Promises Made, Promises Kept

Eric

I wander around my house, trying to straighten up as best I can, amazed once again at how much damage my four year old son can do in a confined space with what must be hundreds of small cars. Where did they all come from? My wife, who is now expecting our second child, and son are over at Speed's house for the day. I'm going to join them soon, but wanted to surprise my wife with a clean house when she returns home tonight. My eyes catch the framed photo on the table and linger there, compelling me to stop what I'm doing and pick it up.

It's a photo of Calleigh, Speed and I taken the night we celebrated my first anniversary as a CSI. It was so long ago and I'm taken aback by how young and eager we look. This was even before Speed and Calleigh got together, when he was still pretending he didn't have the hots for her, as if we didn't all know better. I can't help but smile at the memory. I put the photo back not wanting to get too caught up in the past.

The last fourteen months have been difficult, for each of us in our own way, but we're all moving forward now. We've gotten through holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, the first ones being the most difficult. Too many times I've wished I could just forget and pretend nothing has changed, at least for a little while, but I can't, I made a promise to a friend to always keep her memory alive and watch over her family, and it's one I intend to keep. I know she'd do the same for me.

No matter what, I'll be there for Speed and his girls, as will H, we've got his back, always. I was there when he found out his wife was killed, I was there when he told his daughters that their mother was dead, I was there when his wife, their mother, was lowered into the ground and I was there two months later when H and I told him that he needed to get help for his depression because he couldn't see how it was hurting his daughters. If he didn't get help we told him, then Jenna and I would be forced to take the girls to live with us for awhile. That might have been the hardest time for all of us, because how do you further break a man who's already broken?

Fortunately Speed got the help he needed and although it's been a struggle for him, he'd do anything for those girls, no matter how hard it was for him personally. I'm beginning to see glimpses of the 'old Speed' more often, as he begins to inhabit his life again. As Calleigh did before them, his daughters have the ability to bring out the best in him, the side he rarely shows others. I know there are still days he wishes he didn't have to get out of bed in the morning, but I give him a lot of credit because his girls are blossoming and he's the one most responsible for that.

It was rough for the twins in the beginning, as one would expect, there was just no way to help them understand why someone would hurt their mother, especially when none of us understood. They cried themselves to sleep more nights than I care to remember. They kept seeing her in their dreams and were convinced she was coming back. It was strange how they would have almost the exact same dreams, just a 'twin' thing, I guess. They were afraid to leave Speed's side for quite awhile, afraid something would happen to him as well. Somehow we all helped them through the roughest time. And they did get the kittens their parents promised, which provided them with a bit of happiness when it was sorely needed.

Going back to work was hard on all of us, not only did we have to deal with the loss of our friend and colleague, but we each had to face our own mortality, wondering if the next bullet had one of our names on it. I never considered quitting, although this took an awful toll on my wife and she still worries more than she used to. She lost her dear friend to a bullet, and has to worry her husband might be next.

When Speed finally came back to work, H arranged it so that he wouldn't have to go out in the field again. H wouldn't let Speed go to a crime scene even if he wanted to, he couldn't risk anything happening to the only parent those girls have left. Speed's always been happiest in the labs, but selfishly, I miss my friend out there with me in the field, we always worked so well together.

I know H has struggled with a lot of guilt since he was the one who asked Calleigh to go to that scene, even though there was nothing he could have done to prevent the shooting. I'm aware that Speed has told him over and over that he does not hold him responsible. The gunman came out of nowhere and she was surprised, she never had a chance. He still feels it's his job to protect us and that he somehow failed her. She was so special to all of us, it makes the loss that much harder, plus he worries about Speed and our goddaughters. I'm not sure he'll ever completely be able to get over this loss.

Wolfe has had his own share of guilt, even though he could not have prevented the attack and did nothing wrong. It was a hard thing for him to live with and for awhile I was certain he would look for a job elsewhere. Speed and Wolfe have dealt with the tension that was between them and are back to being able to work together the way they once did.

The gunman, still firing his weapon, was shot and killed that day by one of the uniforms as he was trying to flee the scene. We were all grateful Speed was spared having to deal with a trial and it's aftermath, but nothing will bring Calleigh back to us.

My thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of the phone. I recognize the number on the screen and have to laugh at the chaos I hear in the background when I pick up and say, "hello".

"Hey, you coming soon?" asks Speed above the din. Just how many people are over there?

"Yeah," I answer, " you need something?"

"Bring all of Jenna's hairspray and gel," he instructs me.

"Hairspray? Gel?" I'm a bit confused, then I remember, Jenna is getting the girls ready for their ballet performance tonight and that involves doing their hair, something my friend has yet to master.

"Apparently I've bought the wrong products and I've got one daughter close to a meltdown about her hair." I'm wondering if he's close to a meltdown as well, this being their first big show, something that would have been huge for Cal. He continues, "I'm told their hair has to be perfect and your wife says she has just what we need and you'll know where to find it."

Huh? I do? She's got so much of that stuff in the bathroom, I usually don't pay any attention to it. I wander into the bathroom and begin rooting around, confused by all the different labels, worried I'll bring the wrong stuff. You'd never know I'm a scientist.

"Delko are you paying attention?" he asks, sounding just a bit aggravated, snapping me back to attention.

This situation somehow strikes me as funny and I can't help but laugh. Speed's not exactly known for even combing his hair and now he's sounding desperate about hair products. This just makes me laugh more.

"It's not that funny." He tries to sound serious, but I can hear the chuckle in his voice, and it's a good sound to hear coming from him, as he realizes the same thing I just did, we are two grown men having a panic about hair products. "Just bring the stuff, OK?"

"Don't worry, I will." There's a pause while I debate whether to ask him the question that's been on my mind all day, the one he knows I'm gonna ask.

"You OK?" There I asked. There's another pause before he answers and I imagine him looking around at the chaos, the signs of life going on in the home he and Calleigh created.

"Yeah Delko, I'm OK," he answers without sarcasm or bitterness, he knows why I ask and he accepts it, knows I do it as much for Calleigh as for him.

"All right, I'll be by soon. Hang in there." I hang up knowing there's something else I must do today before I head over besides find hair stuff. I have a friend to visit.

I park my car and make my way to the now familiar destination, waving to the caretaker who recognizes me. It's a beautiful day and I have to smile when I notice there are papers left on top of the gravestone, held in place by rocks. I never know what I'll find here.

"Hey Calleigh, I see you've had visitors who came bearing gifts. What'd you get today?" I pick up the papers, careful of the photograph I notice lying underneath them. Spelling tests, one a 95, the other a perfect 100. I laugh at the differences in hand writing, one is neat and tidy, the other more like chicken scratch. "They are their parent's children," I say out loud. I look at the photo now, it's the same one I have at home, the two are in their dance outfits. They're beautiful, the spitting image of their mother, and I get a lump in my throat thinking about how my friend is missing out on watching her daughters grow up. When they visit, they bring pieces of their life to leave for their mother, school papers, drawings, photos, even baby teeth. It's a sweet gesture and the caretaker is careful to collect the leavings and store them for Speed.

"They're amazing girls Cal. You can be really proud of them. Speed's doing a good job. He's got to stop doubting himself, he's a great dad." I carefully put the papers and photo back under the rocks and admire the beautiful flowers, all different kinds and different colors, mostly Cal's favorites. I know Speed is here a lot.

"We all miss you. I know you'll be watching tonight. Speed's still trying to interest the girls in baseball, but he's fighting a losing battle, they only care about ballet and their cats. They are very determined little girls. Wonder which of you they got that from?" I laugh out loud at that and reach out to touch the cool marble, carefully fingering the letters etched in the stone.

"Don't worry. We're all taking care of them. I won't let you down, I promise."

I make my way back to my car, happy I came, but reminded once again, that the sadness never completely goes away.

We've assembled quite a large group here tonight to support the twins. Most of the lab seems to be here as well as Speed's parents, and some of Cal's family. Speed's folks spend more time in Miami now than they do in NY, having bought a home here. They are trying to be what their son needs and he is trying to let them. It's a process, but having them around is good for the girls, and it would make Calleigh happy to know he is trying to be closer to his family.

Speed's getting a bit anxious waiting for the curtain to rise. The girls have been given a small solo part, which is a big deal considering their ages. Their dance teacher says they are quite talented, which confounds their father, who could better understand a proficiency in, say, baseball. This ballet stuff is foreign to him, ballet lessons were Calleigh's doing.

I glance at him and notice he's fingering his wedding band, which he does a lot now, probably without realizing it. It's his last tie to Calleigh, next to the twins. He was asked once how long he planned to wear his wedding ring. His brusque response? "Till I'm dead." Who knows. I'm not sure he'll ever have room in his heart for anyone else. He loved his wife, I don't think he wants to love again, but I hate to think of him alone forever, I'm sure that's not what Cal would want either.

"Hey, relax," I tell him, "they'll be fine." Who am I kidding, I'm a nervous wreck as well. He nods in response, still fidgeting with his ring. H is working the video camera, even though we all felt Tyler should do it, an argument we lost. It's good to see H with a smile on his face, he takes his role as godfather very seriously, and wouldn't miss this night for the world. Ryan is here as well, with his girlfriend, lending their support, which is a bit of a surprise, but he seems genuinely happy to be a part of this. Alexx is by my wife's side, keeping my son distracted with a story, she would never miss this. I look over at my wife and give her hand a squeeze, she gives me a kiss on the cheek in return.

The twins are better than fine, they are really quite good and looked strong and confident on the stage. Who knew? This is obviously a talent they didn't get from their father. I look at Speed who's got a smile on his face as he wipes away a couple of tears, a bittersweet moment if I ever saw one. I know he's wishing Calleigh was here to share this moment, she'd be in her glory. I like to think she has been here with us.

Time heals, friends and family help, scars will linger. Each person navigates his own path through grief. A lot of people's lives were affected the day Calleigh got shot, all we can do is be there for each other and keep her memory alive for her daughters. We came together tonight to support two little girls, who danced their hearts out for their family in the audience and their mom in heaven, and their father, whose broken heart may never heal completely. That's all we can do. We keep our promises.

the end