Scene 1 - Harry's bedroom, night
Harry: Lumos maxima!
Light: .:appears, brightens, then goes away:.
Harry: Lumos maxima!
Light: .:repeats:.
Harry: Lumos maxima !
Light: .:repeats:.
The Brilliant Author: Uh, whatever happened to magic outside school being illegal?
J.K.: And since when is 'lumos maxima' a spell?
Harry: .:comes out from under covers and closes eyes:.
Uncle Vernon: .:enters room, looks around, and leaves:.
Harry: .:smirks:. He's even stupider than Dudley sometimes.
Scene 2 - #4 Privet Drive, day
"Aunt" Marge: .:bustles in:.
Uncle Vernon: .:hands Harry Marge's luggage:. Here, you've been promoted to bell-hop.
Harry: ….
"Aunt" Marge: Where my Dudders! Where's my neffy-poo! .:slobbers Dudley with kisses:.
Dudley: Where's my money?
"Aunt" Marge: What?
Dudley: In the book I get money. Where is it?
Aunt Petunia: Shh!
Harry: Uncle Vernon, I need you to sign this.
Uncle Vernon: Only if you behave, boy. I've decided to go the five-year-old obedience route: if you don't throw a tantrum, you get a reward.
Harry: .:darkly:. I'll behave if she does.
Organ: .:dun dun dun:.
Scene 3 - Kitchen of #4 Privet Drive, evening
Dudley: .:watches TV:.
Adults: Blabber blabber brandy blabber blabber more brandy blabber blabber.
Audience Members: Isn't this movie supposed to be rated PG?
"Aunt" Marge: Let's talk about Harry now. Where does he go again, Vernon?
Uncle Vernon: St. Brutus'. It's a center for people who are – uh, for incurable cases.
"Aunt" Marge: .:appears to be checking Harry out:. Do they use the cane there, boy?
Uncle Vernon: .:nods behind Marge:.
Harry: Oh yeah, I've been beaten loads of times.
Dudley: .:watches TV:.
"Aunt" Marge: Blabber blabber bad blood blabber blabber in all the best families blabber blabber.
Aunt Petunia: .:has not said a single word this scene:.
"Aunt" Marge: Blabber blabber female dog blabber blabber pups blabber blabber.
Harry: Seeing as I never got that broomstick kit from Hermione, I have nothing to take my mind off this fat woman. So I guess I'll have to start getting angry… .:starts getting angry:.
"Aunt" Marge: Well, I changed my mind. Actually, it's the father that makes the difference. This Potter…what did he do again, Vernon?
Uncle Vernon: Uhh…he was….. :ahem:. ….unemployed.
"Aunt" Marge: .:snorts:. Blabber blabber drunk blabber blabber like me blabber blabber.
Harry: .:can no longer contain his anger:. That's a lie!
"Aunt" Marge: What?
Harry: .:repeats his last line:. My dad wasn't a drunk!
Dudley: .:watches TV:.
"Aunt" Marge: Blabber blabber idiots blabber blabber got themselves killed blabber blabber you're lucky blabber blabber!
Lights: .:start to flicker:.
Wind: .:suddenly is inside:.
"Aunt" Marge: .:begins to swell:.
Dudley: Mooommmmy!
Harry: I didn't do it!
Audience Members: Yeah right!
"Aunt" Marge: .:continues to swell and starts to lift out of her chair:.
Patio Doors: .:are conveniently open:.
Uncle Vernon: MARGE!
"Aunt" Marge: .:begins to float away:. Ahhh!
Uncle Vernon: MARGE! HOLD ON!
"Aunt" Marge: Don't you dare ruin my grand finale!
Uncle Vernon: Sorry!
Dudley: .:watches TV:.
Scene 4 - #4 Privet Drive, evening
Harry: .:stomps upstairs to his bedroom, slams his door shut, and kicks his trunk:.
HP Fans: Let the reign of badtempered!Harry begin!
The Brilliant Author: You know what? Harry's pretty fit when he's angry.
Americans in Audience: Fit?
Brits in Audience: Oh, come on! Get with the program!
Harry: .:storms downstairs holding his wand and pulling along trunk:.
Uncle Vernon: You put her back! You go find her in the atmosphere and put her back!
Harry: .:points wand at Vernon:. She deserved what she got. I'm leaving.
HP Fans: No, Harry, you can't! If you can't call #4 Privet Drive home, then there's nothing protecting you from –
J.K.: Will you be quiet? He doesn't know that yet, remember? You're going to spoil the fifth book for him!
HP Fans: Oops. Sorry.
Scene 5 - Random street in Little Whinging, night
Harry: Stupid relatives. Stupid house number 4. Stupid Privet Drive. Stupid Muggles. Stupid life. .:sits down on side of road:.
HP Fans: .:cheer:. It's angsty!Harry! And no one's even died yet!
J.K.: Why I outta….
HP Fans: .:pull out their wands:.
Movie Critics: Don't you have an owl? What happened to her?
HP Fans: She's off hunting…in the book, anyway.
Street Light: .:goes out:.
Wind: .:picks up:.
Swings: .:swing:.
See-saw: .:saws:.
Bushes: .:rustle:.
The Brilliant Author: Ooh, so creepy. Not.
Black Dog: That is one fit kid over there. .:growls:.
Harry: .:stands up and brandishes wand:. Get back, you scurvy braggart!
Sir Cadogan: Hey! That's my line!
Black Dog: .:continues to growl:. He's so…manly. I i love /i manly men.
Knight Bus: .:enters stage right with a loud screech:.
Harry: .:falls over:.
Stan Shunpike: .:reads from a little card:. Hello, I'm Stan Shunpike, your acne-infested conductor. Welcome aboard the Knight Bus. Notice the pun. .:realizes Harry is on the ground:. Whatchoo doing down there?
Harry: Fell over, thanks to your Mystery Mobile. .:looks behind Knight Bus:.
Black Dog: .:has disappeared:.
Bushes: .:continue to rustle:.
Stan Shunpike: Whatchoo looking at?
The Brilliant Author: Way to ruin the moment, Stan.
Stan Shunpike: Well, come on then. I'll take your trunk. .:makes a big deal of picking up trunk and putting it on bus:.
Harry: .:sits down on a bed:.
Stan Shunpike: Take her away, Ernie.
Shrunken Head: Yeah, take her away, Ernie.
J.K.: Er, Alfonso? Shrunken heads don't talk, even in the wizarding world.
People riding Knight Bus: Oh, stop ruining it for the people who haven't read the books.