Obscuring Tears

Chapter 13:

Define Me

You say that I am special

You say that I am kind

You say that I am pretty

You couldn't be more blind

"Hey, where are you going?" he asked casually as he walked up the drive with his hands shoved deeply into his pockets. There was a curious smile on his face as he leaned in to give her a gentle kiss on her cheek. When he pulled away and studied the emotion in her eyes, he felt an unfamiliar pang in his stomach.

Ruthie sighed, as she threw the last of her luggage in the trunk of Lucy and Kevin's minivan. He watched her silently, still awaiting an answer.

"I'm going to New York to live with my grandparents," she explained shortly.

Bert laughed nervously after a short pause. "No, really, where are you going?"

She looked away.

"Ruthie…" he said, his voice sounding strange, choked.

The young woman forced herself to look into Bert's disbelieving eyes. Strangely, she felt as if she was abandoning him, as if they were in a relationship that meant something.

"Bert, I'm sorry, but it's not like you're losing anything," she explained. "I wasn't really that good a friend anyway."

"No," he refused, "you really were a good friend. You could never not be a good friend to me." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I think I'm in love with you."

Ruthie seemed to freeze, seemed to stop breathing, for only a moment, then threw her head back, bursting into wild, uncontrollable laughter until warm tears ran from the corners of her eyes.

Bert chuckled nervously, feeling his cheeks grow hot as if there were a raging fire under his pale skin. He bit the inside of his lip as Ruthie entered a new fit of giggles.

"Um, it's really not that funny," Bert said shyly.

Ruthie shook her head, wiping her eyes. "No," she shrieked with laughter, "it's hilarious."

Bert took a deep breath. "Ruthie, could stop that? You are starting to scare me a little."

She held up a hand, trying to catch her breath. Once she locked eyes with Bert, she became completely serious.

Clearing her throat, she replied, "I'm sorry, Bert. It's just – You cannot be in love with me."

He shrugged. "Why not? You're beautiful, you're funny, and you're sweet. I can't think of anything bad about you."

"No, you don't understand. The girl that you knew wasn't me."

Bert's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm lost. The real me is lost. Right now, I am so messed up, I can't find the line between sane and insane, good and bad, right and wrong."

Bert shook his head. "I don't get you."

There was a loud and seemingly angry bang as the screen door to the house clanged shut. Lucy flew down the short walkway from the porch carrying a final bag in her arms, which she threw carelessly into the back of the minivan. As she turned around, her eyes finally landed on Ruthie and for a moment she studied the girl's face as if she had seen her for the first time.

"We are leaving," she stated firmly as the boys, Kevin, and Simon made their way down the walk and piled into the vehicle.

Ruthie pulled Bert a few feet away from her family as so they couldn't overhear, but was painfully aware of their eyes on her. She shook them off as best as she could.

"Look," she whispered. "I need help." She paused, a surprised expression occupying her face. "Wow. I think that's the first time I've said that out loud."

"I'm sorry, I still don't understand."

Ruthie gave a small, sympathetic smile. "That's okay. I'm just having a hard time dealing with all that's happened, and I guess I have to go away to get better."

He gazed into her eyes, searching for the answers to impossible questions. Bert shrugged and sighed. "If that's the only way, then I want you to be happy."

"I don't think it's the only way, but Lucy seems pretty set on it." She rolled her eyes in her sister's direction.

Bert gave a small smile. "Just don't forget about me."

Ruthie laughed. "Like I could." She threw her arms around him and pecked him on the cheek. "I'll write. Goodbye."

She turned on her heels, her hair whipping her face. He watched them turn the corner and disappear from sight before he even found his voice.

"'Bye."

There are so many things

That I need to say and do.

But all I can do now

Is cry because I miss you.

Ruthie twisted in her seat as they drove away and watched Bert become nothing more than a small dot on the horizon. A twinge of sadness crept into her heart and she felt as if she were leaving him behind like a worthless piece of garbage. When they rounded a corner, she straightened out and stared forward into nothingness.

Though they still had a good fifty-five minutes before takeoff, Lucy drove like a maniac through the city, always above the speed limit. Kevin, being a police officer, said nothing having picked up on the negativity his wife was sending out. She had obviously found a way - if not a safe way – to relieve at least some of her pent-up frustration.

Lucy was breathing hard, her lips in a tight line, eyes never leaving the road.

Ruthie did not bother to hide her unhappiness and wore it on her face. Her gaze traveled past her own transparent reflection on the glass and out toward the blurred scenery of streetlamps and traffic signs. She let her eyes go out of focus, not caring what things were anymore. Suddenly, a familiar white-iron fence was running by and Ruthie snapped back to reality.

"Stop!" she screamed, grabbing the head rest of the front passenger seat, causing everyone in the minivan to jump at the abrupt sound, even Lucy, who had hit the brakes.

They were all looking at her now, just as they had before, and an unsettling feeling washed over her. She and Lucy locked eyes and without words, Lucy pulled the van over and let Ruthie out.

The cemetery.

Annie and Eric Camden were not buried far from the road, allowing Ruthie to find their headstones rather quickly. She was instantly shamed, thinking that she was just going to board a plane and fly clear across the country without even stopping to say goodbye.

Ruthie fell to her knees, disregarding the thought of grass stains. She scanned the two identical gray stones and tried to smile. Her parents had been through so much together and no matter what, they had stuck by each other for better or worse. And now here they were, together for eternity, as they had planned the moment they said, "I do."

"Hi, Mom, Dad," she started, her voice unsure and shaky.

She had so many things to say to them, but couldn't find the perfect opening words. For a moment, she just sat there in silence.

On the verge of tears, she took a deep breath and whispered, "I'm so scared. Every day I wake up and I wonder why I am still here and you aren't. You both were so much better people than I can ever hope to be. These past few months ought to prove that."

She bowed her head, clutching the stalks of grass for support. "I'm so lost," she sobbed. "I don't know who I am anymore. I've done things that I would never have done if you were still here. They way I've treated the people that I respected…. God, I'm sorry."

A woman had come to stand beside this crying child, her white dress flowing behind her in the cold breeze. Ruthie caught sight of this woman's shadow and looked over her shoulder. The sun beat down on her face, illuminating the wet tear streaks running in every direction off her face.

"Lucy," Ruthie choked as her sister came to sit on the ground and gathered her in her arms. "I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me."

"It's okay, Ruthie," Lucy repeated over and over again, stroking her sister's hair and rocking her back and forth as she had seen her mother do a million times before. A few tears had slipped down her own face. Every trace of her anger had melted away when she had seen her sister alone through the window.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Ruthie bawled, her words choppy and muffled through her tears and Lucy's dress.

All time was lost and neither sister cared weather or not they made it to the airport in time. In this moment, Lucy felt a connection to Ruthie that she thought had been lost forever. Sometimes the saddest and most difficult things that can happen to one little girl in such a large world are the most rewarding.

The End