Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, but if I did you would all hate me because I wouldn't share him.
Author's note: Yes, I know it's a stupid poem, and that it moves around a lot, and that 'Diggums' doesn't rhyme with 'scum', and that some of the events aren't exactly in chronological order, and that I left out some stuff. But deal with it. It was really hard to do and took me a long time. Plus, I don't usually write limericks.
He's a child of our time,
This hero of mine
And I've come now to tell you the tale
He's smart for his age
And his hobbies quite strange
So odd you won't think that he's real
Just you think of the days
When man believed in fays
And you say, "Those days sure aren't now!"
But don't tell me I'm wrong
Until you've heard his song
That's the song of Artemis Fowl
A boy still so young
but so old in mind
Really a precocious lad
His father sailed on the Star
and sailed a bit too far
And it was goodbye to Artemis' dad
It was too much for Mum
She was feeling too glum
So she locked herself up and away
But Artemis? He's smart
And he knew in his heart
That his Daddy would come back someday!
The Fowls'd been rich
And life was a stitch
But the family's fortune was done
He said "Dad isn't here-
He's in the Arctic Sphere
And I'll get him when I have the funds."
But how to get cash
In only a flash?
Money doesn't grow on trees!
No one else could agree
But Artemis, he
Thought he'd get the money with ease.
'Cos Fowl believed in elves
On his bookshelves
Were dozens and dozens of books
And if faeries weren't real
And their gold he couldn't steal-
Well, it couldn't hurt to look.
He studied all the time
Hoping to find
A key to open that door
He was only a kid
But this child did
Something unaccomplished before
He followed the clues
And knew he couldn't lose
He was quite a wonderful crook.
He went to Vietnam
And, quite calm
Got a copy of the Fairy Book
Now, the book now with him
Was not 'The Brother's Grimm'
And it wasn't written by men
It was written in a code
Called Gnommish, I'm told
And it was fairies that had held the pen
It had never been read
By eyes in the head
Of a human concocting a ploy
It puts fairies to shame
Just to think of his name
Because he was a twelve-year-old boy!
He learned fairy lore
And what they had in store
Because magic for them was a breeze
Odds against him were stacked
Until he learned a fact:
Acorns, not money, grew on trees
Every pixie knows
That their power flows
From the earth which gave birth to us all
And for them to have might
They'd have to, at night
Complete the Ritual
Artemis' guard
A man very -er- large
Helped him catch a captive to trade:
A fairy of sorts
Called Captain Holly Short
And she worked for the underground brigade
Despite her small height
She could put up a fight;
This elf was pretty upset
She was from the LEP
And Holly would be
Hard to handle; he didn't' know that yet
He couldn't expect
To get what he'd get
Those LEP guys are unruly
There's Commander Root
Who can't fit in his suit
And a paranoid centaur named Foaly
And there's Briar Cudgeon
Whom we'd all like to bludgeon
Because he's just backstabbing scum
And, chewing dirt
It's the guy who likes to flirt
With Root; dwarf Mulch Diggums
Artemis had a plan
To meet a small man-
Commander Root came, less than calm
He would blue-rinse the place
But to his disgrace
Artemis knew about the bio-bomb
He wasn't even fazed
It was another phase
In his plot; but they couldn't know
The host gave Root the amount
He wanted in his account
A really really big bunch of gold
Then he looked in Root's eyes
"As long as I'm alive,
You can't come into this place."
And the doctors knew later
Artemis was a debater
They could tell it was true from his face.
They knew it was cold
But to get back the gold
There was only one way to do it:
The boy had to die
A blue rinse would suffice
And Root knew they would have to go through it
Not knowing about Root
Holly found in her boot
An acorn that she'd picked at the tree
She buried it in the dirt
And her magic returned
She hypnotized Butler's sis and was free!
Meanwhile, Mulch had a look
At what Artemis took
And Holly knew why all had gone wrong
The fairy book was found
In a place safe and sound
They'd been playing into his hands all along!
Later Mulch disappeared
After Butler interfered
And pretended his life was stubbed out
Even Foaly was fooled
Mulch then took some gold
And he dug himself an escape route
Heads are gonna roll
Cudgeon calls in a troll
After Artemis the ransom demands
Root thinks he's insane
He's just being a pain
And he's all of a sudden in command
Root put that guy out
But, running about
Is a creature that's really kinda scary
It's big, it's tough
It has sharp, pointy tusks
And allover it's stinking and hairy
Butler, to save his sister
And his charge, the young Mr
Goes head to head with the beast
Well, Arty is fine
But the troll's outta line
Butler's wounded and the troll's gonna feast
Holly opens her eyes
To a thing so despised
That it's spent its whole life in a cage
She and it go head to head
But she's practically dead,
Killed by the thing in a rage
Her magic, uncontrolled,
To Butler's arm flows
And he jumps up as good as new
It's near Juliet, to harm her
So Butler straps on armour
And gets himself armed for Round 2.
The guard won the wore
He evened the score
And even the fairies were struck dumb
They sent the gold in
Though they wanted to scold him
They figured they'd get it after the bomb
Holly pleaded with Fowl
To give it up now
But he wouldn't part with what he stole
Then he had second thoughts
From Holly he bought
A wish- and he paid with some gold
Then he poured a drink
Into each cup did sink
Some sedative pills for to sleep
After watching his friends fall
Artemis worried about it all
Then he himself took a drink
When Holly left, she begged
"Please let them all live!"
But they sighed and blue-rinsed the house
No one could survive
That time stop alive
Not a bug, not a rat, not a mouse.
After that had all ended
Holly and friends
Tried to get back the gold from inside
But only she could go!
That means, you know-
That Artemis Fowl was alive!
"How could he make it!"
Holly couldn't take it
The idea was truly insane
The fairies went underground
No answers were found
And still, that fact remained.
Artemis & Co. awoke
Butler wanted to choke
His sneaky, diminuative client
He had known how to escape
The bomb- you had to sleep!
He hadn't told them in case they wouldn't buy it.
Then with a pain
In the back of his brain
Artemis remembered Holly's glares-
And would she keep her wish?
He felt dumb as a dish-
Till his mother came down the stairs.
She frowned at the dirty rug
Then gave her son a hug
And apologized for what she had done
It was Christmas- December,
And for once that he'd remembered,
He felt like the child he was.
He'd have to hide all his plans
Or Angeline'd have them banned
But Artemis didn't think she would find.
He'd be up to the task
Anyone you could ask
Would say he's a criminal mastermind!
Thus that story closed
And Artemis chose
Not to give up on his life of crime
He'd have another plot
To earn money, a lot
But there wouldn't be fairies next time!
You miss him, I bet
But don't cry yet
This isn't really the end
'Cos Artemis Fowl
But his vampire smile
Will be back to see you all again.