Chapter 15

Dinnertime!

"Pizza, Thai or Chinese?" Asked a paper covered Sandy Cohen from the kitchen bench. "Or, we could even go for Japanese. I don't mind going into Newport for some sashimi." He pulled out yet another menu from the drawer and waved it around.

I was sitting cross-legged on the couch, playing Halo against Seth. The deepest concentration was a must when playing the almighty video game, so I did not respond to Sandy's questions.

"Umm…Chinese will be fine Dad," replied Seth absentmindedly. "Hey, where's Mom tonight anyways?"

"Nowhere special, she just caught up finishing off some-"

"Yes! Yes! I am finally kicking your ass Chelsea!" shrieked Seth.

Sandy gave up trying to have a conversation with us and simply walked off to call for the Chinese.

"Not for long step-brother Cohen! For I always win Halo!" I replied in a confident tone and soon enough, I was soon beating him once again.

Sure enough, the trusty Newport Chinese Restaurant delivered within their 30-minute time limit so we saved the game and migrated off towards the dinner table.

Sandy was bringing the food in from the door and I went off to get some plates.

"Which one is-" I asked unsurely but got cut off by Ryan taking out the plates for me to see where they were stored.

"Thanks," I replied and smiled back at my brother as he helped me set the table.

I grabbed some glasses and a bottle of water out of the refrigerator, placed it onto the middle of the table and sat down with the rest of them. Tonight I was surrounded by testosterone.

Everybody had started eating by the time I had gotten to the table, so I just helped myself to a to an egg roll.

"So, people, how was school today? It seems like you guys are too busy to tell me what's going on with your lives these days," questioned Sandy.

"Hmm, nothing much, nothing much," said Seth and he winked at me.

I knew what that wink meant. Which reminded me, "Sandy?"

"Yes Chelsea"

"Would you mind if I went over to Clayton's house this Sunday at around 1pm? We have a Drama assignment that we need to complete together."

"Sure Chelsea," he replied smiling "it's wonderful that you're socialising here already." He reached for some moo shu pork and I, smiling, took another bite of my egg roll.

I helped clear up dinner and everyone went their separate ways. Seth and I had agreed that we'd finish the game tomorrow, Sandy had to make a business call and Kirsten still wasn't home. Ryan was in the pool house doing God knows what, so I decided it was my sisterly duty to bug him.

I quietly opened the door leading into the backyard. The cold night sent a shiver down my spine and I took a moment to breathe in the nighttime air.

"Oh Lord," I whispered to myself, "what am I doing here?" Such a sudden change of mood overtook my body and I radically transformed from annoying younger sister mode to just another solemn being walking this earth. Just another tiny pin prick on a map of the world. Even less than a pin prick.

"What is my calling? What do I have to do? I don't know Lord, I seriously don't know. Here I am, so lucky to be here, with my brother and a fantastic family, and yet still I am troubled. I have that giddy feeling of love inside of me, but does he love me back? Can I really love someone? I don't know if I can let him come too close…I don't know if I can have him."

All these thoughts went through my mind. Everything I had been thinking about lately. Tonight, everything was just sprung onto me, all in one go…I didn't know if I could handle all of this at once.

I felt like a victim of emotional breakdown to some extent. I was so distraught, so angry, so weak. I wanted to just cry. Just cry and cry and cry and cry. Maybe I could cry all the pain away. Maybe I could just let it wash away. Get it out of me…

I quickly made up my mind.

"Umm, Ryan!" I called.

"Yeah," I heard faintly from the pool house. I could hear the shuffling of his feet and then the opening of the door. He stood there in sweatpants and a wife beater with a friendly look on his face that said "keep going, what is it that you wanted to say to me?"

"I'm going down to the beach for a while,"

And even though I saw that look on is face, like he was trying to stop me, I left before he could. I needed to go, not even Ryan was going to stop me.

I quickly slipped into my room to grab a jacket and then left immediately. I stepped carefully out once again into the cold outdoors and instinctively pulled my arms through the sleeves in the jacket, then zipped it up.

I clunked purposefully down the street and took the appropriate turns. Surprisingly, I pretty much knew my way around Newport quite well. Too bad I wasn't as knowledgeable at learning my way around school.

Once again I found myself walking towards my haven. But this time it wasn't 4am and a sinking in my stomach made me realise that Clayton would probably not be there right now. Nevertheless, I went to the beach and found a spot on the sand. Just dark enough to keep me hidden and just lit up enough by the moon to help me see.

But why should I need to see?

I started bawling. Literally bawling. My body was shaking and all I could do was surrender myself to my emotions. I was so lost. I was just so lost.

"Don't cry over spilt milk," people say, but they obviously do not realise just how cathartic crying can be.

Eventually, I came home and although my problems can't all be sorted in one go, I know that I think I just need to be at peace for a while. I've gone through so many changing experiences lately, maybe this is what I need to do. Let it come, be numb and just let it come.

Breathe in. Turn on music. Breathe out.

Author's Note – Hello everyone! I believe that at the time of my last post, I was unlucky enough to post it at a time when the site was having a few problems with their sending-out-of-emails-that-say-I've-updated function wasn't working, so hopefully this time around, people are alerted, and I get plenty of reviews! And, if you've read this far I would just like to say thankyou for bearing with me, I believe that this chapter will be the final of the 'beginning', so to speak, chapters and things will start happening (well, more things anyways:-)

So smile, be happy and watch out for the next chapter of 'Chelsea Atwood', hopefully coming soon to an internet site near you!

-H