Yo. I am reeeeallllllllllyyyy sorry about not updating in forever. But I had to go to New York for a week, and my grandma died while we were there, then the day after I got back I had band camp for a week and then the day after band camp got out we went on vacation to the other side of the side and the day after we got back from that school started,plus I just started a new Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic, so as you can see, I have been nowhere near a computer. Wait..yeah I have. I'm just a really bad procrastinator. Now, you're more than likely saying, "Screw your excuses,woman! I want more story!" Well, here it is.
Disclaimer: Don't own Trigun. Whoever thinks this is erroneous.
Random Conspiraces and Bar Parties
Chapter 7 - Anger Management
The sounds of fabric ripping are heard from behind a door that is chained, super-glued, clay-in-the-hinges,has a bookcase in front of it, along with a gigantic heavy vault, shut.
Vash: She's escaping. O.O I'M DOOMED!
Wolfwood: Sure are, mate. -takes a drag of his cigarette.-
Vash: o.O What's with the Austrailian accent?
Wolfwood: What are you talking about? -eating vegamite.-
Vash: Wolfwood, have you been trying to quite smoking again?
Wolfwood: Over my dead body. -dips his cigarette into the vegamite and licks it off.-
Vash: That's gross.
Rabid snarls are heard from behind the door.
Vash:...Wolfwood?
Wolfwood: Yeah?
Vash: Please tell me you didn't leave the mallet in there with her.
Wolfwood: O.O
Vash: O.O YOU DID?!?!??!
Meryl: OOOOOOOH VVVVAAAAAAAAASSSSHIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! -the door, bookcase, and vault begin to rattle.-
Vash: SCAREH! SCAREH! HELLLLLLLPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Knives: -from room down the hall.- HELP YOU?!??! HELP ME FOR KAMI'S SAKE!
Vash: -runs into Knives' room and dives under the bed.-
Sephy: -enters the room.- Okay Master. Time for your..."punishment". -evil wicked grin.-
Knives: NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE NO!
A few minutes later...
Vash: -still under the bed.- O.O I'm scarred.
Meanwhile...
Wolfwood: -stares at the door.- She's almost got halfway through the vault by now. . I should go prepare Vash's eulogy. -runs off to the living room.-
-----------------------------Inside the Bedroom-------------------------------
Meryl: -not just a few veins are pulsing in her temple, her eyes are bugging out, her face is beat red, in one hand is her giant mallet and in the other is a giant chainsaw.- ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!
------------------------------In the Kitchen-----------------------------------------
Millie: -eating a 4 gallon sized tub of pudding.-
Dominique: Millie...I think you've had enough pudding.
Millie: -growls and foams at the mouth.-
Zazie: -walks in.- Oooh, pudding! Can I have some?
Millie: -smacks Zazie in the face with a metal pipe.-
Zazie: . My face is squished.
Midvalley: Looks better that way.
Zazie: -takes said pipe and bashes Midvalley with it.-
Midvalley: Brat. Now Im covered in garbage. This means war.
Zazie: Bring it, horny freak!
Midvalley: -throws a rabid Kuroneko at Zazie.-
Zazie: -runs away screaming, with the rabid cat still clawing at his face.- I'LL GET YOU PINKIE!!!!!
Dominique: Asshole.
Midvalley: Aw, 'Nique, you don't mean that.
Dominique: -picks up an opened bottle of nail polish and dumps it over his head.-
Midvalley: .....
Millie: -looks up from her pudding.- Fire engine red is so his color.
Dominique: -folds her arms over her chest.- I agree. It brings out the pink of his shirt.
Midvalley: -face turning very red now.-
Dominique: Oh look! It's giving him streaks! Even better!
Midvalley: -shaking.-
Millie: He looks 10 years younger. n.n
Midvalley: .......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! -goes running from the room tearing his hair out.-
Dominique: Wonder what his problem is.
Millie: -shrugs and goes back to her pudding.-
Dominique: Oh, and remind me to make him buy me a new bottle of nail polish later.
----------------------------------Outside Meryl's Prison....er...Bedroom-------------------------------------
Vash, Knives, Legato, and Wolfwood: -staring at the almost annihilated vault.-
Knives: -twitch.-
Vash: I AM SO FRICKING DOOMED! Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkill--
Meryl: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL VASH! -the sounds of a chainsaw cutting through (insert name of metal that makes vaults here) viciously.-
Wolfwood: Here, man. -hands Vash a donut.- One last one before you go.
Vash: -.- Well you're a real cheerleader.
Wolfwood: Hey, not my job.
Meryl: -tears through the remainder of the vault with her chainsaw of doom.- I'VE GOT YOU NOW VASH THE STAMPEDE! -charges at him.-
Vash: -jumps behind Knives.- SAVE ME!
Knives: Screw you. -throws him at Meryl.-
Meryl: YOU'RE TIME HAS CO-- -trips over something and falls face first on the ground.-
Knives: BWA HA HA HA!
Kuroneko: Mrow.
Meryl -vein pulsing erratically.- DAMN YOU CAT! COME HERE AND LET ME RIP YOUR LIVER OUT! -dives at Kuroneko.-
Kuroneko: -POOF.-
Meryl: -stops dead.- BLAST YOU CAT! WHERE DID YOU GO??
Vash: O.O Did you see that??
Knives: He disappeared! Poofity! Poofness! Poofifity! Pooflufferness! Poof--
BANG.
Vash & Wolfwood:Thank you. T.T'
Knives: x.x
Legato: -.- Master, you really must stop provoking the Evil One into hitting you with her almighty giant war hammer.
Meryl: -twitches spasmodically.- "Evil One"?
Legato: ..; Pleasespareme!
Meryl: -insanely evil Knives-like grin.- Yes. I shall spare you. And you shall call me "Evil One".
Vash: -stares at Knives then stares at Meryl.- I think they've switched brains. Kami save us.
Wolfwood: -smoking three cigs at once.- o.O -twitching.-
Vash: Uh...Wolfwood? Should you really be smoking all those at the same time?
Wolfwood: IT'S FOR THE STRESS, DAMNIT, THE STRESS I TELL YOU! -one eye is bulging out of his head.-
Vash & Legato: o.O;
Wolfwood: -is adding more cigs in his mouth and lighting them.-
Vash: Okay. Seriously. That amount is way bad for you. You should stop now.
Wolfwood: -by now both eyes are bulging out of his head and he has about 15 cigarettes in his mouth.- THEY RELIEVE THE STRESS I TELL YOU! THE MORE NICOTINE, THE LESS STRESS! WHEEEE! SEE! I'M HAPPY AS A BIRD!
Legato: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP MAN!
Meryl: -pokes Wolfwood.-
Wolfwood: -falls over unconscious.-
Vash: I think I'll just go hide these somewhere. -steals Wolfy's cigs and dumps them somewhere.-
Legato: -drags Knives off to shock him back into consciousness with one of those electic zappy gun things.-
Meryl: -still standing there, grinning maniaclly.-
----------------------------Later, In the Kitchen-----------------------------
Dominique: -glaring at a nail polish-covered Midvalley, mutilated-by-claw-faced Zazie, and unconscious smoke stinky Wolfwood, a hysterically laughing Knives, a still maniaclly-grinning Meryl, and a pudding infested Millie.- Alright people. We have to have some order in this household.
Knives: Why the hell are we all living together anyway?
Everyone: ....o.o
Vash: I...don't...know....
Dominique: Who cares.We ne--
Knives: I happen to care. I want to know why I, the superiorist of beings on the planet of Gunsmoke, have to live with my idiot brother and his twisted, insane, multiple personalitied, sadistic, abusive, and quite frankly dumb friends in the same house. And even if for some reason I should have to live with said brother and said friends, we should be living in an evil lair. Not some 4 room shack.
Dominique: Knives.
Knives: What?
Dominique: SHUT UP! -BOOM.-
Knives: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND GIANT HAMMERS?! -falls to the floor unconscious again.-
Dominique: Now. -voice dripping with sarcastic sweetness.- I have a plan that shall allow me to get 5 minutes of peace and quiet.
Everyone: -blink.-
Dominique: It's two words. Can anyone guess it?
Vash: Salmon?
Dominique: -.- No. Not salmon. Salmon is one word.
Millie: Chocolate pudding? -bounces up and down.-
Dominique: No.
Zazie: Sand worms?
Midvalley: Revenge?
Wolfwood: Cigarettes?
Meryl: Vash's demise?
Dominique: NO NO AND NO! Well, maybe Vash's demise would get us quite a bit of peace and quiet, but NO!
Vash: Hey!
Dominique: IT'S CALLED ANGER MANAGEMENT PEOPLE!
Zazie,Midvalley,Knives,Meryl,Wolfwood, and Millie: O.O NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dominique: Yes. In fact, I've already called the psychiatrist. So you can kiss your anger goodbye.
---------------------------An Hour Later---------------------------------
DING DONG
Knives: WHO'S DAMN BLASTED IDEA WAS IT TO PUT AN AMPLIFIER ON THE DOORBELL?!?!?!
Meryl: Mine.
Knives: WRETCHED SPIDER I SHALL KILL--
Meryl: Chickens.
Knives: NOOOOOO! -dives under the couch.-
DING DONG
Dominique: I'll get it. n.n
Wolfwood: We're doomed.
Dominique: Zazie, Midvalley, Wolfwood, Meryl, Millie, I'd like you to meet your new anger management counselor.
A girl with bright blue hair wearing a pink kimono and carrying an oar waves energetically at them.
(A/N: Yes, people. That is Botan from YYH. No, this is not technically a crossover since it's just Botan, but she will make some comments on some of the other YYH characters. That is all.)
Dominique: Everyone, this is Botan.
Botan: Hello everyone! -giggles.-
Knives: Oh God no. O.O
Botan: Now is that anyway to talk to your new best friend and confidant?
Knives: No. But it is the way to talk to the person I'm about to annihilate.
Botan: -frowns.- I can already tell your genocidal and misunderstood. How does that make you feel?
Knives: -clears his throat.- It makes me feel empowered and only reinforces my belief that all spiders should die. T.T
Botan: See? We're already making progress, even though it's in the entirely wrong direction. n.n
Knives: e.e
Botan: -turns to Millie.- What's your problem dear?
Millie: I like pudding. n.n
Botan: Ah. An addiction. I see.
Millie: Yup. n.n
Botan: And what about you? -turns to Wolfwood.-
Wolfwood: I have no problem.
Botan: Come now, dearie, I'm getting paid to do this so just tell me what's wrong with you. There's no need to be steeped in denial.
Wolfwood: I am NOT in denial.
Vash: I'll tell you. He smokes entirely too much.
Wolfwood: STRESS, DAMNIT, STRESS! o.O -suddenly has 4 cigarettes in his mouth.-
Botan: -gasps.- Oh my. This one will need serious work.
Vash: We agreed on that a long time ago. u.u
Botan: And what about you?
Meryl: -twitch.- I dislike him. -points to Vash.- Intensly. Yes. Yes I do. He's out to kill me. I know it.
Botan: -twitch.- Uh...why don't we work on you first?
Meryl: -twitches and shrugs.-
-----------------------A Few Minutes Later, In One of the Back Rooms---------------------------------
Botan: There now. -wiggles around on an extremely squishy beanbag chair.-
Meryl: -surrounds herself by dozens of beanbag chais, creating a fortress.-
Botan: -sweatdrops.- Uh..okay. Why don't you start by telling me about yourself?
Meryl: I hate Vash.
Botan: I think we've established that. Now what else can you tell me?
--------------A few hours later--------------
Meryl: -is crying on Botan's shoulder.- He...he...he took my dolly!
Botan: -thinking.- And we're only halfway through her childhood??!?!?
--------------Yet Another Few Hours Later---------------
Botan: And so that's how you met Vash the Stampede and were nearly killed in the process? What a lovely story!
Meryl: T.T And how is it lovely? The man is a donut-loving, skirt-chasing, bad-guy-mauling-but-not-killing, blond-spikey-haired....
Botan: I know what your problem is. And there's a simple solution to it.
Meryl: You do?? Really??? O.O Tell me for it is imperitive to my sanity!!!!
Botan: -twitch.- Simple. You're in love. With Vash the Stampede.
-On the Other Side of the Planet-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Some Random Guy:What the crap?!
-Back in the room-
Botan: X.X
Meryl: . O.O X.X T.T IT......CANNOT....BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Botan: Uh..Meryl...I think we're done for today. Why don't you send Wolfwood in?
Meryl: -shuffles out of the room, still twitching spasmodically.-
Botan: -falls over, sighing exasperatedly.- What a weird woman.
Wolfwood: -walks in, humming "It's a Small World".-
Botan: o.O
Wolfwood: -lighting a cigarette.- So, how ya doin' doll?
Botan: -coughcough.- Er...yes. Fine. Could you please not smoke?
Wolfwood: Could you please not breathe?
Botan: -sets Wolfwood's hair on fire.-
Wolfwood: My head's on fire.Botan: .............
Wolfwood: ................
Botan: ................
Wolfwood: .............
Botan: ..................
Wolfwood:................
Botan: ............
Wolfwood: .............. MY HEAD'S ON FIRE! -runs around the room screaming, setting everything on fire with his head.-
(A/N: I do not own that scene. It comes from a video made by some dude about the adventures of Cactuar and Tonberry from the FF saga thingy.It's called Gil Quest. But It's so fricking hilarious. Anyway. Just needed to point that out. Oh. I also don't own Botan or Yu Yu. So there.)
Botan: -.-;
Wolfwood: -runs around for the next few minutes, screaming.-
Botan: ARE YOU DONE YET?????????
Wolfwood: Yes. -calmly sits down on a beanbag and lights another cigarette.-
Botan: Ok. Why don't you explain to me why you smoke so much.
Wolfwood: Because the doctor told me to. It's for stress. Do you realize how much stress one can suffer from when hanging around Needle Noggin?
Botan: The doctor...told...you to? WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR DO YOU GO TO, ANYWAY?
Wolfwood: A gynecologist.
Botan: O.O -dies.-
Wolfwood: Whoo! No more anger management!
Botan: -pops back to life.- You are disgusting! You sick pervert! Ew! You're just like Yusuke!
Wolfwood: o.O What did I do? And what's this "Yoosookay?"
Botan: -whaps him over the head with her oar.- Just get out, pervert!
Wolfwood: Ow! Okay okay! Yeesh. First Shorty then you. Damned violent women!
Botan: And send Millie in.
Wolfwood: -muttering.- Evil blue-haired overlord.
Botan: Thank you. n.n
Wolfwood: -leaves.-
Botan: My my. These people are severely lacking in sanity. They make everyone back home look pure and innocent.
Millie: -bounces in on one of those bouncy ball thingies for little kids.- HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
Botan: . Hi.
Millie: -takes out a jug of pudding and begins to drink from it.-
Botan: O.O Do you enjoy eating pudding?
Millie: -stands up and places her hand over her heart.- My very life, my soul, my heart and body are dedicated to the betterment of the pudding.
Botan:Oh my. Well, can you tell me why you're angry?
Millie: I'm not angry. I just don't like it when people try to take my pudding.
Botan: Oh....is that it?
Millie: Yep.
Botan: Oh...ok. You can go.
Millie: But I just got here.
Botan: I know. But we're done. So you can go.
Millie: You know Botan....I think you're really hot.
Botan: O.O X.X . EWWWWWWWW! I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!
Millie: -gasp.- Ew! You're gross! You tried to come on to me!
Botan: What the HELL are you talking about? You were the one hitting on me!
Millie: You're doing it again! Ew!
Botan: You crazy sicko! You were coming on to me!
Millie: HELP! RAPE! RAPE!
Botan: Stop it you crazy psycho! .
Millie: -goes running from the room.-
Botan: Good Lord. That woman is deranged!
Zazie: -walks in wearing Kuroneko on his head.- What the crap was that about?
Botan: Nothing! Hello, little boy. Why, aren't you cute?
Zazie: Hey babe. Wanna spend tonight with the Zazster?
Botan: O.O WHAT THE FU....FUDGE??? WHAT ARE YOU, 6 YEARS OLD???
Zazie: e.e I'm 6 1/2.
Botan: Enma-sama almighty, I'm being hit on by a 6 year old.
Zazie: 6 1/2. So waddaya say?
Botan: No. I've got other plans.
Zazie: Got a sister? Friends?
Botan: o.O No.
Zazie: Boy are you a loser.
Botan: -bursts into tears.- I don't like you!
Zazie: Does that mean you'll sleep with me?
Botan: NO DAMN YOU NO!
----------------------Back In the Other Room------------------
Wolfwood: -has realized he is bald and is crying.-
Meryl: -is hitting herself in the head with her mallet.-
Millie: -chugging pudding by the tub and explaining how Botan was hitting on her to Midvalley.-
Midvalley: -twitching.-
Knives: -plotting Botan's demise.-
Vash: -has absolutely no idea what is going on.-
Dominique: -grinning.- I think the therapy is working!
A frustrated scream is heard down the hall.
Botan: -stomps into the room, with Zazie hanging off her leg, making a suspicious gyrating motion.-
Everyone: O.O Ew.
Botan: -stomps over to Dominique.- I QUIT! DO YOU HEAR ME! QUIT! Q-U-I QUIT! -grabs Zazie and throws him across the room.-
Dominique: Why, whatever is the problem? Everything seems to be going just fine!
Botan: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?? YOU ARE DERANGED! INSANE! DEFORMED! PERVERTED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! -takes off on her oar and zooms off. Probably back to her own world.-
Midvalley: Phew. I thought I was going to actually have to go in there with her.
Dominique: -twitching.- Oh well. At least she didn't ask for her check. Guess I'll just have to find someone else.
Everyone: NO!
And that, my friends, is how Dominique ended up hog-tied in the closet.
A/N: So sorry that took forever. I'm an ass. So forgive me. Im a procrastinator, but as above I've explained my other reasons. Poor Botan. I think killing her would have been kinder. I don't think she'll ever be the same. Hm...I can just see it...Anyways. Lemme know what you think. Must have daily intake of reviews to survive.