Disclaimer: I've been writing all sorts of letters to Santa. But he STILL won't bring me Trigun or the rights to it. So I'll just have to go beat the crap out of the jolly old man and steal them! Mua ha ha ha! Oh. Don't own Chicken Run either. Nor am I advertising for Calvin Klein.
A/N: Alright. For the benefit of the fangirls, I shall make clear the details on Knives' sex change in this chapter. We'll even see Rem make an appearance! Oh. And I've noticed that I've developed a love for picking on dear old Knivesy-poo.
Knives: Don't call me that.
Okay, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: Call me that again and I'll shoot you.
Okay, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: DAMN YOU WOMAN!
Yes, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Okay, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: STOP IT!!!!! STOP IT I SAY!!!!!!!!!
As you wish, Knivesy-poo.
Knives:.......
What is it, Knivesy-poo?
Knives: I give up.
n.n I knew you would.
Knives: Gasp. You didn't call me that name!
Knivesy-poo.
Knives: ARGH!!!!
Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties
Chapter 5 - Knives's Secret Alektorophobia
Wolfwood: I think I need a drink.
Vash: So...all this time...Knives was really my sister?!
Legato: O.O -still in shock.-
Mysterious, disembodied,yet familiar voice: No no no, Vash. Knives was your sister. Now he's your brother.
Vash: Oh. So he was born a girl?
Voice: Yes.
Vash: Oh. That makes a bit more sense. But why did he do it?
Voice: It was the PMS. He couldn't stand it.
Vash: Oh. Hey, Meryl! Maybe you should get a sex change. I mean, you're PMSy all the time.
Meryl: Right. And then you'd have a gay stalker instead of a straight one.
Vash: O.O Nevermind.
Millie: Stalker? Mr. Vash has a stalker?
Meryl: -coughcoughhackhack.- Nevermind, Millie.
Millie: Okay. -goes back to eating pudding while sitting in Wolfwood's lap.-
Voice: Ahem.
Vash: So...who are you anyway?
Voice: ....
Vash: Are you not going to tell me?
Voice: Moron.
Vash: What? What'd I do? -whines.-
Voice: Grrr....YOU MEAN AFTER 130 YEARS OF WORSHIPPING ME AND DOING NOTHING BUT FOLLOWING MY LOVE AND PEACE CRAP YOU CAN'T RECOGNIZE MY VOICE???? YOU JACKASS! -THWAP.-
Vash: ITAI!!!! Rem? Is that you???
Voice: Yes, idiot, it is I, Rem.
Vash: Oh, Rem! Where are you?!?!
Rem: The same place I've been for the past 130 years. Dead. Moron.
Vash: Why are you so cranky all of a sudden?
Rem: Being dead for 130 years doesn't improve a body's mood, especially when your prot‚g‚ is rampaging around this dustball of a planet wreaking havoc whereever he goes and behaving like a bimble chasing anything in a skirt and getting drunk all the time.
Vash: Eh heh heh heh...I wonder who that could be...;
Meryl: -stands on a stepladder and holds a giant flashy neon orange sign with an arrow pointing downwards over Vash's head.-
Vash: -looks up.- AAAAAAHHHHH!
Rem: -twitch.- Uh...I've got to go now. I've got...dead people..things..to do. Right. Yeah. Uh..bye! -POOF.-
Vash: NOOOO! Rem, don't leave me again! Noo!
Wolfwood: He's getting quite annoying.
Meryl: I agree.
Wolfwood & Meryl: -glance at each other conspiratorially.-
Vash: -is suddenly hit on the back of the head with a two by four and knocked unconscious.-
Meryl: Much better.
Sephy comes back in, dragging Master Knives behind her.
Midvalley: Well, look who's back.
Legato: Master?
Knives: Yes Legato?
Legato: Im scared of you.
Knives: ...Will a hot dog help?
Legato: Yes. n.n
Wolfwood: Well if nobody else is going to eat this 47 layer rum cake, I will!
Zazie: Ooh, I want some!
Dominique: Nope. Sorry kid. You have to be at least 8.
Zazie: You suck.
Dominique: I thought I burned those tapes.
Everyone: o.O
Vash: -wakes up.- Ow. What the hell happened?
Authoress: You were knocked out by a two by four, Vash.
Vash: How'd that happen? And who are you?
Authoress: It happened because I said it did. And I am your...hm, well, I can't say I'm your maker, cause then I'd get sued. Let's just say I'm your puppetmaster. cackles evilly
Vash: Puppet master? Huh?
Authoress: Just watch.
Vash: -takes said two by four and repeatedly smacks himself in the face.- Ow! What the crap? Itai!!
Authoress: No more stupid questions. Back to the fic.
Vash: What happened? I don't remember any of the last 2 minutes.
Chapel: Uh...you had a donut overdose?
Vash: Ah. I see. I've done that a lot.
Meryl: Vash..have you ever considered seeing a therapist?
Vash: I did. But he said he had to make an appointment with some other therapist just to handle my problems. o.o
Meryl: Nevermind.
Millie: I'm bored. Can we watch a movie?
Vash: Only if I get to pick!
Wolfwood: Fine. Vash, what do you want to watch?
Vash: -ponders.-
Vash: I know! How about Chicken Run!
Everyone: Yeah. Okay.
Knives: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -suddenly enraged.-
Wolfwood: What, you got something against chickens, Knives?
Knives: No. I just don't want to watch that piece of shit.
Vash: Well too bad. Cause you hafta!
All the windows, doors, and other unmentioned openings that could be described as an exit were suddenly blocked by large steel panels, reinforced by electric fencing.
Knives: -gulp.- Sephy, find a way out of his place, now!
Sephy: I'm sorry master. There is no way out.
Knives: -mutters something unintelligable.-
Suddenly, everything was sucked into the floor and was replaced by a home movie set, with enough seats for everyone present.
Vash: Yay! -grabs a fistfull of popcorn-flavoured donuts from a randomly appearing bowl and stuffs it in his mouth.-
Meryl: Ooh! Randomly appearing coffee! -gulps it down.-
Millie: Ooooh! A pudding dispensor! With 17,000 different flavours!
Wolfwood: Free cigs. Awesome.
Knives: -sits down nervously.-
Legato: What's wrong Master? You look pale, sweaty, your eyes are shifting suspiciously, and your twitching and fidgeting strangely.
Knives: e.e They didn't have to know that Legato. -chains spring up from the chair, imprisoning Knives in the chair.-
Vash: Well that settles. If the metal panneling and electric fencing and chains are any indicators, you're staying for the movie Knives.
Meryl: Shut up. The movie's starting.
(A/N: I haven't seen Chicken Run in a really long time. So I can't quote anything from the movie. Screw that. I can't even remember what happened in the movie. x.x So you just get to use your imaginations.)
--------------------------------------Two Hours Later.------------------------------------------------
Vash: That was awesome! I love that movie!
Wolfwood: -grumbles.-
Meryl: -asleep.-
Sephy: Almighty Godly Master? Are you okay?
Legato: You do look a bit pale master.
Knives: -is sitting there curled up in the chair (don't know how he managed this, being tied up), rocking back and forth and muttering wildy while his eyes, which are bugging out of his head, are still staring at the screen.-
Wolfwood: Yo, are you sure you're okay, man?
Knives: .... O.O
Millie: Didn't you like the movie Mr. Knives?
Knives: .... O.O
Vash: Uh...all the humans are dead?
Knives: .... O.O
E.G. Mine: Somehow I don't think he's okay.
Chapel: Maybe we should call a doctor.
---------------------------------------------Half an hour later---------------------------------------------
Doctor: Mr. Stampede, exactly what have you done in the last 3 hours to send Mr. Knives to this state?
Vash: All we did was watch a movie.
Doctor: What movie?
Meryl: Chicken Run.
Doctor: Well, Mr. Vash the Stampede, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but as Mr. Millions Knives' personal doctor, I feel I should tell you because obviously he hasn't.
Vash: What? Is he going to be okay? MY BROTHER ISN'T DYING IS HE???
Doctor: Your brother has an intense case of alektorophobia.
Vash: -blink.- What's that mean?
Meryl: It means he's afraid of chickens, you idiot.
Vash: O.O
Legato: Master? Is this true?
Knives: -has not changed since we last saw him 30 minutes ago.- .... O.O
Vash: This is just way too much information to absorb. First, the sex change, and now the chicken fear?! What else hasn't he told me, that he's a male model for Calvin Klein?!?!?
Legato: He tried that once. He said the underwear were too tight.
Vash: ....I didn't really want to know that.
Legato: -shrugs.- You asked. -munches happily on a hot dog.-
Vash: I need a donut. -walks off into the kitchen.-
Wolfwood: So,doc, how long's he gonna be this way? -lights up a cigarette.-
Doctor: I would prefer it if you didn't smoke while I'm here. And, I don't know how long he'll be like this. His case is pretty intense.
Zazie: So what'd the chickens do to make him so afraid of them?
Doctor: I don't know. He's never told me.
Vash: -walking back in with a mouthful of donuts.- Fanks, dofc. Fe'll fake fit from fere.
Doctor: No problem, Mr. Stampede. -leaves.-
Wolfwood: So what are we gonna do about blondie here?
Sephy: Master? Hello? -gets in next to his ear.- HELLO? MASTER? CAN YOU HEAR ME? WAKE UP!!!!!!!
Knives: .... O.O
Legato: Master. I want to be your boytoy.
Everyone: O.O . X.X THE WRONGNESS!
Knives: .... O.O
Dominique: Do you think he's making that face because of what Legato said or because he didn't even here him in the first place?
Chapel: Who knows.
Meryl: -twitchtwitchtwitch.- Need more coffee.
Legato: -shrugs.- It was worth a shot.
Vash: o.O I never want to here those exact words in that exact order in the same exact sentence come out of your mouth again.
Millie: Well what are we going to do about Mr. Knives? We can't just leave him here.
Wolfwood: Who says we can't?
Meryl: I have an idea. -goes into some other room and comes back with something behind her back.-
Vash: What? What are you going to do to my brother?
Meryl: He just needs a little sedative. That's all. -evil grin.-
Chapel: I don't like that grin she's got on her face. It smacks of malicious intent.
Meryl: Indeed it does! -cackles maniacally.-
Millie: Sempai, what do you have behind your back?
Meryl: Everyone stand back. -pulls out a giant mallet from behind her back.-
Vash: MEEP! O.O Meryl, I promise I will never annoy you again!
Meryl: -grins insanely. rather like Knives.- Here we go! -raises the mallet whilst lightning flashed in the background and suspensful music plays.-
Legato: o.o Don't kill my master.
Meryl: I won't kill him. I'll just give him a light tap on the head. -the expression on her face reveals that she intends to do nothing of the sort.-
Sephy: -closes her eyes and looks away.-
Meryl: -WHAM.-
Knives: -slides out of the seat, unconscious.- X.X (A/N: The chains disappeared at some point. They are irrelevant now anyways. Maybe Legato stole them to use them as torture devices or something. Who knows.)
Vash: -wails.- You killed him!
Legato & Sephy: Master!
Knives: -opens his eyes slightly.- Easy..squeezie..lemon..peezie..i.i -faints.-
A/N: Wheee! So what'd you think?
Knives: I hated it. And I hate you. Stupid spider.
-coughcough.- I happen to be the stupid spider that is your puppetmaster. Dance little puppet, dance!
Knives: One of these days...one of these days....
-raises an eyebrow.- Is that so?
Knives: It happens to be so.
Ohhhhh Vaaaaaaasssssshhhh!
Vash: What? Does it involve free donuts??
Why, yes, it does. But only if you...-leans over and whispers in Vash's ear.-
Vash: O.O Ooooooooooh. Okaaaay. C'mere Wolfy!
Wolfwood: Ow. What.
Vash: -whispers something to Wolfwood.-
Wolfwood: =) Oh yes. -hits the button on a randomly appearing stereo.-
Vash & Wolfwood: -do the chicken dance.-
Knives: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A/N: Alright. For the benefit of the fangirls, I shall make clear the details on Knives' sex change in this chapter. We'll even see Rem make an appearance! Oh. And I've noticed that I've developed a love for picking on dear old Knivesy-poo.
Knives: Don't call me that.
Okay, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: Call me that again and I'll shoot you.
Okay, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: DAMN YOU WOMAN!
Yes, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!
Okay, Knivesy-poo.
Knives: STOP IT!!!!! STOP IT I SAY!!!!!!!!!
As you wish, Knivesy-poo.
Knives:.......
What is it, Knivesy-poo?
Knives: I give up.
n.n I knew you would.
Knives: Gasp. You didn't call me that name!
Knivesy-poo.
Knives: ARGH!!!!
Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties
Chapter 5 - Knives's Secret Alektorophobia
Wolfwood: I think I need a drink.
Vash: So...all this time...Knives was really my sister?!
Legato: O.O -still in shock.-
Mysterious, disembodied,yet familiar voice: No no no, Vash. Knives was your sister. Now he's your brother.
Vash: Oh. So he was born a girl?
Voice: Yes.
Vash: Oh. That makes a bit more sense. But why did he do it?
Voice: It was the PMS. He couldn't stand it.
Vash: Oh. Hey, Meryl! Maybe you should get a sex change. I mean, you're PMSy all the time.
Meryl: Right. And then you'd have a gay stalker instead of a straight one.
Vash: O.O Nevermind.
Millie: Stalker? Mr. Vash has a stalker?
Meryl: -coughcoughhackhack.- Nevermind, Millie.
Millie: Okay. -goes back to eating pudding while sitting in Wolfwood's lap.-
Voice: Ahem.
Vash: So...who are you anyway?
Voice: ....
Vash: Are you not going to tell me?
Voice: Moron.
Vash: What? What'd I do? -whines.-
Voice: Grrr....YOU MEAN AFTER 130 YEARS OF WORSHIPPING ME AND DOING NOTHING BUT FOLLOWING MY LOVE AND PEACE CRAP YOU CAN'T RECOGNIZE MY VOICE???? YOU JACKASS! -THWAP.-
Vash: ITAI!!!! Rem? Is that you???
Voice: Yes, idiot, it is I, Rem.
Vash: Oh, Rem! Where are you?!?!
Rem: The same place I've been for the past 130 years. Dead. Moron.
Vash: Why are you so cranky all of a sudden?
Rem: Being dead for 130 years doesn't improve a body's mood, especially when your prot‚g‚ is rampaging around this dustball of a planet wreaking havoc whereever he goes and behaving like a bimble chasing anything in a skirt and getting drunk all the time.
Vash: Eh heh heh heh...I wonder who that could be...;
Meryl: -stands on a stepladder and holds a giant flashy neon orange sign with an arrow pointing downwards over Vash's head.-
Vash: -looks up.- AAAAAAHHHHH!
Rem: -twitch.- Uh...I've got to go now. I've got...dead people..things..to do. Right. Yeah. Uh..bye! -POOF.-
Vash: NOOOO! Rem, don't leave me again! Noo!
Wolfwood: He's getting quite annoying.
Meryl: I agree.
Wolfwood & Meryl: -glance at each other conspiratorially.-
Vash: -is suddenly hit on the back of the head with a two by four and knocked unconscious.-
Meryl: Much better.
Sephy comes back in, dragging Master Knives behind her.
Midvalley: Well, look who's back.
Legato: Master?
Knives: Yes Legato?
Legato: Im scared of you.
Knives: ...Will a hot dog help?
Legato: Yes. n.n
Wolfwood: Well if nobody else is going to eat this 47 layer rum cake, I will!
Zazie: Ooh, I want some!
Dominique: Nope. Sorry kid. You have to be at least 8.
Zazie: You suck.
Dominique: I thought I burned those tapes.
Everyone: o.O
Vash: -wakes up.- Ow. What the hell happened?
Authoress: You were knocked out by a two by four, Vash.
Vash: How'd that happen? And who are you?
Authoress: It happened because I said it did. And I am your...hm, well, I can't say I'm your maker, cause then I'd get sued. Let's just say I'm your puppetmaster. cackles evilly
Vash: Puppet master? Huh?
Authoress: Just watch.
Vash: -takes said two by four and repeatedly smacks himself in the face.- Ow! What the crap? Itai!!
Authoress: No more stupid questions. Back to the fic.
Vash: What happened? I don't remember any of the last 2 minutes.
Chapel: Uh...you had a donut overdose?
Vash: Ah. I see. I've done that a lot.
Meryl: Vash..have you ever considered seeing a therapist?
Vash: I did. But he said he had to make an appointment with some other therapist just to handle my problems. o.o
Meryl: Nevermind.
Millie: I'm bored. Can we watch a movie?
Vash: Only if I get to pick!
Wolfwood: Fine. Vash, what do you want to watch?
Vash: -ponders.-
Vash: I know! How about Chicken Run!
Everyone: Yeah. Okay.
Knives: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -suddenly enraged.-
Wolfwood: What, you got something against chickens, Knives?
Knives: No. I just don't want to watch that piece of shit.
Vash: Well too bad. Cause you hafta!
All the windows, doors, and other unmentioned openings that could be described as an exit were suddenly blocked by large steel panels, reinforced by electric fencing.
Knives: -gulp.- Sephy, find a way out of his place, now!
Sephy: I'm sorry master. There is no way out.
Knives: -mutters something unintelligable.-
Suddenly, everything was sucked into the floor and was replaced by a home movie set, with enough seats for everyone present.
Vash: Yay! -grabs a fistfull of popcorn-flavoured donuts from a randomly appearing bowl and stuffs it in his mouth.-
Meryl: Ooh! Randomly appearing coffee! -gulps it down.-
Millie: Ooooh! A pudding dispensor! With 17,000 different flavours!
Wolfwood: Free cigs. Awesome.
Knives: -sits down nervously.-
Legato: What's wrong Master? You look pale, sweaty, your eyes are shifting suspiciously, and your twitching and fidgeting strangely.
Knives: e.e They didn't have to know that Legato. -chains spring up from the chair, imprisoning Knives in the chair.-
Vash: Well that settles. If the metal panneling and electric fencing and chains are any indicators, you're staying for the movie Knives.
Meryl: Shut up. The movie's starting.
(A/N: I haven't seen Chicken Run in a really long time. So I can't quote anything from the movie. Screw that. I can't even remember what happened in the movie. x.x So you just get to use your imaginations.)
--------------------------------------Two Hours Later.------------------------------------------------
Vash: That was awesome! I love that movie!
Wolfwood: -grumbles.-
Meryl: -asleep.-
Sephy: Almighty Godly Master? Are you okay?
Legato: You do look a bit pale master.
Knives: -is sitting there curled up in the chair (don't know how he managed this, being tied up), rocking back and forth and muttering wildy while his eyes, which are bugging out of his head, are still staring at the screen.-
Wolfwood: Yo, are you sure you're okay, man?
Knives: .... O.O
Millie: Didn't you like the movie Mr. Knives?
Knives: .... O.O
Vash: Uh...all the humans are dead?
Knives: .... O.O
E.G. Mine: Somehow I don't think he's okay.
Chapel: Maybe we should call a doctor.
---------------------------------------------Half an hour later---------------------------------------------
Doctor: Mr. Stampede, exactly what have you done in the last 3 hours to send Mr. Knives to this state?
Vash: All we did was watch a movie.
Doctor: What movie?
Meryl: Chicken Run.
Doctor: Well, Mr. Vash the Stampede, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but as Mr. Millions Knives' personal doctor, I feel I should tell you because obviously he hasn't.
Vash: What? Is he going to be okay? MY BROTHER ISN'T DYING IS HE???
Doctor: Your brother has an intense case of alektorophobia.
Vash: -blink.- What's that mean?
Meryl: It means he's afraid of chickens, you idiot.
Vash: O.O
Legato: Master? Is this true?
Knives: -has not changed since we last saw him 30 minutes ago.- .... O.O
Vash: This is just way too much information to absorb. First, the sex change, and now the chicken fear?! What else hasn't he told me, that he's a male model for Calvin Klein?!?!?
Legato: He tried that once. He said the underwear were too tight.
Vash: ....I didn't really want to know that.
Legato: -shrugs.- You asked. -munches happily on a hot dog.-
Vash: I need a donut. -walks off into the kitchen.-
Wolfwood: So,doc, how long's he gonna be this way? -lights up a cigarette.-
Doctor: I would prefer it if you didn't smoke while I'm here. And, I don't know how long he'll be like this. His case is pretty intense.
Zazie: So what'd the chickens do to make him so afraid of them?
Doctor: I don't know. He's never told me.
Vash: -walking back in with a mouthful of donuts.- Fanks, dofc. Fe'll fake fit from fere.
Doctor: No problem, Mr. Stampede. -leaves.-
Wolfwood: So what are we gonna do about blondie here?
Sephy: Master? Hello? -gets in next to his ear.- HELLO? MASTER? CAN YOU HEAR ME? WAKE UP!!!!!!!
Knives: .... O.O
Legato: Master. I want to be your boytoy.
Everyone: O.O . X.X THE WRONGNESS!
Knives: .... O.O
Dominique: Do you think he's making that face because of what Legato said or because he didn't even here him in the first place?
Chapel: Who knows.
Meryl: -twitchtwitchtwitch.- Need more coffee.
Legato: -shrugs.- It was worth a shot.
Vash: o.O I never want to here those exact words in that exact order in the same exact sentence come out of your mouth again.
Millie: Well what are we going to do about Mr. Knives? We can't just leave him here.
Wolfwood: Who says we can't?
Meryl: I have an idea. -goes into some other room and comes back with something behind her back.-
Vash: What? What are you going to do to my brother?
Meryl: He just needs a little sedative. That's all. -evil grin.-
Chapel: I don't like that grin she's got on her face. It smacks of malicious intent.
Meryl: Indeed it does! -cackles maniacally.-
Millie: Sempai, what do you have behind your back?
Meryl: Everyone stand back. -pulls out a giant mallet from behind her back.-
Vash: MEEP! O.O Meryl, I promise I will never annoy you again!
Meryl: -grins insanely. rather like Knives.- Here we go! -raises the mallet whilst lightning flashed in the background and suspensful music plays.-
Legato: o.o Don't kill my master.
Meryl: I won't kill him. I'll just give him a light tap on the head. -the expression on her face reveals that she intends to do nothing of the sort.-
Sephy: -closes her eyes and looks away.-
Meryl: -WHAM.-
Knives: -slides out of the seat, unconscious.- X.X (A/N: The chains disappeared at some point. They are irrelevant now anyways. Maybe Legato stole them to use them as torture devices or something. Who knows.)
Vash: -wails.- You killed him!
Legato & Sephy: Master!
Knives: -opens his eyes slightly.- Easy..squeezie..lemon..peezie..i.i -faints.-
A/N: Wheee! So what'd you think?
Knives: I hated it. And I hate you. Stupid spider.
-coughcough.- I happen to be the stupid spider that is your puppetmaster. Dance little puppet, dance!
Knives: One of these days...one of these days....
-raises an eyebrow.- Is that so?
Knives: It happens to be so.
Ohhhhh Vaaaaaaasssssshhhh!
Vash: What? Does it involve free donuts??
Why, yes, it does. But only if you...-leans over and whispers in Vash's ear.-
Vash: O.O Ooooooooooh. Okaaaay. C'mere Wolfy!
Wolfwood: Ow. What.
Vash: -whispers something to Wolfwood.-
Wolfwood: =) Oh yes. -hits the button on a randomly appearing stereo.-
Vash & Wolfwood: -do the chicken dance.-
Knives: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!