Obscuring Tears
Chapter Nine:
Identity
I have lost my identity
Along with my mind
I must get them back…
I won't be redefined
Ruthie tossed a final sharp-edged blade into the small leather pouch that Lucy held open in front of her. "That's the last of them," Ruthie said and sighed.
"Thank you," Lucy replied, pulling the ties on the bag closed. She smiled as she gave her little sister a hug. "You're going to be okay."
"I know," Ruthie said, plastering on a smile. Shutting the door behind Lucy, she allowed her grin to fall. Truthfully, she didn't think she would be okay, but if lying kept everyone off her back, she was going to continue doing it.
Ruthie crawled onto her bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. Her eyes ran over her injured arm, scrutinizing every cut and scab there was. Cutting had been her only release from everything she was dealing with. It took her away from herself, and in those moments, she was happiest, even if it was wrong.
What was she going to do now that they all knew about the incident that had occurred between herself and her mother? It was just another thing to deal with and to be embarrassed about. Ruthie swore that they would continue to dig up her past to try to justify how she had acted toward them. It wasn't enough to accept her as she was; they wanted that little sweet and kind girl that was their sister. That little girl would never of said any of those hurtful things, no matter how true they may have been. That little girl would never have been as stupid as to turn to self-injury.
Sometimes, Ruthie cursed herself for conforming to her parents' rules. She wasn't normal because of it. The kids at school teased her, didn't want to be around her. She never really had many friends, and the ones she did have didn't stick around for long. Her father's job had been the focus throughout her life. It had given her the reputation she now carried with her everywhere she went. Nobody would ever forget that she was the daughter of a minister. Now that her father was gone, what was to happen? She wasn't the adorable child or the minister's daughter. What was left?
You have surprised me
I did not expect this
Especially from you
During this family crisis.
Lucy knocked on the spare bedroom door. She waited for permission and then went in. Matt's bulging suitcase caught her eye as she closed the door behind her. Her older brother was sitting coolly on the bed flipping through a magazine. He gave her nothing more than a glance when she first came in, pretending to be extremely interested in an article.
"What's that?" she asked, eyeing the luggage.
"My suitcase," Matt answered shortly, only looking up long enough to see what she was talking about.
"Yes, I see that." Lucy set the small bag on the nearby dresser. "You aren't leaving, are you?" she asked, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sighing, Matt tossed the magazine aside. "Yeah, I'm leaving. Tomorrow night, actually."
Lucy felt all expression drain off her face. "I hope you're being sarcastic," she said.
Matt shook his head. "I have to get back to school, back to my job."
Lucy marched over to her brother. "What were you thinking?" she growled angrily. "You can't leave."
"Lucy, I have to. I have to get back to school if I ever want to catch up – or graduate. I have to get back to Sarah. I have to get back to my life."
"No, Matt, you don't have to," she spat. "Is all that really more important than your sister? Is it really more important than knowing your sister is even okay?"
"Ruthie is going to be all right now that she's getting back on the right track. I know she is," Matt explained.
Lucy scoffed. "Listen to yourself. She's getting back on the right track, yes. But that does not mean she is there yet. Right now, she is hanging on by a thread. If you walk out on her, I have a feeling that thread will become non-existent."
"I'm not walking out on her," Matt argued. "I was planning on talking to her about it so she would understand."
Lucy exhaled, finding herself unable to believe that this was indeed her brother sitting before her. She had always looked up to Matt, went to him for advice, even when they were still growing up. He was wise and logical, but now he was merely crazy.
"Unbelievable." Lucy spun on her heels and left the room, swiping the bag of blades as she went.
There's no doubt
That I love you
I would do anything
To remain true
Sarah arrived home from a long day's work and allowed herself to flop onto the couch. Her performance had been slipping a bit since Matt left. The talk she had with her father hardly cleared anything up. She tried calling him at Lucy's house, but she supposed her message never got picked up. It surprised her that he hadn't even tried to call her though. Didn't he feel just as badly as she did?
The telephone rang, and Sarah considered not answering it. Whoever it was would leave a message if it was important enough. Then again, she would just have to call that person back, so she forced herself to get up.
"Hello," she said into the receiver.
"Sarah," a familiar male voice answered, "it's Matt."
Sarah could feel her heart flutter and her stomach turn over. This was what she had been waiting for. The eventual phone call had finally occurred. She had so many things she wanted to say to him, but couldn't find her voice.
"I called to tell you that I'm coming home tomorrow."
She cleared her throat. "Why?" she asked, trying to sound interested and calm when, in fact, she was absolutely bursting with happiness.
"Well, because things around her are straightening out, and I think it's time that I head back to school," he explained.
She sighed. "Matt, I'm glad you are coming home, but I think I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding about your family situation. I'm sorry about the way you left. It was stupid and selfish."
Matt laughed. "It's okay. I forgive you. We can talk more when I get home."
"Okay," she agreed. "I love you, Matt."
"Love you, too."
A promise was made
A promise was broken
All by one person
I guess had misspoken"You're leaving me?" A small voice from the doorway sounded just as Matt hung up the phone. His warm feeling that he had gotten from speaking to his wife disappeared as quickly as it had come. He looked up and saw the expression on his little sister's face.
Matt went to Ruthie and put his hands on her shoulders. "Ruthie, I have to get back to school," he replied gently. "You understand that don't you?"
Ruthie scoffed, pulling away. "How could I? I mean, you're the one who said you were cut off once and you wouldn't be again. And now you want to run back to New York not even a week after you got here!"
"I don't want to, I – "
"Liar!" Fire burned behind Ruthie's eyes.
"Ruthie –"
"You promised!" she screamed, pounding Matt's chest with her fists.
Lucy barged into the room having heard yelling. She pulled a tearful Ruthie away from Matt, though she thought Matt deserved to be clobbered.
"It's okay, Ruthie," she soothed as the younger girl buried her face into Lucy's shoulder.
"He promised," Ruthie sobbed, her words muffled.
Lucy threw an annoyed glare at Matt and replied, "I know."