Notes: Wow, I definitely got more reviews on that last chapter than I had ever expected to get on this entire story when I first began writing it. Thanks, everyone, but especially new reader/reviewer Earthdragonette -- Thank you so much!

Kiwi, I'm sorry this wasn't out in time for you to print off and take to detention, but you have no idea how much that concept made me laugh. As a teacher myself, there is something more than a little bit amusing and disturbing (in a very good way) about the fact that I am helping people make it through detention sessions!

Claire: I'm terribly sorry to burst your bubble, but I was most definitely in labor with my first two children for well over twelve hours and nobody insisted on a C-section with me. I know many other women who were in labor as long or longer than Sam, although I believe the record is a friend of mine who hit the 41 hour mark. I'm thinking that perhaps you're thinking about Stage 2. Sam's still in Stage 1 at the end of that last chapter.

Lastly, the biggest thank you in the world to my sister. She knows why;).

Last time...

The man who had just walked in the door stared in shock at the sight before him for several long moments. Finally, he demanded, "Jack O'Neill, get the hell off my daughter!"

Ch 27: 'Splainin' to Do!

Jack sat up straight, eyes going wide. Sam looked over his shoulder and exclaimed, "Dad!"

"Dad?" Jack winced at her, turning around slowly.

Jacob Carter was staring at them both like he was about to start kicking serious ass. When Jack turned, however, Jacob got his second major shock of the day, because when Jack shifted on the bed, Jacob saw that his daughter was very, very pregnant.

"What in the hell is going on!" he demanded. "Samantha Carter! You have got a lot of explaining to do here, young lady!"

"Listen, Jacob..." Jack started, realizing this must be an insane thing to try to take in all at once. From the looks of things, he surmised that Jacob had not been informed of the Asgard proposal, or anything else for that matter. He wondered why Hammond hadn't intercepted him before Jacob could make it to the infirmary.

"Shut up, Jack, I'll get to you in a minute..."

Suddenly Jack got angry, very angry, at the look that Jacob Carter was directing at his daughter.

"Actually, you'll get to me now," Jack said loudly, getting to his feet and crossing his arms.

"Stay out of this, O'Neill, I'm talking to my daughter." Jacob's voice was so low and even that it was even scarier than if he had been yelling and throwing things. Which, Jack realized, would probably come after he said what he was about to say. Even knowing that, he still said it anyway.

"You're also talking to my wife."

With that statement, Jack solved the mystery of where exactly Sam had learned how to swear so creatively. He winced as Jacob carried on for a few moments. Sam was yelling at him to shut up and listen, and Jack could hear from the monitor how fast her heart rate was increasing.

Well, that settled it. He had never been known for his brains, but admitted to himself that what he was about to do was dumb, even for him. Advancing on Jacob, Jack said firmly, "You need to get out of here, Jacob. Now. In case you haven't noticed, Sam's been in labor for over ten hours already, so unless..."

"Oh I noticed!" Jacob yelled. "I also noticed you seem to have an awful lot to do with it!"

"Yeah, and you haven't bothered to listen to the situation or tell her congrat..."

"JACK!" Sam screamed, grabbing the sheets because he was too far away to reach.

He looked over at her quickly and turned back to Jacob. "Go talk to Hammond, he'll fill you in," Jack ordered, moving with a dexterity he hadn't used in over a year but was glad to see was still there. He quickly pinned Jacob's arms to insure his own safety and frogmarched his father-in-law out the door.

"Now listen to me, Jack, you can't just..."

"Too bad, I just did," Jack said, peering down the hall in the direction of the infirmary. "DOC, GET DOWN HERE!" he barked loudly, before glaring at Jacob again and then slamming the door in his face.

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The gate technician, Walter, hurried up the staircase and ran into Hammond's office, despite the fact that he was on the red phone. "General, sir..."

"I'm on the phone with the President, son, you know not to interrupt me at a time like this!" Hammond barked.

"Yes, sir, I know, but Jacob Carter just arrived, was informed that his daughter's in the infirmary, and ran off before I could explain or tell him to come see you."

"I'll have to call you back, Mr. President," Hammond said quickly, hanging up the phone without waiting for an answer.

"GEORGE!" Jacob bellowed down the hall, right on cue.

Hammond tossed the communication device to Walter and said, "Go call Thor, I want him to help explain this."

"Yes, sir," Walter said, hurrying out of the General's office through the briefing room so that he could avoid Jacob Carter. Jacob Carter on his best day was an intimidating man. Walter hated to think of him in his current state.

"Jacob, I can only guess what you must have found when you went looking for Sam..." Hammond started as Jacob hurried into the office and slammed the door shut behind him so hard that the name plate on the outside fell off.

"What I FOUND after I was told that the Tok'ra had FOUR urgent messages for me to contact the SGC and rushed back here and was told that my daughter was in an isolation room in the infirmary was HER SHITHEAD CO STUCK TO HER FACE!"

"I know, Jacob, but if you could just listen for a minute..."

"THEN HE GETS OUT OF THE WAY ALLOWING ME TO SEE THAT MY LITTLE GIRL IS PREGNANT, CALLS HER HIS WIFE, AND WITHOUT EXPLAINING ANYTHING THE BASTARD THROWS ME OUT OF THE ROOM!"

Hammond couldn't help but be a little more impressed by Jack O'Neill than he already was upon hearing that. He knew the man was brave, but damn.

"Any chance I could talk to Selmak for a little while?" George tried hopefully.

"Oh, he's trying to take over but I want to know why you have NO problem hearing that YOUR 2IC IS OBVIOUSLY FRATERNIZING WITH MY DAUGHTER!" Jacob bellowed.

Well, George thought. If there was anybody left on the base who hadn't heard about the 'situation' in Iso Room 3, they certainly knew now.

Thor beamed himself into the office next to General Hammond. This did distract Jacob long enough for George to say, "We'll tell you everything, Jacob, but you're going to want to sit down. And before you finish figuring out how you're going to kill Jack O'Neill, I should start off by saying this is technically my fault."

"Actually it is mine," Thor said firmly.

Jacob looked back and forth between them and wearily lowered himself into a chair, internally promising Selmak he would listen without hurting anybody. Yet.

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"...so, to sum it all up, they were completely alone together for over a year, and for most of that, Sam was pregnant. If they haven't killed each other by now after all that, I'd say you have two choices, Jake: you can go welcome your new son-in-law into the family, and later today your new grandchild. Or you can say goodbye to all of them, because I guarantee you, if you try to make your daughter choose, you won't be happy with the result." Hammond finished.

Jacob sighed. "George, of course I'm not going to try to make her choose anything. It's just... a lot to take in all of a sudden."

"I tried to contact you sooner so you could be better prepared," Hammond reminded him.

"Yeah. Well," Jacob replied vaguely.

Once everything had been explained, Thor returned to his ship, feeling that Jacob would want to be alone with his friend for a while. Hammond went about his business as usual, knowing Jacob well enough to know he just needed some time so sit, think, and adjust to the new situation. After a while, Hammond casually said, "Jack really threw you out of the room?"

"Yeah," Jacob confirmed.

"You gotta kind of admire that."

"Yeah," Jacob admitted reluctantly.

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"He's always so willing to jump to the worst possible conclusion he can possibly dream up that he..." Sam was ranting.

"He's just being your dad," Jack said with an unconcerned shrug. He knew once Jacob calmed down and heard an explanation everything would be... well, sort of okay. Although he had always got on very well with Jacob and had even referred to him as a brother, that certainly didn't mean he expected Carter Senior to be thrilled with having him for a son-in-law. Actually, it was probably made worse by the fact that they'd got on so well in the past.

Jacob would probably see it as a betrayal of trust between the two men... after all, one of the last people you'd want going after your daughter was your brother. Jack made a face as the twisted relationship occurred to him and quickly shook his head. He had known Sam first. By the time he'd met Jacob he'd already been pretty attached to her, as a matter of fact.

"Don't bother trying to defend him, he's always been like this," Sam was saying.

"But you love him anyway," Jack countered. Based on the look he got in response to that, he was getting dangerously close to having both Carters mad at him, and nobody wanted that. Especially Jack O'Neill.

Apparently Janet sensed the need for a diversion as well because she quickly said, "Let's just see how you're doing again, Sam. Your heart rate is back down to normal and the baby's is perfect. Sir, why don't you grab some orange juice. It's over there on that tray I brought back with me."

Jack did as instructed. You just didn't argue with Dr. Fraiser when she used that tone of voice. Even Hammond and Teal'c didn't have the guts to do it. The only person he'd ever seen even try it was Sam, once, when she'd been zapped in the hand by the entity that fried the gateroom and ultimately tried to take up permanent residence inside his wife.

Well, that's not something I want to be thinking about right now, Jack thought grimly as he grabbed the bottle of orange juice and the straw next to it.

"You're doing just fine, Sam. I know this seems to be taking forever but everything is going perfectly, if a little bit on the slow side."

Jack smiled at the doctor. She could be nice and soothing when she chose to be.

"And on another subject entirely, Sam, how in the hell is it that your legs are smoother than mine?" Janet asked lightly, clearly still trying to ease the earlier tension.

Jack averted his eyes from both women and started fiddling with the monitor. When Sam's initial response to the innocent question was to turn slightly pink and glance at Jack, Janet didn't need the explanation that followed, but Sam gave it to her anyway. "Um, Jack did it. Last night, before dinner."

'We never got around to eating dinner' was on the tip of Jack's tongue but a slight widening and sharpening of Sam's eyes warned him not to say it.

Janet, still trying to put them both at ease, said, "Well, judging by the way I've seen you attack your own face after a few days here in the infirmary, it looks like your skills have improved, sir."

"Thanks, doc." He winked at Sam and added, "And that was just my first time. Well, not counting a little misguided hazing as a young, innocent cadet, but we won't go into that. Imagine how much more my skills could improve with a little practice."

"Jack!" Sam was clearly embarrassed that her husband and a woman who was for all intents and purposes the sister she had always wanted were still having a conversation about her legs.

"What, Sam?" Jack asked with an unconcerned shrug. "Doc doesn't care. It's okay, you know, I'm your husband now."

For some reason that Jack was sure made perfect sense in her own head, Sam burst into tears and threw her arms around him.

"Wh... what just happened?" he asked, cupping the back of her head in one hand and rubbing her back with the other. He looked to Fraiser for an explanation, but she gave him a look that said she was just as confused as he was.

"Sam, sweetie are you okay?" Janet asked.

"Yes, I'm fine, it's just..." Sam leaned back against the propped up bed and wiped her face quickly, giving them both an embarrassed/apologetic smile. "I don't know if I can explain this but it just... when you said that it was like... I mean most people would say 'you're my wife,' not 'I'm your husband...' I know they're both true and they basically mean the same thing and I probably sound crazy right now but I'm just so tired..."

"It's okay," Jack said quickly, alarmed at the way her heart monitor was beeping faster and faster.

"Sam you need to calm down," Janet said firmly. "Just breathe and try to relax."

Jack felt her nod against his shoulder but she tightened her arms around him even more, so he didn't let go of her even though he was concerned he might be putting pressure on her abdomen. When he finally did start to pull away, he said quietly, "Don't want to squash baby Homer."

Janet's eyes widened. Surely they weren't going to name their child 'Homer.' "Guys, it's not really any of my business but..."

"He's just joking," Sam said firmly, wiping her eyes again. She was smiling now.

Janet marvelled, not for the first time, at Colonel O'Neill's ability to calm other people down. It wasn't just Sam; she had seen him do the same thing with Daniel, Teal'c, and her own daughter, and never figured out exactly how he did it. It always seemed so innocuous that she never noticed he was doing anything at all until well after he had succeeded.

Jack, Sam, and Janet all jumped in surprise as the door to the Isolation room was opened so fast it banged against the wall. Fearing that Jacob had returned to yell and upset Sam some more, Jack whipped around and got up quickly, but froze as instead of Jacob, Cassandra Fraiser entered the room at full speed, her long hair flying behind her as she shrieked, "I can't believe it!" and jumped on top of Jack in a huge hug.

"Nice to see you too, kid," Jack said, slightly choked by her arms round his neck.

Cassie was talking a hundred miles per hour at a pitch that Jack was certain would have dogs in a fifty mile radius howling. Jack picked up random words about babies, weddings, dresses, and secrets while her mother tried to calm her down. Teal'c and Daniel returned with her and were hovering near the open door.

Teal'c caught Jack's eye and asked, in the tone that meant Teal'c was clearly amused with Jack's current plight, "Do you require assistance, O'Neill?"

"Sam, oh my God, I can't believe it!" Cassie finally released Jack and made a move towards Sam but paused, looking to her mom uncertainly.

"It's okay, Cass," Sam promised. "And after that greeting, you'd better have a good one for me too."

"I don't want to hurt you," Cassie said cautiously, leaning onto the bed with one knee in the mattress and hugging her carefully.

"It's so good to see you, I missed you," Sam told her sincerely.

"I couldn't believe it when Mom told me about our 'mission' the other day. Did you like the dress?"

"It was perfect," Sam assured her.

"Thor's got pictures," Jack supplied, winking at Sam. Suddenly Sam's focus shifted to Daniel, who was still hovering by the door.

"Jack..." Sam said quietly.

Jack followed Sam's gaze and his eyes widened. "Daniel, what the hell is wrong with you, get that out of here!" he yelled, lunging at Daniel and forcing him out into the hall.

"Jack, relax, it's just a cup of coffee!" Daniel exclaimed, completely confused as to why he was suddenly being assaulted over a tiny Styrofoam cup of coffee.

"Exactly! Do you know how long it's been since either of us has had a cup of coffee! And Sam still can't have it for a long time..." It smelt soooo good. Jack grabbed it suddenly and took two huge, desperate gulps.

"Jack, that's..." Daniel tried to warn.

"Holy shit!" Jack swore, pressing it back into Daniel's hands and sticking his tongue out, fanning it desperately.

"Really hot," Daniel finished apologetically.

Jack ran back into the iso room and grabbed a cup of ice chips, dumping the entire contents into his mouth at once. Daniel slunk back into the room without his coffee while everyone was staring at Jack, whose cheeks were puffed out like a hamster.

Janet looked at Daniel firmly. "No coffee in here."

"Yeah, I... got that," Daniel said, still slightly bewildered.

Cassie jumped to Teal'c as Sam suddenly screamed with another contraction. The closest person to her was Jack, but he wasn't quick enough to offer his hand. She twisted his shirt tightly and he yelped as she caught the skin underneath. He also spit out the ice he was still holding in his mouth. It showered his shirt and her hair.

Cassie looked like she was about to cry just from watching Sam. She was squeezing Teal'c arm nearly as hard as Sam was still gripping Jack's shirt. When the contraction ended Sam collapsed back against the pillow wearily and Jack smoothed his shirt down and pretended to be looking for something on the floor. "You guys want to help me out here, I think she just ripped off a nipple," he asked seriously.

"Oh, like you really planned on using it for anything," Sam said wearily. Daniel chortled into his hand.

Seeing how exhausted Sam was, Cassie declared loudly, "I am NEVER having sex!"

"Yes!" Jack exclaimed, doing his little victory-clenched-fist maneuver.

"So did we miss anything exciting or were you just sitting around with nothing to do, waiting for us to come back?" Daniel asked jokingly.

"Oh, you know, Dad stopped by and scared the crap out of us," Jack said casually.

Daniel laughed until he saw that Jack and Sam were dead serious.

"He did? And he didn't... I mean I guess he was... surprised?"

"Jack threw him out of the room and sent him to talk to the General," Sam told them.

"Wow," Cassie said. "Impressive."

"It wasn't like that..." Jack started.

"Actually, it was," Jacob called from the doorway. He looked around the very small, incredibly crowded room.

Teal'c and Jack moved, as if they did it completely as a reflex, between the bed and the door, placing themselves between Jacob and Sam. Daniel noticed it too and moved between them and Jacob to play diplomat, but Jacob held up his hand.

"It's okay, Daniel. If Dr. Fraiser thinks it's okay... I'd like a few minutes with my daughter. And her... husband." Okay, so he very nearly choked on the word 'husband,' but at least he said it.

Janet looked at Sam, who gave a small nod.

"It's okay with me, but I don't want her blood pressure increased unnecessarily, and I need to check her again in ten..."

Sam let out a tiny cough.

"Five minutes," Janet said firmly.

"Thank you."

"Everyone else, out," Janet ordered.

Teal'c glanced at Jack, who nodded that it was okay for Teal'c to leave, but there was no doubt in the Colonel's mind that Teal'c would be standing right outside that door.

Janet closed the door softly behind her, leaving Jacob, Jack, and Sam alone.

"Are you... are you doing okay, kid?" Jacob asked nervously, approaching the bed cautiously.

"Yeah, sure, no problem," Sam said with a fake smile. "In fact, I'm thinking of getting up and running a marathon as soon as I finish up here."

"Nice influence on my daughter there, Jack," Jacob said with a snort.

"Hey, that's not me, she's always been a smartass," Jack insisted, holding his hands up defensively.

"Well... that's true," Jacob agreed. Jack nudged the stool he had been using towards Jacob and sat on the bed instead so that Jacob could sit as well. "God only knows how stubborn and sarcastic any kid the two of you create is going to be. I don't know what the Asgard were thinking."

"Is that your sweet way of saying 'congratulations,' Jake?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, I guess it is, Jack. Listen... Thor and George explained everything... they told me how long it took you guys to... work all this out and everything, and, well... now that I've heard the whole story I'm happy for you. It was just kind of a shock... I came through the gate thinking Sam maybe got nicked by a staff weapon or something, then I was hit between the eyes with you two... doing something that would normally earn you a court martial. Then I saw that you were in labor, Sam and... well let's just say if it wasn't for dear old Selmak I think you would have given me a heart attack." Jacob paused, smiled at Sam, and added, "Selmak says congratulations too, by the way. To both of you... George tells me you've been married for a long time now... well, to yourselves."

"Yeah, apparently it's only been about three days to everyone else but that was a long time ago to us," Sam said.

"Well... Sam I'll never understand what you see in this guy..."

Jack just smiled patiently but Sam objected, "Dad!"

"But..." Jacob continued. "Obviously if you still want to be with him after being stuck in a cabin alone for over a year, there's a lot about you both that I won't pretend to understand. But you both look happy so... I'm happy you're happy, Sam."

"Thanks, Dad," Sam said, her eyes filling with tears.

Jacob hugged her carefully and turned to Jack, who got to his feet. Jacob sized him up for a moment, looking at him rather sternly. He didn't need to bother flashing his eyes at Jack; the message was pretty clear without the Tok'ra enhanced intimidation factor. "I wanted to name the baby after you!" Jack blurted out suddenly.

Sam snorted and muttered, "Overwhelming coolness my ass."

Jack heard this and looked at her in surprise, not that she'd insulted him, but that she'd perked up enough to be making jokes again. Having her dad here and supporting them had obviously given her a much-needed burst of energy. He grinned at her but refrained from kissing her. Jacob was warming up to the idea, but it still probably wasn't the best time for that. And people said he had no diplomatic skills! Ha!

Jacob smiled his 'this O'Neill guy is weirdly entertaining' smile and stared at him, waiting patiently for Jack to dig himself in deeper. Sure enough, he wasn't disappointed. "I did, didn't I, Sam? Even if it's a girl!" Jack elaborated.

"You would name a girl Jacob?" Jacob asked incredulously. "Just to suck up to me?"

"Not exactly," Sam muttered.

"Now don't be ridiculous, Dad, what kind of a name would 'Jacob' be for a girl?" Jack asked reasonably, adding quickly, "I was going to go with Jacobina." He paused long enough to let Jacob have a chance at determining if he was joking or not and added, "Sam politely said there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell, I believe. Or something to that effect."

"Well, everyone knows she's way smarter than you," Jacob said mildly, shaking his head in amusement.

Janet knocked as she let herself into the room. "Sam, I really need to check your progress again." Sam nodded. "Everything okay in here?" Janet asked cautiously.

"Oh just peachy," Jack said, rocking on his heels.

Jacob left the room, muttering 'Imbecile,' under his breath on his way out. Still, he had to admit, he kind of liked the imbecile.

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