-4-

"Looks like we're still in Konan," Tama whispered.

We were hidin' out behind a stack of crates on the dock, waitin' for the way to clear enough for us to get by. A bunch a' guys were millin' around out there, loadin' crates and stuff onto the ships—but none of 'em had noticed yet that the slavers' ship was smoking, prob'ley 'cause they were mostly workin' with their backs to it. Still, I figured it wouldn't be long before somebody noticed, or the fire got out of control enough that ya couldn't ignore it, and then Tama and me could slip away in the confusion. 'Til then, though, we were pretty much stuck where we were.

"Yeah," I whispered back, "but where in fucking Konan?"

Tama was sittin' real close to me, since there wasn't much room behind the crates. His breath tickled my ear when he answered. "Once it's safe to move, we can go ask someone. There's probably an inn nearby, and I'm sure they're used to giving directions to travelers."

I felt his eyes on me for a long time after that, and finally twisted around to glare at him. "Ya got somethin' to say?"

He got this little stain of color in his cheeks and looked away. "I was just wondering…if you were all right."

"I'm fine," I muttered, takin' another look around the dock so I wouldn't hafta see that damned concerned look in his eyes. "Fuckin' A-OK."

After awhile, though, I glanced back at him, tryin' to bite back the words but not quite makin' it. "Are you okay? You, uh…ya went a little crazy back there, huh, Tama? Made me real fuckin' glad we're on the same side."

Tama's jaw clenched. "I couldn't let him do that to you," he said in a low voice. "It's bad enough that he…touched you like that, but if he…if he'd done anything more than that, I…I don't know what I would've—"

"Hey, take it easy," I said quietly, 'cause his voice was gettin' louder an' I sure as shit didn't want the dock workers to hear. "Look, it's over, okay? Ya did it. Ya got me outta there, and wiped that smug-ass grin off that bastard's face for good. "

He shook his head, still lookin' pale. "I just keep thinking about what you said before. About fighting your hardest but it just…not being enough." He looked over at me. "That could've been one of those times. You know that, don't you? That could've been one of those times when it just wasn't enough, and you would've been…he would've…"

Raped me. That's what you're chokin' on, isn't it, Tama?

He woulda raped me.

I tried not to shudder, but I couldn't help it. He was right. It'd been a damn close thing back there, an' the truth was, I was still feelin' pretty shaky about it.

But nothing happened, goddammit, so there was no fucking reason for me to feel like somethin' did! Right?

Only I couldn't seem to get the stink of his hands off my skin, or that fucking nasty breath outta my nose. It was like… I mean, I knew that it was over an' he was dead, but it was like he was still there somehow, still leanin' over me and pullin' at my clothes and shovin' his fucking nasty tongue down my throat…

I buried my face in my hands, shakin' so hard that it prob'ley looked like I was cryin' even though I actually fucking wasn't for once.

It just kept runnin' through my head, what that bastard'd tried to do to me—how easy it'd been for him to do it. An' why? 'Cause I was a girl, 'cause I had all those parts that nasty guys like him just couldn't get enough of. Maybe even if I was my usual self, I couldn't a' took that guy when he pulled his knife…but he woulda just kicked me around a little, shown me who was boss. I'd a' been bruised all over, but that'd be all. He wouldn't'a touched me like that, like he had a fucking right to just 'cause he was a guy and I wasn't.

Thinkin' about that, I could feel myself startin' to get pissed—an' that was good, 'cause I'd rather be pissed anyday than scared. An' as I started comin' back to myself, lettin' my anger clean off the filth that guy'd left on me, I realized that somethin' wasn't quite right. I was kinda…tilted, an' it was suddenly a whole lot warmer…

I opened my eyes, an' fuck me if I didn't have my face buried in Tama's fucking chest. His arms were wrapped around me, holdin' me real tight against him, an' I could hear him murmurin' all sorts a' dumb-ass comforting words in my ear. An' his fucking hand was in my fucking hair, smoothin' it back like I was his goddamn fucking pet.

I started shakin' again, this time for a real different reason.

"Tama," I said in a low, you're dead-fucking-meat kinda voice. "Get off."

His hand quit movin' in my hair. "What?"

I took a real deep breath, and managed to holler at him without raisin' my voice above a whisper: "Get…the fuck…offa me! NOW!"

He did, lettin' go a' me so quick I just about fell over. After I got back my balance, I looked over at him, ready to tear his fucking head off—but the words just kinda dried up in my throat, 'cause his face was all red an' he couldn't seem to bring himself to look at me, an' I all of a sudden noticed that it was kinda cold out here an' it really hadn't been all that bad to be pressed up so close to him—

GAAAHHHHHHH, get a fucking grip!

"Um," Tama said, still not lookin' at me—but that was okay, 'cause I wasn't lookin' at him either. "S…Sorry. Habit."

Thank Suzaku, before I had to figure out what to say, somebody hollered, "FIRE!" an' just like that, guys were runnin' all over the place, scramblin' for buckets of water before the fire got out of control.

Good fucking luck, I thought. It was all over the ship by now, creepin' up the sails and sending this huge black cloud billowing up into the sky. No way a couple splashes of water were gonna stop it.

Anyway, so Tama an' me started creepin' from hiding place to hiding place, gettin' farther and farther away from the slavers' ship. Then when we were far enough away, we walked right out into the crowd, got off that damned dock, an' started makin' our way through the streets. There, at least, we could relax a little, 'cause there was this whole crowd of townspeople wanderin' around, doin' their shopping or goin' to work or whatever. Tama an' me got a bunch a' weird looks, prob'ley 'cause I was dressed like a guy but had this huge fucking stomach, an' after awhile I figured out, with a sick feeling in my gut, just what it was that we were gonna hafta do.

"Tama," I said, an' we slowed to a stop, "this is no good. Too many people're noticin' us. If those bastards come askin' around, it won't be too fucking hard for 'em to find somebody who spotted us." I drew a deep breath; I could only get the next part out through gritted teeth. "We're gonna hafta get disguises."

Tama frowned at me, like he knew what I was thinkin' but didn't wanna risk gettin' his head thwapped off for bein' wrong. "What kind of disguises?" he asked cautiously.

I sighed. "Arright, look, as long as I got this kid in me, there ain't no way anybody's gonna buy me as a guy. An' as long as they're not buyin' me as a guy, we're gonna get noticed wherever the fuck we go. So…we gotta…we gotta make me look more like a girl."

Shit, just sayin' those words left a bad taste in my mouth. But hell, it had to be done, an' I was man enough (so to speak) to admit it, even if I wasn't too fucking thrilled about doin' it.

Tama, goddamn him, looked for a second like he might laugh, but he didn't.

Good thing, too, 'cause I'd a' killed him, an' I wasn't so sure I could get back to the palace by myself.

"All right," he said instead, an' looked around for a second. "That house over there has some clothes hanging on the laundry line that we could use. Come on."

I dug my heels into the ground. "Are you fucking kidding? I ain't wearin' that!"

"Tasuki…"

"I AIN'T WEARIN' THAT! You like pink ruffles so much, you fuckin' wear 'em!"

"All right, all right," he said, and there was this hint of laughter in his voice. "We probably shouldn't wear anything that flashy, anyway."

I rolled my eyes. We, he says. Before I was through bein' pissed at him, I spotted another one of those convenient, unattended laundry lines and nudged him with my elbow. "There, that's more like it. C'mon."

After a little sneakin' around and a quick change behind somebody's stables, Tama an' me ended up in our new clothes—or, well, my new clothes and his new cloak. An' ya know, I woulda jumped into the ocean before I'd have admitted it, but the thing was pretty comfortable. Yeah, okay, so it was a dress—but it didn't have no fucking lace or little pink flowers or anything, so don't get the wrong idea! It was just a plain grey dress with this little bit of gold trim on the sleeves and the collar. It fit nice and loose on me, which was a damn good thing considerin' my stomach, an' Iunno, I kinda liked the way it swished around my legs when I walked.

N-Not that I wouldn't be damned glad when I could get back into a pair a' pants, o'course! But as long as I was stuck in a dress, at least I wasn't gonna be miserable, right?

Anyway, so besides the dress, there were these nice heavy cloaks hangin' there on the line, an' since the weather was turnin' kinda chilly, Tama an' me grabbed those, too. Turned out to be a damned good thing, 'cause after we got our directions and started the long fucking trip back to Eiyo, the sky opened up and dumped about half an ocean's worth a' water on our heads. The cloaks were real thick and warm, an' they kept the rain off pretty good—at first, anyway. After about twenty minutes of non-stop fucking downpour, the fabric was soaked through, and Tama and me were fucking drenched.

"Tasuki," he said after awhile, shoutin' over the sound of the rain, "let's go back to that village! We need to get out of this rain!"

"No fucking way!" I shouted back. The road we were marchin' on was so damned muddy that my boots sank down about a half inch every time I took a step. "If ya don't think those slavers are gonna be lookin' for us after we torched their ship, you're fucking nuts! We gotta get as far away from there as we—"

Before I could finish the sentence, my foot got stuck so deep in the mud that I lost my balance and pitched forward, and prob'ley woulda landed right on my stomach if not for Tama gettin' in front of me just in time.

I couldn't help glarin' at him while he helped me get my balance back. I was wet, I was cold, I was pregnant, an' no matter what I did, it seemed like this guy had to keep on fucking saving me. An' even though I kept tryin' to act like nothin' was different, like I was still the same old Tasuki, I sure as shit didn't feel like it.

I mean, I couldn't fight, I couldn't use my seishi speed—I could hardly fucking walk, for Suzaku's sake, an' I was finally startin' to realize just how helpless I really was. An' there was Tama, takin' all the shit I could throw at him an' still helpin' me out when I needed it, still catchin' me when I was about to get a face full of mud, an' I shoulda been damn grateful to him for that but all I could think about was how much I fucking hated needing the help!

"Hey." It was Tama's voice, real soft. I opened my eyes an' he was standin' right there in front of me, peerin' into my face. The rain was sliding down his cheeks and drippin' off the end of his chin, an' I didn't figure out that I was cryin' 'til he reached up and brushed my tears away with his thumb. Like that was gonna do any good with the rain still pourin' down on us.

An' hey, what the fuck did he think he was doin', anyway? Didn't he learn his lesson back on the dock?

But maybe that was just how he was, offerin' comfort to whoever needed it, even if it'd prob'ley guarantee him a mouthful of fist after. He just couldn't fucking help himself…an' I was suddenly havin' a hard time gettin' angry at him for it.

"This is no good," he said after a few seconds. "You shouldn't be out in this weather, much less walking in it." An' before I knew what was goin' on, he took me by the wrist and led me off the road, then into the woods that ran along the side. Under the trees, the rain wasn't comin' down so hard, makin' bein' outside in that damned storm almost bearable.

"Wait here," Tama said, all determined again. "I'll be back soon." An' he turned around like he was gonna leave.

I snagged the back of his coat. "Wait here?" I echoed, an' ya know all that wonderful understanding I was havin' for Tama a minute earlier? Yeah, that was gone. Wait here, he says. No explanation, like I'm too fucking delicate to understand—and what the hell's he think, I'm gonna sit here and knit fucking booties in the rain while he goes runnin' off to do whatever-the-hell he's thinkin' about doin'?

Just like that, I was back. No more a' this whiny crybaby shit—oh, poor fucking me, it's raining an' I'm un-com-fort-able. Fuck.

"Arright, that's it," I snarled. "I'm done with this shit, ya hear me, Tama? Yeah, so I'm pretty fucking useless right now, but that don't make me any less me, ya got it? From now on, yer gonna start treatin' me like I'm yer equal—like I'm a fucking Suzaku shichiseishi, 'cause I am—an' that means no more a' this shit where you make all the decisions without even fucking asking me just 'cause you're the fucking guy! Just 'cause I can't do all the shit I useta be able to do don't mean that you're in charge! YA GOT IT?"

Tama's eyes were real wide, an' I was pretty damn sure Miaka'd never said anythin' like that to him. "Y…Yeah," he managed.

"Good. Now where the fuck do ya think yer goin'?"

"I-I…I was going to go find…horses, or a wagon. So you won't have to walk."

I nodded. "Okay. Let's get goin'."

"Tasuki, you really shouldn't—"

"Well, too bad, 'cause I am! Anyway, you're shit at stealin' stuff, an' I'm a fucking bandit. Yer gonna need me if ya wanna do this right."

An' before he could start tellin' me to wait there again, I stalked outta the woods and back onto the road, an' yeah, it was still muddy, an' yeah, the rain was still pourin' down, but I was different, so it was okay. Sure, this was gonna be hard, maybe the hardest thing I ever did, but hell if I was gonna go hide in the fucking corner while Tama did all the work.

Anyway, so since it was rainin' so hard, stealin' ourselves a horse an' cart turned out to be pretty easy. Nobody was out watchin' the thing, so we just hopped in and took off. I could tell Tama was feelin' pretty guilty about takin' it, but too damn bad. If he felt so terrible about it, he could come back someday an' give the owner some of his precious o-ka-ne, but until then, it was ours an' that was that.

An' ya know, it really was a lot nicer, bein' outta the rain and not havin' to slog through the mud. The cart wasn't too big, but there was a canopy strung up over it that kept out the rain. Tama wanted me to lie down in the back, but one nasty glare an' he got the idea I wasn't too fond of that suggestion. Anyway, so we both rode up front, an' 'cause I felt a little bad about bitin' his head off, I let him drive even though I coulda done it myself. An' yeah, we were both still soaked through and freezing, but at least we weren't getting any wetter, an' even though the cart was movin' real slow through the mud, at least we didn't have to fucking walk.

We'd been drivin' for awhile, me lookin' out at the scenery (mud, trees, an' more mud) an' Tama starin' at the road like it was fucking fascinating, when all of a sudden he cleared his throat an' mumbled somethin'.

When I looked over at him, his jaw was real tight an' he was still starin' at the road.

"What?"

He glanced at me, an' I saw there was this hint of color in his cheeks.

"I said…I didn't mean to make you feel like that."

What the fuck was he talkin' about?

"Like…you're not my equal." He gave a short, weak kind of laugh. "I guess I'm just not used to this, you know? I'm used to having people depending on me. I'm used to being…strong for people; protecting them. It's easy for me to take charge and be the older brother, the parent—but being…partners? Equals? I don't know how to do that. But I…I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry, and I'll try to be better."

Shit. He really felt bad about it, didn't he?

Well, good! part of me thought. Serves him right, treatin' me like some helpless fucking little girl!

But then I thought about him bustin' through those bars an' savin' my ass from that pervert slaver. I thought about him sayin' I couldn't let him do that to you, an' about how he'd been by my side through this whole fucking mess, sticking by me and helpin' me out when other guys woulda run for the hills. I thought about where I'd be without Tama, an' how much worse this whole thing woulda been if I was by myself.

Suddenly I felt kind of…warm, an' when Tama finally turned his head to look at me, I didn't look away.

"Look," I said quietly. "I know it don't always seem like it, but…I'm glad you're here." I shifted in my seat, facin' front again. "An' shit, I know how much of a pain in the ass all this is. I mean, I'm sure this ain't how ya planned on spendin' your days before Hokkan, draggin' my pregnant ass all over the fucking countryside. I'm sure ya'd rather be hangin' around with Miaka back at the palace than stuck out here with me."

Shit, what was I sayin'?

"I-I mean, of course ya'd rather be hangin' around with Miaka," I recovered, givin' a little laugh like I didn't give a shit. "Fuck, who wouldn't rather be sittin' all nice an' cozy at the palace with her 'stead a' stuck out here in the fucking rain with some freak a' nature pregnant bandit?"

This just wasn't comin' out right. I cleared my throat an' opened my mouth ta try again, but Tama cut in before I could.

"Tasuki," he said in a soft voice, an' even though he was starin' at the road an' not at me, I was still havin' trouble lookin' at him, an' was almost…scared of what might come outta his mouth next.

Fuck, what the hell was wrong with me? My palms were all sweaty an' my stomach was turnin' fucking cartwheels, an' all 'cause a' what Tamafuckingstupidasshome might say? What the hell did I care what he thought? What the hell did I care if he couldn't wait to get back to Eiyo and Miaka so he could forget this whole fucked up mess ever happened? I mean, it wasn't like I asked him to come along, like I said, Hey, Tama, ya wanna come get kidnapped by slavers an' spend a couple a' days marchin' through the mud with me? Shit, no. Hell, I wouldn't even be in this mess if not for him, 'cause it was me tryin' to get away from him that riled up those slavers in the first place—so really, it was his own damn fault he was here, not fucking mine!

Goin' through my little piss-ass monologue, I pretty much forgot about Tama sittin' there, an' so the sound of his voice was enough to startle my thoughts into shuttin' up for a sec.

"I think," he said slowly, "that this time away from Miaka is a good thing."

Huh?

"Huh?"

He glanced at me, then right away went back to lookin' at the road, his eyes kinda downcast. "I don't know when it happened," he said quietly, "but somewhere along the line, Miaka became…everything to me. I've done things for her that I would never have dreamed of doing for anyone, and when she went back to her world, I…I shut down. It was like without her, I wasn't complete." He was quiet for a second. "I asked her to marry me. Did you know that?"

I shook my head, realizing that I was starin' at him but havin' a hard time looking away.

"She turned me down," he went on softly. "Later, I realized it was because of what Taiitsukun said to her, but…even so, it made me think. Everything I've done for so long has been for her—to protect her, to keep her near me. But when she turned me down, suddenly I had to think about things—about who I am without her, and what my life will be like if we…can't be together." His voice all of a sudden got harder, firmer, like he was tryin' to convince himself more than me. "I can't let my life revolve around her. No matter how much I love her, I have my family to think about, and I can't afford to let Miaka be my whole life, not when they're depending on me. So I think…I think that this time away is a good thing, because it's letting me remember who I am without her, and that I am someone when she's not with me."

He looked over at me, starin' me straight in the eye. "And…I'm glad I'm here with you. I know you don't like me much, and I don't blame you. And I know that I'm probably the last person you'd want to have with you at a time like this…but I'm still glad I'm here."

I just stared at him for a couple seconds after that, all this feeling wellin' up in my chest. Finally, I reached out an' kinda…punched him on the arm, not hard or anything, just enough to let him know that even if I couldn't put it into words, I was grateful. Only once my hand was there, I didn't wanna take it back right away, so I let it rest there for a second—an' Tama reached over and wrapped his hand over it, givin' my fingers a gentle squeeze like he understood what I was tryin' to say. His hand was real warm against my skin, an' I suddenly felt…safe. Like somehow things were gonna turn out okay, 'cause Tama was here watchin' my back.

An' then the cart hit this big fucking rock in the road an' we jolted apart, Tama grabbin' the reins an' me hangin' onto the edges of my seat, tryin' not to fall off.

After he got the cart steadied, we both just kinda sat there, not talkin' and not really lookin' at each other. After awhile, I turned so I could stare out at the mud and trees again, an' it was awhile before I realized that one of my hands was wrapped over the other one, almost like it was tryin' to keep the warmth of Tama's hand from fading away.

I thought about that for a minute, about what it might mean. An' then I pulled my hands away from each other an' went back to lookin' at the scenery. 'Cause ya know, there are some things that ya just shouldn't even think about—some things that are so fucking stupid and insane that it's better not to even let 'em come into your head, to just ignore 'em an' wait for 'em to go away.

I was sure they'd be goin' away any second now.

To Be Continued…

Notes: The usual Godzilla-sized thanks to the reviewers: Daluci, Whitney-chan2005, Skittles1, Everqueen, Kei-chan1 (waves madly), aderine no miko, Emmi-chan (happy birthday a day early, by the way!), Aenisses Thai, x Belles Reminisce, fluffy-sama's worshiper, Roku kyu (who, again, selflessly doubled as beta reader for this chapter), and Shinyaa. Thanks, all of you, for your feedback!

And now, a preview of chapter five, scheduled to be posted next Monday, May 16!

Chapter Five: The River

For almost three full seconds after he went under, I just stood there, gasping like I couldn't get enough air and starin' down at the spot where he'd vanished. Tama was down there. Tama was down there in the water, in the river, an' the current was so fucking strong that even a guy like him might not be able to fight it. If he was even still conscious, which was lookin' less and less likely with every second he stayed under.

And what the fuck was I doin', just standin' here? I had to do something!

Shunyata Ryuen