Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. ㅠ-ㅠ sob

Sorry that it took so long…. There are only a few chapters left in this and as soon as I finish, I can devote myself to continuing Hope's Deception which I have cruelly abandoned. This is a look into the mind of a most mysterious woman.

Slight spoilers from the anime. Flashback scenes are mostly from the show.

Chapter Two

How Long is Forever?

Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

evanescence

Kikyo's POV

'He has a new life…let him live it.'

She speaks of what she does not understand. She could not possibly understand.

As my servants gently lower me, the grass brushes past my ankles, and I lightly come to rest on the ground. I sit beside the clear lake, tired from my late night experiences.

I am sure that Kagome will assume that I called Inuyasha to me to drag him to hell or to cause him pain. Somehow…I can not stop the empty sigh from escaping me. I rest my hand on my chest, where my heart would be if I were alive; trying to dull that hollow ache that now resides there. Why did I call for him? Even I, the undead, can be lonely.

It is of no importance. Inuyasha and I both know that once this ordeal has come to an end, I will bring him with me to Hell. I could see it in Kagome's eyes, just how much she cared for him. The emotions that I no longer wish to display for they have only damaged me. After all, I am no longer human. She does not believe that Inuyasha should be punished for a crime he did not commit. Such a simple, young child could never understand. I am not punishing him.

I will not lie and say that I felt nothing akin to envy or perhaps jealousy when I saw just how gentle Kagome had made Inuyasha. I remember a time when I had so wished to be the one to do so. Fifty years ago, I had been ready to devote my life and heart to Inuyasha. How long ago that seems now…

Fifty Years Ago

Accented by sharp twangs, my arrows flew true through the air in rapid succession. He cursed in anger when he found himself pinned to the tree, my arrows just grazing his skin. I did not allow myself to stay and turned and began walking away from him.

"Damn it! Why don't you just finish me off? Just kill me already!"

I stopped abruptly, my heart pounding. Although this was not the first time that we had encountered each other, nor the first time that I had stopped his attempts at stealing the Jewel, this was the first time that he had spoken to me. His voice was so heated and coarse with anger, laced with frustration. It froze me to my spot.

I quickly shook off the surprise of hearing him speak. Without turning to face him I said, "Let this be your last attempt on the Jewel, Inuyasha. The next time that we met, I will have to kill you."

He spoke no more, and I continued walking away from him. Perhaps I surprised him as he did me, for this was also the first time that I had spoken to him.

As I left him, my words echoed in my head. "The next time we met, I will have to kill you."

Even then, I was very good at pretending and lying to myself.

He had been following me for some time now, shadowing my footsteps. Although he never revealed himself, I always knew he was there even though I went on pretending I did not. I feared that I may frighten him off.

I savored these few precious moments when I did not have to carry out my endless façade: cool, collected and composed. This lake was one of my one of my favorite retreats. It was in a secluded part of the woods where the villagers did not dare come for fear of demons and where it was still close enough to the villages of men that demons found it too much of an annoyance to reside.

I stepped into the cool water in my white robe and let my fingertips lightly graze the surface, leaving trails of silent ripples. Then, I dove silently under the surface all together and submersed myself in the silent calm of the lake. Light reached me in broken rays and streams as I slipped easily through the water, gazing upward, out into a different world. When my lungs ached for air, I shot up and broke through the surface, gasping. As I flung my hair that was thick and heavy from the weight of water behind me, a question of realization touched my conscience.

Is he here now?

I suppressed my instinct to look around for I found that I did not wish to scare him off. A sense of embarrassment rose in me as I realized that my robe, now wet, concealed nothing. But it was overcome by the thrill of the forbidden idea that someone might be watching and seeing me- an untouchable priestess- in a way that a man watches and sees a woman.

I continued with my activities as would have on any other occasion, but even I could not fight off the blush that heated my body. No man would or had ever seen me. They looked but never dared to touch. There was never desire in their minds, only fear, awe and respect.

A smile touched my lips as I pondered over the idea that to someone I was more than just a guardian priestess, that to someone I might even be desirable.

Perhaps…to Inuyasha I could even be beautiful.

I sat in the shade of the tree on the hill overlooking my village. The warmth of the summer sun was fading as night approached. I knew he was perched in one of the tree behind me, watching me. I could barely keep from sighing. I had sensed him from the first day that he had began trailing me aboutand as the days passed with no effort on his part to approach me, I realized fearfully that he may never do so.

Before I had time to reason with myself and change my mind, I inquired, "Inuyasha? Won't you come down and sit with me?"

A silence followed my invitation, and I sat still, my heart thumping wildly in fear that he would not accept. But, to my surprise and pleasure, I heard a rustle as he leapt easily from his tree, and sat down a cautious distance away from me. Practice made it easy for me to keep my face neutral, hiding my foolish happiness. Neither of us spoke, and Inuyasha's wary glances and tenseness made it anything but a comfortable silence.

"This is the first we sat together ands spoken like this, isn't it?" I found myself asking the obvious. For some reason I thought of the many young girls in my village, flirting with much more skill and experience than I.

He did not respond but simply raised a disbelieving eyebrow at me. Something about his attitude told me that pleasantries were useless.

Gazing out at the village, I could make out the figures of the people; children by the river, men on the fields…

"Inuyasha, how is it that you see me?" I asked the question before I knew what I was saying. "Do you see me as a human?"

I heard his skeptical "Feh" and it seemed that he could not help but answer. He said, "Of course! What the hell else would you be?" A shiver went down my spine at the sound of his voice; rough and unrefined, deep and gruff, but not at all unlikable. There was something feral beneath his tone, something wild that made me want to shudder.

"Well, then you are the only one to see me that way…" I was alarmed at the open vulnerability that stole into my voice. I broke my speech to bring myself back before continuing. "We are very much alike, Inuyasha. We are both alone. That is why I could never kill you."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw his head snap my way in surprise at my comment and his expression made it obvious he did not believe me. "What the hell are you talking about?"

A dry chuckle escaped me lips. "I was born destined to be a miko, to be the curator of the sacred jewel and to protect it with my life. My destiny has made it impossible for me to lead a normal life." I gazed out at the village and sadly watched the figures of the people against the setting sun. My voice was barely more than a wistful whisper when I spoke again. "To the people I am nothing more than a priestess. It is my gift, my power that isolates me. They are grateful for my protection…but it frightens them. It makes them weary of me." He most likely knew what I spoke of for he followed me and must have noticed my solitude.

My breath felt lodged in my throat for I had never of this to anyone, not even Kaede. It was not right for me to speak of such things, but somehow I felt I needed to share this with him.

"I may be human in body, but it seems that I will never be seen as such."

I looked over at him and smiled. He looked away quickly, and I wished he would have met my gaze. I rose to my feet and he jumped up nervously. Then, I did something dangerous, something I wondered if I would later regret.

"Would you come tomorrow and meet me here?" I found myself fiddling with my hands, not looking at him and realized that for once, I was nervous. "I…I'll bring food."

He was silent for so long I wanted to snatch back my words. I looked up at him and lost my breath. In the low light of the setting sun, his amber eyes seemed to almost glow, untamed and dangerous, like liquid flames. The cat like pupils bore into me with such intensity and his inhumanly fair hair shone so bright against his face.

"I might." Then he was gone.

I should have known not to play with fire.

As I left the village with basket in hand, I told myself that he was most likely not going to come. Still…I wanted to be there just in case…

I saw him at the crest of the hill. His hair shone like a white flame, and I spotted him easily. My heart skipped with happiness. He turned my way and made a sound of acknowledgement although it was not exactly friendly. He merely seemed to say, "you're here, I'm here." It didn't matter to me.

I sat down beside him, making sure to give him enough space to be comfortable and set the basket of food in front of us.

Eyeing the basket, he asked suspiciously, "What'd you bring?"

Pulling out two rice balls, I handed one to him and waited for him to eat. He sniffed at it warily and glance at me. "Didn't poison it or something, did you?"

I was unsure if he was joking or not, but I brought the rice ball to my mouth and took a small bite, hoping that this would ease his suspicion. It made me sad to think of what might have happened in his past to make him so wary.

From then on, we met almost everyday. At first we did not speak much to each other and he left as soon as the food was all eaten. Still, I was patient and did not ask anything of him other than his company. After a while, he began to remain with me even when the food was gone.

I was, for some reason, so very worried that he would not like or even reject my humble cooking. I was not very skilled. I only cooked for myself and Kaede, occasionally attempting to make my younger sister a treat. I watched to see what foods he seemed to like which was rather difficult for he had a very hearty appetite and ate everything. Still I managed to pick up on the foods he attacked first and ate quickly, and I practiced making them, trying to make them the best I could.

Slowly, we even began to talk. It was only small talk, and it was done mostly on my part, but I was happy. I spoke to him about the village, the people and the children. He listened with an air of disinterest, but would sometimes talk about demons and their different powers. I was surprised to find that he was rather wise about many things. I should not have been, for he was much older than me in human years.

One day, I told him the tale of how the Jewel had been formed. I was wearing the jewel that day, as I had been around him for some time now. It was easier that way, I told myself. I did not have to worry about the village being attacked. But, the truth was that I wanted to know that I could trust him…that it was not just the jewel that kept him here. Unlike other times, Inuyasha intently listened to every word I said, his ears and his eyes trained on me. I rolled the Jewel between my fingers, the cool surface pulsating with power, power that I only had could sense.

When I was finished, he stared at me for a while, then turned away and muttered a "Feh."

I used to often wish that the jewel had never been formed, but on that day, I was grateful. It was the jewel that brought us together, and if it was not for my guarding it, he and I would not have met.

I should have had enough sense to realize that if it could bring us together, it could just as easily tear us apart. Then again, I may have known, but was not willing to believe.

We sat together under the same tree, shoulder to shoulder, almost touching. We had slowly grown closer, each finding an unexpected friend in one another.

The leaves were changing from lush green to fiery hues to scarlet, russet and yellow. I was uneasy. There was so much I had yet to ask. There was so much about him that I wanted so badly to know.

I wanted to know him.

"Inuyasha?" I asked.

He looked at me and waited impatiently for my question. "Which...of your parents was human?"

His face darkened with bitterness, his jaw tightening, fists clenching and eyes narrowing. "You don't know where to stop do you?" He growled.

I bowed my head in apology and whispered, "I'm sorry. I just…"

He drew in a breath and loudly let it out before snapping, "You really that curious? Fine. My father was the demon lord of the Western Lands, and my mother was a noble lady who caught his eye a while after his mate croaked. They're both dead, but I have a half-brother who'd like to slice off my head and melt it in liquid miasma for dirtying our family tree."

I saw the look in his eyes and said, "If you do not wish to talk about it, please don't." I felt as though I needed to repay him for opening up to me so I turned the conversation to the story of my family. "My mother and father were simple villager, and they too passed away many years ago. My mother died when Kaede was very young and my father soon after that in a demon attack. I miss them often. They were kindhearted people…they just were not…" I trailed off.

We were silent for a while, both lost in memories.

I almost jumped in surprise when he spoke. "My mother was…always sad." His voice seemed to grow smaller until it caved in on itself. "Beautiful, but in a sad way. You can blame that on me. After I was born, she was an outcast. Humans were disgusted that she had bore the child of a demon and the demons didn't receive her warmly, outraged that she had birthed a hanyou."

I surprised the both of us with my boldness when I reached out and clasped his clenched hand in between my own. It felt so rough and large. "You must not blame yourself, Inuyasha. You did not ask to be born. She must have loved you and your father a great deal."

He stared at me with a wide-eyed shock, looking down at his hand that I held between my own and back at my face. He swallowed and his face was unreadable. Then with a curt nod, he looked away at the falling leaves.

He did not pull his hand away, and we sat there in a comfortable silence, hands clasped as if as long as we held on, we could believe.

Early fall, when the weather cool but still mild, I brought Kaede to meet Inuyasha.

I was the only mother that she had ever known and it had hurt me to have to leave her to train. It hurt all the more when I returned, for I knew I could no longer be the lighthearted and playful elder sister that had left her. The immensity of my new responsibilities no longer allowed me to be what I had been. As time past, I fell farther and farther into my duties as the Jewel's guardian, and I knew it saddened her. It was only when we were alone that I would sometimes laugh or make a hushed joke in hopes of making her happy.

I could tell that the summer I met Inuyasha, Kaede sensed a change in me, although she did not know why. That day, I led her to a hidden part of the woods in a small clearing behind the cliffs. Her small form hid behind my own when we approached Inuyasha, and I could not help but be amused at the bewildered expression on his face.

"Don't glare like that Inuyasha," I said. It would not help if my sister fainted in fright. "Kaede," I whispered expectantly as I nudged her out from behind me.

She bowed, and I felt a motherly pride rise in my chest. "Hajimemashite," she said softly.

I took her with me to met Inuyasha often after that, and they became comfortable around each other, although Inuyasha hardly ever spoke to her. However, he was never unkind, and once, he surprised even me by allowing her to ride on his back when he walked us back to the well.

One day as we were heading back to the village, I asked her, "Do you like Inuyasha, Kaede?"

She looked up at me with a trusting eye, the other hidden behind an eye patch. She had lost the sight in that one even before she could walk. With a small smile she said brightly, "Yes, Oneesama. I do."

I smiled and asked merrily, "Why?"

She smiled again and said seriously, "Because he makes you smile."

I looked at her in surprise and she said thoughtfully, "You have smiled more in the few months since you met him then you have in the years since you became the guardian of the jewel. He makes you happy, sister, and for that I love him.

I would come to regret the day I found Onigumo.

I was returning from an afternoon with Inuyasha when as I was climbing the small cliff, I heard a horrible sound of pain. He was badly burned, and I knew that he would never walk again. He would have died if I had not carried his parched body to a cave and nourished him.

I visited him almost everyday, changing his bandages, washing away his rotting skin. The way he looked at me was repulsive. I wanted to shudder every time that he ran his lecherous gaze over my body with his oily grin. He would whisper things to me, his voice thick with lust. I pretended not to hear.

But, all he had left to him was the power to look, and I could not deny him that. I wish now that I had left him to his fate among the rocks.

The weather became colder, and I no longer brought Kaede to see Inuyasha. We would walk together, for I became too cold if I sat still. He did not have the same problem, but he did not complain. I would sometimes walk close to him, holding his arm. The cold was just an excuse to be closer to him. There was a new intimacy between us, and we spent time closer to the village. As long as it did not bother him that the villagers saw, it did not bother me either. We walked deeper into the woods, and I was not afraid for I trusted that he would protect me. I even stopped bringing my bow and arrows.

We routinely went for boat rides down the river. The new proximity between Inuyasha and I left something in my stomach, shuddering. A tremble ran through my body when I was near him as if I were waiting for something I could not recognize.

I found it one day after one of our boat rides. With my nervousness came awkwardness, something I was not used to. As I was stepping up from the boat to the dock, I stumbled forward to land heavily against Inuyasha's broad chest. He held me awkwardly, the pole still clenched in one of his hands.

He went still and stiff, then he dropped the pole and it clatter to the ground. He wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders and pulled me closer, crushing me against him. We stood there, silhouetted against the setting sun, his silver hair in my eyes, and I filled my lungs with his scent, the smell of pine, fire and earth. I froze in a moment of blissful disbelief.

He was indescribably warm, my Inuyasha, always giving off heat, always so fiery hotheaded. I wished he would burn away the ice that had formed around my heart to reveal a woman who could be loving and warm, a woman he could love. I lifted my head from his shoulder and an unfathomable expression flashed across his face. I feared it meant that he would let go and lifted my arms and wrapped them around his neck, tangling my long fingers in his soft hair.

Even as I soaked in the sweet feeling of being lost in the heat of his arms, I cried inwardly for I knew I was not free to love him. I was caged by my obligation to the jewel.

I buried my face in his hair and whispered, "Don't ever let go." Just hold me like this so that I may go on pretending that there can be a future for us.

We lay together on a blanket I had brought for us under a line of cherry trees, basking in the warmth of the spring sun. I could not deny that since I had met Inuyasha, that muted pain caused by the knowledge that I could never love a man and that my thoughts of the jewel had to be first had greatly sharpened. I knew that as long as I had to protect the jewel and keep it pure, I could never be a wife, a mother. It pained me so to know that I could be happy with Inuyasha, that I wanted to be with him, but I could not as long as I was the Priestess.

Lying in our private clearing, I relished the feeling of his arm around my waist and looked over, to find in surprise that he had fallen asleep. It warmed my heart to know that he trusted that I would stay awake and protect him enough to make himself exposed in the open. I smiled and reached over quietly to gently touch one of his satin ears. I chuckled softly when it twitched and smiled guiltily when he cracked open one eye and sleepily huffed at me.

"Isn't it beautiful?" I sighed, "The cherry blossoms are always so beautiful when they bloom."

"Mmm." He mumbled, reaching over to pluck out a petal that had drifted into my hair.

"Kikyo?" He asked.

I looked over at him, my smile fading when I saw the graveness of his expression. He looked so serious…

The words he spoke next left me shocked.

"If you turned me into a human using the jewel, what would happen?"

I abruptly sat up and looked away, trembling from the effort of suppressing the hope that bloomed in my heart. "If such a thing was done, "I said carefully, "it would disappear, having been purified."

His voice intense, he pressed, "If the jewel disappeared, what would happen to you?"

My breath was lodged in my throat, bringing my voice down to a mere whisper. "I would no longer be bound to the duty of a priestess and be free to live life as a normal woman." Did I dare hope?

Suddenly, he sat up and capturing my shoulders, he turned me toward him and force me to look at him. "Kikyo," he said, the depths of his amber eyes swallowing me whole, "Do it. Use the jewel to make me a human. Live with me…as my wife."

I realized that I was shaking, a sharp pain in my chest. "You would do this?" I whispered, searching his eyes, "You would give up your demon blood and long life to be with me? You must know there would be no turning back…"

He pulled me closer, wrapping me in a burning embrace. "Power and all the years to live would be meaningless if I don't have you."

I was breathless with joy as I threw my arms around him.

"Kikyo, I love you."

I shook at hearing those words and he held me tighter. "Meet me here tomorrow at dawn. Then…then we can…"

I truly believed that my fairytale was coming true, that I would be able to live out my make-believe world with Inuyasha and have my happily-ever after, living as his wife. I had forgotten that happily-ever-afters are only unfinished stories.

I waited at our appointed meeting place at the break of dawn, lost in thought.

Is it a wrong choice? Am I wrong…to want this for both him and I? I fiddled with the Jewel, and as I remember Inuyasha's whispered endearments, I forgot all worries.

The faint brush of feet across grass. The flowing clothes. I should have sensed him coming, but so lost in thoughts of our future, I was not prepared.

A sudden pain tore up my back and into my shoulder, blood flying. I realized with a muted pain that I had failed.

My heart shattered under the burden of collapsing fantasies. I should never have opened myself up to him. Only a half-demon he may have been, but he was all the more unpredictable for it. I had given myself to him, sharing with him the tender dreams and hopes that had been kept secret for so long. Under his "love" I had hesitantly bloomed, opening my petals, only to find them crushed, stained with betrayal and hate.

My body crumpled to the ground, the Shikon no Tama falling away from my hand. Wincing, I reached for it slowly, my wounded arm slinking up beside my fallen figure, stretching achingly.

Then a foot came down on the jewel of power, crushing my fingers, though I felt nothing. I forced myself to lift my eyes. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be.

But it was.

Inuyasha. I blindly stared at him, trembling with rage as he stooped and took the Shikon no Tama.

Inuyasha…

"You're a fool," he sneered at me, making me withdraw in disbelief at the cold maliciousness in his tone. "And the jewel is mine, now." This could not be the same voice that had whispered lovingly to me only a sunrise and sunset ago.

Inuyasha! Of all the beings in this world to want it, to desire it, not you! I did this for you-for us!

"You traitor!" I screamed hoarsely, hardly feeling the pain that flared.

And for the first time in countless years, I wept, my face streaked with blood and tears. I could still stop him. I would not live, but I knew my body had enough strength to do what I knew I must.

As the ground came rushing up to meet me, I barely registered that my blood was cold. Not even dead, and my blood was cold.

I clutched the jewel in my hand as it glowed a burning white in response to the crimson blood that marred its pure surface.

Inuyasha…The image of him pinned to the God Tree with my last arrow shredded my quiet, hopeful dream and for the first time in my life, I was engulfed with a pure and terrible hatred. Who I had been, the pure, unfailingly kind priestess folded in on herself, hiding from the possibility of being wounded so utterly and completely again.

I cried out as the pain flared hot and commanding. Then, the jewel pulsed in my hand, questioning me. Should I use it and live? No…that would be a wish born of hate and anger and it would release such evil…My vision blurred by my tears, I shook my head.

I wanted to be with you. I wanted to love you.

I dropped the jewel, my chance of survival. I would die. I would forget. We would enter the land of eternal sleep together.

Small hands grabbed my unwounded shoulder. Kaede…Her voice thick with fear, she cried, "Sister! Your wound…"

I shook my head. "No, it's too late." I would have to leave her. But I would not allow such a young girl to bear the responsibility that had ultimately slain me.

"Burn it Kaede…burn the jewel with my body."

I fell forward, my last breath leaving me before I hit the ground.

Inuyasha…

Present

I gasp silently as I clutch my chest. I can still feel the pain.

When I was resurrected, I had hated Inuyasha because I had thought he had betrayed me. Even after it was discovered that he had not, I could not…would not let go of him.

For such a powerful priestess I have fallen so far.

I was foolishly innocent, yearning life so desperately that blinded, I stepped out of place. I did which was not my place to do. I tried to bring the paths of our two such separate lives together and in doing so, I only did harm. It was my fate to be the Priestess. I should not have tried to escape it.

In the end, it is my fault that I died, my fault that Inuyasha suffered.

"He has a new…let him live it."

I want to take him to Hell not because I want to punish him, but because I know that our only connection now is death. The only way that I can be with him is in dying.

I lied to myself when I said that I do not linger on what could have been. That is all I have left. The broken images of what might have been are all that I have to tie me to this world.

Suddenly I realize that I am punishing Inuyasha for a crime he did not commit. It was my crime and I must accept the consequences. It is my fate now to wander in solitude and when I return to the land of the dead, I will exist there alone. There is no future for Inuyasha and I anymore. We are the past. I am the past.

I cover my mouth with my hand and suppress the sob that rises in my throat.

What might have been between Inuyasha and I is no more than a fleeting dream now…one that lives only in our memories.

I must accept my punishment…without Inuyasha.

Perhaps, this time, he will have his happy ending.

I really loved Kikyo who was alive because she was so kind and pure. The relationship she had with Inuyasha was so beautiful and if they had used the jewel to make him human, then I think that would have been the perfect story. T-T