Landing in London I

By: Athena13 PG-13
Category: Romance, Drama, Jolie
Summary: JOLIE. Takes place after 2/05.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Frankly, I would treat them better if I did.

Author Notes: Thanks to SUSweetie and the funny people at Soapzone messages boards. They make OLTL way more fun and bearable. This story goes good with 3 Doors Down's Landing in London song and the new album, obviously it inspired the title.

> > > > >
Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

> > > > > >
Now
> > > > >

It started out with a kiss. How did it end up like this?

This was the irreverent refrain drifting in and out of Natalie's mind as she contemplated the darkness out the kitchen window. One hand cradled a cup of tea, the other rested on her swollen stomach. In truth, she should be asleep in her bed. It had been over twenty-fours hours since she'd had any sleep and her body was begging her succumb to sweet slumber, but her mind wouldn't turn itself off. Too restless to lie in bed, she had come downstairs seeking the comfort of a hot cup of tea. It was a habit she had picked up over the past six months spent in London at her father's house. Tonight, though, it wasn't having the restorative result she had come to expect.

All was quiet in the cottage. Her mother, Vicki, had helpfully provided a car to take her straight home from the airport and a maid to do her unpacking. There was nothing for her to do but rest before family and friends converged on her tomorrow morning. The thought of the coming chaos made her smile and her fingers stroked lightly over her belly. Being missed was a novel experience, at least that's how it felt to her. For the first time in a long time she felt part of a family. She owed that to the life that was growing inside her. Which she owed to... With a sigh she cut off her train of thought.

That, in truth, was why she hadn't been able to sleep. It wasn't the excitement over seeing her family and friends, the hassles of travel or jet lag. It was about John. He was here in Llanview and try as she had over the past six months there was no getting him out of her mind. Soon he would not just be in ber mind. She would see him. Have to talk to him. With another sigh she put her empty cup in the sink and leaned closer to the window.

So engrossed in her thoughts and used to the security of her father's home in London, Natalie was blissfully unaware of the sounds around her. Particularly that of someone entering the kitchen from behind and watching her.

John's breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. The light coming in the window bathed her milky white skin with an ethereal glow. Her hair, longer than it had been the last time he saw her six months ago, waved gently around her face and flowed down her back. As beautiful as her face was his eyes were drawn to her hands resting on the white cotton covering her stomach. John's hands clenched into fists inside his sweat jacket. He wanted to touch her. To feel the baby. But his touch, his feelings were not welcome. That had been made abundantly clear to him over the past half a year. First by Natalie and then by all the men in her life that warned him away - her brothers, her father and her uncles. Only Jess, Roxy and Vicki had given him reason to hope that all was not lost given time.

I should have gone to London, John thought to himself as he watched Natalie close her eyes and her head droop. He was told not to, asked not to, but he should have done it anyway. It was only cowardice that held him back, not respect for the feelings involved like he often tried to justify.

"Do we have to do this tonight, John?" Natalie's words broke into self-flagellation.

"It's been long enough, don't you think?" John rasped.

Natalie just nodded and turned around to face him more directly.

"I want to touch...," John broke off abruptly. That's not what he had meant to say. He didn't know what he meant to say, that was part of the problem. Six months to lead into this and that's you're opening, McBain! he silently berated himself.

"Okay." Natalie's soft words of acquiescence made his pulse jump.

A few bumps of the table and chairs between them John was standing in front of Natalie. Most unhelpfully, his hands were still stuffed in his pockets. This close to her for the first time in so long his body felt as paralyzed as his words.

Seeing his discomfort, Natalie smiled slightly and reached out to grasp his left wrist in her hand and pulled it towards her. "Open your fist," she quietly instructed him. When he complied she put it over their restless son.

John felt energized and faint at the same time. Tears came to his eyes and he felt like whooping for joy. He felt angry for not feeling this sooner and joyous to feel it at all. All the feelings and emotions jumbled up inside him and threatened to spill out. His usual defenses threatened to crumble and leave him vulnerable at this younger woman's feet. But decades of instinct came to his rescue and he just nodded and threatened to smile. He wasn't strong enough, however, to stop a tear from sliding down his cheek or to stop his hand from trembling.

After a long moment John took a long breathe and looked into Natalie's face. He left his hand where it was resting.

"You look tired." John frowned as he noticed the smudges under her eyes and that the paleness of her skin wasn't just from the street lights hitting her profile.

"It was a long trip."

"How...how do you feel? How is...the baby?"

"We're healthy. Your son is healthy."

Now, John's eyes did close and his entire being visible trembled. He knew it was a boy, Roxy made sure he knew. Feeling him move, though, now it was real.

"John?" Natalie moved closer and put her hands on his arms.

"Give me a minute. No, don't go." John muttered when she made to move away from him. All of his anger and guilt of the past months temporarily didn't matter and he put his hands on her waist and pulled her forward against him. Dammit to hell, she felt too good against him. His hands strayed to her back, pressing her, them, closer. One hand strayed up her back and under her hair to her neck. Unthinking, he tilted her head back and looked down at her.

Lost. He was lost in her warmth and her dark blue eyes. Despite, or perhaps because of, her condition his body felt like it was on fire having her against him. Then again, that was how it had felt before. That was why they were here now, in this moment.

> > > > >
Before
> > > > >

Chief of Detectives John McBain had gotten used to seeing Natalie Vega around the station. He enjoyed watching her banter with the cops, the lawyers and even the annoying reporters who tried to break protocol and eavesdrop in the squad room. He was amused at how all the court clerks told him to tell her hello when he was at court testifying or getting a warrant. He was relieved that his requests for files or research were efficiently handled. She brought a lightness and an efficiency to the station that they hadn't even realized they had been lacking

And he absolutely loved the coffee.

He was happy that she was had gone back to college part-time to finish her criminology degree and he was relieved to see that the desolation that lingered in her eyes so long was gone. He had even been able to stop thinking constantly about what, who, had put it there in the first place.

After her first few months there Evangeline had cuttingly called him out on his lie about Natalie's hiring being only temporary. He had, he sheepishly admitted, been trying to deflect her anger. He had thought, hoped, that after some time had passed that she would forget about it and get used to having Natalie around the station. You know, reasoning that if he showed her how committed her was to their relationship she wouldn't worry about his and Natalie's mostly innocent past.

But even after four months, Evangeline still got bothered when Natalie answered the department phone when she couldn't reach him on his mobile or Natalie came into his office to deliver a file or relay a message. She hit the roof one day when he found out they had gone to lunch together, even though Antonio was supposed to be meeting them and had to cancel at the last minute. But fortunately, those moments were getting fewer and far between as time passed. And John just kept making sure he didn't bring Natalie up in conversation and if Evangeline brought her up he'd remind her how much he couldn't keep his hands off her..

That Natalie had started dating again was also helping. A couple of fellow students, a lawyer and some bum she had met at Rodi's. A few times they had come across each other on dates and it had all gone very smoothly, civilly. John breathed a sigh of relief and looked for new and safer things for him and Evangeline to base their arousing sparring around.

By Natalie's sixth month on the job, John was fairly certain that the hurdle had been crossed. Natalie was over him and Evangeline was over Natalie. John chuckled to himself whenever he had that thought, it seemed like Evangeline had a harder time getting over Natalie than John ever had. After all, he reminded himself, nothing had ever really happened between him and Natalie.

Just a kiss. Or a few.

He never thought about that night in his bed when she rose above him in her black bra, luminous white skin and flaming hair. Almost never. He never thought about how she felt under his hands. How hot she burned against him. How she tasted. Hardly ever.

So what if he had a fantasy or two now again, he was a man. As long as Evangeline didn't find out.

But on Natalie's six month anniversary with the LPD it wasn't Evangeline who caused the situation to come crashing down.

Bo had just taken Natalie out to lunch to celebrate and to thank her for a job well done. The guys in the squad, thankful for the work she did and, John was sure, the view, bought her a sweet gift for her desk to mark the occasion, a pot of mini-roses and a box of chocolates. That evening they all planned to go to Rodi's so Natalie could beat them at pool. John, feeling safe, decided to go along. It had been a long time since he and Natalie had played a game of pool and he was sure he could beat her this time. It was a group event, it was innocent even if Evangeline decided to get her nose out of joint.

> > > > >
Now
> > > > >

Feeling the changes in her body, John couldn't help but compare to the last time he had seen her, felt her. She smelled different. Did she taste different too? Before the thought could fully form in his mind Natalie's generosity was at its end. She pushed his hands away and moved aside and walked around him.

"Nat," he pleaded.

She stopped and he watched her struggle for a moment before turning around. From the other side of the kitchen table he could see the tremors shaking her body. But she waited for him to speak, and he was grateful and scared.

She was so beautiful. She was wearing a white cotton top, it tied just over her ample breasts and her enticing cleavage was visible. The top ended midway down her bare thighs. God, he wanted nothing better than to slide his hands underneath and feel her. Hold her against him again. Stop her tremors. Comfort her.

Comfort himself.

"I've missed you."

Natalie closed her eyes and swallowed. The struggle was visible on her face. He was sure she had missed him; he was just as sure that it killed her to admit it.

"I missed you, too."

Her words staggered him. Was it possible she could forgive him?

"Don't ask anything more of me tonight."

"Are you going to be able to sleep?" he asked, surrendering to the plea in her navy blue eyes.

"Probably not, but I don't want to talk about...about anything either."

"Sooner of later we're going to have to," John said.

"I know. That's why I came back." Natalie held out her hand to him in a stop gesture. Without realizing it, John had moved forward as if to go through the table.

"Please leave. Come back," she paused thinking about tomorrow. "Come back tomorrow at 3."

"All right," John ceded.

He stood alone in the dark kitchen after she had gone.

> > > > >
Before
> > > > >

He enjoyed watching Natalie play pool. He enjoyed how her brow furrowed in concentration, how her eyes sparkled when she made a shot. Being a guy he enjoyed watching her bend and twist to line up a shot, how she had the perfect amount of grip and torque on the stick. He even enjoyed the admiration of her skill from his fellow cops. Sitting at the table near the pool table, sipping his cold beer, John felt more carefree than he had in a long time.

"Johnny Mac, it's your turn. Wanna give me a run for your money?" Natalie flipped her flame-colored hair and fixed John with a challenging look.

John's lips twitched into a smile in response to the saucy picture she made with the stick planted in one hand and her other hand on her cocked hip.

"So sure you're going to win?" John stood up and walked towards until he was mere inches from her. Close enough to feel the body heat she had built up wiping the table with their colleagues. Close enough to smell her enticing combination of perspiration, hair conditioner and fruity perfume. "So sure I can't beat you?"

"Statistically speaking, yes." Natalie's smile blossomed and lit up her entire face. Her hair shimmered under the lights.

Like a child distracted by something shiny, John reached up and slid his fingers through Natalie's hair. "It looks like fire, but feels like glass," John murmured.

Natalie's smile slipped and her breath caught in her chest. As she often did when feeling threatened her spine stiffened and her chin lifted.

"How about we just play and we cut out the mind games?" Natalie pulled her hair from his unresisting fingers.

"Sure," John plastered on a menacing smile and reached behind her to grab a stick. His smile widened as he felt Natalie's breath hitch, the only discernible evidence that his nearness flustered her. "Game on."

Three games later Natalie was up two games to one. John was insisting on one more game, wanting to vindicate himself in front of his peers and wipe the smug grin off Natalie's face. Besides, he was having fun. He took a sip of his new glass of beer and watched the wheels spin in Natalie's head as she counted the money she had already won from him. He knew she couldn't resist a challenge, just as much as he relished giving them. So, he was going to take his time.

"You wanted those boots."

"How do you know about the boots?" Natalie slipped the bills into the tight front pocket of her jeans.

"I heard you and Jess talking the other day. Think about it..." John paused to take another sip of beer. "One more game you can afford those boots. Or, we can be tied and then we'll find out who's really better."

"We already know I'm better. You just don't like to lose."

"No. I don't. And you love to win. It's a pretty fated combination, don't you think?" John put his beer down and walked a few steps closer to Natalie.

The few cops that were left at the celebration shared some meaningful eyebrow raises and silently decided to hit the road.

Enjoying the verbal sparring, which was rather reminiscent of their first meetings, Natalie walked a few steps closer to John. She slid a finger in between the buttons on John's blue button-down shirt. "You know," she whispered as she pulled at his clothing teasingly. "I think that if you want me to play one more game so you can recover your manly pride it's going to take more than money?"

"Ahem, like what? Shots? Strip pool?" John chuckled and trapped Natalie's hand and pressed it against his chest to stop her arousing gesture.

"Shots is a good start, but I wouldn't want our Chief of Detectives walking around Rodi's in his skivvies." Natalie laughed.

"Bob, four shots of Tequila, please," John shouted across the bar. "What else?"

"Definitely the money. Double or nothing. But something else...hmmmm," Natalie moved just a bit closer to John, enjoying the flush her nearness was obviously causing.

John's eyes narrowed at her daring antics. Two can play that game, he vowed. Moving closer, John pushed her shirt up and put his hand on her bare waist. He grinned when her breath hitched and her eyes widened. "What else do you want?" he asked, allowing his fingers to stroke lightly against her skin. His chest swelled when he saw her eyes slip down to his lips.

"How about I name what I want when I win?" Natalie pushed against John's chest, but he didn't allow himself to be moved.

"Only if I get to do the same."

"Fine, now get out of my way and show me the money." Natalie pushed again, this time John let her take back her hand and he moved away.

"What's the rule about the shots?" Natalie asked as she bent over the table and began racking the balls.

John admired the view for a moment before speaking. "When you miss a shot, you drink."

> > > > >
Now
> > > > >

John stood across the street from Natalie's cottage waiting for her family to leave. It was just past three o'clock now. He was invited, but he didn't want to walk in their and ruin her fun. Or face questions that he couldn't answer. Finally, at 3:15 he watched Natalie usher everyone out. He heard Bo make her promise that she would be at Asa's for dinner.

She waved everybody off before, unerringly, looked straight at him. Her expression didn't change and she didn't wave him in. His invitation was the door she left standing open as she turned and walked back into the cottage.

"Don't tell me that I shouldn't leave the door open because it might attract riff raff," Natalie teased from her position on the couch.

John smiled and locked the door behind him and walked toward where she was sitting on the couch, her legs up on the coffee table. He stood and looked down at her for a moment. She looked like she either hadn't gotten much rest last night after she had gone up to bed or the visit with her family had drained her.

"Can I get you a drink of...milk?" John asked, clearing his throat nervously.

"I was force fed plenty of milk today, already. Sit down John."

John looked around and chose a chair that was kitty corner to the couch.

The silence stretched on for several uncomfortable minutes.

"You'd think after all the time we've had to think about this conversation we'd know what to say, or at least how to start it," John said into the silence.

"Maybe we do but we're just afraid to say it?" Natalie said, standing up with a little difficulty. She moved around the coffee table and paced a few times, as if the thoughts and words she was entertaining were too hard to contain in one place.

"How could you lie to me?" Natalie asked.

John stood up and braced himself to provide his long overdue explanations. She hadn't he guessed, read the letters he had sent to her in London. He didn't even know if she knew about them, if her father had intercepted them.

"He asked me..." John began his inarticulate explanation.

"I got your letters. I know the story. I know that you got the DNA results after that railroaded conviction. I know that he asked you not to tell me so that I could get on with my life. Christian confirmed that much. What I'm asking you is how you could lie to me day after day. How you could let a mentally incompetent man rot in prison - my husband - and then call yourself my friend."

Natalie's sapphire eyes pleaded for an answer that made sense.

"I hired an attorney to try and help him, but he wouldn't cooperate. He said that you wouldn't get on with your life knowing he was in prison and I didn't want that for you either. As your husband I felt that it was his choice."

"I didn't know about the lawyer, he didn't say, and I appreciate that. But what I'm asking is how you could lie to me, not just once, but over and over again."

John closed his eyes and briefly remembered the visions he had of Natalie happy with children that day when he chose to keep Christian's secret. "I was damned if I told you and damned if I didn't. One way you would have your husband back, but it would consume your life. On the other hand I was lying to you. Guilt was my constant companion."

"Like it was about Caitlyn. I was just another woman to feel guilty about."

John saw the hurt flash in her eyes as she turned away.

"Maybe you're right, but my feelings for you were despite any guilt I ever felt about Christian or Haver or Cramer."

"Paul? You felt guilty about Paul?" Natalie turned and looked at him in surprise.

"You were with him because I was too selfish to tell you how I felt about you."

Natalie didn't dispute that.

"I guess we have something else in common," Natalie said.

"What?" John asked.

"Living with guilt. Imagine how I felt when I found out that the night we were in bed together my husband was committing suicide in prison where we had left him to rot."

> > > > >
Before
> > > > >

John was grinning evilly as he watched Natalie take another shot of tequila. She had just missed the eight ball. Which meant if he made this shot he would win. Once and for all. Beating Natalie Vega.

Natalie slammed her shot glass down on the table and waited for John to take his shot. Dangling precariously in her fingers was another shot, waiting for John to miss.

She grimaced when he made the shot and drunkenly clapped her hands, spilling some of the shot over her fingers. John smirked at the accident and walked over and grabbed her hands and stilled them.

"I think you should drink to your win," Natalie's words were slightly slurred.

John brought her wet fingers up to his mouth and began to suck the tequila off them one by one. He watched her eyes darken to the shiny hardness of sapphires and her tongue dart out to moisten her lips. Certain he had made the point he wanted to make, whatever that was, he grabbed the shot and finished it off.

"I believe that I get to choose my prize, besides the cash you have nestled so snugly in your pocket." John hooked a couple of fingers in her jeans and pulled teasingly.

"What do you choose?" Natalie asked breathlessly.

"Well," John mused and brought his lips close to hers. He looked at her lips and then back into her eyes. "I'll think about that. For now I'd better see you safely home."

The warm night air settled on them, but not oppressively, as they walked the empty streets towards the cottage. They were both more than a little bit inebriated, both from the alcohol and the fun they'd had. It was like neither had a care in the world, and it being a Friday night and off work the next day, the illusion settled in quite easily. Young and carefree they talked and laughed animatedly right up to Natalie's front door.

"Thanks for walking me home, John. And thanks for coming out tonight. You usually don't come out with us," Natalie said.

"It was my pleasure." John reached out and pushed the hair off of Natalie's face and smoothed it out behind her ear. His hand lingered, caressing some strands between his fingers.

"Are you okay to walk home?" Natalie peered up at him curiously.

"I'm not drunk," John said.

"Yeah?" Natalie laughed. "Say the alphabet backwards."

"I can't even do that when I'm sober," John rasped.

"So you admit you're drunk." Natalie was pleased to have caught his slip. She slid her hands onto his waist and pulled him towards the front door. "At least come in for a cup of coffee. You can always crash in Michael's room. He's at the hospital tonight, I think."

John's brother Michael had moved into the cottage right after Natalie. Marcie's brother Ron had moved in a month later.

"If you want me to come in, why don't you just ask?" John teased, brushing his fingers through her hair, over her neck and down her back.

"Who says I want you to come in? I'm just taking pity on a poor drunk guy. Wouldn't want you to get jumped on the way home, or cited for public drunkenness." Natalie shrugged and looked away.

"I say you want me to come in and I get to choose what I want. The bet, remember?" John leaned down and whispered in her ear.

"Are you saying that coming inside is your prize?" Natalie whispered back.

"Part of it." John nibbled at her ear.

Natalie was unable to suppress a shiver.

"Aren't you going to ask me the rest?" John asked.

Natalie turned her head. "What is the rest?" she asked.

John's answer was to press his lips against hers and initiate a kiss. A passionate kiss. All teasing was gone as he pulled her flush against him and pressed her against the front door.

Natalie's arms wrapped around his neck as she returned his probing kiss with fervor.

"Keys," John murmured as he slid his lips from her mouth down to her neck and back up again.

"Hmmm?"

"Open the door," John growled.

Natalie leaned her head back and reached into her purse. She dug around blindly before pulling her hand out triumphantly. Helplessly, she tried to reach behind her and fit the key to the lock. With a satisfied chuckle, John grabbed the keys and finished the task, never once taking his lips from hers.

The entwined couple lurched into the house and John kicked the door shut with his foot. Natalie's purse and the keys landed on the floor as he lifted her in his arms and kissed and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom.

> > > > >
Now
> > > > >

"Who was the lawyer you hired?" Natalie asked.

"Joe Pennington from Harrisburg. He's the best appeals lawyer. He said we had a good case to get Christian out or at least moved somewhere where they could help him, psychologically. But Christian refused to cooperate with him or any psychiatrists he sent in. He filed some petitions, but the court refused to grant them without Christian's testimony."

"I might have been able to get him to agree," Natalie whispered.

"I went to see him myself a few times. After the first time he refused to see me. He told me he wouldn't see you either. Or Antonio. Or Carlotta. I believed he meant it."

"That's what he said in the letter," she said, referring to the letter Christian had mailed to her shortly before taking his own life in prison.

"What did he say?"

"He said that he still had urges to kill. That he was afraid he would hurt everyone he loved. He wanted me to have this letter in case I ever did find out about who he really was. He said I should forgive you for keeping his secret. That he wouldn't have agreed to see me anyway. That he needed for me to be happy." Tears slid unheeded down Natalie's face. Every word of the letter was imprinted on her brain.

"If I had known he would...I thought he would eventually come around," John whispered. He wanted to go to her, to dry her tears, but knew he did not have permission to do that.

"After losing...no. I promised I wouldn't do this." Natalie sighed and sat down on the chair John had vacated. She was caressing her stomach in a comforting, circular motion.

John kneeled down in front of her. He didn't touch, but he wanted to. "Can you forgive me?" he asked.

"I already have. What you did was really stupid, John. But I understand why you did it. And, I have to forgive you because we have a child coming into the world in a few months."

John closed his eyes and he dipped his head. His breathing was ragged. He never dared believe he would hear those words from her.

"It's a gift for me and our son, John. Not you. It's for Christian, because it's the only thing I can give him now. I had to forgive him, too. I don't agree with what either of you did, but neither can I change it and condemning is a luxury I can't afford," Natalie said. She waited for John to look up before continuing.

"John, I've seen what living like that can do to someone. That's what you did after Haver killed Caitlyn. I won't live like that and our son will not have a mother like that. The only real question is whether you can give up your selfish addiction to guilt and be a father."

"I...yes, I can." John swallowed tears.

"I would like you to see someone. A therapist."

John opened his mouth to speak, a few times, before finally gathering words. "Okay."

"I did that, in London. It's the only thing that has me coming out the other side of this. I'm not done. I'm going to see someone here for a while, for as long as I need to. I'd like for you do see someone too and for us to do some joint sessions. We need to find a way to get past this and be good parents."

"I can't deny that request, Natalie. I want, I want to be a good father. And I want to be a good...friend to you."

"Just a friend, John?" Natalie challenged him.

"I love you, Natalie."

Natalie closed her eyes and pulled his hands into her lap. She nodded, but didn't speak.

"I should have said that a long time ago," John said.

"Yes, John. You should have. It's a good starting place for now.

> > > > >
Before
> > > > >

John watched Natalie sleep next to him. Sobered and passion's flame doused, or at least contained, the reality of what happened was battling with the threatening hangover to take over his head.

Evangeline was probably waiting in his bed back at the motel.

But this was where he wanted to be and where he didn't have a right to be.

Gently, he stroked Natalie's bare shoulder and placed a kiss on her cheek. Reluctantly, he moved out of the bed and stood up and began to put his clothes, which were scattered about the room in silent testament to their passion, back on. When he was clothed he stood over the bed and watched her sleep. Finally, he forced himself to leave. When the door was closed behind him he took a deep breath.

"I love you, Natalie Vega," he whispered to the empty hallway.

End - for now