Disclaimer: "Only the insane equate pain with suffering."
(An: Well, I just got Princess Monoke on dvd... and God, it blew me away. I think it's the only time I've ever watched it that I've seen it from the beginning, without getting interrupted. Totally kickass. One of these days, I'll write a full-fledged story for this, you watch me! In the meantime, you'll have to settle for this...)
Ashitaka
Toki catches me working at the bellows again. She's told me to rest- several times- and is annoyed, understandably, I suppose. "Ashitaka, what the hell are you doing?" she demands, hands on her hips, in that bold-as-brass, men-annoy me way of hers.
"Trying not to think," I say, working the bellows with the women and not missing a beat. The females around me snicker. I know they only let me join them because they knew this would happen.
She cocks her head. "God, Ashi, from looking at you, it's more like you're trying to kill yourself."
I settle for an annoyed glance. Explaining how thoughts of San had completely smothered me today is too hard. "Passing out would work."
Toki glares at me. Then she smirks and makes a gesture in the air. All of the girls mimic her smirk and cry, "One... two.. THREE!" The girls on the other end jump down with all their weight while the ones on my side jump off. I go flying, naturally. I smack against the wall, melancholy thoughts of San replaced by sharp, searing PAIN!
"You planned that, didn't you?" I ask, when the room stops spinning and there's only one Toki, standing in front of me, still smirking.
"No... but the girls here know what I mean when I do that, and you obviously don't," she replies, leering at me.
"Well, I'll keep it in mind," I mutter, getting up. "Ok, that really hurt..." I limp off.
It's been a month or so since San and I parted ways. I haven't seen her since. I've tried to visit, but every time I step into the ruins of the forest, I can't find her. I hear her brothers and see the kadoma, but no San. I keep thinking I've adjusted to the lack of her, and then there's days like this- when everything about her strikes me and I feel like I'll die if I don't see her again. I manage to bury myself in working, usually, but it makes sleeping hard- even when sleep would mean I could be with her in dreams, it's still hard to get my mind to rest.
I love her. There's nothing else to it. Plain and simple. I curse myself every day for being stupid enough to part ways with her. My head knows that helping Irontown was the right thing to do, but that doesn't stop my heart from feeling like it's parted ways with my body and is being stomped on. I could've told her- but I thought she knew. She does know. I'm sure. She must- because she seems so much lke she felt the same way. But if she did, why is she avoiding me? She knows everything about her forest- certainly she'd know when I arrived. Not because I'm at all important- because she seems to love me back.
We woke up together the last time I saw her. It was bliss, having her in my arms for those few moments when she slept on. I'm obsessed- at least I can admit it, right?
I press my palms against my forehead. This was why I was working at the bellows, even though I'm exhausted from helping rebuild the city. These rambling thoughts, unanswered questions, painful emotions- SAN.
I need her here. Now. It's only midnight- maybe she'll be in her cave. I said I'd visit- it's only midnight!
So maybe obsession doesn't even come close. But what would you do if you haven't seen the girl you love for a month? ...Don't answer that.
I consider taking Yakul, then decide against it. I want to go alone. I need to be alone, if I can't be with her. I creep out onto the mountain, away from the guards' (and Toki's) watchful eyes.
San
He's on my mountain. I know. He's in my forest- my regrowing legacy, my home. My brothers sleep peacefully nearby. I haven't been able to, not for a while.
This emotion bothers me- this missing. I miss him. It feels like a constant gnawing ache, somewhere in the middle of my chest. It's become constant, ignorable- except for sometimes, when I look up from the hunt or seedplanting or just thinking and realize he hasn't visited. Well, he has... but I've ignored him. I watch him, miss him, want him, need him... but I don't go to him.
I know he's there. I can see him. Just like every other time. And just like every other time, I can't will myself to move, to go to him, to be his. I know that if I ever did, I wouldn't be who I am anymore- no longer San, Wolf Girl, Princess Mononoke, daughter of the wolf tribe. I'd be San. Human. Ashitaka's.
Part of me- the wolf, the madness that is part of this forest and who I have always been- is terrified of this. The panic is overwhelming, held at bay by an ever-fraying rope that would snap if I got any closer to him.
The other part- smaller, the human, seperate from everything else about me- longs for this every minute of every hour of every day. It is the missing. It is the wanting. It is the needing. It is the pain.
He's here. Only a few dozen feet away. He can't see me. I know that. He's heading for my den. My brothers sleep on, unbothered by his presence, even though I know they sense him too. They learned long ago that I want him here.
He hasn't changed at all. He's still my Ashitaka- my human, my friend, my love.
I shift into a more obvious position. Oh, no, I can't go to him... but that doesn't mean I can't let him find me.
Ashitaka
I peer over the rock at the sleeping, giant wolves inside. Their white hides rise and fall, undisturbed by the absence of San. No San. I slip back down the rock and slump against its smooth side. No San. I don't have any idea where else she might be. No San. She could be anywhere- this is her forest. No San.
I look up, seeing a flash of white in the moonlight. Could it- I shake myself. No. San wouldn't be out here... but I'm desperate. I'll look, and then I'll go home, I tell myself. I stand up and head towards the whiteness.
San
My breath speeds up. He's heading straight for me. RUN! the wolf in me screams. Stay yourself! You don't want to change!
I don't move. It's beyond my hands now. He's right in front of me, about to see me. I have a sudden and ridiculous flash of self-conciousness- my mussy, sleep-tousled hair, my bloody, unwashed-for-eternity wolf-fur cloak, my general unprettiness, as opposed to him, perfect, tall, handsome, princely.
That all disappears when he whispers my name and I suck in my breath.
Ashitaka
"San?" I whisper, begging this not to be a dream, a conjuration of my sleep-starved, energy-starved, San-starved brain.
She gasps, squishing herself against the rock defensively for a moment. Then she lets out the breath, slowly, and nods. She stands, shakily. I can't help but wonder if she's as nervous as I am. If she's as worried as I am. If she's as much in love as I am.
"Hello," she murmurs, almost too softly for me to hear.
I step forward, and, again, for an instant, she shrinks back. Then she swallows and straightens.
San
He's only inches from me now, and he just stands there, staring at me, in the light of the full moon. He walked slowly over to me, but he's panting now, his breathing harsh and uneven. But so is mine, my heartbeat fast and ragged.
He takes another step, closing the gap, so now there's only a finger's-breadth of space between us.
Again, the wolf in me rears back, taking the whole of me with it, and then I relax, the missing, the wanting, the needing all quieted by his presence.
Seeming not to believe I'm there, he reaches out and brushes the stray (mussy-sleep-tousled-ugly) hair from my face. He doesn't seem to notice how bad it looks. Just me- San, Wolf Girl, Princess Mononoke. Or am I? Because right now, I feel like I belong to him.
Ashitaka
She doesn't flinch from my touch. I cup her face in my hands, the feelings inexplicable. "San..." I whisper.
She swallows, just stares at me, says nothing.
I try to think of something to say, something to make all the absences in us better, but I settle on the one thing I've been wanting to say since I first layed eyes on her- "I love you."
She sucks in her breath, still stares, still says nothing.
San
I heard what he said. I know what it means. I know what to say back. I just... can't. Just like I couldn't go to him the times he visited before, just like I couldn't tonight.
I knew how he felt without him saying- I always have. I know that I feel the same- the concious part of me awoke to this when I awoke to him next to me and wished to do so every day of my life.
I say one word. "Ashitaka..."
Ashitaka
She says my name. Bliss. Joy. Hope. Love.
She just continues to stare at me.
Something glints in the light- my crystal dagger. The crystal dagger that Kaya gave to me to show her love. The crystal dagger I, in turn, gave to San to show mine.
She looks down, then meets my eyes again. Touches my face. Nods. Smiles.
"I can't," she murmurs, "but I don't need to."
San
Suddenly everything is all right. With that one statement, the wolf in me quiets. The human too. For once, I am just me. San. Unconflicted. Unworried. And in love.
I wrap my arms around his neck. He breaks out into a wide smile, larger than any I've ever seen on his face. He leans a little closer, asks me something with his eyes. He finds what he wants and kisses me. It's a vulgar thing- humans bumping lips because of affection. But, God, is it satisfying. My misses, my wants, my needs- they all get fulfilled by that one thing.
Ashitaka
She kisses back. Life is perfect. No regrets. No sorrows. For that one instant- it's just me, and her, and our love, everything the way it was meant to be.
I back off, slowly. San blinks at me, gorgeous in the moonlight, her bone earrings reflecting it. She shakes her head. She pulls me back down to her. She loves me. I love her. She knows. I know.
I slip my arms around her waist.
I don't know what'll happen tomorrow. I don't know why she avoided me. I don't know a lot of things- but I know one thing: I love San. And I always will.
(Hmm... well, that was interesting. If you thought so, why not reviews? My confidence could use the boost.)