Disclaimer: No ownership claimed, no money gained.

Summary: After insulting the wrong woman in a bar, Tasuki is given a lesson on women's lot he isn't likely to forget… Rated PG-13 / "T" for Tasuki language and eventual violence and adult situations.

This story is dedicated to Roku Kyu, without whom none of this would've been possible. Not only has she been endlessly encouraging (sometimes threateningly so :P) towards my work on this story, but her talents for plot, dialogue, and writing in general were vital to the successful completion of this and many other chapters. So this one's for you, Roku. …about damn time, huh?

And now, without further ado, I hereby present…

E X P E C T I N G

-1-

Now, it ain't like I hate women or somethin'. I don't hate 'em. They're just not my favorite people, ya know? When I'm sittin' in a tavern, gettin' all nice and drunk an' mindin' my own business, the last thing I fucking want is for some woman to sit down next to me and start yappin'.

I don't think that's unreasonable. Saké time is my time, you know? Stick a woman in the mix and it's her time, and I gotta sit there and listen to her yap 'til she either figures out I'm not interested and goes away, or else 'til I drink enough that what she's sayin' actually starts to get interesting.

Okay, so this one night, I was doin' exactly what I was just talkin' about—sittin' in this crummy tavern a couple streets down from the palace, drinkin' saké and tryin' not to think too much. Not about anythin' in particular. An' 'specially not about some stupid-ass flute-playin' kid disappearin' into muddy swirlin' water, his face still all calm an' peaceful even though the river was suckin' him under, swallowin' him up, the water flowin' into his nose, his ears, his mouth…

I shuddered and took another slug of saké. It was like fire goin' down, burnin' through that weird tightness in my throat an' makin' everything all warm an' hazy, 'til even the sound of rushing water faded away.

Yeah, that was better.

I was just liftin' the glass for another sip when this woman came an' sat herself down next to me.

Just what I fucking needed. Ya know, guys came to bars to get away from women, not to have 'em hangin' all over 'em when they were just tryin' to find some peace an'--

Oh, shit, wait a minute. I knew her. Fuck! It was that woman I saw when I was comin' in, the one who was havin' some stupid shouting match with this dumbshit bastard an' his wife. I didn't know what the fuck they'd been arguin' about an' I didn't care; I'd gotten the hell away from 'em as quick I could, grabbin' the table way on the other side of the bar so I wouldn't hafta listen to 'em bitch each other out.

Now the asshole an' his wife were gone--I had a vague memory of seein' 'em stomp out sometime between my fourth an' fifth saké--an' now that we were finally gettin' some peace an' quiet, here was this woman, parkin' her ass in my territory.

I shot her a look, wonderin' what the hell she thought she was doin'--but she looked just as surprised to see me as I was to see her. Guess she thought the dark table in the corner was empty. Think again, lady.

Anyway, so I figured now that she saw me there, sittin' in the near-dark an' clearly wantin' to be alone, she'd get the message an' find someplace else to sit. Ya'd think, right?

Instead, she turned this nasty glare on me. "If you don't mind," she said in this chilly voice, "I'd like to be alone."

The fuck?

"I ain't stoppin' ya, lady," I said, an' was real proud I was hardly slurrin' at all. "You wanna be alone, you can get the fuck away from my table."

"Your table," she spat. "And would you mind telling me just what it is that makes it your table? Do you own it? Or are you entitled to it just because you're a man, the gods' gift to existence?"

Okay, I mighta been a little fuzzy before, but now I was gettin' pissed off. I mean, I got a right to defend my territory. I got a right to do whatever I hafta to protect what's mine, even if it means fightin' some two-faced bastard who pretended to be a friend, somebody I'd shared some good times an' some laughs with. I did what I had to, dammit, an' if he fell in a river an' died, that was just too damn bad! I didn't feel bad about it at all--an' to prove that I didn't, I swallowed the lump in my throat an' went back to defendin' what was mine.

"Lady, it's this simple. I got here first, so this is my table. Ya don't like it, get the fuck out."

She shook her head, her lip curlin' up into this nasty snarl. "Always the same! It really doesn't matter to you, does it? You don't give a damn what the consequences are, or who's hurt by what you do! To you it's all perfectly acceptable, because you're a man and you must claim your rights of possession, even if it costs a life!"

I jumped. That hit too close to home—was she readin' my thoughts or somethin'? I took my first real good look at her, squintin' my eyes so they'd focus in the dim light.

She had this snaky black hair, all mussed up like she'd been on a galloping horse for the last couple hours. Her eyes were narrowed like she was lookin' into the distance, the dark circles underneath makin' 'em look overbright an' a little wild. Her hands kept clutchin' at each other while she muttered somethin' to herself under her breath--an' suddenly I realized that she looked like some kinda witch or somethin.'

Or maybe another fuckin' Kutou spy, droppin' in to fuck with our lives again. An' ya know somethin'? I'd had enough. I wasn't gonna take any more shit from anybody.

"Yeah, I'm a man, an' yeah, I'm gonna claim my rights. I don't give a shit about anybody who puts his life between me and what's mine to defend—an' if you don't like it, then go bitch to the asshole in charge."

I was talkin' about the barkeep to tell the truth, but she took it different.

"Right," she said, and lost her angry snarl, her mouth twistin' into a defeated kind of bitterness. "So who is the higher authority? Who is going to hear my cause? The Emperor? Our patron god? They're just as male as the rest of you. For heavens' sake, even the Suzaku Shichiseishi are all men!"

Even through the sake, I finally realized that she didn't have nothin' to do with Nakago or any of those Kutou shitheads. She had some other problem, prob'ley a boyfriend or maybe one of those stupid love triangle things. Yeah, that was prob'ley it, judgin' from the drama she was takin' part in earlier.

Anyway, so since she'd already screwed up my solitude, I figured what the hell, might as well talk to her. Who knew, maybe she'd even keep my mind offa shit.

"Of course the Suzaku seishi are all men," I said, bein' almost friendly now, leanin' back in my chair all chatty an' shit. "Protectin' the miko ain't easy. It's dangerous work."

She just looked at me for a sec. Then her eyes got real narrow. "Are you suggesting that women can't handle dangerous situations?"

I shrugged and downed the last of the saké. "I guess they could handle 'em if they had to. I mean, anything's possible. Like that dog a couple towns over that pulled all those people outta that burning house. He went right inta danger and came out okay, but ya think Suzaku's gonna start makin' dogs inta seishi now or somethin'?" I couldn't help laughin' at that, and it was a couple seconds before I figured out I was laughin' alone.

"Look," I continued, 'cause she was starin' at me like she thought she could glare a hole through the side of my head, "it ain't that I got somethin' against women. I don't. But ya gotta think practically. How's a woman gonna be dependable in battle when she's gotta look after the kids? I mean, her mind'd be stuck on what her kids were up to the whole time, and if she didn't have any yet…well, what the hell'd happen if she got one, huh? Ya think she's gonna be able to fight anybody like that? Hell, no. She'd be lucky if she could get outta fucking bed, let alone protect the miko. But with men, ya don't have that problem, so that's why the seishi're all men." I rubbed my arms, shivering a little. "Hey, did it get really fucking cold in here all of a sudden?"

I looked over at her--and realized she was givin' me the glare of death, like I'd insulted her or somethin.'

Oh. Maybe she thought I was puttin' women down. I hadda set her straight.

"Look, I'm not sayin' that a woman's s'posed to be able to do anything when she's pregnant. That's her man's job, to protect her an' the baby. She don't hafta do nothin' 'cept put her feet up, relax, and wait for the kid to come out."

"Is that so?" Her voice was light and friendly, but she had this weird glint in her eyes. Whatever. "So what about a pregnant woman who doesn't have a man to do the work for her?'

I leaned forward, tappin' the side of my nose knowledgeably. "Now I'm with ya on that. That's a real problem for the poor girl. It'd almost be better if the gods made it so that men carried the babies. At least they'd be able to defend the little shits. Like I said, a man defends what's his." I took another swallow of saké and grimaced. "Not that I'd wanna live in a world like that, but--"

"No, I think you might be right!" Her eyes were almost feverish with excitement now. "It could work," she muttered to herself. "It would be risky, but…if only for a little…it just might…"

Okay, I could see she was doin' her crazy lady bit again--an' I was startin' to get a headache, so I figured it was time to make my usual graceful exit. "Look," I said, real friendly. "You wanted the table, it's yours. I gotta go."

I got up off my chair and started for the door, but I didn't get more'n a few steps before she reached out an' laid her hands on my stomach, just for a second. I jumped back, swearin' and this close to reachin' for my tessen—I mean, shit, ya don't go coppin' a feel of a guy just 'cause he spent a few minutes' chattin' with ya. It don't mean he's fuckin' interested!

I spun back around to give her hell for it--an' right hand up to Suzaku, she was gone. Not a sign of her, like she fucking disappeared or somethin'.

Weird shit.

Anyway, so I tried not to think about her too much after that. I headed back to the palace and thought I'd maybe see if Nuriko or somebody was up for raidin' the Imperial wine cellar, but I stopped off at my chambers first. Sounds weird, but I was feelin' kinda…dirty, almost, after that damned woman stuck her hands on me, so I thought maybe I'd change my clothes before I headed out again.

It was right about then when things started goin' to hell.

I was standin' there by the closet, tryin' to get my shirt off—it was suddenly on a little too tight, which seemed kinda funny since it'd been fine when I put it on in the morning—and while I was wrestling with it, my hand brushed against my stomach…and somethin' there was very wrong. It was kinda…kinda swollen, and when I stuck my hands on it, it was like there was somethin' in there, somethin' that really fucking wasn't supposed to be there.

So, you know, I did what any brave warrior of Suzaku would do.

"CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHIIIIIIIIIRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Poof. Suddenly the guy was standin' right there in front of me, his mask off, blinking at me like he'd just got out of bed. And since he was standin' there with nothing on but an old pair of pants, I figured that's exactly where he'd been.

"Tasuki?" he said, lookin' around my room like he was gonna find a Kutou spy or somethin' skulkin' in the shadows. "What's wrong, no da?" And then he really looked at me for the first time, and his eye got real wide. "Tasuki, what—"

"I don't fucking know!" I barked. "Just get it outta me, will ya? Whatever the hell it is, however the hell that damned woman put it there, just get it outta me!"

He frowned at me. "What woman?"

"Iunno, some woman in a bar. Sat down next to me and went off on all this stuff against me and men and Suzaku, and then she put her damn hands on me and…does this really fucking matter? She was some kinda sorceress or somethin' and she put somethin' in me; now I'm tellin' you right now, either ya get it outta me or I'm gonna take a fucking knife to it! I mean it!"

"All right," Chichiri said, all calm even though he was still frowning at me. "Sit down and I'll see what I can do, no da."

I grumbled a little but did what he said, sittin' down on the edge of the bed. He followed me and knelt down on the floor, then reached up like he was gonna lift my shirt up.

"I can do it," I muttered, and wrestled the shirt up over my head. Once it was off, I couldn't put off lookin' at my stomach anymore, and what I saw there just about made me sick. It'd only been maybe two minutes since I'd looked at it before, but it'd gotten bigger since then; it was bulgin' out real bad now, all round and big like a fucking beer gut or something—only it was too big for a beer gut, and I was startin' to get really damned scared about what it did look like.

Chichiri, meanwhile, put his hands on my stomach and closed his eye, lookin' like he was concentrating real hard. Gettin' rid of whatever it was, I hoped. Finally, after a couple seconds of him sittin' there and me tryin' not to get too impatient, he pulled his hands back and opened his eye.

"Well?" I said, pretty confused by the weird look on his face. "Izzit gone?"

"No, it's not gone."

"WHAT? I thought you were gonna get rid of it!"

"Tasuki," Chichiri said, real serious, "there's something you need to know."

"The only thing I need to know is how long it's gonna take you to get rid of it!"

"I…I'm not sure that I should get rid of it."

"That better be a fucking joke."

"Tasuki…"

But before he could get any further than that, the door flew open and there was Nuriko, wearin' that damned nightgown of his and lookin' ready for a fight. He just stood there for a couple seconds, breathin' hard and glancin' around the room, and then he seemed to get that nobody was attacking and put down his fists.

"What's going on? I heard a scream."

"I didn't scream," I growled, wishing I'd kept my shirt on. "I yelled. There's a fucking difference."

Coming a little farther into the room, Nuriko all of a sudden frowned at me. "Ne, what's wrong with your stomach?"

I grabbed a pillow off the bed and stuck it in front of me. "Nothin'."

Chichiri sighed. "Close the door, Nuriko."

Nuriko did what he said, and when the door was closed, Chichiri motioned for him to sit down on the bed. He did, givin' me and my pillow weird looks the whole time, and then Chichiri crossed his arms and spent a little while lookin' like he was trying to figure out how to say somethin'. Meanwhile, I was gettin pretty fucking impatient. I mean, here I was, stuck with some damn spell on me that might be eatin' up my insides, and Chichiri wanted to sit around and chat.

Finally, he took a deep breath and looked at me. "Listen, Tasuki, there's no easy way to tell you this."

My eyes went wide. Oh, shit, that didn't sound good. "What're ya sayin', 'Chiri?" I asked a little shakily.

"We'll need to consult Mitsukake about this to be sure, but…even if I could get rid of what's inside you, I don't think I should."

Nuriko gave a surprised cough. "What's inside him?"

"Hai. Apparently Tasuki met a sorceress in a bar tonight, and she placed some sort of spell on him."

"A spell to put something in him?" Nuriko said incredulously. "Why would anyone do that?"

"Hard to say, no da. Though Tasuki did say that she was apparently speaking out against Suzaku before casting the spell, so perhaps she was an agent of Kutou, or possibly—"

"IUNCARE WHERE SHE FUCKING CAME FROM!" I roared, gettin' the feeling I was being forgotten. "I just wanna know what she did to me! C'mon, 'Chiri, what're ya tellin' me here? "

Chichiri looked me straight in the eye. "I'm telling you that you're pregnant, no da."

I blinked.

And then I laughed, though it came out sounding kinda shaky. "Real funny. Now seriously, what's wrong with me?"

"I'm entirely serious. Whatever spell was cast on you, it altered your physiology enough to enable you to bear children. You're pregnant."

"STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT! I ain't pregnant. Women get pregnant. I'm a fucking guy!"

Nuriko put a finger to his lips. "Ano…what do you mean, altered his physiology?"

My eyes got really wide. "Oh, shit. What does that mean? Huh? 'Chiri?"

"Tasuki," Chichiri said patiently, "you're pregnant. You know that wouldn't be possible if there hadn't been certain…changes made to your body to accommodate it, no da."

"Changes?" I squeaked.

I should look, I thought. See how bad it was. See if…if anything was…missing. But instead I fell back on the bed and closed my eyes.

"This is like a fucking nightmare," I moaned. "I need a drink."

Nuriko smacked me on the side of the head.

"OWW! What the hell'd you do that for?"

"Baaaaaaka. You can't drink. You're—" He cleared his throat. "—expecting now, and alcohol isn't good for the baby."

I looked over at Chichiri, but he just gave me a sad kind of nod.

No alcohol. And a…a baby, growing inside of me, wanting to come out eventually…

"I'm goin' to sleep," I mumbled, pressing the pillow over my face. "And when I wake up, this is all gonna be a bad dream."

"I realize this is difficult to accept, no da…"

"No, it's not, 'cause I'm not accepting it. I can't have a fucking baby. It's crazy."

"So is Miaka eating all that food and not getting fat, but that's true," Nuriko offered.

I scowled, even though he couldn't see my face under the pillow. "You're not helpin'."

"Tasuki," Chichiri said, and he sounded so fucking patient I wanted to hit him, "this isn't going to go away just because you want it to. You really need to see Mitsukake about it, no da."

I was startin' to feel a little light-headed, so I pulled the pillow off my face and sat up—which took a lot more effort than it should've. "Hell no. Nobody else finds out about this, you understand? Nobody."

Nuriko raised an eyebrow. "What are you going to tell them? That you just suddenly put on a lot of weight?"

"I'm not gonna tell 'em anything. I'm gonna stay here in my room 'til this thing goes away, and you can tell 'em that I'm…that I'm sick. I don't want none of them findin' out about this, got it, Nuriko?"

"I think they might figure it out when you go into labor in a couple months."

"I'm not goin' into fucking la-- Months?"

"You didn't think babies just popped out after a couple days, did you? It takes time."

"But months? I can't fucking sit here for months!"

"Actually," Chichiri said, " at the rate this pregnancy is progressing, I would guess it won't take anywhere near as long as a natural pregnancy."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "There," I said to Nuriko, "ya see?"

"It's far more likely that Tasuki will go into labor sometime over the next few days, no da."

"NEXT FEW DAYS? Are you fucking telling me that I'm gonna have ta push out some damned little brat in a couple'a days?"

"I'd say that at this rate, it's extremely likely, no da." I suddenly got the impression that Chichiri was starin' right through me, and couldn't help squirmin' a little bit. "We can take you to Mitsukake in the morning to see if he has a different opinion, no da."

I crossed my arms and wished like hell for a drink. "Yeah, arright," I grumbled.

Chichiri nodded, and I gave him my best scowl. Fucking know-it-all. "Nuriko and I will leave you, then, no da. Get some rest. I'll be by first thing tomorrow morning to—"

"Yeah, yeah, to take me to see Mits; I get it."

After Chichiri and Nuriko cleared out, I lay there on my bed for awhile, starin' at the ceiling and wondering how the hell things had gone so wrong. Then I got up, put on a shirt and a heavy overcoat and headed outside. Lyin' there whining wasn't gonna do a damned thing, after all; what this situation called for was some action. She might be a fucking sorceress, but I was gonna track her down if it was the last thing I did. There ain't much I can't do when I'm motivated, and lemme tell ya, there is nothin' motivating like finding out some woman's gone and 'altered' you so you can have a fucking baby.

Anyway, so I started lookin' for her in that same bar. I didn't think I'd really find her there—she'd have to be pretty dumb to head back there when I was lookin' for her—but it seemed like as good a place as any to start. I was hopin' somebody would know her, or know where I could find her, but damn it if none of 'em even remembered seein' her in the bar. Like I fucking hallucinated her or something.

I was kinda stuck on what to do after that—I mean, where the hell do ya look for a sorceress? I'd just about made up my mind to head back to the palace and give up for the night when the door to the bar swung open…and in walked my favorite guy in the whole damned world.

Tamafuckinghome.

To Be Continued…

A Final Note:

As mentioned on my author bio page, I'm turning over a new leaf with this story, in that it is already completed. (I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock.) But yes, it's true. "Expecting" is finished and waiting patiently on my hard drive, so you can expect to see a new chapter every week or week and a half, depending on time constraints and my last run-through of editing on the chapters. Until then, I'd love to hear what you think of the story so far. So, until next time--adieu!

Shunyata Ryuen