I was straightening up as much as I could in thirty minutes. I always told Jamie to clean up, so now the apartment had to be clean. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I looked at my watch. 11:55. I walked to the door straighten my skirt and opened it up. God, Jamie looked as great as usually. "Hi!" I said and gave him a hug. Was that okay? Were you allowed to hug your ex-husband?
"Hey there," Jamie said. There was a twinkle in his eyes that I had missed. The last time I saw that twinkle was in Ohio. I was on a national tour and Jamie came to visit me. I was so excited to see him, and there was the twinkle. Then he told me he had to leave early for a 'meeting' that obviously meant that he had to go see Elise. I got upset and yelled at him. The twinkle disappeared almost immediately. It was only a mere month or so later that we were divorced and he had moved out.
"So, what do you want for lunch?" I asked. "I have corn beef." I knew he liked corn beef. Whenever I got it for him when we were married he hugged me and swung me around. I knew he wouldn't do that now, and that sort of upset me.
"It feels like that's all I eat now. Elise won't get anything else. Do you have pastrami turkey?" Jamie asked. "It's your favorite, right?"
"Of course I do," I said, "How did you remember it was my favorite?" He never remembered things like this when we were married. Correction: He never remembered things like this in the last year of our marriage.
"Well, do you remember that big 'fight' we had over which was a better sandwich?" Jamie asked.
"The Cold Cut War, how could I forget?" I said laughing. "You do know that pastrami turkey, pastrami, salami with mustard on whole wheat bread is the best, right?"
"Nice try, but its corn beef on rye with mustard." Jamie said. "And if that wasn't the only thing I've eaten for the past two weeks, I'd have it now." I laughed and took out my cold cuts. We made our sandwiches with only a little bit of conversation between.
"So, tell me about this job you got." Jamie said as we sat down at the table. We sat in our usually seats as if nothing was wrong. As if at any moment someone would call here for Jamie. Or he would go on his long daze of brainstorming for his writing. Back then I was a part of that; I was a part of his life. Now I barely knew what was going on. Then again, he never knew what was going on, even when we were married.
"Well, there's this new show opening called Hot Cocoa and I'm just in the ensemble, but I'm the understudy for the lead! I could play a lead on Broadway!" I said. After all, this was big news.
"Cathy, that's great! I'm so happy for you," Jamie said, taking my hand. Whoa, excuse me? What was this? I don't want this...do I? I won't deny it; I missed Jamie terribly in the beginning. But I was mostly over that. Now I just miss the idea of being married, having a secure relationship, coming home and knowing someone else would be there. That wasn't even all in our relationship all the time. Then why did I feel giddy at the touch of his hand?
"I know, it's great. I'm so excited. Rehearsals start on Monday." I said.
"In two days? Wow, when did you find out?" Jamie asked. "I mean, what if you had other plans? You would have to change them in two days?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, I haven't had a job this good in a while. The only other plans I had was another audition, but I can cancel that, right?" I said. "Besides, I'm going on Broadway. There are plenty of people who would give away both their kidneys for this job. I'm extremely grateful."
"With an attitude like that, you'll get walked all over. You'll be a go-fer, not a cast member." Jamie said.
"Except I am a cast member. I won't be a go-fer, that's what they have assistant stage managers for." I said, trying to lighten the mood.
"I only want what's best for you." Jamie said.
"What? You want what's best for me? Since when, Jamie, since when?" I asked. That just infuriated me. If he wanted what was best for me, he wouldn't have cheated on me. That would have been the best thing for me.
"I always have! That's why we got a divorce. We couldn't live together anymore, we weren't happy. The best thing for you, for us was to get a divorce." Jamie said. "Why are you surprised that I still care for you?"
"You care for me? If you cared for me at all you would have never had an affair!" I said. "That would have been what was best for me, Jamie, not a divorce."
"Under the circumstances, a divorce was the best thing, Cathy." Jamie said. "I tried to save our relationship, I really did. But I couldn't. You don't know how hard I worked to try and make it work. I loved you, how could you think I wanted to hurt you?"
"If you loved me, why did you feel the need to go to another woman for sex?" I asked. I never said it out loud before, but I was always dying to know. I always bit my tongue, not asking. I couldn't ask. I knew he would just storm out and leave me. Well, he's already left me, so he can storm out all he wants.
In fact, he almost just stormed out. He walked to the door, picked up his jacket, and then turned around to face me. "I didn't want to have to go to another woman. I tried to stay away from her because I loved you. I tried to resist the temptation, but I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you and for our relationship." Jamie said quietly and left. I stared at the door for a while. What was that? He wasn't strong enough? He wanted to save our relationship? He loved me? I didn't want to believe it. It sounded like a lot of bull strung together to form an excuse, but deep down in my gut I had a feeling it was true. I sat down on my couch. I looked at the half-eaten sandwiches on the table. I just started to cry. It was as if we got a divorce all over again. I couldn't stop crying over my ex-husband. I was over him and all these problems, yet still the tears flowed. I hated how much this was bothering me.
Why did I still love him?
(Thanks for your reviews! Cathy loves Jamie; does Jamie love Cathy? Please review so I know someone other than myself is reading this!)