laugh with him, she wanted the sun to stay up, and she wanted to tell him to stay. He turned the car off and didn't look at her at first. They were alone except for one other car full of teenage kids, buying slurpies and fun dip.
"Should I start? Cause I guess I will, I'll be gone in a couple of days Ryan…"
It was so quiet. With nothing but the sound of the kids laughing in the backseat of a dusty pickup truck. The night was creeping along the desert outlines and the fluorescent lights were clicking on. She was terrified.
"Ryan….okay? I get it you don't even have to say anything." Hardening she looked around. She felt completely empty. All this was a blast from the past. A little piece of something that was destined to go down as a memory for her next dark binge.
It was so quiet. Colors crept across their faces.
She didn't want to look at him, but she found herself looking anyways. He was looking the other way, into whatever colors of purple that where starting to come across the edge of the desert.
Something filled her up when she saw his reactions. Something completely. He was crying. But not in an open way. Nothing was coming down his face, or anything but it was more than that, something about him was completely more heartbreaking than that.
"Marissa..."
She couldn't talk really but she tried to. She didn't even remember words forming.
"I lost you once, I can't loose you again." He took her hand and she knew he wasn't letting go. In the desert the night started to creep again, but it was beautiful, not scary. The sticky stars and navy blue colored in-between. He held her against him and she knew. She knew then it was permanent.