Frustration has kept me from updating for a while. I had the whole stinking chapter written out and it was the best so far, and then I cleaned my room and I think I accidentally threw it away, grrr. I bet I'll find it when I've updated the story from memory 'cuz I'm unlucky like that. Oh, and thanks to SNG for the 'Mad Hyuuga Skills' idea.

Survivor: The Lost Naruto Tapes

Chapter 4: Kankurou's Cooking and the Hyuuga's Hair

Kiba hid in the bushes outside Neji's tent about to make his move. He heard a rustling sound nearby and crouched down to hide again. He saw Itachi go into Neji's tent.

Gee, I wonder what Itachi's doing in Neji's tent… Oh crap bad mental images!

Ten minutes later, Itachi crept out of Neji's tent looking extremely satisfied. Kiba (who didn't know he had only watched Neji sleep) shuddered and was left wondering. He waited until the coast was clear and then crab-walked to Neji's tent while humming the Mission Impossible theme.

He stood over the sleeping Neji (who looked so innocent with his long shiny hair spread around him) and grinned evilly. He raised his scissors to Neji's hair and… Beep This portion of the fanfic has been censored for its shocking nature by FIB (Fanfiction Investigation Bureau). We will continue spouting official-sounding crap until the author is finished describing said shocking events, which should be about… now. We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

Kiba looked back at the now almost bald Neji and left the tent with a smile.

The next morning at breakfast (oh joy, coconuts…), Kiba (who had been telling everyone to look at Neji) took one look at Neji and absolutely freaked out.

"WHAT THE F?" yelled Kiba staring at Neji's long hair.

"What, my hair?" asked Neji. "Oh, yeah, it grew back thanks to my Mad Hyuuga Skill and a little help from my special Herbal Essence conditioner." (Herbal Essence was the first conditioner that popped into my head)

"YOU LYING BASTARD!" yelled Kiba furiously sounding a lot like Naruto. "THAT'S A FREAKING WIG, ISN'T IT!" He then jumped onto Neji's head and attempted to yank the 'wig' off.

"Leave Neji-kun alone!" shouted Itachi who punched Kiba in the face though Kiba miraculously managed to hold onto Neji's head.

"….Meep? Uhhh… was that my fault?" asked Neji whose voice was slightly muffled by Kiba's butt and indicating the gay-man-I-shall-slap-you-girlishly fight between Itachi and Kiba.

Gaara rolled his eyes at the fighting idiots and tried in vain to ignore Kankurou who was poking him incessantly to get his attention. Finally he could stand it no longer.

"What?" snapped Gaara annoyed.

"Well, Gaara… Aren't you sick of coconuts for every meal? Doesn't it get old? Maybe you could ummm ask Temari to cook different food." Kankurou suggested. "She always liked you better than me anyway…" he muttered under his breath.

"Oh just do it yourself," Gaara muttered. He thrust a large book called Cooking Gourmet Coconut Dishes For Bakas at Kankurou.

"Awww, man!" grumbled Kankurou. "Where'd you get this anyway?"

Gaara looked sheepish. "Oh, uh, just a bit of light reading, y'know?"

"Fine, but if I cook, then you've gotta fish."

"No way, Kankurou, you do it!"

"You do it!"

"YOU FISH!"

"No, I'LL FISH, Gaara!"

"NO I WILL! … Darn it…" muttered Gaara who glared daggers at Kankurou when he handed him Fishing For Bakas.

After the daily challenge, a game of beach volleyball in which Hinata was voted off (Neji: "One Hyuuga is enough for this island thank-you-very-much!"), Gaara headed sullenly to the beach with a fishing rod. He waited for ten minutes until a fish swam by.

"A FISH!" yelled Gaara and then sighed with disappointment when it swam away.

Gaara, do you want to know why you cannot catch a fish? Asked Shukaku. It's because you're not getting into character. You know you have to look the part.

Five minutes later Gaara reappeared dressed like those guys on fishing shows in knee high rubber boots tucked into khaki pants, a blue waterproof vest, and worst of all a khaki hat with fishing lures hanging decoratively from the brim. The surprising thing however is that by the end of an hour he had caught enough fish for everyone at camp.

When he returned and gave Kankurou the fish, Kankurou hurriedly shoved him away muttering about working in peace. After twenty minutes, Kankurou brought the fish out on a tray while wearing an apron and asked in an incredibly squeaky voice who wanted fish puffs. Kiba snuck off to Kankurou's tent to play a trick on him while everyone else ate dinner. When Kankurou went to bed that night, he would find the My Little Pony Kiba had put on his pillow and name it Rainbow Stardancer The 48th and put it with all the other Rainbow Stardancer ponies in his collection.

Then Kiba snuck to Neji's tent. He found Neji's Herbal Essence conditioner and poured it out in a bush and then refilled it with a substance from a mysterious bottle which he then threw into the jungle.

Later that night, Gaara found the bottle and read the label. It said:

Nair Hair Remover:

May cause hair loss (duh), itchy scalp, burning rash, death in small rodents with mental disorders, and temporary insanity in those with the rare byakuugan ability

Ok, that's the end of this chapter. Did anyone else notice that this fanfic doesn't really focus on Shikamaru like I planned that it would? Hmmm…weird. Oh well.