Notes: I believe this is three chapters in the past week, which has GOT to be a record for me on this story! For those still trying to figure out what's going on, if you really want to know, I suggest checking out the reviews for this story, as several people have basically figured it out. Also, for those who were (correctly) sceptical about Sam's decision in the last chapter, I hope to adequately explain it later. I'm going to be skipping huge gaps in Sam's pregnancy here for many reasons. First, this is supposed to be mostly funny, so it's not going to turn into a detailed, graphic account of a difficult pregnancy or anything disturbing like that. Plus, that would just make it very long and not very interesting. The 'baby bean' line is for my sister, who for some reason has called all of my children 'baby beans' when they were infants. But she's weird like that;). As always, thanks for reading, reviewing, and continued patience!

Ch 21: Baby Talk

Jack wasn't surprised that Sam immediately began devouring every book Thor left for them. She didn't know a lot about pregnancy, but a lot of it was science. Even if it wasn't her field of expertise, as long as it was remotely science-y, he knew she would dive into it and not come up for air until she was an expert on the subject. And they had plenty of free time at the cabin. He wondered if she'd be this obsessed if they were at the SGC and her time was divided between the pregnancy and other projects. Yeah, probably. It was Carter, after all.

Not that he wasn't obsessed as well, but he had a very specific limit of reading he could do at once. He could only read words like "neural tube" and "blastocyst" for a little while before encountering the urge to hurl the book across the room. It just took the magic of it all away, for him. Plus some of it was just... unsettling.

So, as usual, he mostly left the science to her. He asked her questions about what she was reading, and was reading the important stuff himself as well, but at a normal, human pace. Unlike some other people he knew and loved.

"Sam, lunch."

"Almost done with this chapter," she called absently.

He sighed and took their plates into the living room, sitting down much too close and waving the plate under her nose. She glared at him. Mood swings. Fun for the whole family.

He kept that comment to himself, having learnt his lesson the first time. On the plus side, the bruise on his arm was fading nicely.

"Come on, you have to eat. You're eating for two now, remember," he tried.

"I'm not really eating for two. It's more like 1.00000358."

"Tell me that is not an exact number," he said in disbelief.

She set the book down finally and looked at him. "Well, it's an approximation, of course, but the baby isn't even quite the size of a bean yet. And I'm not exactly keeping much down anyway."

"I know, that's why you have to try to eat. The book said small meals." He grinned and waved the plate around again. She sighed and picked up the sandwich.

"And here I was thinking you were just looking at the pictures of breasts," she teased.

"They're all just drawings," he grumbled, biting into his own sandwich. He watched her pick at the sandwich and said, "The baby bean doesn't like turkey?"

Sam smiled and started to answer, then suddenly shoved her plate at him and ran off towards the bathroom. "Well, I guess that answers that," he said to the empty room, sighing heavily.

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"Teal'c, I really think Hammond is seriously considering Thor's request. It looks like he's been getting Janet in on it and what if they're going to try to get Jack and Sam..."

"Daniel Jackson, stop speculating. You must be patient. I am trying to watch. The snake scene is coming up next."

"Yeah, I'd hate to miss that," Daniel grumbled.

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"Hey, good morning."

Sam jumped slightly, thinking he was still asleep. She turned on her back so she could see him and said, "Morning. How long have you been awake?"

"Just a little while. You know, you're not eating for two, but you are sleeping for two now," Jack said happily, leaning over her without putting any weight on her stomach or chest. She still had no idea how he did that. He pecked her on the mouth and added, "Or you're finally sleeping for one, at any rate."

She laughed and started to retort but before she had a chance he shifted, slid her shirt up over her stomach, and said, "Good morning, little Homer."

Sam snorted and said, "Oh, there's not a chance in hell."

"Well of course not, dear," he said sweetly. "If it's a girl we'll have to call her Marge."

She stared at him in pure shock and he started laughing. Realizing he had been joking, she rolled her eyes and hit him on the shoulder, moving to get up to go brush her teeth.

"Wait, you're not going to throw up are you?"

"No. Not yet anyway."

"Then stay here." He pulled the covers back up around her snugly, as if they would keep her there. "One of those books said for morning sickness you should stay in bed twenty minutes after you wake up. At first I thought it was a conspiracy to get men to bring their wives breakfast in bed, but the book was written by a man. So maybe not."

"Lovely. But it's not like my 'morning' sickness is confined to the mornings, so I doubt this will help."

"Well let's just try it."

"But I need to go to the bathroom," she objected.

"You can't wait twenty minutes?"

"There's a baby pressing into my bladder, Jack!"

"You said little Bart or Lisa was only the size of a bean," he reminded her.

"No."

"Come on... Lisa's a good name. And she's a genius! Didn't you see the one where she gets into Mensa?"

"Jack. You are not naming our child after a yellow animated character."

They were both trying not to laugh. Jack was doing a much better job of it than Sam was.

He waited for several seconds and asked quietly, "Not even Maggie?"

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Sam set her book down and glanced down the other end of the couch when she couldn't find the book she wanted next. Jack was reading it. What's more, he had a book stretched out on his stomach and three more stacked next to him on the ground. Talk about a role reversal.

"Hey, Jack?"

He was too engrossed in whatever he was reading to respond, so she reached under the blanket covering their entwined legs and squeezed his big toe. He yelped and looked over at her. "Want something?"

"That book."

"I'm almost done. Look at this one," he said, offering the one that was on his stomach.

Sam frowned at the title. "I've already read that one. That one in your hand is the last one left."

"Okay, okay, I'm almost done."

Realizing she was overreacting and should probably just be glad he was so interested in the books all of a sudden, she settled back into the cushions, figuring she'd doze off if she lay there for a few minutes. Despite what Jack might think, she was really trying to control her mood swings.

At least the unpleasant ones. Suddenly overcome with the urge to cuddle, she scrambled to the other end of the couch and settled half on top of Jack, who held the book aside with one hand while he made adjustments to the blanket and their position to get her more settled and comfortable.

"This isn't some technique to distract me, snatch up this book, and run away with it, is it?" he asked lightly.

"Maybe I just like you," Sam commented, smiling at him.

He looked at her suspiciously, which hurt her feelings for a moment before she remembered yelling at him that morning about the mangled toothpaste tube, figuring he had earned the right to be a bit cautious. Yes, she had realized later that she was the one mangling it, but that wasn't really her fault. She had to brush her teeth about twenty times a day from throwing up so much.

Jack had to know she was responsible for the state of the toothpaste, but he hadn't argued about it, he'd just asked if they needed more.

Jack frowned as his neck started getting wet. "Are you crying? What's wrong?"

"It's that damn toothpaste!" Sam wailed.

Ooo-kay, Jack thought, letting the book slip between his side and the back of the couch. This one would definitely require both arms.

"I hate being this girly all of a sudden," Sam sniffled.

"I know you do. But I happen to like the fact that you're a girl. Otherwise I'd be gay, and you know how the Air Force feels about that," he said calmly, brushing her hair back away from her face.

She laughed, pressed her face into his shirt, and let out one more sob, then another laugh. "You are so weird."

"At least I'm not crying about toothpaste," he countered. She didn't bother to look up to see the happy smirk she knew was on his face.

"I love you," she said with a yawn, slipping her arm down around his waist and closing her eyes.

He squeezed her shoulder, kissed her head, and picked the book back up, trying to find his place with one hand. Preferably without dropping the book on his wife's head.

Sam woke up needing to pee very badly. She got up so quickly she alarmed Jack. "Want me to hold your hair?" he called. He had to ask now, because sometimes she threw things at him if he followed her to the toilet, and sometimes she cried if he didn't come.

"No thanks, I'm not throwing up!" she called back.

He settled back into the couch, hoping she came back to sleep some more, as she'd only dozed off for about fifteen minutes.

Sam came back into the living room and glanced at the book Jack was reading. She rolled her eyes, then asked, "Is that what you've been doing all day? Reading the parts about sex in every book?"

He looked slightly guilty for a second, then smirked and said, "Hey, I thought we were both sticking to our own areas of expertise."

"Yeahsureyoubetcha," Sam replied, suddenly going green.

"Want me to..."

She nodded and bolted for the bathroom again, Jack following.

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, which was really not a very comfortable place to sit, Jack watched her brush her teeth. He knew she was miserable; she was throwing up a lot more than normal, and he could tell she'd already lost a few pounds. But he was miserable too, because there wasn't anything he could do. They'd read all the books, and nothing they recommended had worked; Sam continued to be sick all day long and well into the night sometimes.

Thor assured them that the baby was fine and Sam wasn't in danger of becoming dehydrated or anything, as long as she continued to drink plenty of water and take all the vitamins she needed. The books agreed with Thor, claiming that it was okay to lose weight in the first trimester. The baby would get what it needed from Sam, even if she threw up most of what she ate. But Jack still hated it.

"Maybe it's twins," he offered.

She looked at him quickly, alarmed. It might have been a serious face, but her toothbrush sticking out the side of her mouth made the whole thing rather comical.

He smiled and explained, "I just thought I read in one of those books that the er... symptoms tend to be more severe with twins."

"What, did they throw that in with the chapter about oral sex?"

"I read other chapters too!" he said defensively. He shifted his focus to her stomach and said, "Don't listen to your mom, Luke and Leia."

She spit out her toothpaste, rinsed her mouth, and said, "Never in a million years, Jack."

"You love 'Star Wars.' And you KNOW Teal'c would love it."

"Then let him get a couple of hamsters or goldfish and he can name them Luke and Leia or Obi Wan Kenobi or C3PO and R2D2 for all I care. And besides, the books also say that first-time pregnancies can be more intense."

"Good, so next time it'll be easier," he said, patting her on the shoulder encouragingly before heading out the bathroom before she could throw something at him.

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"Jack, Thor sent the new groceries... and a book of baby names!"

"We don't need a book to come up with a name for our baby!"

"Judging by the names you've suggested so far, we do," Sam countered, unfolding the chair she had brought out to the dock with her and sitting down.

Jack, who was fishing, looked over at her. "Are you cold?"

"No, I'm fine. Okay, well so far you've suggested everyone from 'The Simpsons,' as well as 'Dorothy,' 'Luke and Leia,' 'Mulder and Scully,' 'Mary-Kate and Ashley' and 'James T. Kirk.'"

"Well, okay, let's hear your ideas then."

"What about Jack?"

"That's MY name."

"I know."

"But... wouldn't that get confusing?"

"It's a good name."

"It's MY name. How are we gonna know which one you're yelling at?"

"Well, sweetheart, that will always be you. I wouldn't yell at the baby."

"Okay, that's a good point. But what about OTHER people? Come on, we can't call him Jack."

"Jonathan, then?"

"Bit long. Look, MAYBE as a middle name, but I kind of think naming your kid after yourself is a little... unoriginal."

"All right," she grumbled.

"But we could name him after someone else we love... Danny maybe. But we can't call him Danny without putting Teal'c in there too, and Hammond might have a problem with that..."

"Yeah."

"What about Jacob?"

"Trying to get on my dad's good side?" Sam asked, smiling brightly.

"I'm already on Dad's good side! He loves me!"

"He did love you. Before you disappeared with his one and only daughter and secretly married and impregnated her."

"It wasn't my idea!" he said defensively. "Well, the marrying part was. Okay, so now we HAVE to name him Jacob."

"What if it's a girl."

"Jacobina?"

"That's not a word, Jack. Jacklyn?"

"Very funny. Georgette? Georgia?"

Sam giggled and said, "Danielle?"

"Teal'c-o-lette?"

"Yeah, that wouldn't have any lasting psychological effects."

"Carter?"

"What?"

"No. As a name. Boy or girl. It works."

"You didn't want him named after you, I feel the same way."

"Carter O'Neill then. At the end," he offered.

"Non-hyphenated," she stipulated.

"Deal."

"That part was easy."

"Yeah, now we just need the first half."

"Good thing we've got a while to figure this part out."

"Yeah... are you still opposed to 'Homer?'" he asked hopefully.

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Janet knocked on General Hammond's open door.

"Come in, Dr. Fraiser. How's everything going?"

"All right, sir, I've got everything on its way from the Air Force Academy hospital. Sam can have the baby here, in one of the isolation rooms. But I'm a bit concerned... I haven't delivered a baby in several years, sir, not since my residency."

"I have every confidence in you, Doctor, and I think Major Carter would be more comfortable with you, assuming there are no complications. However, I will have specialists on call. I'll have to see who has clearance. If you have time, I was hoping you and Cassie could get some clothes for Major Carter. Thor said she loved the dress you picked out, and she doesn't need maternity clothes yet, but we don't have much time to get all of this done, so I'd like you to go pick out some things ASAP."

"Of course, sir. We'll go tomorrow morning, bright and early. Is that... fast enough?"

Hammond thought for a minute and said, "It should be. Don't forget it will be very cold at the cabin by then."

"Oh, that's right. Thanks for reminding me, sir. Also, I was wondering if you have any objections to me ordering some personal items for after the baby is born? Not on the SGC's dime of course, sir, but from the base computer. And since I'm still on duty and it's technically not work-related, I wanted to clear it with you, sir. I just figured they won't exactly have time for a baby shower or time for a lot of shopping and there are some things they'll need right away."

"Go ahead. But don't get them everything. I DO want to have a shower here, after the baby is born. But I thought we'd save that for Teal'c and Dr. Jackson to arrange. I feel bad about keeping them out of the loop but I think it's best. Knowing them they'd insist on us bringing them back now. Or they'd insist on being dropped off at the cabin. And from Thor's reports so far, I think sticking two other men with Major Carter right now would just be cruel. To all four of them."

Janet laughed and said, "Yes, sir."

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"Hey, Sam, guess what?" Jack asked, practically bouncing into the living room. It had been a very long process, but they were now about fifteen weeks into their pregnancy, and Sam was finally getting over the morning sickness, and was starting to gain back some of the weight she had lost.

They both felt much better now, much less worried. According to Thor, she had lost nearly ten pounds from being so nauseous, but the baby was developing exactly on schedule, and she had already gained one and a half of those lost pounds back.

"What, Jack?" Sam asked.

Jack froze as he entered the kitchen. "What are you eating?"

"Cheetos and peanut butter," she replied, as though that was a perfectly acceptable combination. "Want to try it, it's good."

"No thanks, I'll pass," he said, wincing as he remembered the time he'd actually taken her up on that offer. Peanut butter and banana. Both extremely good for Sam. Not so good for Jack.

"What did you want to tell me?" she prompted.

"Oh yeah. Did you know the baby's lost its tail and is starting to grow some eyes and ears."

She smiled in amusement and teased nonchalantly, "Hopefully two of each. Eyes in the front, ears on each side. Maybe if we're lucky we'll get a nose and a mouth too."

"It's so weird."

"You're calling our child weird."

"Well... I mean it doesn't even look like a human yet or anything, and it already has a brain and it's already... our kid. But it probably looks more like Thor right now than either of us."

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "At this point I don't think it even looks like Thor."

He laughed and suddenly directed his attention to her stomach. "Hey, Lucy and/or Ricky. Listen up, kid. As long as you're busy growing eyes... try to make them look like your mom's, okay?"

He stood up straight and was shocked at the look on Sam's face. He'd seen it before, but it had been a really long time. Way back before the constant fatigue and puking had started. She launched herself at him, taking him completely by surprise, arms and legs wrapped around him. By the time he turned around and set her on the counter, she was devouring his mouth.

He grinned, really, really hoping this meant she was going to be one of those cases he had read about, where the sex drive got a big huge boost in the second trimester. The books had also talked about women whose drives got reduced to practically zero, for the whole nine months! Those parts had scared him and made him sad. He had skipped those parts, willing Sam to be one of the other ones. And apparently she was. He wasn't even going to complain about the strange taste of Cheetos and peanut butter.