Promises Made
Tim
"Calleigh I'm so sorry Baby, I'm so, so sorry. I should've been with you. I let you down. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. You shouldn't be lying here at all."
I hold her cold, lifeless hand in one of my own, wishing there was a way to warm it up. I don't know where her rings have gone, I need to find them, Cal would never take off her wedding rings. I stroke her equally cold, pale cheek with my other hand. I feel sick. I have felt this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach since I saw the look on Horatio's face as he approached Eric and I and I don't expect it to leave any time soon.
"I just wish it had been me and not you. Calleigh what am I going to do without you? What am I going to tell our girls?" I pause, uncertain if I can continue, but there's so much more to say.
"How are they going to get through this, they need you so much,... I need you. I don't know what to do without you..." my voice, just barely an audible whisper as it is, trails off, breaking and I feel a large shudder through my body and tears streaming their way down my cheeks. The last time I cried was when our twins were born and those were tears of joy, not the overwhelming grief I feel now.
My legs feel rubbery, making me think I should probably hold on to the table for support, but not if that means breaking contact with my wife, I can't do that. I try to lean in more, hoping that will keep me upright. My mind is still having a hard time processing all of this, I feel dizzy. I know where I am, I've been in this familiar room more times than I can count, but I don't remember how I got here and I can't believe this is my beautiful, vibrant wife lying dead on this cold, steel table. I simply can't believe this, don't want to believe this, despite the evidence in front of me, which includes a gunshot wound in the chest of the only one I have ever truly loved completely.
I am so close to losing control, but if I break down now, I don't think I'll regain my feeble grasp on reality, so I'll just try to focus on her beautiful face. I keep stroking her cheek, but it's not enough, I need to gather her in my arms and never let her go. I squeeze the hand I'm holding tighter, I don't know if I somehow expect some sort of response, but I cannot let go of her, cannot break the connection, because when it's gone it will really be gone.
I feel a fresh round of tears, which seem to be dripping all over my wife, who would probably have something sassy to say about that and the thought of her reaction is almost enough to make me momentarily forget the pain I feel.
I close my eyes to try to stem the flow of tears for a moment because it's blurring my vision. In my mind I see Cal as she was this morning, that gleam in her eye, the alluring smile that promised so much more, her flushed cheeks and her warm, supple body beneath mine... I can't believe I'm never going to make love to my wife again. I open my eyes wanting to see my wife as she was then, but she's gone from me and I know I'm not getting her back. The pain in my chest is unbearable, I inhale deeply and exhale hoping it will somehow expel this hurt that is constricting me, but it's still there and I know the only one who can help me is lying in front of me so still, so pale, so cold, so not Calleigh.
I concentrate on her beautiful face and try to imagine she is asleep at home in our bed, blonde hair fanning out all around her, looking sexy wearing only a tank top, nestled in the floral sheets she was so fond of, smelling of roses fresh from a bubble bath. Now I see her, again in our bed, propped up with pillows, pajama clad twin on either side, reading from yet another princess story book, all three dissolving in fits of giggles, smothering me with kisses when I get home from work. Finally, I can breathe again, that's what she does for me, keeps me steady, keeps me going.
"Calleigh I don't know why you took a chance on a guy like me, but I'll be yours forever. You got to me the first day your beautiful green eyes sparkled in my direction and I was a goner the first time you drawled my name in that sweet, honeyed voice of yours. I should've told you sooner how I felt. I'm sorry I kept it to myself for so long, but we made up for that didn't we? I still remember the first time I kissed you. You made me happier than
I ever dreamed possible and loved me far more than I deserved. I'm thankful for every day we had and for our beautiful girls." I have to stop again, my voice is threatening to give way to a sob, I just have to keep breathing, focus on Calleigh and ignore the pain.
"Calleigh how am I going to tell the girls? I don't want to break their hearts, but this will, and I just can't hurt them. I don't think I can be enough for them by myself, you have to stay with me somehow, I have to know you'll be there. Can't you just stay with me Baby, just stay with me..." My voice is a rough sounding, pain filled whisper that sounds foreign to my ears. I take my hand away from her face long enough to use the back of it to wipe the liquid from my running nose and tearing eyes.
H has come up beside me, so quiet that I sensed him rather than heard him, now I can feel the warm strength of his hand on my shoulder. I can't look at him for the pain in his eyes and etched on his face is too sharp a reminder of my own, and I'm not prepared to lose control yet, not when there is more I need to tell my wife. I know he's talking but it's taking me a moment to process his words, so focused I am on my own.
"The girls," I hear that clearly and I nod, I know why he's here, to tell me it's time to leave, to go home to our beautiful girls. I feel a shudder go through my body and squeeze Calleigh's hand tighter. I have to see them, hold them in my arms, breathe in their scent, love them as best I can and somehow make this right for them, if that's even possible. He's leaving but I know he'll be waiting, which is good because I don't think I can make it out of this cold place on my own. This is what I've been dreading, I have to say 'goodbye' and I can't, I'm not ready.
Calleigh doesn't like to be alone in the dark, which always surprised me because she is one of the bravest, strongest people I know, and the thought of leaving her here is making my chest hurt again, but I know where she wants me to be, those girls are the only thing that's important right now and Cal would want me with them. I can't let her down, I have to go to them, they're all I have left of Calleigh.
"Calleigh you know I would never leave your side if I didn't have to. I don't know how to say 'goodbye', so I will tell you this instead," I place both my hands on her cold cheeks, now also damp from my tears, and bring my face as close to hers as I can, "Calleigh I will love you forever, I need you to know this, it's a promise and you know I have always kept my promises to you. You were always all I ever wanted or needed. I will do my best with," my voice catches again and it is a moment before I can continue, but I have to say this, "our precious daughters, I promise you."
I bring my thumb to her lips and gently run it over them before I bring my lips down to hers. "I love you Baby," I whisper, before I kiss my wife one last time. It's time to go.