Enterprise Fables
By Hildwyn
Everyone speaks Starfleet standard, right?
Rated: PG (for some swearing)
The Enterprise entered orbit around Dnarat IV, a small barren world, which, despite its climate, was home to numerous members of space faring species. It boasted the largest trading post (covering nearly 3/4ths of the planets entire surface) in 30 light years.
Originally, this small world had been home to a native species of flying marsupials, but those went extinct when the nearby planet of Busron created a penal colony. Due to an incredible twist of fate, luck, or what many secretly suspect is the universe's twisted sense of humor- it soon surpassed the original planet in production, trade, and finally wealth.
Captain Jonathan Archer of the Enterprise took a shuttle pod down to the surface with a few crewmembers in order to procure some supplies for his ship.
"Alright everyone, we'll break up in groups of two, Malcolm and T'Pol, I want you to focus on the search for components, Malcolm, you're with me and Michaels and Jenkins I want you to try and locate anyone who is willing to trade for a star map." Archer said the last word with an amused glance at T'Pol.
"Of course," he added, "we might as well make our own as we are out exploring." He said with a light smile.
"I merely suggested that it would be more efficient to procure a map so that you could pick out any destination ahead of time." T'Pol said neutrally.
"But we never set out to be more logical, now did we?" Trip added with a smile to Archer.
As Archer and Reed headed off, Trip caught Jenkins by her arm.
"Good luck," he said with a wink.
"You, too, commander."
"Shall we?" Ensign Michaels asked allowing the crewman to pass in front of him.
They walked through and area filled with hundreds of aliens and cargoes with unknown purposes.
"Who will we ask?" Jenkins asked Michaels.
"They all look like merchants to me," Michaels said, "Let's try him, or err, it . . ." He trailed off, not entirely sure of what pronoun he was supposed to apply to the alien standing behind a stall.
Jenkins cleared her throat to gain the attention of the merchant.
Quickly, the alien turned around and with what seemed a scowl on its face, spoke rapidly in some language that bore an incredible resemblance to Russian spoken in a Spanish accent with a few shrill whistles added in.
"Um . . ." Jenkins said, or rather it was what she could not say, as she looked to Michaels helplessly.
"Translator?" She managed weekly.
"Huh?" Michaels asked, "I don't have one. Where is yours?"
"Left it on the shuttlepod."
"Damn."
"I know, sir."
"Shit."
"Sir?" Jenkins gave Michaels a look, clearly indicating that he, as the superior officer, was the one to come up with their action plan.
He glanced at the alien again, who was now regarding them with a blank look, and panicked. He was no translator or exo-lingu-watever that Ensign Sato was. What do I do?
"Uh . . ." what a wonderful way to start! Say something in some language, you fool! The alien might have a translator on it. "Starrrr . . . mapppp. We," he said, gesturing to himself and Jenkins, "want," he tried some bizarre gesture that was meant to demonstrate what he said, but left even Jenkins with a puzzled look on her face, "a starrrr-mapppp. Cool?"
Jenkins shook her head and tried to hide a smile, "you're hopeless, sir."
The alien however stared at them as if they had each sprouted another head – although for some species that is not all that abnormal.
Then abruptly he- it, smiled, and lifted its finger to its nose, speaking again in its strange language.
"What do you think that means?" Jenkins asked.
Michaels just shook his head.
The alien started flapping his arms up and down quickly- so that they appeared as a blur.
It looks like he's about to take off and fly, Michaels thought as he regarded the alien.
The alien stopped and turned and moved in the opposite direction and paused looking at them- was it looking at them expectantly? Michaels cursed the fact that real aliens, unlike the one in those old science fiction movies and books, used expressions that were so . . . well, alien for lack of a better word. Why couldn't a smile just be a smile?
The alien repeated its strange flapping gesture.
"I'm an engineer, not a translator, but I think that it may want for us to follow it, sir."
Michaels nodded.
"Alright, let's go."
They followed the alien through twisting series of stalls and finally came to a group of uniformed aliens.
The alien gestured to them excitedly, or so Michaels assumed, and started quickly engaging the others in conversation.
"Weewan tstaaar mrap. Isto dicte vramap querine," The alien said. One of the guards stepped forward and presented him with a large wrapped bundle as the others quickly moved forward and seized Jenkins and Michaels.
"We didn't do anything!" Michaels protested as his phase pistol was taken from him and cuffs put on his wrists.
"We are from the Enterprise!" Jenkins added quickly as she struggled in her handcuffs.
One of the guards pulled out a small device and hit a couple of buttons, said a couple of words, and stared at them.
"What the he-" Michaels started,
"Sir, I believe that may be a translator. We are from the Earth ship Enterprise. I'm a crewman aboard, and this is-"
The alien stared in his language, and all the sudden the words shifted into near-perfect English with a slightly clipped accent.
"Oh, good." Jenkins breathed.
"I request that you release us immediately," Michaels said, "We have done-"
"What you have done is expressed interest in selling contraband," The alien said flatly.
"No, no, we were only trying to get a starmap."
"What you tried to buy was twice-done cruspledu," he said looking at them, "and by Dnarat law, it is illegal."
"I don't even know what twice cuspleds-whatever is! We are here on a peaceful mission! Contact our ship, Enterprise and they will confirm our story!" Michaels said, an edge of panic in his voice.
Michaels and Jenkins were hauled off to a detention center for thieves and others caught trading illegal merchandise, and it was until a bit later that Archer and the others realized that something was wrong when they could not locate their missing crewmembers.
This nearly led to dangerous misunderstanding for Enterprise, and possibly even for Earth, had Archer and the others not brought their own universal translator and managed to convince the Dnaratians of the sincerity of what they said.
So students, the moral of our story: Never leave your ship without a universal translator.