Promises Made

Horatio

I linger in the doorway, wishing I were anywhere but here, knowing here is where I must be, and feel overcome by the rush of emotion I thought I was prepared for. Evidently I failed, because I feel an unfamiliar weakening of my knees causing me to reflexively lean against the door frame for support until it passes. The adrenaline that has gotten me this far has abated, leaving me to deal head on with the consequences of this day.

The anguish I felt earlier today as I knelt by Calleigh's lifeless, bloodied body has come back full force, despite my efforts to block the image from my mind. Seeing her now, in this room brings it all back. I failed to protect a member of my team and that will reside with me always. There was nothing more I could do for her then, I knew she had expired before I arrived on the scene, but now I can help those she loved and left behind. I owe that much to her, need to do this for her, it is all that she would have wanted, I know this because I know... knew, her well.

What mattered most to her is the broken hearted man in front of me. Watching him standing by his wife's side holding her hand, as she lies unmoving on the cold, steel table, in this room we are both so familiar with, brings my heart into my throat. I will be there for him through this ordeal, as well as the two little girls whose own hearts are soon to break when they receive the news their mother is gone. I will have to push my own suffering to the back so I may offer them comfort, but I need to put some distance between myself and the scene before me in order to achieve that. I also must afford him the privacy he needs for this visit with his wife.

I quietly step away from the doorway and move along the outside wall, slumping against it, my shoulders feeling heavy with tension. Hearing his soft, pain filled murmuring, but unable to make out his words, I'm grateful I moved, this is too personal to be privy to. He needs to be alone with her now. I vigorously rub my temples hoping to ward off the pain lodged in there, knowing it will do nothing for the rest of the pain I feel. The pain and shock that all of us are feeling today.

Standing here doing nothing is not working for me, I need to be busy, there is too much I know I should be, could be doing. I briskly pace the hallway, my hands on my hips feeling useless, my head down because there's no one I want to see. But there's no where else I can be right now, I need to be here with him, need to bring him home, need to help him with his daughters. That's the only thing that's important.

As I pace, I can't help but recollect the day's events. I sigh heavily, wishing in vain I could take back the call I made asking for her help at the crime scene I could not go to. If I hadn't called her, she would still be with us. At the very least I should have had more uniforms there for protection, should have anticipated that the shooter could still be lurking, should've safeguarded her somehow, but none of this matters now, she is gone, and that I have to live with.

I return to my place against the wall, suddenly feeling fatigued, another side effect of draining adrenaline levels. I think about Speed and wonder how he is holding up. Telling him today was one of the hardest things I've done, and I've been the bearer of this news more times than I can count. I know how to take my emotion out of the equation to offer comfort without getting involved. This, today, was different, I am involved, he is my colleague, my friend, my family, and I watched the light go out of his eyes. I'll not soon forget his stricken, anguished face.

I don't know how he'll find the strength to tell his daughters. He cherishes those girls and hurting them is going to be the hardest thing he's ever done. I will be by his side as he needs me. I love those girls, my goddaughter and her twin, like they were my own. This loss will affect the rest of their lives, their mother is irreplaceable, how we handle this and how we support them in the future will always be most important.

Thinking about the twins, I absently fumble in my pocket for the photograph recently given to me by their mother. Carefully removing the cherished photo from it's place in my wallet with shaky hands, I gently trace the image with my finger. It is a smaller version of the portrait done as a surprise for Speed's birthday. A beautiful, beaming Calleigh is flanked on either side by her identical, adorable twins. They are miniature replicas of her, complete with the same green eyes, white blonde hair and radiant smiles. It's hard to find evidence of their father in this photo, but he shows up in their personalities and mannerisms. Speed always joked about the 'blondness' in his house, but anyone who knows him knows he dotes on his three blondes. His job is his job, and he is a selfless, dedicated worker, but his family is his life.

Speed and Calleigh, an unlikely pairing if I ever saw one. Physically dissimilar, they seemed to be opposites in almost all ways. Nothing about them suggested they would be a match made in heaven, but they were. Once you saw them together, you couldn't imagine them apart. If anything, I thought the fact that they worked closely together might be a deterrent to a romantic pairing, but it wasn't and they kept their work relationship as professional as possible. Of course, the fact that my trace expert kept his feelings for my ballistic expert a closely guarded secret may have prevented them from ever getting together, but fortunately fate intervened. When they did finally get together they wasted no time, marrying just five months after their first date.

Calleigh made Speed a better man simply by loving him. Speed, in turn, provided Calleigh with the kind of love and security she could always count on, but rarely had in her life. They had an ability to see clearly into each other, to the parts they kept hidden from all others. They made each other happy. They were good partners and wonderful parents. Sighing heavily, I wonder what he's going to do without her, she was everything to him.

"Oh Calleigh, I'll do my best to watch over them." My voice is barely a whisper as I speak, still holding the photo in my hand. "I'll always be there for your girls. I'll take care of him as well. I won't let you down," I pause before continuing, afraid my voice is about to break, "I promise, I'll make sure they're OK. Goodbye my friend. I'll miss you dearly." Carefully I put the photo away and resume pacing, knowing it will soon be time to go.

I'll never be able to replace all that Calleigh was to us, it was always so much more than her expertise in ballistics. The labs will be a colder, emptier place without the warmth she brought, along with her unfailing optimism, sassy, southern attitude and unwavering dedication to her job, friends and family. I was privileged to have known her, worked with her and been welcomed into her family.

Thinking now about the rest of my team, I wonder how they're fairing. Ryan was by Calleigh's side after she was shot, tried to help her, but there was nothing he could do, it was over quickly. I wonder how this will affect him. He was left to process the scene himself and is probably in the lab with the evidence right now. I can't think about that, I'm too close to this case to be objective, the night shift has been called, he'll have to rely on their help.

Alexx is holed up in her office waiting to see her Timmy. She has Calleigh's wedding rings for him. This has taken quite a toll on her. She had to be helped from this room, her domain. She wanted to stay with Calleigh, but could no more cut into Calleigh than she could a member of her own family.

Eric has been trying to be stoic, but he, too, is shaken up, his pain evident on his features. I know it will be a long time before he gets through this, they were so close for so long. He has gone now to collect our goddaughters, to take them home to wait for Speed. Telling the girls will be hard on him, he too, loves those girls like his own, and Speed is like a brother to him. Speed's pain is Eric's pain. I sigh again feeling the anguish come over me once more.

Moving to the open doorway I quietly make my way inside and stand next to Speed, who appears oblivious to anything but his wife. I gently place my hand on his shoulder.

"Speed. It's time to go. Your girls need you now." I've spoken these words so softly, I'm not certain he's heard me, but a flicker of recognition passes over his face at the mention of his girls. He makes no eye contact with me, just nods. I see him shudder slightly and squeeze her hand. I gaze upon her once more, knowing my pain will hit me later and I hope I'll be able to deal with it.

I turn and slowly walk out knowing he'll soon follow and together we'll make the journey home. I'll help him through this, all of us will. Now he needs to say 'goodbye', I'll be waiting just outside the door.