It's cold out, but I don't close my jacket. The cold is burning my cheeks; it's almost comforting. I walk up the street, and then back down again. I got to the end, shook my head and walked back up the street, only to find myself walking down it again. I was making one big pace in front of Cathy's apartment. Suddenly I realized it didn't feel uncomfortable to say Cathy's apartment. I didn't have to say our apartment. It wasn't our apartment. It was Cathy's.
I stopped pacing. I felt like an intruder in Cathy's life. She had Heather back now, and she obviously still has Richard. Why am I getting mixed up in this love triangle? Let Heather, Richard and Cathy deal with whatever weird things would happen to them, I was not going to let any of it happen to me. It had already started affecting me. I wasn't writing much, I obviously wasn't thinking clearly and I wasn't really in love with Cathy. I was in love with the fantasy, the idea, and the friendship. It wasn't right of me to keep doing what I was doing to Cathy. I had to leave.
'You are not seriously leaving someone you truly love after all that time you waited for it,' a voice in my head thought. This was true, but did I truly love Cathy? I couldn't even tell anymore. I loved being with her, and I loved how I felt when I was with her, but I'm not sure if I loved Cathy.
I started walking. I couldn't even tell you where, though. My body was walking and making all the decisions for me, making sure I crossed at the right time and all that, but my mind wasn't there. I kept thinking, "I've got to start over. I can't keep doing this dance." So I walked. I walked to Central Park and all around it. I walked to Midtown and went into a thousand tourist traps and bought nothing. I walked all over the city and still didn't know what I was going to do. I walked halfway back to Cathy's apartment, and then turned around. Five minutes later, I found myself walking back towards Cathy's apartment. I don't know why, but it seemed like I had to go back now. I was ready to go back now.
I walked up to her apartment and knocked on the door. I had the key, but I couldn't use it. I couldn't keep going into her life, and that started with not using a key. The key shows that you are with someone and you want to be and you have mutual feelings. I wasn't sure if I had any feelings at this point, mutual are not. How could I use such a precious gift as a key when I didn't know if I loved the person to whom it truly belonged? Cathy answered the door. Her eyes were red and a bit puffy. She had been crying over me. "Don't waste your tears over me," I said. I walked in and started packing up.
"No! No Jamie, I'm not wasting anything with you!" Cathy said starting to cry again. "I cry because I care for you! I love you Jamie! And god damn it, I don't know why, but when you love someone you cry for them and about them. I'm not wasting anything on you. I love you too much to waste anything I have for you. My life would be a waste without you. I don't need anything but you and Lisa in my life. I want to be with you, I want to live with you; I want to marry you again! I want to be your wife! Jamie, please, listen to me! Richard is gone! If you want, Heather can go! I would do anything to be with you! Jamie, please! Don't leave me! Please, Jamie! Don't go. I would die without you! I would die." During her speech, I packed calmly and I didn't say a word or show any emotion. "Please Jamie," Cathy said, turning me to look into her eyes. "Talk to me."
I stood there for what felt like eternity. "I have to go now, Cathy," I said. "Good-bye." I picked up Lisa, who was asleep in her baby carrier. Cathy was just standing there frozen, only her tears moving down her cheek. I looked back for a second and then closed the door. I heard Cathy start bawling again, shouting. It killed me, but I knew that in time it would be for the best. I hated the time that it would take. It would eat away at me, and I would doubt myself, but right now I knew there was nothing I had done where I had been surer of myself at that moment.
I walk down a familiar way, but I don't recognize it. My body is still making the decisions for me. I was practically there when I realized where I was going. To an outside person, it would seem logical, but for me it didn't. I kept on walking. I got there and I knocked on their door. The resident opened it and said, "I knew you would come back."
(Thanks for the reviews! Where did Jamie go? What will happen with Cathy now? Please please please review!)