Promises Made

Alexx

I'm just finishing scrubbing down the table, it's my last task for the day before I can head home. I'm bone weary these days, I still haven't gotten my usual energy level back. We all wander around here like the walking wounded even though a month has already passed us by. No one really says much, but we all know what's on our minds. As I rinse down the silver table, I feel the familiar prickle of tears. Damn, that's been happening a lot. Behind the tears is the urge to take a hammer to this very table and beat the hell out of it. I know it's not my nature to be violent, but sometimes I wonder if it would help to dispel some of this emotion that drags me down.

I am still haunted by the sight of that beautiful girl on my table, her passing was too sudden for any of us to prepare for and it was much too soon for her to leave us. So tiny and delicate, with her beautiful hair all around her, and so pale, she seemed to blend in with the sheet. I had a hard time looking at that gunshot wound and all that blood, and I see that stuff over and over till I'm immune from the affects of it.

The only thing that saved me that day was that she looked so peaceful, like she was just asleep with Timmy by her side. I know it hurts him so much that he wasn't with her, if he couldn't trade places with her, he would've given anything to be with her when she needed him most. I try to tell him she carried his love with her always, but I don't know how much it helps, I'll just keep telling him till he finally believes it.

I, myself, continue to have a hard time believing Calleigh is really gone. I keep expecting her to walk in with that beaming smile and her sassy spunk, or to see her sneaking a kiss from that husband of hers when she thinks no one's looking. I have lost a colleague, ally, confidant, and a trusted friend who loved me enough to want me to be part of her daughter's lives. An uncontrollable shudder passes over me making me stop what I'm doing for a moment. I can't replace her in my life, there's just a big hole, and when it's not filled with sadness, it's filled with anger or some combination of the two, and I know that's why I'm so weary these days.

I've seen my fair share, and then some, of poor innocents struck down in the prime of their lives, leaving behind grieving families, and although I care, they haven't affected me the way this has. I've learned not to get emotionally involved, my job is simply to be the victim's last voice and to treat them with respect, but never before has it been someone I love on my table. This sorrow won't leave me, maybe because so many that I love have been touched by this tragedy.

I wanted to be the one to take care of her, even though I knew I'd never be able to do my job properly, I'd never be able to do more than stroke her cheek. I had to leave her in someone else's hands and that was difficult for me, I couldn't help but think I was letting her down. I hope she understood, I think she would. The most I could do was to be the one who removed her wedding rings, I couldn't let any one else do that, I had to be the one to give them to Timmy. Her marriage, along with their babies, was more important than anything else in her life. Those rings, and what they stood for, were priceless to her. I knew he would need to have them.

I think about the two of them on the day they married, they only had eyes for each other, so in love they were, and it never changed for them, never lessened in strength or intensity. He had loved her for so long, but kept it to himself. He wouldn't tell her, wouldn't admit to anyone how deep his feelings were, but I knew, I could see it in his eyes. After they announced their engagement, I was free to tease him about his stubborn refusal to act on his feelings, waiting until she made the first move to fess up. He was as serious as I'd ever seen him when he answered me, he said he could not imagine her loving him back. But love him back she did, she all but glowed in his presence and simply delighted in taking care of him and their babies.

Now my poor Timmy is broken hearted, and each day he is slipping away more and more. She was his whole world, he's just lost without her. No one knows if or when he'll return to work. I just can't imagine what that will be like for him. He's closed himself off, won't let anyone in, we're all starting to get a bit worried. He's trying to do his best with his daughters, they're the only thing keeping him going, but he's even having a hard time with that. In time I hope he'll see that he hasn't lost Calleigh forever, he'll always have her in the form of those two beautiful girls of his. He just can't see it now.

I worry about Horatio as well, he's taking this to heart, telling himself if he hadn't called her she would still be with us. I've never seen him look so haunted, and he's a man who has seen a lot in his long career, both personally and professionally. I keep telling him he's not to blame, but he won't let that message get through. Fortunately he's not letting his guilt keep him from helping those that need him.

"Sugar, we all miss you so. I hope you're not up there worrying about us. I promise you, I will always look after your family like I do my own." I talk to her when the mood hits me, I like to think she's listening in. I don't mind our one sided conversations, I'm used to them in my line of work.

" You can be proud of your babies, they are doing as well as can be expected and they have been a comfort to all of us."

I am reminded of the sight of them walking to the cemetery for the burial, on either side of their father, each holding one of his hands, it's not a sight I'll soon forget.

"We'll give them lots of love and keep you in their hearts. We'll talk again soon." I look up knowing that's where she is, keeping watch on all of us.

It's time for me to go home. I look around one more time, just to make certain I haven't forgotten anything. I've got two families to look after now, I can manage, I've got enough love for both, I won't let down my friend.