-7-

The first thing I noticed, wakin' up, was that I was warm. That wasn't too unusual, but it was the kind of warmth that made it different—like it wasn't just comin' from the outside, but from inside of me, too. I could hear the rain hittin' the roof, pattering out a quick rhythm like a drum beat, an' the stable smelled damp and a little smoky, enough like a cooking fire to get my stomach growling. Shit, when was the last time I ate anything? I opened my eyes, thinkin' I'd scout around for somethin' edible, but I didn't hafta look far. An old iron pot was rigged over the fire, an' now that I focused, I could just catch a whiff of somethin' that smelled like…food.

And as long as I was noticin' stuff, there was the little matter of my dress hangin' up by the fire, all wet like it'd been scrubbed but still lookin' pretty filthy. My brain musta been workin' pretty slow, 'cause I stared at it for awhile before I figured out that if it was over there, then what the hell was I wearin'?

I took a quick peek under the blanket.

Yep, nothin'. Just me an' my skin. Which, I noticed, had lost that layer of grime and sweat and blood, and now was smellin' clean and kinda horsey.

Okay. Okay. So after I was asleep, Tama got Yu-chan outta my arms, undressed me, cleaned me up, an' then put the blanket an' baby back where they belonged.

Huh.

Well, it was a little late to be feelin' all shy an' embarrassed now.

Bein' careful not to move too much an' wake Yu-chan, I glanced around for Tama, but didn't see him anywhere. An old, moth-eaten blanket was spread on the floor next to me, so I figured he'd at least gotten some sleep last night—but where he was now, I didn't have a clue. Which was prob'ley a good thing, 'cause my body was makin' it pretty clear that there were other things to take care of before I worried about food. Urgent things.

I still wasn't real anxious to let go of Yu-chan, but it didn't seem like I had a hell of a lot of options. So after gettin' the blanket wrapped around me, I went over an' lowered her real gently into her manger-turned-crib, smilin' a little at the care Tama'd put into makin' it. I started lookin' around for a bucket or somethin' then, but while I was lookin', I spotted this pile of clothes folded up on an old stool.

My clothes. The one I'd been wearin' before all this shit went down, just a few days ago.

Shit, it was like lookin' at somethin' from another life. Before I knew it, I was standin' there runnin' my fingers over the fabric, like I wasn't sure it was real, like maybe it'd vanish if I took my eyes off it. When it was still there after a couple seconds, I dropped the blanket an' got dressed. I was just fastenin' the last buckle on the tunic when the stable door swung open an' Tama stepped inside.

He was soakin' wet from the rain, his face all flushed with cold an' his arms filled up with firewood. It was a sec before he saw me standin' there, but when he did, it was like somebody socked him in the stomach or somethin'. His eyes went wide an' he just stared at me for a long time, an' I couldn't help wonderin' a little self-consciously just what he was thinkin'. I mean, whatever clothes I was wearin', I was still me—I was still Tasuki. But for all I knew, Tama'd come in here expectin' to find that straggly-haired girl with the baby who'd been here when he left, an' what he got instead was me. Still technically a girl, still lookin' like I had a fucking rat's nest on my head, but…different, now.

Then the shock or whatever wore off an' Tama smiled at me, same as always, an' I hated that I felt so relieved when he did. "Good, you're up. How are you feeling?"

Good fucking question, I thought. "Sore," I finally settled on, 'cause it was true. "Look, I gotta take a piss. Can you watch Yu-chan?"

While I was talkin', he came the rest of the way in an' set down the pile of wood, leavin' it by the fire to dry out. "Sure, I can watch her," he said. Then he glanced over at me, an' that concerned look was back in his eyes. "Are you sure you feel up to going out there? It's still raining, and it's pretty chilly."

I stared at him for a sec. "Tama," I said finally, "in the last couple days, I've been kidnapped, attacked, knocked out, rained on, an' hadda drag your ass out of a fucking river—not to mention that I spent mosta last night pushin' a baby out of a hole about this big. I think I can handle takin' a piss." I was all ready for that to be my exit line, but somethin' stopped me before I got to the door, an' I glanced back over at him. "But, uh…thanks for askin'."

Then, before my face could get any redder, I pulled open the door an' went outside.

It was chilly out there, but I hadda admit it felt good. I was still hurtin' from last night—no fucking kidding, right?—an' after bein' sick an' in so much pain, the cool air on my face was real refreshing. Woke me the rest of the way up an' made me feel a little bit more human. The rain felt good, too, but hearin' it sloshin' around sure wasn't doin' my bladder any favors. Groanin' a little, I hurried on over to the nearest tree an' reached down—

—before I remembered that just 'cause I had on the right clothes, that didn't mean everything else was back to normal. With a sigh, I went into the ultimate humiliation of the squat, an' let loose with a stream that coulda flooded half a' Konan. It stung a little, prob'ley 'cause, oh yeah, just fucking had a baby, but it wasn't so bad. An' now that the baby was out, I actually had my balance back, so it wasn't like the last time I took a piss, when I fell flat on my ass in the bushes an' only just talked Tama outta runnin' over to help me up.

On my way back inside, I couldn't help stopping to look down at the river. It was even more flooded than it'd been last night, raised up at least a couple a' feet over the level of the bridge, an' I felt myself shiver at the sight of it. I still didn't have a fucking clue how I'd managed to get myself into that water last night, or how I'd pulled Tama outta there without gettin' us both drowned. It was a fucking miracle as far as I was concerned.

When I got back inside, Tama was still crouched by the fire, lookin' a little tired but weirdly at home, an' was stirring the pot with a piece of wood he'd carved into a spoon. His cheeks were still a little flushed, prob'ley from havin' spent so much of the morning out chopping wood an' stuff, an' he had his shirt off an' hangin' by the fire, along with his cloak, my filthy old dress, an' some strips of cloth for Yu-chan's diapers.

I cleared my throat, suddenly feelin' weird an' awkward and not real sure of what to say. "So, uh…whatcha cookin'?"

Whatcha cookin'? Dumbass.

But Tama just glanced up at me and smiled a little, still stirring the stuff with slow, even strokes. "It's soup. It probably won't taste all that good—it's mostly just water, a little bit of meat, and some potatoes from the garden out back. But I added in some herbs, and a few wild onions I found, so it might not be too bad."

"Shit, Tama, I ain't about to complain. You could prob'ley gimme a bowl of horse feed right now an' I'd eat it."

Tama gave me a wry smile. "I'll remember that for tomorrow. Anyway, why don't you sit down? I'll bring it over when it's ready."

I shifted uncomfortably, not real sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, somethin' in me didn't feel quite right about Tama waitin' on me hand and foot. But on the other, I hadda admit that it was kinda nice, havin' somebody takin' care of me for a change.

I didn't get a chance to decide one way or the other, though, 'cause right then there was this little cough-gurgle from the crib, an' all of a sudden Yu-chan was crying. Nah, 'crying' ain't the right word. She was howling, screamin' louder an' longer than I ever woulda thought possible for somebody with such tiny lungs.

But anyway, instinct or somethin' like it took over, an' I rushed over to the crib an' picked her up, cradlin' her against me. That made her quiet down for a sec, but before too long she was back to screaming again, her face all scrunched up like one big wrinkle.

I looked helplessly over at Tama. "What the hell's she want?"

He was at my side in a second, starin' down at Yu-chan like the answer was printed on her forehead or somethin'. "She's probably hungry," he said finally, an' his gaze tracked over to me like he expected me to do somethin' about it. I frowned, openin' my mouth to ask him what the hell he thought I could do—

And then I got it. "Oh," I said, feelin' my cheeks getting hot. "Well, uh…okay. Sure. I mean, yeah."

Once I said it, though, I realized that I didn't have a fucking clue what to do next. I mean, yeah, the actual feeding part never looked all that hard, but suddenly I wasn't so sure. What if I fucked somethin' up? And I really wasn't too thrilled about rippin' my shirt off in front of Tama, either. Hell of a time to be feelin' all modest, an' it really didn't make any sense since he'd seen a hell of a lot more than that already, for cryin' out loud…but all the same, I suddenly just really didn't want him to see.

Fuck.

And in the meantime, Yu-chan was still screamin', and the animals were stomping and makin' unhappy noises in their stalls, an' I knew that I hadda do somethin', but I just wasn't sure what.

Then I felt a hand on my arm, gently steering me back over to the pile of hay. Tama motioned for me to sit down, an' once I had, he pulled up an old stool an' sat down next to me. He looked so calm and sure that I relaxed a little, figurin' that at least one of us knew what the hell he was doin'.

An' then I thought about that. Damn it, I was lettin' him take charge again, an' just 'cause I wasn't completely, one-hundred-percent sure what I was doin'? Shit, like that ever stopped me before!

Figurin' I'd better do somethin' before I lost all respect for myself, I sighed an' started undoin' the buckles an' ties of my jacket, wonderin' why I'd even bothered gettin' 'em done up in the first place. My fingers were shakin' the tiniest bit, but if Tama noticed, he was decent enough to pretend he didn't. Yu-chan got a little quieter in the meantime, like she knew she was finally gonna get what she wanted, an' pretty soon I had the jacket off an' was just sittin' there in a plain white undershirt that didn't leave much to the imagination. So, hey, what the hell. I undid the buttons an', real carefully, brought Yu-chan up to my chest, hopin' she'd know what to do 'cause this was about where my knowledge on the subject ended.

For the first couple seconds, nothin' happened, an' I started to feel my face gettin' hot again…but then there was this warm little whisper of breath against me, an' next thing I knew, her mouth figured out where it was supposed to go an' latched onto me, tickling a little at first but then just feelin'…warm. Right. I felt my whole body relaxing while she drank, an' pretty soon there was this soft smile on my face, 'cause it was like she was a part of me again—like even though she wasn't inside me anymore, my body was still protecting her and feeding her.

After a little while, I remembered Tama an' glanced over at him—an' he was starin' at me with the weirdest look on his face, like he never saw me before or somethin'. Then he realized I was lookin' at him an' shook his head a little bit, breakin' outta the stare just like that. I kinda frowned at him, wonderin' what was goin' through his head, but before I could ask, Yu-chan started cryin' again.

"The hell? What? Whaddya want? I got nothin' else to give ya, ya little shit."

Tama cleared his throat. "Other side."

"Huh? Oh." After a little bit of awkward movin' around, I managed to get Yu-chan positioned on the other side—and sure enough, she quit cryin' an' got back to breakfast. An' while I was watchin' her, a little bit of the milk seeped outta her mouth an' dribbled down her chin, an' I just about choked when I saw it. It was all thin an' watery an' yellow—shit, somethin' was wrong with the milk! I quick pulled Yu-chan away from my breast, hopin' I hadn't poisoned her or somethin', an' of course she started fussin' right away, but better cryin' than drinkin' that disgusting yellow—

"Tasuki, what are you doing?"

"There's somethin' wrong with it," I snapped, wipin' the last of it off Yu-chan's chin. "It's all gross an' yellow--spoiled, or somethin'…"

"What? No, no—Tasuki, it's supposed to look like that."

"Look, I might not be all that good with this baby stuff, but I think I know what the fuck milk is s'posed ta look like!"

"No, listen, it's okay. This is normal. It'll be a few days before the real milk comes in, and until it does, there's this. This yellow stuff. It's fine for her to drink—in fact, she'll be a lot healthier if she does. Really, Tasuki, it's okay."

I just looked at him for a sec, my eyes real narrow, but finally I nodded an' let Yu-chan go back to her meal, even though the thought of drinkin' that yellow gunk made me feel kinda queasy. But I hadda admit that Tama knew a hell of a lot more about this stuff than I did, an' so if he said it was okay for her to drink, then I guess I hadda believe him.

Man, how'd he know all this stuff, anyway? Prob'ley just stuff ya picked up, havin' so many little brothers an' sisters.

An' then, on the tail end of that thought: He's gonna make a damn good father someday.

I thought about that for a little while, seein' him an' Miaka sittin' in some cozy little house, Miaka with a baby in her arms an' Tama sittin' there beside her, all calm an' sure an' smiling—happy. Not lookin' after his little sister or somebody else's kid, but his own baby. An' the woman holdin' her was the one he loved, the one he wanted to spend his life with an' make lots more babies with.

"It's all right," Tama said softly. "Breastfeeding for the first time can be a really emotional moment."

"Huh?" I said, an' my voice was kinda quavery an' I finally realized that I was crying. "Shit," I managed, wipin' my cheeks an' takin' a deep breath. "Sorry. Thought I was done with this cryin' shit."

"It's okay," Tama said.

It wasn't, but I just nodded an' looked back down at Yu-chan, whose sucking was already startin' to get slow an' sleepy. An' if I held her a little tighter after that, Tama didn't seem to notice.

I lost track of the days. They were all rainy and gray and cold, an' even if Yu-chan was turnin' into a real strong, healthy baby, we weren't about to risk takin' her outside while the storm was still goin'. So we stayed put, takin' care of Yu-chan an' eatin' as best we could off the small game Tama could catch, an' before long, that dumpy stable actually started to feel like home. In fact, I found myself forgetting a lot of the time that it wasn't home, an' that the second the rain started taperin' off, we were gonna leave it an' head back to Eiyo and our old lives.

I didn't want to think about that, though, so I didn't. An' so I guess that's why it hit me so hard, wakin' up that night to Tama's hand on my shoulder an' realizin' that our time there was over.

"Tasuki. Tasuki!"

"Arright, arright," I mumbled, rollin' over. "I'll feed 'er in a minute, jus' lemme—" A hand clapped over my mouth before I could get the words out, an' that woke me up real quick. My eyes flared open, my heart pumping and my breath comin' quick—but it was only Tama, sittin' there in the near-dark with his hand over my mouth. The hell was he—

The only light was coming from the last dyin' embers in the fireplace an' a little bit of moonlight through the window, but it was enough for me to see the fear on Tama's face. His jaw was clenched real tight an' his eyes were wide, his head cocked to the side like he was listenin' to somethin'.

I held my breath for a second so I could listen, too…an' froze as I heard it.

Voices. Coming from outside.

It coulda been anybody, really. Maybe the innkeeper an' his family comin' to check on us, maybe a buncha kids passin' through, maybe the fucking Imperial Dance Troupe, for all we knew…but I knew in my gut who it was.

It was the slavers.

They'd found us.

Without a word, like we were actin' on some silent signal, Tama an' me both got up an' headed in opposite directions. I went straight for the crib, wrappin' Yu-chan up in her blanket and then pullin' her close to me, prayin' like hell that she wouldn't wake up an' start cryin'. When I turned around, Tama'd got most of our things stuffed back into the satchel, an' was pullin' on his shoes while he crammed in the rest.

I slipped on my own shoes without too much trouble, then crept over to the stable's only window to peer outside. Maybe it was a dumbass thing to do, but I hadda know. I had to see.

I couldn't make out much, as it turned out. But I could see that the rain had finally stopped, an' way down the hill, I could just barely catch the bright spots of torches by the river. An' speaking of the river…the water level was way down, reflected by the light of the moon an' the torches. I leaned closer to the glass, strainin' to see…

Finally, my eyes adjusted enough, an'there they were. They had a rope stretched across the river, an' were usin' it to anchor themselves while they waded across. The first of 'em was already more than halfway across, an' gettin' closer.

"Shit," I whispered, an' moved back from the window real quick. "We gotta get outta here now."

Tama just nodded an' slung the pack over his shoulder, an' together we slipped out into the night.

We made for the trees, movin' quickly an' quietly an' keepin' close to the stable—hopin' that the slavers weren't looking up here, and that if they were, the shadows of the building would hide us until we could get into the woods. Once we were around the side, we took off at a run for the trees, only it was a pretty damn slow run, 'cause I hadda be real careful not to jostle Yu-chan too much an' wake her up. A screaming baby woulda given the game away pretty quick.

By the time we made it into the woods, I could already hear heavy footsteps trudging up the hill—shit, they were movin' fast! We hadda get the hell outta here! Goddammit, if I only had my tessen, we wouldn't have to run; we could march right down that hill an' burn those fuckers to a crisp!

But there was no tessen; for all I knew, it was still lyin' in the street back in Eiyo. There was only me an' Tama an' Yu-chan, an' a whole lotta dark, creepy woodland. I glanced over at Tama, even though his face was shadowed now that we were under the trees. I don't know what I thought he was gonna say or do at that moment to make things better, but when I felt his hand grip hard onto mine, I nodded like that was what I'd been waiting for.

We got moving. I didn't know where the hell we were goin' an' Tama didn't either, but it seemed a pretty safe direction since it was leading us away from the slavers. An' Suzaku musta been watchin' out for us, 'cause Yu-chan stayed asleep an' quiet the whole time, so the only sounds were twigs cracking under our feet and the normal nighttime sounds of the forest. We didn't hear any signs of the slavers following us, but that wasn't as much of a comfort as ya might think. At least when we could hear 'em, we knew where they were. Creepin' through those dark woods, I couldn't help imaginin' them hidin' in the shadows, just waitin' for the right moment to leap out an' cut us all to fucking ribbons.

Time slid by. Mighta been hours, an' I guess it prob'ley was, 'cause before too long, I started noticin' that I could see a little bit better. Glancin' up, I saw a pale gray sky just becoming visible through the leaves, an' I knew it was morning.

Now at least we'd be able to see where we were goin'…but the slavers, wherever they were, would also be able to see us.

"Let's stop for a minute," Tama said at last, soundin' as tired an' out of breath as I was. He went over to a tree trunk an' leaned his back against it, bendin' down to prop his hands against his knees.

"All right," I said, 'cause I was too tired to argue—an' Yu-chan was startin' to squirm a little bit in my arms, just enough for me to know that she was about to wake up. So I went over an' sat down on a log an' started undoing my shirt.

Sure enough, by the time I got it open, Yu-chan was blinkin' up at me, an' her face was just startin' to wrinkle into crying position when I lifted her up to feed. She waited a sec before she went at it, like she wasn't sure why she was gettin' what she wanted without havin' to cry for it, but then hunger won out an' she got busy with breakfast. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and closed my eyes.

I didn't want to say the words, 'cause that was as good as beggin' the universe to contradict them, but in the end I decided to risk it. "Ya think we lost 'em?"

Tama shook his head, an' I noticed he was digging through the satchel, prob'ley for breakfast. "I don't know. They might not even have followed us in here. There's no way to…" He shook his head again.

"As soon as Yu-chan's done, we can get movin' again," I said with a wary glance back the way we'd come. "We gotta be gettin' close to the edge of these woods. Once we're out, we can find a village or somethin', get a cart an' put some miles between us an' those bastards."

Tama didn't say anything, just nodded, but I knew he was thinkin' the same thing I was. If the slavers knew we went into these woods, they might be watchin' the other side, or maybe even the nearby villages. We might get outta here only to walk right into their fucking hands. Then again, they might be comin' at us from behind, followin' our trail, an' so turnin' back was out, too. Besides, if I never saw that fucking river again, it'd be too soon.

So forward it was. An' if they were waitin' out there for us…

I closed my eyes, drawing in a long, deep breath of that soft baby scent that was distinctly Yu-chan.

"Tama," I said softly, "if they catch up to us, I want ya to take Yu-chan an' get the hell away. It's me they want, anyway; I'm the one who torched their ship. They prob'ley won't just let you go, but I bet I can distract 'em for long enough so you can—"

"No. Absolutely not."

I opened my eyes, just in time to see Tama drop the satchel on the ground and stomp over to me, looking so angry that I almost flinched back.

"Don't even say things like that," he continued angrily. "They're not going to catch us, and if they do, you are going to run with Yu-chan."

"Like hell I am! This is my fight, Tama—it's got nothin' to do with you!"

"Don't give me that! Do you honestly think that after all this, I'm going to just…leave you there and let those slavers have you?"

"Yeah, well, I ain't runnin'!"

"Well, neither am I!"

We glared at each other for a few seconds, before a low, wailing cry from Yu-chan snapped us out of it. While we'd been arguin', I'd shifted her just enough to take her mouth away from my breast, an' she wasn't lookin' too happy about it.

"Shit, Yu-chan, I'm sorry," I murmured, an' real gently put her back into place.

When I glanced back up at Tama, the look on his face was fierce and sad and afraid. "Listen," he said, so quietly that I almost couldn't hear him. "When my mother died, I did everything I could for Yuiren. I held her, and I fed her, and I sang her the songs Kaasan always used to sing to me…but it wasn't the same. Do you understand? It wasn't the same, because I wasn't her mother. No matter how much I loved her…" He shook his head, and the tears were bright in his eyes. "Don't do that to Yu-chan. Don't make her lose her…" He paused, then shook his head again and continued fiercely, "—don't make her lose her mother. Please, Tasuki."

I had to look away. "That ain't fair."

"Fair or not, it's true. You have to think about her now. You can't just…throw your life away, not when she needs you so much."

He was right. I knew it. But I didn't want him to be right, 'cause the truth was, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could leave him, not after…everything. But if staying meant puttin' Yu-chan in danger…damn it, it wasn't fucking fair!

"No," I said finally, my voice low and only shaking the tiniest bit. "I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna run away an' leave you there…an' you're not gonna do it either. An' ya know why? 'Cause they're not gonna find us. We're gonna get outta these woods, an' then we're gonna find a cart an' get the fuck outta here, an' those asshole slavers ain't never gonna come near us. An' that's how it's gonna go, okay, Tama? That's how it's gonna go."

He looked at me for a long time after that. Then he nodded. "Okay."

I returned the nod. "Okay. So, let's get movin'."

It took us about an hour and a half to get to the edge of the woods. When we did, we just stood there for a second, lookin' out at all that open, rolling grassland like it was the edge of a cliff instead of a forest. The village was way down below, just a cluster of ant-sized houses and roads, an' I felt my mouth go dry at the thought of walkin' all that way without even a tree or bush for cover. If those slavers were anywhere near here, they'd spot us in a second, an' we'd have noplace to hide.

But what the hell else were we gonna do?

I looked over at Tama. He was starin' back at me, pale but determined, an' I nodded at him even though he hadn't said a word. Then I leaned down an' pressed a kiss onto Yu-chan's forehead.

"All right," I said, keepin' my voice down even though it wouldn't make much difference if anybody heard. If they were close enough to hear me talkin', we were dead meat, anyway. "Help me get this thing on, will ya?"

While we were walkin', Tama'd managed to rig a baby carrier outta the satchel an' some spare cloth. It was pretty crude, but it was the best we could do to protect her, keepin' her strapped safely against my back an' freein' up my hands at the same time.

Anyway, so I handed Yu-chan to Tama an' wrestled my arms into the straps, then pushed my hair outta the way while he slid her into the carrier. Once she was in there, I moved around a little bit, testin' it out—then nodded. In answer, Tama handed me the staff.

Well, okay, so it was just a big stick we'd found on the ground, but it was sturdy an' it felt good in my hands, an' enough like a weapon to make me feel like I stood a chance of defending myself. Tama had one, too, even though he was more of a hand-to-hand fighting kinda guy, but we weren't about to take chances if it came down to battle. Hand-to-hand would let 'em get too close; this way, we might be able to keep 'em far enough away from Yu-chan so they couldn't touch her.

And they were not going to touch her. Not while I was still alive to protect her.

It dawned on me about then that there was nothing more to do, and that meant that we were ready to go. An' no matter how much I didn't want to believe it, I hadda admit that it felt like a goodbye when Tama met my eyes.

"Tama…" I said in a hoarse voice, 'cause I felt like I needed to say something, to let him know that for a pain-in-the-ass shithead, he was a pretty decent guy, an' I was glad he was here with me—glad Suzaku called us brothers. But when I opened my mouth, I just couldn't find the words.

But that was okay, 'cause he already knew.

"Come on," he said softly, and took my hand.

Together, we stepped out into the gray daylight and started across the meadow.

To Be Concluded…

Notes: First, I'd like to extend my gratitude and appreciation to the reviewers: Skippys Cat, x Belles Reminisce, Geonah, Emmi-chan, Everqueen, Whitney-chan2005, Skittles1, roku kyu, and RyuDesol. Your input is very much appreciated. And speaking of input, I must of course acknowledge Roku for another brilliant beta-reading job on this chapter—and for rescuing Yu-chan from the horrors of hot soup. (Don't ask.)

Next, you may have noticed the use of the word "concluded" up above. Yes, it's true! The next installment, Chapter 8: Family, will be the last—the exciting conclusion, if you will. Due to the nature of that chapter, it would be pretty much impossible to include a sneak preview without giving something away. As such, there will be no preview of the final chapter of Expecting, so you'll just have to wait for its posting on Wednesday, June 8th! See you then!

Shunyata Ryuen