Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties

by ProfessionallyCrazedNarutoFan

What if Legato finally was granted his wish for the Eternal Pain and Suffering of Vash the Stampede? He'd use it to manipulate and exploit Vash's weakness, that's what. And what's this? Someone's dead?

8. When Gunsmoke Freezes Over

-glomps every single one of her lovely lovely reviewers.- I lurve you all! Such wonderful peoples. n.n After I read your wonderful reviews I jumped up and down in giddiness and ran about the house the rest of the night acting extremely childish and hyper and happy. And yes, Tasuki No Miko4, I am quite insane. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you as much. However, the depth of my insanity you may never know.

Whee. Writing that last chapter was fun. Oh, and I didn't mean to insinuate that Millie's a lesbian. In case any of you thought that. I was just out of my mind with boredom and thought that would be funny. Of course, like I said before, I'm probably off my rocker. Anyways. Once again the faerie of creativity has slapped me with her wand (I should really get a restraining order against that skank, lol) and I'm off my writer's block. If you want some angst, go check out my Yu Yu story, "You Can't See Me". I'm working on chapter 2, but I'm a lazy buthead and my inspiration for this chapter came first. So bleh. Here we go.

Disclaimer: Things I don't own: The Trigun cast, Gunsmoke, the expression "When Hell Freezes Over", Kuroneko, and Santa Clause.

Things I do own: My soul. Wait. No. Inuyasha stole it, and in turn it was stolen by Hiei who keeps it in a jar at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. So there.

Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties

Chapter 8 - When Gunsmoke Freezes Over

Midvalley: Well. That takes care of that.

Knives: Phew. Thank Rem. That woman was insanely annoying.

Everyone: o.O

Knives: What? O.o

Vash: You just said "Thank Rem". o.O

Knives: No I didn't. O.o

Vash: Yes. I believe you did. o.O

Knives: I believe you are mistaken, dear brother.

Vash: Well I believe I'm not, dear sister.

Knives: -twitch.- What did you say?

Vash: Sister. Mua ha ha ha ha.

Knives: Take that back.

Vash: Sistersistersistersistersistersistersister!!!!!!!!!

Knives: TAKE THAT BACK YOU BASTARD!

Vash: Hmm......no.

Knives: That's it. Legato!

Legato: Yes, Mis...Master?

Knives: Call in the mafia.

Legato: There are no mafias on Gunsmoke, Master.

Knives: Then call in the town mob.

Legato: They're all asleep,Master. It's 3 A.M.

Knives: Fine then. I didn't want to have to resort to this but...

Legato: No Master! Anything but that!

Knives: u.u I'm afraid it must be done. For I must have revenge on Vash.

Vash: o.o

Legato: Reconsider!

Knives: Legato,call in....the Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls.

Vash: O.O Not that ! Please not that!

Legato: -gulps and pulls out a megaphone.- CALLING ALL MEMBERS OF THE Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls! PLEASE REPORT TO MASTER KNIVES' CURRENT LOCATION POST-HASTE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

A very large mob of screaming fangirls comes charging into the house, knocking over most of the walls.

Vash: O.O -faints.-

Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls: ALL HAIL THE MASTER! WE HEAR AND OBEY!

Knives: MUA HA HA HA HA! DO YOU FEAR ME,BROTHER?

Vash: Knives....

Knives: -.- What.

Vash: Why are all the members of your Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls wearing "I Love Legato" t-shirts?

Legato: -whistles innocently and twiddles thumbs.-

Knives: DAMNIT LEGATO! YOU CALLED IN THE RANDOM CROWD OF SCREAMING LEGATO FANGIRLS!

Legato: It's not my fault that they're attracted to the sound of my voice. u.u

Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls: Well it's not our fault that you confused us with YOUR stupid fangirls.

Knives: -twitch.-

Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls: -come blasting in riding in a legion of tanks.- WHO YOU CALLIN' STUPID, HOES?

And thus another monumental Fangirl war ensued, in which many fangirls were yet again killed. Only this time the almighty authoress did not smite them. She merely passed out popcorn and sold tickets.

Vash: That's disturbing. x.x

Wolfwood: I agree.

Midvalley: -filming.- Whoo! Rip those shirts off! Show daddy some action!

Dominique: YOU STUPID ASSOHOLIC PERVERT! -grabs Meryl's mallet and thwams the Hornfreak with it several times.-

E.G.: Someone should really plan a funeral for him.

Chapel: I'll write the eulogy.

Meryl: I'll get the flowers.

Millie: I'll cater. n.n

Everyone: T.T

Midvalley: I'm not dead yet.

Dominique: NOT YET YOU'RE NOT! -continues to pulverize Middie with the mallet.-

Several hours later, after the war was over (Fangirl wars are notoriously short), and Dominique had completed mutilating Midvalley to her satisfaction, the Vash's Awesomely Awesome Band of Heroes (as Vash liked them to be known) and Knives and his Gung-Ho Guns were (guess) sitting in the several-times-over-destroyed-and-rebuilt bar drinking beer and coffee, smoking ,eating pudding, and doing other such activies. I'll let you decide who one the war. I'm not stupid enough to choose sides.

((A/N: We interrupt this insane fanfiction for an important Author's Note. I think it is vaguely obvious by now that Sephy is the President of the Random Crowd of Screaming Knives Fangirls. However, I would like to introduce the new Grand Pooba of the Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls, my bestest best friendy friend, Hilary, affectionately known as Lary-chan. If anyone else would like to be the head of a Random Crows of Some Male Trigun Character Fangirls, please submit an application via review and let me know the title you wish to use (like Dictator, Ruler, Queen, Big Cheese, etc.). And now, back to the fanfiction.))

-------------------------------In the Bar-----------------------------

Vash: Celebrate good times, come on! -dancing around drunkenly on top of the table with the customary tie around his head.- (A/N: Don't own that song either.)

Wolfwood: BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE! -also incredibly drunk.-

Meryl: o.O

Wolfwood: BEHOLD IT I SAY! BEHOLD IT DAMN YOU! -points at the wall.-

Vash: -falls off the table and lands right on top of Meryl.-

Meryl: EEP! -still twitchy after her Botan-induced revelation.-

Wolfwood: HEY EVERYBODY! LOOK! VASH AND SHORT ARE GETTIN' IT ON! WHOO! IT'S GETTIN' HOT IN HERE!

MIdvalley: SEX? WHERE??

Dominique: -granbs Zazie.- This is not for your delicate eyes, kid.

Zazie: Lemme go! I wanna see! I wanna SEE!

Dominique: -throws Zazie out the window.-

Knives: I refuse to allow my brother to be the only one to get laid. Therefore..-jumps on top of Vash and Meryl.-

Dominique: OOh! Twincest!

Everyone: OO;;

Vash: XX;;

Meryl: ..............................EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: Ow. My eardrums. x.x

Meryl: GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

Millie: Hey! What about me? Why's everyone paying attention to Meryl and not me?

Dominique: Because, hon, Meryl is being offered the chance to sleep with the two sexiest beings on this entire dustball of a planet.

Legato: I resent that. T.T

Hilary: Indeed he does! -pouts and puts her hands on her hips.-

Legato: -blink.- Who are you?

Hilary: -coughs and puts on "Im-about-to-say-something-important" voice.- I, Hilary, by the official order of the Authoress of Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties, have been declared the Grand Pooba of the Random Crowd of Screaming Legato Fangirls. In stupid terms, it means I'm your obediant slave!

Legato: O.O FRICKIN' AWESOME! HA! -points at Knives.- You are no longer the only one with a worshipping slave! Fear me! BWA HA HA!

Knives: You know, you are really OOC right now. You should be sued.

Hilary: -shoves a knife up Knives's nose.- Stick a sock in it, Utensil Boy.

Knives: -.- That is so wrong.

Sephy: Almighty Godly Master! Are you alright? -checks his vital signs.-

Knives: Yes. And you don't need to check my vital signs there. o.O

Everyone: -twich.-

Hilary: And anyway, I think Spork would be a much better name for you. Yes. Spork. I like Spork. From now own, you shall be referred to as Spork.

Knives: I think not.

HIlary: I think so.

Knives: I think not.

Hilary: Well I happen to think so. Therefore, I win. So nyah. -sticks her tongue out at him.-

Knives: -pulls the knife out of his nose and chucks it at her head.-

Hilary: Oh, so it's war you want, is it? Well bring it on, Spork!

((A/N: In case you were wondering, yes, this is how she really acts. Except for sticking knives up people's noses. But everything else she actually would say and do stuff like that. Fun, no?))

But right then, the Authoress, with her mighty powers of omnipotentness, stopped the oncoming war. By forcing Knives to mop the entire bar.

Knives: DAMN YOU WOMAN! WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO MOP A 47 FLOOR BAR AND SHE HAS TO DO NOTHING?

Because she's my friend, and you're Knivesy-poo.

Knives: I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL MUTILATE, NO, ANNIHILATE YOU!

Sure you will.

Knives: Oh yes. I shall have my revenge.

If you can stop picking your nose long enough to do it.

Knives: Huh? -his finger moves of its own accord and begins to pick Knivesy-poo's nose.-

Everyone: OO;; BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Knives: -sobs.- I hate you! I hate you all! -still picking his nose.- I will destroy you and omnipotentness!

When Gunsmoke freezes over, Knivesy-poo.

Too late, the authoress realized what she said. With those simple words, the dustball planet of Gunsmoke became a Winter Wonderland.

Uh.....oops?

Meryl: Oops? OOPS? OOPS? IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?!?!? OOPS? YOU FROZE THE DAMN PLANET! AND DO YOU THINK ONE SINGLE PERSON ON GUNSMOKE OWNS A WINTER JACKET?!?! I THINK NOT?!?!

Uh..yeah. Sorry about that. This make time to undo. You might want to rename the planet in the meantime. Somehow Gunsmoke just doesn't suit it anymore. Bye bye.

Vash: So. What are we gonna do now?

Wolfwood: Figures. He's the only one with a jacket to keep him warm. -turning blue from the cold.-

Millie: -cuddles up to Wolfwood.- My pudding's frozen!

Knives: You have no idea how cold an extremely tight space suit is. Plus, now my finger's frozen in my nose. This seriously blows.

Hilary: -cuddling up in the warmth of Legato's cape.- Fwee. n.n

Legato: MY HOTDOGS! THEY'RE FROZEN! -takes a bite.- Hmm...not bad.

Vash: Well I'm not cold. But seeing as how the rest of you are, -uses his gun to shoot an oil lamp and start a fire.- We're saved

Dominique: Yeah, but what about food?

Midvalley: Well, we could always survive off of sex. -inches closer to Dominique.-

Dominique: How about not?

Meryl: I think the men should organize a carabu hunt.

Wolfwood: What the hell is a carabu? Is it a brand of cigarrette?

Meryl: No. It's an animal. We can eat them for food.

Vash: YOU EXPECT ME TO KILL AN INNOCENT ANIMAL JUST SO YOU CAN GET FAT OFF OF IT?!?!?

Meryl: No. I expect you to kill an innocent animal SO WE CAN ALL SURVIVE!

Wolfwood: WOOT! -pulls out the Punisher.-

Legato: I shall use my mind powers to locate these beasts.

Hilary: And I'll come with you! n.n

Knives: Sephy, shine my revolver. We're going hunting.

Woo! Fear the Gunsmokian Ice Age! I promise there's more iciness coming ahead after these commercial messages. But first, please send a word to our sponsers to let us know what you think. Thank you for participating in the Carabu Hunt 2004.