And now, we return to Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties. After a word from our sponsers.
Legato: -appears on screen holding a toilet brush.-
Knives: -walks in wearing a styrofoam toilet on his head and sulking.-
The Authoress storms onto the stage.
"Legato. You can't work for Clorox."
Legato: Why not?
"Because. You signed a contract with me."
Legato: So?
"So that means you can't work for anyone else. It's in the fine print."
Knives: u.u It's a curse to us all.
"Damn right it is."
Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties
Chapter 10 - Adventures in Carabou Hunting
Vash: This is so not fair. -is standing in a snow bank in his underwear.-
Knives: I'm rather enjoying myself.
Vash: That's because you have a nice warm parka. And several pounds of fireballs. (A/N: the candy.)
Legato: -pops one into his mouth.- And you find this problematic?
Vash: Yes. Yes I do.
Legato: -uses his mind control to make Vash lick his gun.-
Vash: Fhath he hell? -his tongue is now frozen stuck to the gun.-
Wolfwood: Gunpowder popsicle. Yum.
Vash: Thyou thwouldn't be thaying that thif yur thongue thwas thuck to a gun.
Legato: Master?
Knives: What?
Legato: You can't have finished mopping the bar in ten minutes. That's all it took you to get ready.
Knives: T.T' What are you, the author?
Legato: -eyes glow red and speaks in monotonous voice...wait..his voice already is monotonous.- Why, yes, Knivesy-poo. I am. -cackles.-
Wolfwood: o.O That's slightly disturbing.
Zazie: I think he had too many hotdogs dipped donut glaze this morning.
Vash: ITH DAT THWHERE MY GTHLAZE THWENT?!?!?
Legato: Huh? Who's got creamed broccoli in their underpants?
Zazie: The garden gnomes that crawled up into your brai...uh...head cavity.
Legato: ...Oh. Is that what it is? I thought it was mice again.
Zazie: I won't ask.
Legato: Darn.
Wolfwood: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Everyone present: -bliiiiiiiink.-
Wolfwood: What? o.O Why are you looking at me like that? I just asked if anyone had a lighter.
Legato: That was a blatant sexual invitation! O.O
Wolfwood: Say what???
Knives: Someone's lost their marbles.
Vash: -has finally pried the gun off of his tongue.- Oh, you've seen them? I've been looking for those for ages!
Knives: T.T No.
Vash: Aw. ;.;
Wolfwood: Let's just get on with this damn "carabou" hunt. I still don't know what the hell a carabou is.
Zazie: I think it's a cream puff.
Knives: You also think women have dicks. T.T
Zazie: You mean they don't?!?!?!
Wolfwood: -holds up a dirty magazine.- This, boy, is the anatomy of a woman. Memorize it. -tosses it to Zazie.-
Zazie: O.O I've been jipped!!!
Vash: -sighs.- Poor kid. Ignorance isn't always bliss.
The Authoress, getting pissed off now, wrapped herself in a black cloak and descended to the world of the mortals.
"NICHOLAS DOKONOKUMINOMONJAWARESUMAKINISHITESHIZUMETAROKAKORA WOLFWOOD, YOU BLOODY IDIOT!"
((A/N: And yes. That is what the D in Nicholas D. Wolfwood stands for. If you didn't know. I believe it translates to "daily cigarette consumption" or something like that.))
Wolfwood: MEEP. O.O -dies of asphyxiation.-
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE PORNO?"
Wolfwood: Uh...
"THIS FIC IS RATED PG-13 AND I'M NOT CHANGING IT TO R JUST SO YOU CAN INDULGE IN YOUR LUSTFUL WHIMS!"
All Males Present: X.X
"And so I decree that all porno and other explicit sexual materials shall be banned from Gunsmoke. I haven't decided if that includes donuts."
Vash: o.O How are donuts sexual?
".....Nevermind, Vash."
Vash: But--
"I SAID NEVERMIND."
Wolfwood: -watches as the mag in Zazie's hands self-destructs.- Wah. That was my favorite one!
"Well now your new favorite will be the toothbrush catalougue. Now if you'll excuse me, I have authory things to do."
And thus the Authoress disappeared, taking all decreed sexual materials with her.
Wolfwood: This blows.
Vash: Well. What do we do now?
Meryl: HOW ABOUT YOU FIND SOME DAMN CARABOU?!?!
Vash: ACK! Shorty? What are you doing here?
Meryl: You've been standing here for the past 3 HOURS.
Vash: Oh...really??
Meryl: -stuffs Vash in a cannon and ignites the fuse.-
BOOM.
Millie: -comes running frantically from the house (which is by now an igloo).- Meryl!!! Something terrible has happened!
Meryl: -rolls her eyes.- What.
Millie: :WE'RE OUT OF PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meryl: X.X
The guys: -realize the danger in this situation and go running for the hills.-
-------------------------Three Snow Dunes Over-------------------------
Vash: Phew.
Wolfwood: We may want to build an igloo out here until Gunsmoke melts and Big Girl can get more pudding. Otherwise we'd likely be mistaken for pudding and be eaten.
Legato: Cannibalism has always held a certain appeal...
Knives: Not another word, Legato.
Legato: u.u
Wolfwood: Well. Only one thing to do now.
Knives: And what would that be?
Wolfwood: Carabou huntin'. -puts on a bunch of camoflauge crap and brings out a rifle.-
Vash: Uh...Wolfwood?
Wolfwood: Huh?
Vash: That camo doesn't exactly blend in with the snow.
Wolfwood: What, you ain't never heard o' hunter's orange?
Vash: Snow is white. x.x
Wolfwood: Well it oughta be orange. Hey, brat, go pee on the snow and make it orange.
Zazie: My pee is NOT orange. Yours might be but mine's not.
Wolfwood: -taking a puff of his cigarette.- Nah. Mine's tye-dye.
Knives: What the FUCK? How the hell is your piss tye-dye?!?!
Vash: Ooh! Ooh! Can you teach me to pee tye-dye?!
Wolfwood: Sure. See, all ya gotta do is... -whispers in Vash's ear.-
Vash: O.O Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Awesome.
Zazie: Hey. What's that thing moving over there? Maybe it's a carabu.
Vash: SSShhhhh. No sudden movements...-begins to creep forward slowly, rifle at the ready.-
Wolfwood: -suddenly begins to do the chicken dance in a very loud and obnixious manner.-
Knives: BLARGH! -dives into a snowbank.-
Vash: -tackles Wolfwood.-
Wolfwood: -sqwuaks loudly as he lands in a snowbank.-
Legato: -chases after the mysterious figure.- STUPID FRUIT LOOP, GET BACK HERE!
Mysterious Figure: -blinks.-
Legato: -tackles it.- GOTCHA!!!
-------------------------Back at the House-------------------------
Legato: I bring you food! -tosses the live lump onto the table.-
Meryl: T.T;;;;;;
Knives: e.e WE FROZE OUR BUTTS OFF FOR SIX STINKING HOURS AND YOU'RE NOT HAPPY THAT WE BROUGHT FOOD?!?!
Meryl: I asked for carabou. This is not CARABOU.
Legato: -blink.- It's not? o.o
Meryl: That...would...be...a...PENGUIN.
Millie: It's so cute! n.n
Meryl: -sigh.- We can't eat it.
Millie: That's right. Because we're keeping it as a pet.
Meryl: No.
Millie: YES WE ARE UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE HUMAN PUDDING!
Meryl: -sigh.- Fine. u.u
Knives: Well, forget it, because we're not going back out there.
Meryl: Oh yes you are.
Knives: And what incentive could possibly motivate us to do such a thing?
Meryl: If you ever want to use your genitals again you will.
Dominique: -chops salami with a butcher knife very loudly.-
The Guys: Yes, ma'am. O.O;;;
-------------------------Back in the Winter Wonderland-------------------------
Knives: Remind me to kill her when we get back.
Vash: Dude. You'd probably end up with a mallet on your head and a chainsaw in your chest. Not to mention what body parts you'd be lacking.
Legato: I think Shorty likes Master Knives.
Knives & Vash: o.O;;;;;;;;;;;;
Knives: I think not.
Vash: I concur! T.T
Wolfwood: Nope. Not possible. -trying to light a cig with a frozen lighter.- Because we all know--
Vash: That she likes me!
Wolfwood: Nooooo.....
Vash: What?!?!? ;.;
Wolfwood: Meryl's not allowed to like anybody. I'm her pimp. I dictate who she does and where she does them.
Vash: O.O WHAT?!?!?!??!?
Wolfwood: Sorry, man. I was supposed to keep that under wraps, but I didn't want you to get your hopes up.
Midvalley: Dude. I thought the Authoress banned pimping on Gunsmoke.
Wolfwood: She did. But I got a special Pimp Permit. -flashes a shiny, flourescent card.-
Vash: Nooooooooo! I can't believe this!
Legato: Why? It's not like you love her or anything.
Knives: Say what now? You bitch! You're cheating on Rem! -tackles Vash.-
Vash: Rem's dead! I can cheat all I want!
Knives: Screw you! -pulling at Vash's hair.- Rem was cheating on you with me!
Vash: GASP!!!!!!! NO! REM WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME!!!!!!!
Knives: Face it, Vash. Rem and I were lovers. We did it allllllll night looooonnnng.
Vash: LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING! -stuffs snowballs into his ears.-
Legato: Vash, don't move.
Vash: LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING!
Legato: -rolls his eyes.- Fine then. Be that way. -aims his gun and shoots.-
Vash: -blink.- YOU KILLED ME! YOU STUPID BASTARD YOU KILLED ME!
Legato: -.- -walks over to where Vash was entrenched in the snow and picked up a dead carabou.- I don't think my aim was that bad.
Knives: -snickers.-
Vash: How can you find this funny?!? He nearly killed me!
Wolfwood: Dude. You wet yourself. -points to a patch of yellow snow.-
Vash: O.O
-----------------------Later That Night-----------------------
Everyone: -sitting around the campfire roasting Legato's carabou.-
Meryl: Well. It would seem we have some competence around here after all.
Vash: -sniffle.- He tried to kill me.
Wolfwood: You wet yourself.
Meryl: O.O AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Legato: -stands up.- I think I should have a reward for bringing home the bacon.
Millie: Tastes more like chicken to me.
Legato: T.T
Knives: Legato, you can't change your name to Jones again. And you've already had your hotdog priveleges. Think of something else.
Legato: -ponders.-
Meryl: How about some diapers for Vash?
Vash: I resent that! ;.;
Legato: I've got it!
Knives: Well?
Legato: I want Vash the Stampede to experience Eternal Pain and Suffering!
Everyone: -.-'
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Woot. That was fun. Took forever to write. But oh well. You love me anyway. You know you're addicted. And if you're not, well I have my methods. Bwa ha ha. Oh yes. It's my birthday Saturday. So wish me a blasted happy birthday already. And send me presents. Lots and lots of presents. And money. I could always use that stuff too. But if you can't pay for the shipping, I suppose you could always just send me a review. Phooey. Chapter 11 coming soon. Have to finish writing the T/I Crossover chapter 3 first so be kinda patient please. Thankies.
-Arishia-chan (Alicia)