A/n-I've gotten such a good response from the first chapter, I decided to make a second one. Actually, I was threatened, but that's beside the point. Ahem, welcome to chapter two of The One What?
Disclaimer-All I own is the random items. Yay? Oh, and the story that Sauron tells in the third paragraph has several jokes owned by Longhair. SORRY, but I couldn't help it! It was just so hilarious, especially with the "cigar".
Sauron couldn't believe it. The elves had beaten him to creating ruling rings. "GAAAAHHHH! STUPID PRISSY ELVES!" he raged, throwing alarm clocks at random haradrim warriors.
"What happened this time?" asked Marco Polo, looking at the multitudes of unconscious haradrim warriors.
"Well, it was a cold December morning in June, and I was just about to craft my One Ring to Rule Them All. I saw with my MAGICAL EYE THAT SEES ALL that those stupid prissy elves had created ruling rings for themselves. What a great way to spend a warm March afternoon!" said Sauron.
"Sure…" said Marco Polo.
"This means that we have to create something completely different!" Sauron cried.
"But we've tried spatulas, candles, soap bars, and Spanish textbooks, and none of them worked!" cried Marco Polo, "Why don't you give up this world domination idea?"
"Because then we can't lure those hobbits to the dark side," said Sauron, "And then nobody will get to enjoy the LOTR saga, and all of this random fanfiction will not be fanfiction!"
"Well, that would suck," said Marco Polo, "But we still have those three teenagers to worry about, too,"
"And that Spanish teacher who gave me a free ear piercing," Sauron fingered the 320 inch, 834 carat diamond stud in his ear.
"Sure…"said Marco Polo.
"Ahem. Anyway, let me work on my brilliant ideas of WORLD DOMINATION!" Marco Polo looked around and left so Sauron could create brilliant ideas of world domination.
2,039,803,941 seconds later…
"BEHOLD! THE ONE NEWSPAPER TO RULE THEM ALL!" cried Sauron as he held the demonic newspaper aloft. The orcs ogled it in wonder.
"Ooh, it's the New Yorker!" breathed the Fatally Wounded Yugoslavian Man, whose name will now be shortened to the FWYM. F-W-Y-M, GO TO THE F-W-Y-M! Whoops, sorry, random YMCA-parody outburst. Sorry. Anyway, there was suddenly the sound of mass destruction.
"What the bloody fudgey hell?" asked Sauron, looking toward the Black Gate that was now in ruins.
"HOOM! DON'T CUT DOWN THE TREES FOR YOUR PRECIOUS NEWSPAPERS, HOOM!" a very loud odd voice came out of nowhere.
"Ok, who told the Ents that we were making The Mordor Mirror newspaper out of Entwives?" Sauron asked the orcs. They all shrugged. Random Orc #3, who will be renamed Random Orc #3, looked away and whistled innocently while sporting a "Support the Green Party" badge on his shirt-ish thing.
"OK ENTS, I'LL BURN THE NEWSPAPER IF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" shouted Sauron.
"NOOO RECYCLE!" shouted Random Orc #3.
"HOOM SURE WHATEVER HOOM!" shouted the Ents before running away. Sauron threw the newspaper into Mt. Doom. Random Orc #3 jumped after it, screaming something about recycling and toxic waste. And that was the end of the Green Party supporting orc.
So after three hundred zillion rubber chickens and three hours, Sauron came up with the most dastardly, evil thing ever created.
"BEHOLD! THE ONE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR TO RULE THEM ALL!" The orcs oohed and ahhed as Sauron held the Elvis Impersonator aloft. Dark storms began to arise. Balrogs began doing the jitterbug. Brittany Spears began to sing. The Elves all got split ends.
"HOLY LEMBAS I'VE GOT SPLIT ENDS!" shrieked the elves, and the all sailed into the Undying Lands, except for the ones that didn't feel the wrath of the split ends, meaning the ones that wore hats. Go them.
Anyway, Gil-Galad and Elendil knew that Sauron with the One Elvis Impersonator was much too strong for them and the strongest alliance of Elves and Men ever known. So they got on the hotline.
"Hey, you've reached Hype, and I'm either at Rhia's band practice or running in circles screaming like a chicken with brain fever. Please leave a message after Green Day's "Holiday" plays. Thanks!" Gil-Galad didn't bother waiting for one of the most awesome songs on the face of the planet to end so he could leave a message. He decided to try calling Rhia or LH.
"This is Rhia, and I'm busy spazzing or at band practice. Please leave a message after the impossibly long dial tone from HELL!" Gil-Galad sighed again, and decided to call LH.
"I either am not at the hotline right now or my caller ID has picked up your number and I've decided that you aren't worth my time. Probably the latter. Please leave a message that I'll never listen to," Gil-Galad threw his hotline phone at Elendil, killing him. And now we know how he REALLY DIED! Let's just say that Isildur was fairly pissed off.
"I guess we're on our own for this battle," said Gil-Galad to nobody in particular. To ensure that Gil-Galad didn't look crazy (because he's cool, you cannot deny this!), the authoress decided to put Círdan and Elrond there to talk to him just for the heck of it.
"We must defeat the One Elvis Impersonator! He's forced a lot of elves to run off and go to the Undying Lands!" said Elrond, "If it keeps up, I won't have any elves to be lord over!"
"Well, business is booming for me. Elves really go for those white ships that are extra-expensive. I don't really mind the Elvis Impersonator, as long as I wear a hat," said Círdan, shrugging. Elrond and Círdan got into an argument that resulted in a fistfight. Gil-Galad rolled his eyes.
"Never fear! The…what did we plan on calling ourselves again?" a mysterious and powerful voice came out of nowhere.
"Umm, I don't remember," said another voice.
"The Splendiferousjestic Sauron Slicers," said a third voice.
"Ok, good. Never fear! The Splendiferousjestic Sauron Slicers are here!" shouted the first voice. In a brilliant flash of light, three teenagers appeared.
"I'm Hype, and I shall use the power of random projectiles to defeat the One Elvis Impersonator!" shouted the third person, feeling special enough to announce herself first.
"I'm Rhia, and I shall use the power of sporks to defeat the One Elvis Impersonator!" shouted the first person, feeling unhappy that she had to go second.
"And I'm LH, and I shall use the power of duct tape to defeat the One Elvis Impersonator!" shouted the second person, wondering who came up with the announcing order.
"We detected a very powerful evil presence here, and decided to come investigate. Also because there was a rumored fistfight between Elrond and Círdan, and I wanted to make sure Elrond didn't die because the twins haven't been born yet!" said Hype, "And the twins are the best!"
"What the hell is she talking about?" Elrond asked Círdan, mid-punch.
"Beats me," said Círdan, mid-bite.
"OW! GIL-GALAD, HE BIT ME! HE BIT ME!" cried Elrond, pointing accusingly at Círdan.
"Whatever," said Gil-Galad, rolling his eyes.
"Ok, so in order to keep the storyline, you guys can't go off and fight Sauron or else the story will be called "Lord of the Elvis Impersonator", not "Lord of the Rings". So we'll be seeing you for the actual Last Alliance. Oh, and find out some way to revive Elendil. He dies later," said Hype, as the three teenagers left the place where they were.
"LET THE LORD OF THE BLACK GATE DO THE STUFF THAT HE HAS TO DO!" shouted the three teenagers, once again standing before the Black Gate.
"YOU DO REALIZE I'M IMMUNE TO BOOKS, DICTIONARIES, AND MUSIC NOW, RIGHT?" asked Sauron.
"YEAH, THAT'S WHY WE BROUGHT RANDOM PROJECTILES, SPORKS, AND DUCT TAPE," shouted Hype.
"Great, they've discovered my weaknesses already. Send the EVIL SPANISH TEACHER-LADY out after them," said Sauron. The Black Gate creaked open and a blonde woman was standing there.
"HOLY CRUMB IT'S THE TEACHER-LADY!" shouted Rhia and Hype, before running in circles screaming.
"GO PURPLE NOTECARDS!" shouted the Teacher-Lady. She threw purple notecards at Rhia and Hype, completely ignoring LH because she didn't know who he was.
"GO DUCT TAPE!" shouted LH, killing all of the evil purple notecards.
"YAY LH!" shouted Rhia and Hype. Hype threw random projectiles, Rhia threw sporks at the Teacher-Lady, and she ran off to wherever the Spanish Teacher from the last chapter went.
"I wonder if they'll ever try to use the power of the Spanish Textbook on us?" asked Hype.
"Don't want to think about it," said Rhia and LH.
"WAIT A MINUTE, WE CAN'T WORK WITH YOU, YOU'RE BRITISH!" shouted Hype and LH.
"I'm British for a day, you're German for a day. LIVE WITH IT!" shouted Rhia.
"Ok, fine, just until we destroy the One Elvis Impersonator. THEN we have to not work together for a day," said LH.
"Ok," said everyone else. However, their job suddenly became very easy because the Elvis Impersonator got sick of people accidentally calling him the "Elvish Impersonator" (BAD EVIL TYPOS!) and had gone and destroyed himself.
"Woo, we've saved the world again!" said LH. All of them cheered. At that moment, an army of flock of rabid college mascots came and mauled the three teenagers, and they died.
"Well, that's great. The three people of specialness and Splendiferousjestic Sauron Slicing were just mauled by rabid college mascots. Lovely," said Gil-Galad, who was now having a very bad day.
"I think we should just pretend all of this NEVER HAPPENED!" said Elendil's ghost.
"Wha…?" said Círdan and Elrond, who had decided that violence was not the answer, except when it came to water polo.
"I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" screamed Hype's ghost. Rhia's ghost and LH's ghost also appeared.
"No kidding, since we ARE dead people," said Rhia's ghost.
"Ok…" said Gil-Galad.
"You know what I think?" asked Random Orc #3's ghost, "I think that the authoress has entirely too much time on her hands, has been up since 4:30 this morning, and has had entirely too much sugar today,"
"Yeah," said Hype's ghost, "And most of it was in powdered doughnuts. And that OTHER person whose name I can't put here because I don't know if she wants me to complained that I was snowing on her head. I WAS MOST DEFINITELY NOT SNOWING ON HER HEAD!"
"Ok…" said everyone else.
"Luckily for us, I have the MAGICAL TIME DOODAD and we can all go back to the beginning of the chapter before the large majority of us died," said Random Orc #3's ghost.
"Yeah!" said LH's ghost, because he hadn't said anything in a long time. So Random Orc #3's ghost used the MAGICAL TIME DOODAD to send them all back to the beginning of the chapter, where peace was peaceful…ness…so yeah…
EXCEPT UNTIL WE REALIZED WE WERE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER AND SAURON WOULD BE TRYING TO TAKE OVER MIDDLE EARTH WITH A NEWSPAPER AND AN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR!
DUN DUN DUN!
Ok all, please press the pretty purple button at the bottom of the page to send hate mail, love mail, and spam to me! Please? This is my first humor story since the Animated LOTR one, and I haven't written humor in a while. So please please please drop me a review, even if you hate it and feel like flaming! PLEASE?