Disclaimer: Well. I finally convinced Santa to bring me the rights to Trigun for Christmas. I had to use some of my stronger methods of "persuasion", but in the end, Santa relented. I'm a really bad liar aren't I? Yep. So that means I still don't own Trigun and I still resent Santa for his selfishness.
A/N: In this chapter we will find out why Meryl doesn't drink. Now, you may think it's because she had abusive alcoholic parents, or she likes to remain in control of every situation she's in. Well according to THIS story, those theories, though sensible, are crap. My theory is much more strange and unlikely. That's why it gets it's own chapter. Warning: Extreme OOCness and lack of sanity. You have been warned.
Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties
Chapter 6 - In Which We Find Out Why Meryl Doesn't Drink
Vash: -stares at the mallet-beaten Knives' unconscious form.- You killed him! My only brother!
Meryl: -rolls her eyes.- He's not dead. If you hurry and get him on life support, he might still survive.
Sephy: Master! Wake up! -gives him CPR and mouth-to-mouth.-
Wolfwood: -prepares a eulogy.-
Legato: -weeps into a soaked hotdog bun.- Master!
Millie: -is casket shopping with a catalog.-
Meryl: e.e He's not dead.
Vash: Meryl. I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn you in for the murder of my brother.
Meryl: Vash. Do you want the mallet too?
Vash: No. u.u
Meryl: Then remain silent.
Dominique: Let's just get 'im to the hospital and see what they can do for him.
Legato &Vash: -lift Knives between them and carry him out the door.-
Everyone else: -follows.-
Vash: Man. He weighs a ton. What has he been eating?
Legato: Sadly, Master developed a taste for those little Hostess Cupcakes (A/N: Don't own those either.) and he ate them by the dozen.
Vash: Well he needs to go on a diet. Now. x.X
--------------------------------------------At the Hospital----------------------------------------------
Vash: Is he gonna be okay, Doc? Is he is he is he is heisheisheisheishe????
WHACK!
Wolfwood: Thank you Meryl.
Meryl: Hmph.
Doctor: We've got him on life support. He should live. And he should recover from it, physically, in about 2 weeks. Mentally however...
Meryl: -cackle.-
Vash: -glare.-
---------------------------------------------2 Weeks Later----------------------------------------------
Knives: Ugh...my head. Owie.
Vash: KNIVES! YOU'RE ALIVE! -glomp.-
Knives: Itai...x.x
Wolfwood: -pries Vash off with a crowbar.- Dude. You're gonna kill him.
Vash: Aw phooey. No I won't.
Knives: Yes you will. Get off.
Vash: Aw, chickens.
Knives: EEP! -dives under the blankets.-
Vash: -blink.- Oops.
Knives: So what happened? Why does my head feel like it went boom?
Meryl: -snickers.-
Vash: -deathglare.- Shorty over here whacked you with a big hammer.
Meryl: Who you callin' shorty, blondie?! -waves the mallet threateningly.-
Vash: EEP! -dives under the bed.-
Knives: -gulp.- She wacked me with THAT?!
Zazie: Yeah. It was funny. You should have heard yourself before you passed out.
Knives: -twitch.- I'm not sure I want to know.
Millie: -bursts through the door on a skateboard.- Mr. Knives! You're awake! Want some pudding?
Knives: o.O No.
Millie: Well too bad! -jams a large spoonful of pudding down Knives' throat.-
Knives: -chokes on the pudding.-
Vash: No! He's dying! -thumps hard on Knives back, sending the spoon zooming across the room and smack dab into Dominique's good eye.-
Dominique: Vash. Run.
Vash: EEP! -runs.-
Millie: Ah. Pudding. Good for the soul!
Wolfwood: -shakes his head.- Whatever you say, Big Girl.
Millie: I have an idea!
Meryl & Wolfwood: No! Don't say it!
Millie: Let's have a party to celebrate Mr. Knives's getting better!
Meryl & Wolfwood: -groan.-
Everyone else: YAY!
----------------------------------------Later That Night, At the Bar-------------------------------------------
Millie: YAY! -has already had 14 beers.-
Meryl: -banging her head on the table.- Nothing good has ever come of these parties.
Vash: -has a tie around his head and is handing them out.- Wheee!
Wolfwood: Midvalley, can I ask you something?
Midvalley: That depends.
Wolfwood: Why do you always wear a pink shirt?
Midvalley: Because Dominique threw in all my white shirts with Knives' pink underwear.
Everyone: .
Knives: Those are not mine! They're....Legato's!
Legato: -gasp.- Master! Everyone knows they're Caine's!
Caine: o.o
Zazie: They are not mine, Caine! Besides. They belong to Vash.
Vash: Nuh uh. My boxers have donuts and Kuroneko-samas on them! They're clearly Wolfwood's!
Wolfwood: ... I don't....
Everyone: -twitch.-
Vash: Ok...so they're not Wolfy's...then they're Millie's!
Millie: Nyuh uh! -hic.- They're -hic.- Meryl's!
Meryl: ...Ok. So they WERE mine. But I'm not the one who put them in, Dominique did!
Dominique: I had detergent in my eye!
Midvalley: Sure. -rolls his eyes.-
Millie: Hey -hic.- Sempai!
Meryl: What?
Millie: Well, you know how Mr. Vash and Mr. Wolfwood and Mr. Knives and Mr. Legato all have Random Crowds of Screaming Fangirls?
Meryl: Yeah...What's that got to do with anything?
Millie: Well how come we don't have any -hic.- Random Crowds of Screaming Fanboys?
Meryl: That's a good question Millie! Why don't we?
Vash: Pfffft. -slobbers all over Knives in his drunkeness.- Why would you have any fanboys?
Wolfwood: Hey now, don't insult my Big Girl! Millie, if you want, I'll be in your Random Crowd of Screaming Millie Fanboys.
Millie: YAY! -hic.-
Vash: Okay. Well then why would Shorty have any?
Meryl: -twitch.-
Millie: Why, -hic.- Mr. Vash. Don't -hic.- you know -hic.- what Sempai did -hic.- before she started working -hic.- for Bernardelli?
Vash: -blink.- No. I didn't know she was anything other than an Insurance Girl.
Millie: Well -hic.- she was.
Meryl: Uh..Millie...I don't think they want to know...
Vash: O'course we do! -downs another shot of tequila.- Tell us Big Girl!
Knives: Yes, do tell. I want to know what this evil spider did before chasing my donut of a brother around.
Meryl: No!
Wolfwood: -clamps a hand over Meryl's mouth.-
Midvalley: Tell tell tell!
Dominique: Yeah, c'mon, this might be interesting.
Millie: Awright. -hic.- She faz ah Playboy Bunneh.
Everyone minus Meryl: O.O NO WAY!
Vash: INSURANCE GIRL? A PLAYBOY BUNNY?!?!??! -suddenly sober.-
Knives: IT CANNOT BE! ITS IMPOSSIBLE! THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT IS ENDING AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ME!
Wolfwood: AND YOU NEVER TOLD US?!?!
Chapel: Sinner!
Monev: Let's see her in the Bunny outfit!
Millie: -hic.- She still keeps -hic.- it in the closet. -giggle.- -hic.-
Guys: -chanting.- Put it on! Put it on! Put it on! Put it on!
Meryl: FINE! -goes back to the hotel/house thingy to change.-
Vash: Woot!
Wolfwood: -gets out a camera.-
Legato: -pulls out a giant tub of hot dogs and sits down on a sofa.-
Knives: -looks around suspiciously, then pulls a Hostess Cupcake out of his pocket and gnaws on it.- (Yes. The plastic is still on it.)
Millie: -drunk to the point of blindness.-
Vash: -somehow manages to make the bar look like the Playboy Mansion.-
Footsteps are heard outside the door.
Vash: Here she comes!
Old guy: -opens the door.-
Everyone: -stares.-
Wolfwood: Uh...Meryl?
Old guy: I'm just going to leave now and pretend I never came here. o.O -leaves.-
Another set of footsteps are heard outside the door.-
Zazie: Probably just another old guy.
Everyone: -returns to what they were doing.-
The door opens.
Knives: Beat it old geezer.
Meryl: AHEM.
Knives: EEP! -drops his Hostess Cupcake.-
Vash: -jaw drops.- HEL-LO!
Meryl: -all sarcasticy.- Hi.
Wolfwood: -falls out of his chair.-
Legato: -stops chewing mid-hotdog.-
Zazie: O.O Shiny.
Vash: -throws Zazie behind the bar.- You're too young too see this, kid.
Millie: What? What is it? Is Sempai back? I can't see! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Meryl: You have alcohol-induced blindess, Millie. -turns to Vash.- What are you gawking at, needle-noggin?
Vash: -seems to have gone deaf.- OoO
Legato: -falls over sideways on the sofa, still holding the hotdog to his mouth.-
Knives: -momentarily forgetting his cupcake.- Brother! Can you not see what this spider is trying to do to you??
Vash: What? Seduce me? Well it's working.
Knives: No! Don't fall for her evil scheme!
Vash: Too late.
Knives: No! I've lost my brother to that evil conniving spider!
Vash: -grabs Meryl and runs to the nearest door.-
Wolfwood: Tongari, that's a broom closet.
Vash: Screw you. -throws Meryl in then jumps in himself, slamming and locking the door behind him.-
Legato: Well I guess we're playing 7 Minutes in Heaven now.
Knives: -twitch.- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -bangs on the closet door.- VASH! DON'T DO IT! YOU'LL BE LOST FOREVER!
Vash: YOU JUST JEALOUS CUZ YOU AIN'T GETTIN' SUMMA DIS!
Everyone: -twitch.-
Knives: Sephy. Fetch me my sedative.
Sephy: -hands Knives Meryl's giant mallet.-
Knives: -knocks himself out.-
Sephy: Poor master. -drags him over to a couch.-
Legato: Sephy, what are you doing?
Sephy: What any fangirl with common sense would do! Taking advantage of an unconscious bishie!
Wolfwood: -twitch.- Get a room.
Sephy: -does just this.-
Legato: MASTER! -runs after them but ends up running into a wall.- Ow. What the crap?
Midvalley: You slipped on Knives' Hostess Cupcake.
Legato: Good thing it's still in the package. HOLD ON, MASTER, I'M COMING! -runs off down the hall following Sephy.-
Wolfwood: Okay. This isn't fair. Even Knives is getting action. What am I? Chopped liver?
Dominique: Aw. Poor Wolfwood. -cackle.-
Zazie: Yeah, his girlfriend's drunk blind! Ha ha.
Wolfwood: -vein pulses.- I've already got a eulogy written for each of you. All you have to do is die. =)
Zazie:Hah. Whatcha gonna do, whack me with your stupid cross?
Wolfwood: Yes. -WHACK.-
Zazie: x.x Ow.
Midvalley: Yeesh, how much does that thing weigh?
Wolfwood: More than enough to kill you with.
Monev: Should we be worried about those noises coming from the closet? o.O
Dominique: Only if the door breaks down.
Monev: Oh...okay.
Closet: Man. I'm used for storing things. Not for that.
Everyone: O.O
E.G.: Did that closet just talk??
Closet: Yes. Yes I did.
Midvalley: You got a camera in there?
Closet: No.
Dominique: Pervert.
Midvalley: I think 'Nique's jealous because of her lack of recent physical intimacy as well.
Dominique: -twitch.- How'd you know about that?
Midvalley: I've got contacts.
Dominique: -twitch.- STALKER!
Midvalley: No one was supposed to tell you about that.
Dominique: I'm going to kill you!
Midvalley: How about a little tumble first?
Dominique: DIE, HORNY FREAK! -chases him around the room with Meryl's mallet.-
Zazie: So that's why Midvalley drilled a hole through Dominique's bathroom wall?
Dominique: -stops dead.- WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Midvalley: Eh heh....heh heh heh...don't kill me! -dives under the sofa.-
Dominique: Oh I won't kill you....I'LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!
Midvalley: Hoppered! Buddy! HELP ME!
Hoppered: Nope. Sorry pal. You're on yer own.
Vash: -emerges from closet.-
Wolfwood: Woah. Tongari, you look like you just came out of a hurricane.
Vash: Yeah I know. It was great. -twirls around the bar, singing.-
Meryl: -also emerges from the closet.- Ugh. Idiot.You give him a box of donuts he goes nuts.
Wolfwood: O.O You mean you and Vash weren't....doing it?!??!
Meryl: Is that what you thought we were doing? o.O
Wolfwood: Well yeah. The guy threw you in a closet and there were suspicious noises coming from it.
Meryl: I had a box of donuts behind my back. I'd been saving them for myself, but you know Vash. Can smell a donut 5 miles off.
Vash: They were heavenly! n.n
Wolfwood: Aw man. So I guess Knives is the only one gettin' some action tonight.
Vash: O.O HE WHAT?!
Legato: -walks in, sniffing.-
Millie: What's wrong Mr. Legato? -no longer blind.-
Legato: I was too late...to save the master...
Vash: What do you mean "too late to save the master"??? He's not dead is he??
Legato: No. The poor master has been the victim of an obsessed rabid fangirl. -sniffle.-
Vash: . Poor Knives.
Millie: Hey Bokushi-san.
Wolfwood: What, Big Girl?
Millie: Would you like some sandwiches?
Wolfwood: Yes. Yes I would. Let's go eat your sandwiches upstairs. n.n
Wolfwood & Millie: -go upstairs to "eat sandwiches".-
Meryl: e.e I need a drink.
Vash: -GASP.- But Insurance girl! You never drink!
Meryl: I know. But right now, I really need one. Oi, Dominique, if you can take a break from obliterating Horny Freak over there, get me a beer will ya?
Dominique: -looks up from bashing Midvalley with the mallet.- Sure.
Midvalley: Thank you. x.x
Meryl: Don't thank me yet. I heard the whole conversation from the closet. T.T
Midvalley: IM DOOOOMED!
Vash: That you are.
Dominique: -tosses Meryl a cold one.-
Meryl: Thanks. -downs half the bottle in one gulp.-
Vash: We should have a drinking contest!
Midvalley: Woo!
Legato: I'll join. -sniffle.- I must drown my incompetence in alcohol.
Caine: .....n
Zazie: Ooh! Can I join?
Dominique: What did I tell you kid? You gotta be at least 8.
Zazie: Curse you.
Vash: You gonna join Insurance girl?
Meryl: Might as well. But who's gonna be the ref?
Dominique: I will. But when this is over, you can all sleep where you passed out.
Vash: Alrighty then. Dominique, the alcohol please.
Dominique: -rolls out a giant vat of beer.- Here. -tosses them a bunch of straws.-
E.G.: Wow. That's a lot of booze.
Dominique: The last one standing slash not passed out is the winner. Straws at the ready!
Contestants: -position their straws.-
Dominique: GO!
------------------------------------An Hour Later------------------------------------------------
Vash: I'm gonna be sick. x.x
Midvalley: You've already been sick seven times! -covers his mouth as his face turns green.-
Legato: x.x -passed out on top of the table.-
Zazie: Wow. They've drunk 3/4 of that vat. That's a lot of consumed alcohol. I can't wait till the morning hangovers!
Caine: -hanging over the side of the vat, passed out.-
Zazie: Meryl looks a bit unstable over there.
Dominique: Meryl, are you ok? o.O
Meryl: -is standing on top of a table, laughing like a madman and downing mug after mug of beer.-
Dominique: o.O And you say she never drinks?
Vash: Ne-hic.-ver.
Meryl: -pulls out a black cape from nowhere and puts it on.- BWA HA HA HA! FEAR ME, FOR I AM MONGOOSE WOMAN!
Everyone not passed out: -sweatdrop.-
Millie: -comes running down the stairs, with Wolfwood behing her.-
Wolfwood: You had a drinking contest without me?!?!?
Millie: SHUT UP WOLFWOOD! MR. VASH, HOW COULD YOU LET MERYL DRINK? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHY SHE NEVER DRINKS???
Vash: Um...no. But I can kinda see why now.
Millie: Meryl has a MPD!
Vash: A what?
Millie: A Multiple Personality Disorder! Her other personality only comes out when she drinks. AND THAT IS WHY WE DON'T LET HER DRINK!
Vash: And...exactly what is the other personality like?
Millie: e.e A bloodthirsty supervillain bent on world conquest.
Vash: Well that shouldn't be too much of a problem. She sounds like Knives.
Millie: Oh no, Mr. Vash. This is MUCH worse than Mr. Knives.
Knives: Who's worse than me? It's not possible! -enters dressed only in a pair of black boxers that say "I belong to Sephy" on the back.-
Everyone: o.O'
Legato: Master! You're alive!
Knives: No thanks to you. e.e
Millie: AHEM. This Meryl is not just bloodthirsty and evil. She's also mentally unstable and thinks she has superpowers. Also, nothing she says makes any sense. And she'll be this way until she gets sober again.
Meryl: CEASE KNAVE! YOU SHALL BE MY LOBSTER SLAVE ON THE BACK OF MONKEYBALOO! COME! WE MUST FEAST UPON THE REMAINS OF THE CHICKENS!
Knives: CHICKENS?!?!? LEGATO, SAVE ME!
Meryl: YOU! -points at Legato, who blinks nervously.- YOU ARE MY FAITHFUL STEED, FRANKENMOOSE, WHO DRIVES MY SLEIGH OF SUPREME DARKNESS ACROSS THE HEAVENS OF THE SOUTH POLE!
Legato: O.O I AM?!?!?
Meryl: -dives into the vat of beer headfirst.-
Millie: No! We've got to get her away from all forms of alcohol!
E.G.: Hide the rum cake!
Wolfwood: No need. I ate it all. n.n
Vash: -twitch.- I thought she was scary before...
Meryl: MWA HA HA! THE HOLY BREW OF THE MARSHMALLOW GODS! SPEAK TO ME ALL MIGHTY MARSHMALLOW! I SHALL DO THY BIDDING!
Wolfwood: -drags Meryl out of the vat.- Out you go Shorty.
Meryl: I SHALL COMPLETE THE SACRED QUEST TO DOMINATE THE PLANET GUNSMOKE USING THE POWER OF POPSICLES!
Zazie: Not my popsicles!
Knives: -sneaks off unnoticed to go eat more Hostess Cupcakes.-
Sephy: -appears in front of Knives dressed as a dominatrix holding a whip in her hand.- And just where do you think you're going Master?
Knives: Eep!
Millie: We have to find some way to get her unconscious!
Wolfwood: How?!?!
Vash: I've got it! The mallet!
Dominique: Here! -tosses the mallet to Vash.-
Vash: Are you kidding?!?! If she finds out about this she'll kill me!
Dominique: We won't tell, now just do it!
Vash: Oh okay. Wolfwood, hold her down!
Wolfwood: That's slightly difficult!
Meryl: -is thrashing around ranting about marshmallows and world domination.-
Vash: -squeezes his eyes shut.- Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme.... -WHAM.-
Meryl: -out like a light.- X.X
Millie: Now, Mr. Vash. Have we learned a lesson?
Vash: -looks down at the floor.- Yes ma'am.
Millie: And what would that be?
Vash: Never ever ever ever let Meryl even think about looking at a single drop of alcohol ever.
Millie: Good boy. -takes out her stungun.- -BOOM.-
Vash: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! -goes flying out the window.- What was that for??
Millie: Because, you, Mr. Vash, are an idiot.
Wolfwood: Here here!
------------------------------------------The Next Morning---------------------------------------------
Meryl: -wakes up.- Uggghhh. My head...-blinks and looks down.- Why the hell am I wearing a straightjacket?? And why is there a gigantic lump on my head?
Vash: -outside Meryl's room, which is padlocked and barricaded from the outside.- Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme....
Meryl: VVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vash: U.U I'm doomed.
Wolfwood: As long as that straightjacket holds, you're safe.
Vash: Meaning not very long.
Wolfwood: Yep. So whatever happened to Knives?
Vash: He ran into Sephy while trying to sneak a cupcake.
Wolfwood: I see. So where is he now?
Vash: Chained to the bed, screaming for help.
Wolfwood: Is Legato not going to help him?
Vash: He's still contemplating his role as Meryl's evil steed, Frankenmoose.
Wolfwood: Oh.
A/N: Woot! That was my favorite chapter so far. It was incredibly stupid, but oh well. You were warned, so you can't sue me for overlarge amounts of stupidity. I own Frankenmoose and the cape that Meryl wore, which said 'Feared One' on the back. But I didn't mention that. But anywhoo. I need reviews. Makes my day all fuzzy and special and stuffs. Makes me want to write more. And no, Knives, you can't review.
Knives: Screw you, woman! Why did I have to be the victim in this chapter?
Because. I enjoy tormenting you.
Knives: So I've noticed. But geeze! I was unconscious! It was clearly nonconsentual.
Not my problem. You're the one who wanted the sedative.
Knives: Not like I didn't need it.
Alright Knivesy-poo. Quiet time now. Go take your afternoon nap.
Knives: -grumbles as he curles up on his mat.-
Good Knivesy-poo. n.n
Oh.P.S. I'll be going away for a week so I won't be able to update. Sorrehs.