Promises Made

Eric

I hang up my phone and can't believe how much my hands are shaking, I feel close to losing it and this is not the time or place for that. I look out my car window at the building in front of me to remind myself why I need to stay in control. I clench my fists till my knuckles turn white and squeeze my eyes shut, there's no way I will allow a single tear to fall. I need to keep it together, I am here for a reason, I have to handle this well, I can't let my feelings get in the way.

I shouldn't have called home, but I had to, my wife needed to hear the news from me, Calleigh and Jenna were close friends. I got off the phone leaving my wife in tears, I'm not sure I was any comfort at all, too wrapped up in my own emotions to deal with hers. I also admit, I needed to hear her voice, needed the comfort myself, needed the reassurance that she was still there, even though there was no logical reason she wouldn't be, but my best friend lost his wife today and he had no reason to think he would either. I feel guilty now because I still have a wife to go home to and he doesn't. I can't swallow because the lump in my throat keeps getting larger and I don't think it's going to go away until I give in to my emotions.

None of this makes sense. Calleigh can't be dead, I mean, I just saw her this morning, teased her about the lousy coffee she made in the break room, how can she be dead?

I love Calleigh, I love teasing Calleigh. We've worked together and been friends for more years than I can remember. I can't imagine not having her in my life any more.

Today was just an ordinary day. Speed and I were processing a messy scene at the beach, our least favorite venue, and Calleigh was in the ballistics lab. She told us to 'be careful' when we left, just like she always does. We had no idea she had gone to a scene, we were so busy Speed didn't check his messages.

We knew H was in court so we were surprised to see him pull up in the Hummer. There was no way to prepare for what came next.

The look on his face told us everything we didn't want to know, pained is the only way I can describe it, and when he looked directly at Speed, the color just drained from my friend's face, he knew before a word was spoken and just shook his head. I reached out and put both my hands on his shoulders to keep him steady. I can't even tell you exactly what H said, my brain didn't want to grasp it, I just know Speed managed to choke out, "take me to her," and that's the last he spoke.

We got out of there immediately, for what felt like the longest ride in my life, in the eeriest silence, save the traffic noise, almost comforting in it's normalcy. Speed just sat slumped in the back with his head in his hands, neither H, nor I, knew of anything we could say or do that would give him even the smallest amount of comfort. I know it's the most helpless I've ever felt in my life and I never want to revisit it.

I can't help but wonder, could it have been one of us, should it have been one of us? If we had gotten the call, one of us would've gone to help Ryan. But H knew what we were dealing with at the beach, he put the call in to who was available and that was Cal. I know he would have gone himself if he hadn't been detained in court. If someone else had taken the call would the outcome have been the same? Of course, we can ponder this forever and it won't change the fact that Cal is dead.

Still, could it have been me today? That thought just won't leave my head. Would Speed be comforting my wife? Do I allow myself to be grateful that it wasn't me? But what kind of person does that make me, happy to be alive when my friend isn't? A single tear makes it's way down my cheek, I almost don't notice, so caught up am I in these swirling thoughts. I roughly wipe at my cheek with my hand, ashamed for thinking of myself, when all that matters is Calleigh.

Calleigh is really dead. It's hard for me to even think these words. You spend your whole career knowing that dying in the line of duty is a risk you face every day, you just put it in the back of your mind so you are able to function in your job, at least that's what I try to do. You keep your affairs in order, you live your best life and you try to be prepared for what could happen. Sounds so simple and tidy. But I learned today, there is no preparation for this harsh reality. No preparation for this punched in the gut feeling. None at all. I lost a best friend, someone I'll never get over losing, but that pales compared to what my other best friend lost. I can't begin to imagine what this feels like for him. He never got to say 'goodbye', none of us did, but that's what he's doing right now.

I left him at the morgue. We walked him there, H and I, flanked on either side. The halls were as eerily quiet as the ride had been, everyone steered clear of us, the news had spread quickly. Once there, Speed all but lunged into the room and except for a glance at her beautiful blonde head, which made my heart break, I couldn't look, for as much as I wanted to be there for him, he needed to be alone with her. That's when H told me there was something I needed to do and he would wait outside the morgue for Speed.

So here I sit in my car, in the parking lot of this red brick elementary school, hands shaking and trying not to shed another tear, waiting for the guts to go inside to collect Speed and Calleigh's daughters, so I can bring them home where their father will tell them that their adored mother is dead, and try to get six year olds to grasp what we adults are having trouble with. And again, I can't believe this is real. My head feels like it's gonna explode.

I love these little girls, mini Calleighs, with a little of Speed's quirks and stubbornness thrown in the mix. I was thrilled when I was asked to be a godfather, and have delighted in spoiling them, then returning them to their parents. Now I have to get them home without telling them the real reason Uncle Eric is picking them up. My head feels like it's trapped in a vice that someone keeps tightening. I don't know how we'll get through the next couple of hours, this is going to be really tough.

How do you tell them, what do you say? How do you help them get through this? They're so young and they love her so much. I'm afraid they will always remember this as the saddest day of their lives and I don't think anything we do can change that. No matter how much we love them, they'll always miss their mother. She was a devoted mother, it came to her naturally, a side of her I had never seen, such a contrast to the 'don't mess with me' spitfire on the firing range.

I don't know how my friend will get through this either, she's everything to him. The guy was smitten with her probably from the first day she walked in the lab, but acted like he wasn't. I don't know if he would've ever pursued her, he didn't think he stood a chance and honestly, I didn't think he did either. It was Calleigh who ended up asking him out on a date, kind of a spontaneous thing, although Alexx likes to take credit for putting the idea in her head. It was a huge surprise to me, probably to him as well and I was a little bit jealous till I saw how well they fit together. I'm not sure if Calleigh knew then that he was in love with her, but she figured it out pretty quickly and that was that. He asked her to marry him after dating one month, I'm actually surprised he waited that long, he bought the ring after two weeks. She never hesitated with her answer and they've been happy ever since.

You couldn't be around them and not envy what they had. I know I did and it was enough to get me to rethink the way my life was going. After far too many random sexual encounters with interchangeable women who meant nothing to me, or me to them, I began to long for someone who looked at me the way Cal looked at Speed. I wanted someone to share my life with, someone who mattered. It took some doing, but I changed my ways and was smart enough to recognize the best thing that ever happened to me, meeting Jenna, when it did finally happen and not to screw it up. Speed and Calleigh were behind me every step of the way.

My faith tells me that all things happen for a reason, but I'm not able to find a reason for this. We're the 'good guys' here. There's no reason these little girls should grow up without a mother, or Speed should lose the love of his life. My faith is being sorely tested, but I can't think about that now, I've got to get the twins and bring them home.