Author's Note: Yay! Chappie 2 is up. Unfortunately, this is going to be the last chapter because the story ends soon. Oh, yes. Later on in the chapter, you're going to have to think of them as the real actors because there is a conversation on marriage. (i.e. Hugh Jackman.)
Disclaimer:We don't own Van Helsing, but We'd love to own Carl. pets him Ah, and the 'End of the World' reference is from a short cartoon at funnyjunk dot com. We honestly don't know who made that up, but credit is to them. Oh, and no offence to any person of Chinese origin. It was from the cartoon and we have absolutely nothing against you. The Van Halen reference was actually said by someone in the commentary of the movie. The bonus is and idea from a Xena episode. The disclaimer is now done.
Now the rest…
The director walked into the bar and cleared his throat quite loudly. "Guys, we need to shoot more scenes."
"Why?" questioned Carl.
The director didn't answer and glared at Carl. Dracula did his freaky vampire thing, thinking the director didn't see him. The director shook his head and mumbled, "Leaving."
Van Helsing happily resumed his dance. Dracula soon dragged Van Helsing and Carl back to his trailer.
The director blankly stared at them and said, "Why?"
The crew smacked their foreheads with their palms and muttered, "Not you…"
In the trailer, Dracula, Van Helsing and Carl were doing fun things involving liquor and refusing to let Dracula take his wig off.
The director threw open the door of the trailer. Not seeing something pleasant, he slammed the door shut and shouted, "Props department!"
The head of the props department rubbed his ears and shouted back, "What?"
"Do you have any bleach?" asked the director, who wanted to scrub his eyes and brain with said bleach.
The head of the props department looked slightly confused. "That would be… costumes department, stupid."
Had this been a horribly written fic, the director would have gone . But instead, he settled for "Oh."
Back in the trailer, Dracula asked, "What was that all about?"
"Dunno." Said Van Helsing with a shrug.
"He barged in!" piped up Carl.
Dracula gave him an odd look. "And you just figured that out?"
Carl smiled sheepishly and said, "Well…maybe…"
Dracula and Van Helsing rolled their eyes. At this moment, a random person at the bar came up shouting, "MY EYES!" He saw the cast members and said in their general direction, "I'M SUING!"
"STOP TALKING IN ALL CAPS! COMPRENDO?" shouted Dracula.
The person at the bar gave him a blank stare. He snapped out of it when Dracula yelled in his ear. "KAPISHE?" The person at the bar stalked off and we can only suppose they went home.
"No peace. People peeking in windows. Ungrateful Chinese sons of bitches." Muttered Dracula.
"Chinese?" said a confused Van Helsing.
"End of the World." Was all Dracula said.
"Ah. I see. Fun." Said Carl.
Dracula tapped his chin. "Where were we?"
"Allow me to show ye." Said Carl with an evil grin.
"Stop with the archaism. It annoys me." Snapped Dracula.
Hugh poked a random object and grumbled, "My wife is gonna kiiiiiill me. Eventually."
"When you stop being drop-dead gorgeous." Squeed Carl.
"Exactly." Agreed Van Helsing.
"So, never." Pointed out Dracula.
Carl put on a thoughtful look and tapped his chin. "Why didn't you say you were married." That was met by a blank stare from Van Helsing.
"I guess you have kids." Said Carl. Had this been a badfic (How many times have I said this?) The characters would have gone . Also, Dracula would have said "For the sake of something, here goes" and then he would have gone . But that's not going to happen, now is it?
Carl patted Van Helsing on the back and said, "Join the club, Van Helsing."
Dracula struck a pose and went on a slightly long tangent. "I apparently don't. If only because the authoresses have no real idea who I am and mainly love me for actually acting the part of Dracula and for the wig. And all of the black. And the evil." He took a deep breath and shut up.
"WTF, eh?" said Van Helsing.
"WTF, mate?" said Carl.
Dracula held up his hands and sighed. "I give up." He stopped and then flashed and evil grin. "But…"
"Ha ha. You said butt!" shouted Carl in a fit of hysterics. No one knows why that was so funny.
Dracula corrected him, "No, but."
"Ha ha. You said it again."
"No, B-U-T." Fumed Dracula.
"Hee hee."
Dracula smacked Carl over the head. "Meep." was his reply. Van Helsing smacked Dracula. Dracula, who was tired of getting smacked, goaded the others into resuming their 'recreational activities'. The grins on their faces were very big, thankyouverymuch.
The director popped his head in the door. "Guys, really, we need to shoot the rest of the scenes. Now!"
"Don't start yelling like that person at the bar." Said Van Helsing.
The director gave him a blank stare. Carl shouted, "Join us!"
Richard glared at him. "No! Only three. Anyways, no directors…that's disturbing."
"Well, isn't the fact that three males have spent the day together doing these 'activities'?" said the director.
Carl pondered that. "No."
The director hit his forehead with his palm.
"It's quite a lot of fun actually." Put in Van Helsing.
"Yeah." Agreed Dracula.
The director was starting to get impatient. "Come on! We've got the kiss scene and the one with the barmaid and… just get up, dressed and out!"
"Few more minutes?" asked Van Helsing.
"Please?" asked Dracula.
"Pretty please? With Dracula covered in whipped cream?" begged Carl.
Van Helsing and Dracula shouted in unison, "Carl!"
"Awww…. Chocolate?
"No." They both said.
"With cherries?" offered Carl.
"No."
The director spoke up. "Even if, Carl, the answer is no. We need you three outside."
"Which reminds me, send that one girl in… what's her name? The one… Marishka. In costume." Said Dracula.
"Don't wanna know." Mumbled the director.
"You sure?" asked Dracula.
"Positive." Said the director.
Van Helsing said, "Can I get an invite?"
"Me too!" said Carl.
Dracula shrugged. "Sure."
"Costumes! Cameras! Now!" ordered the director.
"Feck you." Said Dracula.
"COSTUME NOW!" roared the director.
Dracula saluted him. "Yessir."
Now they were filming the ball scene. "I give you, Van Halen!" was shouted by someone.
"Cut! What was that?" said the director, trying not to laugh too hard.
"Fun." Said Dracula.
Carl tugged at his clothes. "This costume is itchy…"
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Author's note: I had to steal the zeros. Here's a little bonus for you all. You're not out of the torture yet:
Van Helsing yelled out, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE OUT OF FILM!"
"And the battery went dead…" said the very nervous director.
Van Helsing rounded on him. "We had a once in a lifetime chance to show the world a great blooper and you're telling me the battery is dead!