CHAPTER SEVEN
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
Linkin Park - Somewhere I belong
Connor moved in time with the music, feeling odd about being in the training room with Concetta. There was no disrespect meant to Willow or to Kennedy's memory. Concetta had energy to burn and a dancer's discipline to practice no matter what. He doubted that anyone would even be awake at this hour of the morning.
He had gone to bed alone last night, Buffy having spent her time, quite naturally, with her sister and her friends. He had debated going home to the dorm but a late night storm that cut patrolling short had changed his mind. He hadn't slept well though. Connor wished he could say he had lain awake thinking about Willow and her pain but the truth was it put him in mind of Cordelia, Jasmine and the friends he had lost.
The lack of sleep was making him clumsy now, as least in his own eyes. He felt a half step out of synch with Concetta but she was lost in her own body, moving and anticipating him. He would be forever grateful to his father for giving him this grace. Oh, he had grace enough as a fighter but he knew dancing would have been beyond him. It was one thing to have elegance and another to find a rhythm. This was a gift, even if he was mutilating the steps to Swan Lake. Connor did manage to make his mark and swung Concetta up overhead as he spun in time to the music.
"That is really beautiful. Why don't you want us to watch you guys practicing?"
At Buffy's voice, Connor nearly dropped Concetta over backwards. Firming his grip on the young Slayer, he set her down gently.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Buffy said.
"It's okay," Concetta said, her embarrassment at getting caught mirroring Buffy's at disrupting them. " I know we probably shouldn't be here dancing with everything that's happened."
Buffy smiled softly. "It's okay, Concetta. Sadly you get all too used to death. You're lucky to have a good outlet. Your dancing was so pretty. Reminds me of when I used to ice skate. I haven't been since..."
Connor saw the pain in Buffy's eyes. He chalked it up to yet another lasting trauma. Apparently Slayers collected scars like he did. "Something bad happened then," he said, more statement of fact than inquiry.
"A band of supernatural assassins were after me and my boyfriend. I can't believe that was over five years ago already." A little pout settled on Buffy's lips. "Am I getting old?"
"Age is relative," Connor said, wiping beads of sweat off his forehead. "I like a little age, always have I guess." He didn't know where he got it from but it was true. He simply liked women who were older than him. It was sexy.
"So you picked me because I'm old?" Buffy wrinkled her nose at him.
Connor smirked. "You are so far from being old, it's not funny. You're older than me and it's a turn on. But I'm betting that you didn't come here to see if I thought you were old. What's up?"
"We're going to pay a visit to the priest later today." Buffy turned to the younger Slayer. "Concetta, Giles and Dawn want to talk to you about the questions to ask the man. The three of you will be handling the priest. Me, Faith, Connor, and Xander will be poking around."
Connor's eyes narrowed. He didn't have to be told Xander didn't particularly like him. Also, this arrangement left Willow alone again and that concerned him. "Will Willow be okay alone?"
Buffy shrugged but Connor saw she wasn't as laissez faire as she probably wanted to appear. "She says she'll be fine. We won't be gone all that long."
Connor wished he knew the whole story. There was something about Willow that he clearly didn't know and it made the others jumpy. "Does Willow want to come with us?" Connor knew some people liked to work through their grief. For all he knew, Willow was one of them. He was also aware of how people liked to put their grieving friends in bubble wrap to shield them, not realizing how they were actually smothering them.
Buffy's big eyes suggested she had not only bubble wrapped Willow, she had duct taped it into place. "I never thought to ask. I'm sure she'd rather be left alone but I guess it couldn't hurt to ask."
"Then give us a few minutes to shower and we'll join you," Concetta said, dabbing at her sweaty face.
"Don't let me get in the way of that." Buffy grinned.
It didn't take Connor long to rinse off and join the others in the living room. He was aware of all the eyes on him. Faith looked at him almost dismissively which rather hurt. Xander had a look that screamed Connor was an outsider. It was a familiar feeling for Connor, unwanted and ugly. He wondered if he would ever find a place where he was the piece that finished the puzzle.
"Ready to rock, kid?" Faith asked as he sat down.
"Got a name," he muttered, going back to that old argument.
She rolled her shoulders, disinterested in his annoyance. "Yeah, I know."
"I'm ready. I just wanted to ask if Willow wanted to help out," Connor said, looking over at the redhead.
"How insensitive," Andrew popped off, jumping up to put a hand on Willow's shoulder, cutting off her response. Connor thought she had been about to say yes. "Our poor Willow just suffered a deep loss and you ask her to act like nothing happened. You obviously just don't understand loss."
"I know all about loss, Andrew," Connor said, his voice low and dangerous.
Andrew missed all the warning signs. "Obviously you don't or you wouldn't want to make Willow work."
"Some people find it therapeutic," Connor replied, his lips skinning back off his teeth. "And you know nothing of my losses."
Andrew sniffed at him. "A rich spoiled college student, you think you can even begin to understand Willow's pain at having a second lover murdered?"
Connor saw Buffy bristle at that, a flash of fury in her eyes for Andrew but he decided to ask about it later. He had his own emotions to wrestle. He turned to Willow. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it happened before." He whipped back over to Andrew, poking him hard in the chest. "And just so you know, last year I lost my girlfriend. She died of complications of childbirth. Our daughter died a few days later so don't tell me I don't understand loss." Connor's voice went rough, catching like sandpaper over silk.
Buffy put her hand on his arm, turning him to face her. "I'm so sorry, Connor. You never said."
He pulled in on himself, shaking his head. "I don't like talking about it." Swallowing hard, his Adam's apple bobbing, Connor glanced over at Willow. "Sorry, I didn't mean to detract from your pain and make it about me." His eyes hardened as he looked back over to the unapologetic Andrew. "I just don't like being told I don't count."
Buffy rubbed his back as Willow smiled at him.
"It's all right, Connor. I'm sorry for your losses, too," Willow said. "I'll stay here, maybe go through the books again. Maybe I can find a safer way to fight these things than risking hand to hand combat."
"That would be very good, Willow," Giles said, resting his hand on her shoulder for a moment. "Shall we then?"
Once they were underway, jammed into Giles' vehicle, Buffy slid a comforting arm around Connor's waist and smiled at him softly.
Xander looked over the front seat at him. "I lost my fiancée last year, too. It's not easy."
Connor nodded. "No, it's not and I'm sorry. As a group, we don't have much luck do we?"
"Not often," Buffy said, her eyes old and sad. "Giles, do you have any idea what the rest of us will be looking for while you, Dawn, and Concetta talk to the priest?"
"Not exactly," he admitted. "I'll try to examine the baptismal font that Connor mentioned. I think you need to concentrate on the basement of the church. Many of them contain crypts and underground passages. That might be very important."
"Lucky us, party in the crypts," Xander said, glancing at Connor with an incredulous look on his face. "And you chose to ignore college fun for this?"
Connor shrugged. "Apparently I'm not overly bright. Actually I'm here taking one history and one writing class. Crypts are history. I'll pretend it's an assignment...or even turn it into one."
Xander's one eye swept over Connor. "Yeah, I see what you were saying, Buffy. He is going to be a junior Giles."
"And the problem with this is?" Giles asked, not taking his eyes off the road.
"Could be worse. I could be trying to be Andrew," Connor shot back. "I think I'll go with emulating wisdom and class."
"Easy there, G-Man's head will get too big to be in the car with us." Xander smirked.
"Where were you, Connor, when I had to deal with the likes of Xander in high school?" Giles smiled at Xander, gentling his words.
Hell, Connor thought. "Learning the insanities of dating a Californian vegan probably. A course I do not suggest if you happen to enjoy eating anything that actually casts a shadow. That's probably why I don't miss a meal, Concetta. You know how to cook." Connor smiled at the younger Slayer.
"Yes, not always a good combination with dancing," she said ruefully.
"Feed all the extras to Connor. The kid could use some meat on those little bones," Faith said eying him critically.
"I'm wiry. This is the way I'm supposed to be." Connor pouted and Faith's snort did nothing for his mood. Connor fell into a deep brood.
"You really remind me of someone," Faith said, and he knew she meant Angel. He couldn't deny his mannerisms seemed to be inherited. The curious thing was that the look in Buffy's eyes said she agreed with Faith so maybe there was another brooder in their bunch that he hadn't met yet. Well, whoever it was it sure wasn't Harris. Xander apparently wore his emotions on his sleeve.
Connor maintained his stony silence until they were in the basement of the church. He wondered what they hoped to find. He did not want to find a soul-eater in the catacombs. There was no room to maneuver down there. They'd end up dead.
"Where do we find the crypts?" Xander asked. "We're not looking for an X in the library."
Connor smirked at the Indiana Jones reference. "Most of them are not marked with an X nor are they public. We'll probably have to break in if we can even find the entrance and...I'll be honest I'm not itching to go into a catacomb where the walls practically touch your shoulders and we can't possibly fight."
"You wait until now to tell us this why?" Faith's eyes darkened with irritation.
"Buffy already knows. We've been down in them once already," Connor said. "And we needed to do something, right?"
"Being the duck in a duck shoot wasn't what I had in mind," Faith said.
Connor nodded. "And it hurts, what they do. I got saved at the last second from one and I can tell you it hurt bad."
"Way to rally the troops," Xander muttered.
Connor looked over at Buffy, wondering why she wasn't coming to his rescue at least a little. Maybe she was more upset about Kennedy's death than he realized or worried about Willow. Maybe she was still smarting over the fact that she thought he considered her 'old.' Or maybe her life didn't exactly revolve around him and he was being overly sensitive but it seemed to him that sharing his own tragedy had made her withdraw from him.
She didn't even spare him a second glance as they started examining the lower level of the church for a way to get into the catacombs. They found their way into a crypt but from there it looked like a dead end, a repository for some church dignitaries. Connor wished he knew what to do with his misery because it was coming at him like an eighteen wheeler and he was walking toward it arms spread wide. He shouldn't have mentioned Jasmine and Cordy because now he couldn't get them out of his mind. All he wanted was to go somewhere and curl up to cry. It was a distraction he could ill afford.
"Over here," Faith called. "This doesn't look very hidden." She pointed to a cracked memorial plaque. "Think something's been through here?"
"Looks like," Buffy said, squatting down so she could move the plaque.
The narrow opening behind it was dark, a musty smell roiling out of it. Connor wrinkled his nose against it, trying to remind himself to mouth breath. Flashlight in hand, Buffy took point and Faith brought up the rear. Connor had rarely been in the middle of a pack. It felt odd, claustrophobic and he didn't like it but he was on Slayer territory so he resolved to just deal with it. The old stone of the catacombs felt like the tomb it was. Xander kept stopping, rubbing his shoulders where he constantly banged them on the close walkway walls.
"Your butt needs to be narrow to get through here," the dark-haired young man said.
"We're going to be so screwed if that thing is hiding down here," Faith grumbled.
"Anyone else hearing the Jason music?" Xander mumbled.
"These things move very silently," Connor said, not liking all the banter. He was more of a stealthy hunter. "Maybe we should hush so we have a prayer of hearing it."
"You can sniff them out," Buffy said, glancing over her shoulder at him.
"Not down here...not accurately." Connor looked at the bones lying on the shelves of stone. "Too closed in, too much mildew and...other stuff."
"Okay, I'm starting to freak out. These catacombs are branching out all over the place. Anyone leave a bread crumb trail?" Xander asked, his voice tight, as his eyes scanned the maze of passages.
"I can smell my way back," Connor assured him then stopped, catching movement out of the corner of his eye. He whipped his flashlight down the shaft to his right just in time to highlight a soul-eater's face. The thing was on him before he could move. It yanked him forward, crushing his skull into a loculi and Connor saw stars. Thunder rumbled in his head as he tumbled into darkness. Connor didn't quite go all the way out, finding himself face down in someone's remains. He couldn't even scream as the familiar tearing sensation shredded him from inside out.
Connor heard a flashlight shattering and Xander cursing. He assumed the other man had tried to brain the soul-eater. The taffy pull of his soul ended and he heard Xander cry out. He had obviously succeeded in getting the soul-eater's attention. Dazed from the head wound, Connor couldn't even lift himself up out of the bones. He stayed down and out of the way. It was next to impossible to fight in the narrow passageway but Faith and Buffy were managing it. His vision cleared in time to see Buffy finish the creature off. It fell on top of Xander who grunted. Connor took that as a good sign.
"Xand?" Buffy asked at the same time as Faith said, "You okay, kid?"
"Oh my god...it tried..." Xander said, his voice hollow. He shook under the dead demon.
"Yeah, told you that hurt," Connor said, his vision not cooperating. "Damn, it split my head open good." Connor could feel the blood pouring down his face, warm and thick. He knew his skull was okay. It took a lot to break him. He'd fallen three stories and landed face down more than once without breaking anything.
"We need to get you out of here," Buffy said.
"I'll be fine...just need to get the bleeding stopped," Connor said, trying to turn around to head back. He swallowed hard against the rising bile. He couldn't get sick here.
"Xander, can you walk?" Buffy asked as Faith helped him up.
"I'm wigged but fine," he replied.
"Does this mean those things are coming from this church?" Faith asked as she started back.
"I don't know," Connor said. "We know they've gone into other catacombs at other churches near here but...my gut tells me something is rotten in the state of Denmark."
"Why don't we concentrate on the here and now and worry about Denmark later," Faith said.
"He means there's something wrong with the church," Buffy said, recognizing Hamlet when she heard it. "And I agree. Let's hope Dawn, Giles, and Concetta have found something out."
"Let's hope the priest didn't sic more of those things on them. Concetta's too green to handle it," Faith said, sparing an irritated look for Connor over the literary reference.
By the time they surfaced back into the lower levels, Connor's shirt was soaked in blood. Buffy shone the flashlight at his forehead.
"Oh, ick," she said, her lips pulling into a rictus.
"Is that your best medical opinion?" He grinned through the blood. Colored lights danced at the edges of his vision and around his friends like the aurora borealis.
"Your head looks like a horror flick," Faith said. "Peeled off part of your forehead."
Connor touched the painful flap of skin that was still pumping blood. "It'll heal fast. We just need to bind it back in place."
"The one thing we never think to bring, bandages," Buffy said, tearing off the end of his shirt to fashion a makeshift bandage. "We'll fix you better when we get home. Now, we'd better check on the others."
"I think maybe Xander and Connor ought to go directly outside," Faith said. "No sense tipping off the priest if he is involved."
Buffy nodded. "Good idea."
"I'm more than willing to sit in the car," Connor said and that's what he did. He collapsed gratefully in the back seat, his head throbbing. Xander sat in the front seat.
"You don't want to have a doctor stitch that up?" Xander nodded to Connor's head, still very white-faced himself.
"I heal like the Slayers," Connor said.
Xander's solitary brown eye popped open. "How's that work?"
Connor shrugged, not in the mood to talk. "Born that way. I don't think much about it."
Xander seemed to digest that for a moment. "So, you're dating Buffy."
"Yeah." Connor wished Xander would shut up. His head hurt too much to talk.
"She's special, our Buffy," Xander said as if he thought Connor didn't understand that.
"I know. Xander, I'm not trying to be rude...but I'm not sure my brains aren't leaking out of my skull. Can we talk about this later...when I'm not bleeding? I'll answer whatever questions you have. I'd rather you hear it from me than Andrew or hell, even Buffy herself. But right now..."
"Quiet would be better," Xander finished. "I'm not good with quiet."
"How did I know you were going to say that?" Connor moaned.
Xander gave him a crooked smile. "But since you look ready to faint I can try."
"Trust me, won't faint." Puke maybe. Connor put a hand to his head. Maybe if he held his brains in it wouldn't hurt so much; wrong. Xander did shut up but it only lasted a minute before everyone else piled into the car and Giles took off a decidedly faster pace than he used getting to the church.
Buffy pulled Connor against her shoulder and he left himself relax against her. "Talk to us, Giles," she said.
"Father Gabrielle is lying about something. He was highly offended we were even asking questions and I get the distinct impression that he is utterly obsessed with sin," Giles said.
"He wouldn't really answer our questions," Dawn put in. "He kept trying to get rid of us."
"He is...I think he has given up on the world," Concetta said hesitantly. "He does not believe we can be saved. Some of the things he said...that's what I think."
"We're too wicked? If he only knew." Faith snorted.
"So why a soul-eater?" Connor asked. "Why not a sin-eater?"
"You can get your sins eaten?" Buffy made a face. "What would that taste like?"
"I have some sins they could eat." Faith grinned, her dark eyes dancing.
"The sin-eaters come in as you're dying, Faith," Giles said, in full Watcher mode. "Which is why we're probably not seeing them being used. If Father Gabrielle is behind this, and if Concetta is right about him giving up on his flock, then saving the sinful few on their death beds isn't enough. He's looking for a wider annihilation of the wicked. I have to agree with Connor. That baptismal font has been used in a conjuring."
"So what do we do about it?" Buffy asked.
"That I don't know yet. We'll do the research when we get home but it's imperative that he not be allowed to summon more of these things. For all we know, he's conjuring more every day," Giles said.
"Perfect," Faith muttered, summing it up in one word.
Connor ignored the small talk on the way back to their home. He was slow getting out of the car. Buffy took his hand leading him into the kitchen.
"Sit. There's no room to maneuver in the bathroom. I'll go get the stuff and fix your head." She favored him with a small smile.
"Thanks."
While Buffy was gone, Willow brought Xander into the kitchen. She put a hand on Connor's shoulder. "Xander was telling me the soul-eater nearly got the both of you."
Connor refrained from nodding, not sure his head wouldn't snap off. "Yeah. And I forgot to say it, thanks, Xander. If you hadn't distracted it, it might have killed me before Buffy and Faith could slay it. So, thanks. I owe you."
Xander managed another crooked grin. "You're welcome. Buffy's saved my bacon more times than I can count. Faith, too, now I guess."
"That's twice one of those things nearly got me. I can do without a third time." Connor sighed. "And yet it's oddly comforting."
"How?" Xander gave him a look that said he thought Connor might be nuts.
"Well, now at least we know we have souls," Connor replied.
"Was that ever in doubt?" Buffy asked, coming back in with a crate of medical supplies.
Connor stripped off his ruined, blood-soaked shirt and tossed it in the garbage can that Willow moved next to him. "Sure. I mean, there are many forms of belief that consider the soul more allegory than reality. It's sort of comforting to know that there is a real soul and therefore maybe an afterlife to look forward to."
"Good point," Buffy said, taking the bandage off his head. She started sponging the dried blood from his face. "I can tell you from experience that there is a heaven."
His eyes canted up at her but no further explanation was coming. Connor saw the anguish in her eyes and the hurt looks on Xander and Willow's faces and decided not to press the issue.
"That looks awful," Willow said, gesturing to his head. She went back to putting the tea kettle on, which is why he presumed she and Xander came into the kitchen in the first place.
He could see how eager she was to change the subject. "Those things are strong. I've fallen multi-stories before and landed on my face and it didn't hurt this much."
"It clipped your head off that bone shelf, looks like it caught you just right. You're sure you heal like a Slayer?" Buffy asked worriedly as she slathered anti-biotic ointment on gauze.
"Positive. By tonight, it'll be sealed over," he promised.
"Okay."
Buffy bandaged his head and Willow got him a glass of water so he could take some aspirin. He doubted they'd help the drum beating behind his eyes but he was willing to give it a shot. Once he was cleaned up, they went into the library.
"Connor, do you need to rest?" Giles asked. "We have plenty of eyes here for the books."
"I can help," Connor promised.
He found out fast it was a lie. He must have a concussion or as close as his body could come to it. He couldn't focus on the words so he just put his head down for a moment to rather than and gather himself together. The next thing he knew someone was shaking his shoulder. He looked up blearily.
"I was beginning to think we'd need to take you to the hospital after all." Buffy smiled gently at him.
Connor rubbed his eyes, saddened to discover the headache was clinging like a burr. "Sorry if I scared you. I guess it whacked me harder than I thought. How long have I been out?"
"It's a little after noon," Buffy said. "I was getting a little too worried to just let you sleep it off...wasn't sure if it was sleep or coma."
"No, it's okay." Connor rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to pinch the headache out of his skull. "Did we learn anything?"
"Mostly that we need to be sure that this priest is calling them and stop him. And if not him, then find out who and fast," Buffy said grimly.
"Thoughts on how to do it?"
"We're going to stake out the good Father and the church. We being me, Faith, Concetta, and Willow. You're right, she wants to feel useful," Buffy said ruefully.
"Those things killed her girlfriend. I can imagine she wants a little of her own back," Connor replied and Buffy's expression instantly transmuted into fear.
Buffy's face went the color of old paper. "That can be a bad thing...just trust me on that."
Connor could tell this was one of those things he wasn't going to be made privy to. He couldn't complain. He was doing the same thing, hiding part of his life. "I trust you. I notice I was left off the list."
"Tell me you're honestly up for a fight tonight," she said, crossing her arms in front of her.
Connor sucked in his lower lip, running his upper teeth over it. He had fought wounded before. He got up from the table to prove he was fine and the room swam. "No, I'm not. I'll stay here and help the others."
Buffy touched his shoulder. "Good because I was prepared to knock you on your butt if you argued."
Connor smirked. "Now's not the time to talk dirty to me."
Buffy laughed. "You're bad."
"Just remember that...and I hope Andrew does, too, because tonight is so not the night to start running his mouth at me."
"Hopefully he'll be with Xander," Buffy said sympathetically.
"And that they won't gang up on me. Though, I think Xander was appeased by a promise to answer any questions once my brain wasn't leaking out my ears any more." Connor shrugged. "He seems very protective of you."
"He is of me, Dawn, and Willow actually. We're more family than friends."
"That's good. I don't mind the questions...just would like to be able to form thoughts when I answer them." Connor sighed, wondering what half truths and outright lies he might be forced into telling now. He'd just go with his Reilly history.
"Understandable. If he gives you a lot of trouble..." Buffy trailed off.
Connor figured she didn't want to be between her friend and her new boy toy. "I can handle myself."
"I have no doubt of it." Buffy's expression changed as she led him out into the courtyard between the homes. Connor wondered why she was taking him outside but given the warmth of the late afternoon, the honey scent of the profusely blooming Spanish Broom and the overly sweet fruiting figs it was an idyllic setting. Connor sank onto the garden bench, looking up into the blue Mediterranean sky. For a moment, he wondered how in the world he had ever gotten here. It just didn't seem to fit his life but of course he had found the people who did fit it. "I just wanted to say...should have said earlier, I'm sorry, Connor."
His brow knitted, knifing pain toward his brain. "About what?"
"About the things that happened to you last year." She sat next to him. "I can't imagine losing a lover and a child at the same time."
"You did say so earlier and I didn't handle it well, losing them I mean," he confessed, scanning her face for recriminations about being too young to have a child or for having hid that fact but saw none.
"I don't think those are the things we're meant to handle well...or at all," she murmured, resting her head against his shoulder. "When I lost my lover, I took off, just ran away for months."
"Sorry. God, we're the things operas are made of," he said and she laughed wearily.
"I know. Can we just sit quietly?" she asked plaintively.
Connor just slipped an arm around her and they lounged, soaking up sun and floral scents until it was dinner time. Once it was dark, the super powers headed off while the others retired with the books. At Giles' urging Connor did his homework for his creative writing class. He found it deeply ironic to be fulfilling an English requirement in Italy but he was enjoying short story writing. Mr. Cavello liked his imagination. Connor got a laugh out of that since all he was doing was retelling his life in Quor-Toth as a set of fantasy pieces. He knocked out most of another story then went to bed, still feeling poorly.
He was awoken again when someone opened his door, softly calling his name. He looked up to see Buffy. He turned on the bedside lamp. "Did you get them all?"
She shook her head. "Dusted some vampires and the way into the catacombs has been sealed." Her lips pulled into a grim line. "Someone knows we were there."
"Then we're on the right track."
"Yeah, we just need to pick up the speed is all before more people die." She slumped against the doorframe.
"We'll get him...if this priest is this deranged, he's not going to stop because he thinks we're on to him. He might not even think that. For all he knows, we're some thrill seekers going into the catacombs," Connor reasoned.
"He's going to stop one way or another." Her eyes hardened. "Can I stay here? I know you're in no shape...I...I just want someone to hold on to."
"Of course." Connor flipped back the covers and turned out the light.
Buffy slid in next to him, resting her head on his chest. Connor cradled an arm around her. She didn't say anything more, falling asleep quickly. Connor, somehow, found it harder to slip back away, her secrets and his buzzing around in his head.