Never a Normal Relationship…

By Lady Cleo

All Disclaimers Apply.

While setting down on Jayne's home world things go from messed up to screwed up for Jayne, River and the crew of Serenity. (Jayne River, Post Objects in Space.)

Chapter Two: The Right Atmosphere

Jayne stepped down off the train, the bright sunlight hitting him in the face. He stretched for a second, shaking off the remnants of sleep, glancing around the familiar platform before turning around to see what was taking River so long. She stood on the last step, starring out at the town with trepidation, a range of emotions playing across her face as she watched the people.

Reaching back he wrapped an arm about her waist, swinging her down to the train platform. She smiled up at him, wrapping her arm around his. "Ellsinore, land of lies and deceit, yet also of warmth and love, which shall we have? Tragedy or Comedy?"

Jayne raised an eyebrow, but shook off her words, figuring that he would eventually get used to them again. Securing River's hand in his he stepped down off the train platform and started into town. The train ride had seemed brief, yet his sleep had been haunted by unfamiliar dreams of things he couldn't remember, things that left him feeling as though he was lost in his own mind. He needed to find solid footing and hoped to the high heavens his family could help provide it.

The little town of Ellsinore was a sleepy one, resisting change as best it could. It was a small town nestled in a warm wooded area with only two main streets. It lay just a couple miles off from one of the larger mining camps in one direction and in the other, a large and vast prairie land, ripe and fertile for framers.

His own ma had come from a small farming family and had managed to inherit a couple of acres just outside of town. She kept a couple of horses, and occasionally hired out the land to farmers. His father's talent in welding kept him employed when things got harder, and kept the family fed with some help from his grown children. Two of Jayne's brothers had chosen farming and ranching over the mine and carved out several decent amounts of land for themselves, but they were a couple miles outside of town. Swinging his gaze down the street, Jayne figured the best course of action would be to go his mother's house.

As they continued down the street familiar faces bombarded his sight, but didn't call out greetings. That only served to confirm that he hadn't been back in a long time. Still he caught no glimpse of family and wasn't sure that if he did he would be able to recognize them. It had been close to twenty years since he'd left.

River suddenly stopped, pulling Jayne to a sudden halt she pointed towards one of the stores. "Jayne's tender."

Jayne followed her gaze to watch his mother step out of a store, followed by her three youngest children. He paused, confessed for a second. She hadn't aged a day since he left, and he barely recognized his younger siblings from the pictures she'd occasionally sent. "Well, best get this over with." Keeping a tight hold on River's hand he led her quietly over, standing just before the stairs that led up to the boardwalk.

Marie Cobb took the first few steps, trying to juggle her packages and three children under ten, all the while speculating where her two teenagers had wandered off too. She paused when she realized that a great towering man stood in front of her. If he thought she was gonna move for him he had another thing coming. Looking up into the man's face she paused, squealed, dropped all her packages and threw herself into her eldest son's arms. "My baby."
"William!" The miner looked up from where he was tying his horses off as his wife's soft voice called to him. "William, who is that with your mother? That can't be Jayne, can it?"

Following her gaze, William Cobb felt his throat constrict in shock. Securing the reins he left his wife to tend to their children and quickly darted across the town street to where Jayne had encompassed his mother in a giant hug, lifting the smaller woman off her feet.

Walking up behind his elder brother William tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, houzi de pigu, you're in the way."

Jayne spun angrily on his heels, ready to take on the man who was interrupting his reunion, but then froze as he gazed down on the grinning face. "Shun-sheng duh gao-wahn." Jayne ignored his mother's glare as he starred down at his eldest younger brother. "What the hell happened to you, kid? When I was left you were still hugging ma's skirts, and now look at you, all grown up big and bulky."

The two brothers clasped shoulders in a kind of manly hug. "Put on a few pounds yourself big brother, mainly round the waist though." Jayne punched the younger man roughly in the shoulder. "You think I changed, wait until you see Isabella and all the rest of 'em. Hell, you haven't even met more then half the family."

A squeal, much like the one his mother had uttered not a couple of minutes ago, suddenly echoed from across the street. Jayne and the group turned to watch a woman go charging across the street towards them. Dropping his voice low Jayne leaned closer to William, "That ain't Isabella, is it?"

Before the younger brother could answer, the woman threw herself into Jayne's arms, nearly knocking the breath out of him as he caught her. "Jayne Cobb, how dare you stay away so long?" She declared releasing her older brother she pulled back and slapped him on the shoulder. "Can't you get that ship of yours to visit our little planet every once in a while? I barely recognize you."

"I could say the same for you." Jayne laughed, ruffling up her hair, "When'd you get so short?" She glared up at him, punching him in the shoulder. A smaller hand suddenly slipped into his as another fisted around a portion of his shirt. During all the greetings River had slipped behind him, keeping hidden from sight.

Jayne reached around, pulling River forward he held her body tight to his chest and smiled at his ma and siblings. River felt the waves of nervousness fly off Jayne. She was confused by the happy thoughts that had rolled of his family, filling her with their warmth, but now their minds had gone blank in confusion, frightening her. So she clung to Jayne's steady form, supporting his weight with her own thoughts as she smiled up at him.

"Who's this Jayne?" His mother questioned with a confused smile.

"Ma, this is River, my wife." Marie Cobb turned white as a ghost as soon as her son uttered the word wife. Reaching out she grabbed a hold of William's shoulder, using her son's balance to keep her steady.

"Wife?" William asked, "You're joking right, last I checked you're still the same man that told me he'd never get married cuz women were too confusing".

"I was seventeen at the time." Jayne defended, his grip tightening its hold around River's waist. Turning his gaze he starred down at his ma, realizing that the woman had yet to speak and was still deathly white, "Ma?"

"She's soft, warm with the shock." River declared, drawing their attention away from the pale woman and back to the younger one that Jayne held so protectively. River let her eyes met her mother-in-law's, smiling softy. "Do not worry, Jayne's tender, his heart fell swift to me and mine grew to his."

Shock, fear, questions bombarded their minds, frightening River with the intensity behind them. The thoughts were too loud and she retreated further into Jayne's embrace, pulling his arms tighter about her, squeezing her eyes shut as she fought to retreat back into the more guarded mind of Jayne. "Too loud." She whispered in a panic, confusing his family even more as they had yet to speak.

Sensing her distress and somehow understanding her meaning, Jayne pushed River behind him, keeping one hand firmly on her waist as she clung to his back, burying her face against the material of his shirt. "Stop thinking so loud, you're frightening her."

"Jayne, have you gone feng le? What the hell is going on?" Isabella demanded.

"She's a little soft in the head." Jayne answered, "I rescued her from the Alliance, they was messin' with her mind." The color slowly returned to Marie's cheeks as the older woman released her son's shoulder. "I can't ruttin explain it very well, as I don't remember much myself." He grudgingly admitted.

River suddenly relaxed against his back, poking her head around Jayne's larger form her eyes once again met those of Marie's. She felt Marie's mind soften with sympathy, a motherly concern whipping away the shock of her son's news.

"What do you mean, you can't remember?" William demanded confused by the words that were coming out of his brother's mouth.

River passed their conversation out of mind, stepping around Jayne to stare at his mother. Marie smiled softly, reaching out her hand towards River, watching as the young woman gently took it. River let Marie pull her into a tight hug, shocking the three Cobb children into silence. She liked the woman's soft, warm embrace, it reminded her of Jayne's mind. There were no needles here, and all she felt flowing off the woman was a series of soft, comforting thoughts, warm with love.

Mal rubbed his forehead in pain as he gazed out the cockpit window and onto the desolate little mining camp. "How many is this one again Wash?"

"Only the second," the pilot replied. Mal groaned in response. "It would help if we could trust the mine foremen, but seeing as they don't wanna lose another employ we're just gonna have to search 'em all."

"Not here, Captain." Zoe's voice cracked over the comm. "Everybody's aboard."

"Right, who's next Wash?"

"You got flashed!" Daniel Cobb demanded angrily, slapping his eldest son on the back of the head.

"It weren't my fault, pa, I was distracted." Jayne explained rubbing the back of his head he motioned to where River examined one of the family photos on the wall of the small Cobb home.

"Don't make no difference whither you were distracted or not, I taught my kids better then that." Daniel Cobb scolded, shaking his head in thought, "You're lucky you were rescued, I'd never of know you were even on the planet. Endangering your little wife there like that, thought I taught you better boy."

"Speakin of, how come you didn't write about her?" William asked. "I thought for sure ma was gonna faint when you told us about her."

Jayne shrugged, "Like I said in town, she's a little soft in the head. I reckon that's why I didn't tell you. Probably wanted to bring her here and show you how great she was or somethin'."

"I can't believe you married a feng le girl?" Isabella Cobb Rory whispered as she set a plate of bread before the boys.

"She ain't feng le, just a little creative in her wording and all. Sides she shot down three men with her eyes closed, ain't no woman better suited in the world for me. Like I said, damn Alliance did something to her head; cut something out so that she can't control emotions too well is all." The words jumped out of his mouth before he could understand them himself.

"Now, how you know that?" William asked, taking a sip of the whiskey that his wife Sarah set in front of him.

"Don't know, comes back to me in bits." Jayne explained.

Daniel slapped Jayne on the back of his head again, "Stupid boy, that's what you get for being flashed."

"Do you at least remember meeting her?" William questioned, scratching at his beard, he watched his elder brother careful. The two had been near inseparable growing up, but Jayne had chosen a life off world, while William had been content to settle down as a miner and raise a family.

"On Ariel, I think, was pulling some kind of heist, stealing drugs for somebody. She was there getting her brain scanned by some gorram doctor. I think we met in the morgue or something like that. Almost got caught, but managed to use my cunnings to escape. Not sure what happened after that, nor when it happened, guessing maybe about two or three years ago."

"Can't remember cuz you were flashed, sa gua."

"You gonna let that go now, pa?" Jayne asked, barely avoiding another slap on the head from his father. "When are David and Jamie coming over?"

"Your other brothers will be here in a little while, it takes 'em a bit of time to gather up all the little ones and their wives."

Marie Cobb walked quietly out into the living room, ignoring her husband and children she walked over to where River had started examining another set of pictures on the wall. Slipping her arm about the smaller girl's shoulders she smiled down at the pretty face, "Why don't you come and help Becca, Matty and me in the kitchen." River smiled up at her mother-in-law and nodded allowing herself to be led away from the pictures.

Jayne jumped up from his chair, "Hey, ma, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Oh shush, she'll be fine with us girls." Marie gently shoved her son back down into his seat heading over for the kitchen door.

"It ain't that I don't trust you," Jayne defended, starting to rise from his chair again. "Just don't like having her out of my sight is all." William snickered at his elder brother's comment, Isabella doing the same. Marie just ignored her son as Daniel pulled the boy back down into the chair. Jayne glared at his two snickering siblings, "What are you laughing at?"

"Never thought I'd see the day when Jayne Cobb went all soft over a woman." William snickered, trying his best to hold back the laughter, "It's a mighty amusing sight is all."

The kitchen was a small, cozy little room, only slight smaller then living room. It had been decorated with dried flowers and painted in warm yellows and whites. At the table in the center of the room Jayne's two teenage sisters sat, giggling over a boy as they peeled potatoes.

"I don't think you were properly introduced to my other two young ones, as they were wandering about town when you and Jayne came in. The taller one's Matty, the shorter, Becca. Ignore their giggling, they've reached the years when they can't stop talking about boys." Besides the differences in height there was little difference between the two girls, almost carbon copies of their mother. Leading the girl over to the table Marie guided River down to a chair and too the seat next to her and began working at preparing the green beans. "We're all mighty glad that Jayne settled down." Marie declared happily. "I'd always thought it'd take a shotgun wedding to make that silly boy of mine settle down."

River felt the waves of remorse seep through the woman's strong mental blocks. She could feel that Marie wanted to know about the wedding. Wanted to have witnessed the ceremony and have been given a chance to cry over Jayne and River. Just like she'd cried during her other four children's wedding and like she would cry when the five younger ones got married.

"Where you from River?" Matty asked quietly. River turned to look at the young child, this one had the familiar name but the unfamiliar face; her thoughts were jumpy, but would grow steady just like her mother's soon.

"Osiris." River declared quietly, watching as they worked at preparing the dinner. Tentatively she reached out and touched Marie's mind again, listening as the woman mentally listed what still needed to be done. Choosing a task that she felt would suit her, River reached out picking up the butcher's knife and quietly began chopping the carrots. The knife felt unfamiliar in her hand, as though she had once held it for another purpose.

"You got any sisters or brothers." Becca asked. River looked up at the younger girl, her thoughts were also jumpy, but wouldn't calm down with age. She would be like Isabella, loud in her thoughts, but quiet in her words.

"Had a brother, doctor on Osiris, but he killed himself trying to save me." River didn't understand her own words; Simon wasn't dead, was he? The memories were all mixed up, she knew he sacrificed himself for her, but she couldn't remember how.

"What about your parents honey? Do they know about you marrying Jayne?"

River shook her head, feeling the waves of sympathy roll off the gathered girls. "They don't know, wouldn't care, have more important things to do. Errands to run, dinners to host, guests can't be uninvited." River felt their hearts go out to her, their feelings and love wrapping around her, creating a comfortable cocoon like the one she felt around Jayne.

Marie reached out with a soft hand, encompassing River's. "Well you just consider us family then." Leaning over she gently kissed River's forehead before standing and moving over to the stove to check on dinner.

Becca and Matty smiled kindly at River, their thoughts shifting rapidly. They didn't understand what it was like to be lonely, wondered how anyone could survive without the same kind of big loving family they had. "You sure are pretty; Jayne always had a thing for pretty girls according to mama." Matty spoke up eagerly, "We don't know him too well; never meet him before this, course we always talked through letters." Matty explained, "He never mentioned you in his letters, must have wanted to keep you all to himself!" Matty giggled, "Seems like something Jayne would do. But now that you're here for a little while, we can get to know you better."

The words didn't match the man, but River kept quiet, sensing from Marie the same thing. There was another reason that Jayne hadn't mentioned River, and Marie wanted to know what it was. It could have been the soft thing, or the alliance thing. Mail sometimes got read by eyes that it weren't intended for, wouldn't be good to send out a letter with her name all over it. Safer not to mention at all.

"How'd you meet and all, do you remember?" Matty asked eagerly, forgetting about her potatoes she leaned forward eagerly. River titled her head; the younger girl's thoughts had jumped to silly romantic notions, flowers and candlelight. 'No flowers on a ship, candlelight was ineffective, bad lighting for necessary tasks.' River thought.

Marie made a move to interfere, but River spoke before the elder woman could come up with an excuse to shush the teenager. "In a hospital, Jayne saved me from the needles. Lived on a ship together with a crew, married in space." River smiled, but paused, suddenly confused. Were these her memories, or their daydreams leaking into her thoughts? Becca imagined a pretty white dress with a bouquet of wild flowers. "Wore a white dress with wild flowers," Matty pictured that Jayne wouldn't dress up for the event. "Jayne wouldn't dress up, wanted to be comfortable on his 'gorram wedding day'." Marie saw a kind old Shepherd onboard, one who blessed the marriage with a proper ceremony. "Was blessed by a passenger, a Shepherd on the way to Boros."

As River spoke the images came together in her mind slowly. A man standing before them with his symbol that would turn to pages if taken apart. A warm, sensual girl covered with grease, a doctor that Jayne didn't like. A funny man who liked playing with dinosaurs and a strong woman who liked the funny man that liked playing with dinosaurs. There was the tall and protective one who owned the big damn boat, and worshipped the pretty woman that smelled of exotic spices and strong love. They were all strangers in her mind, people without faces or names, only with feelings and emotions.

All except for Jayne, who looked funny and out of place in his combat boots next to her, in her white dress with the picked bouquet of wild flowers! There was always Jayne, who held her hand as they were joined by the Book, by the Shepherd.

Mal watched as his weary crew trudged up onto the ramp. "How many does that make?"

"Five, sir." Zoe answered. "Ain't no way we're gonna get them all, there's gotta be a better way to do this captain."

Mal frowned as he glanced over his half dead crew. Only Simon looked alive, and Mal had little doubt that the only thing keeping him steady was the rush of adrenaline from all the worrying he was doing. "Right, everybody get some sleep. In the morning will split up. Inara should be back with us by then. She and Book will take a shuttle, Zoe, Kaylee and the Doc will take a shuttle, and me and Wash will take Serenity. That way we'll be able to get twice the number of camps at once." Turning away from the crew Mal headed back up to his bunk, "'Til then all we can do is rest."

Simon sighed, unsatisfied with the Captain's decision. He felt useless with River somewhere out there, alone with the ape man Jayne. "It should have been me out there with her." He muttered to himself. Kaylee suddenly came up to his shoulder, her arm wrapping around him.

"Hey now, I know Jayne wouldn't let no harm come to River. He'll take care of her. I'm sure he won't get a wink of sleep tonight, making sure she's safe."

Jayne grinned slapping his younger brother on the back, "You married a right pretty woman, Jamie." The younger boy blushed, watching as his father helped his wife climb up into the wagon with their three little children.

"Could say the same for you!" Jamie grinned.

Jayne laughed throwing his arm around his brother's shoulder he led him over to the waiting wagon. "Pa says you could use a extra hand with the cattle, had me a job with them once, I'll come over in the morning and see if'n I can't remember anything sides the fact that I liked slapping them around."

Jamie grinned swinging up into the driver's seat of the wagon. "We'd appreciate that, see ya after breakfast then." Turning to River he nodded to her, "Nice to meet you Ma'am." Slapping the reins he nodded to his ma and pa before driving the horses off.

Walking quietly back up the porch stairs Jayne causally draped his arm over River's shoulders. His thoughts were crowded, yet still comforting to her; she smiled, leaning into his embrace. He'd forgotten how much he missed this family. River turned to look up at him with a smile, "More then one family; one here, one with peace, one with me."

Bending down Jayne placed a brief kiss on her forehead, pulling her closer to him. "One with peace." He murmured, confused by his understanding of her meaning. Together they followed his mother and father back into the house. Peace, it didn't have the same meaning to him that it did to everybody else. But he couldn't place his finger exactly on what it did mean.

"Matty's volunteered to sleep with the little ones." Marie called out as she led her son and his wife up the stairs. "So you two can use her bed, it's a might bit small, but I imagine you're probably used to that, living on a ship and all." She led them down the small hallway into a room that had once passed hands from Jayne, to each of her eldest children as they grew and moved out.

The bed was rather small, covered with a bright red and blue quilt. A distressed vanity sat in one corner, one that Jayne recognized as once being his ma's; it had been spruced up with a fresh coat of paint and pink flowers, like Kaylee would have done.

Kaylee, the name was foreign in his mind, a bright smiling face flashed across his memory, a cheerful laugh echoing through his ears, but then it slipped away, lost before he could grasp the meaning.

Matty entered the room with a bright smile and a white nightgown tucked under her arm. "Here you go River." Marie declared taking the gown from her daughter she set it on the bed, "Might be a bit too big for you, Isabella was a little taller than you, but it'll do for now. Jayne, you need one of your pa's nightshirts?"

Jayne grinned down at the young teenager, pulling her to his embrace with his free arm. "Na ma, I'll sleep in my boxers." He answered, turning his gaze to watch his mother sigh with annoyance.

River grinned, feeling Marie's thoughts intertwine with her own; Marie had always hated the fact that Jayne slept like that, had convinced herself that he would catch a cold in only his boxers. "Told him he'll catch a cold." River declared suddenly, a memory popping into her head, a memory of her scolding him as he climbed into their very small bunk in calm. "But he's too stubborn, said he'd rather use me to keep warm."

Jayne blushed as Matty giggled and Marie smiled, "Thank you River, glad somebody else shares my point of view." Marie pulled Matty from Jayne's arm and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him goodnight, doing the same for River. "You two sleep tight; I'll wake you in the morning with breakfast." Pulling the teenager out of the room, Marie shut the door.

"Now how come I don't remember you complain about me gettin' naked?" Jayne asked, pulling River into a tighter embrace for a second, wrapping his arms about her waist he stared down into her face, waggling his eyebrow.

River slapped his shoulder playful, "Bad Jayne." Slipping from his embrace easily she walked over and picked up the nightgown, fingering the soft material.

Jayne striped off his shirt, dropping it carelessly to floor before taking a moment to pull off his boots as River walked over to stand in front of him, her back to him. "Huh?" Jayne questioned, staring down at her back. "Oh, right." He whispered, realizing what she wanted he leaned forward, slowly unzipping the red dress she wore, placing a brief kiss just below her neck as the dress dropped to the floor. If felt like the first time, but a small part of his brain fought that feeling, telling him that he must have done this a thousand times over. River stepped away from him, slipping the nightgown over her head she started to climb into bed.

"Wait, silly." Jayne's voice stopped her movements and she turned to him, watching as he slipped out of his pants and walked over. "Boots!" He declared pointing down at her feet. River grinned holding her feet out to him.

The mercenary sighed; quickly unlacing her boots he dropped them to the floor. Sweeping the smaller girl into his arms he tossed her up onto the bed. The joyful laugh that tumbled from her lips as she landed on the soft mattress sent tingles down his spine, but the mercenary only shook it off, smiling as he climbed in after her.

Their bodies conformed together beneath the covers. His hands fitting easily around her stomach, legs entangling together. 'Simon wouldn't approve' the river told the girl as sleep rapidly sought her. 'Simon wouldn't like the rock you've chosen' the river whispered, trying to pull the girl back down into the confusion of too many thoughts. But the girl smiled at the river, the rock anchoring her in place, 'Simon is not here, Simon cannot take the rock away.' She reached out to Jayne, slowly connecting his brain to hers, confusing which was which, whose was whose.

Jayne pulled her closer, half asleep his mind searched around, pulling things slowly to the forefront. Her not dressed at all, standing before his bunk. It didn't seem like it had really happened, almost felt like his mind had just created the memory, but logic swept down over his thinking. It made sense, course his wife would do something like that, they were married and all, why shouldn't his wife be standing before his bunk naked. "Seems to me that I remember you not wearing anything to bed on a couple of occasions," Jayne murmured quietly against her neck.

"Special occasions." She giggled.

Jayne let sleep slip up on his mind, knowing that it would bring the confusing dreams. But the soft warm body next to his was a comfort, he would wake up in her arms, she would hold him steady. Just like how he felt when holding Vera, confident and strong, capable of fighting off the darkness. "Vera? Where in ruttin hell is Vera?" Jayne demanded sitting up quickly as sleep fought to take him back down.

River stirred, slowly pulling him back down to the covers. "Agonizing is unwarranted, she's with peace."

"She's with peace." Jayne murmured letting River pull him back down into her embrace, letting sleep wash away his thoughts of calm, of peace, of serenity.

River wandered down the corridors of her mind, poking her head in the doors of her memories. Doors that led to Osiris, doors that led to the academy, new doors that had replaced old ones, doors that led to empty rooms where memories used to live. She liked the doors; big doors, small doors, some fancy wood, some brightly panted, intimidating metal doors that frightened her. They mirrored the memories behind them, a fancy door for the fancy party she went to on her thirteenth birthday, a small door for her first step.

As she wandered among the familiar ways she turned a corner and found a different corridor. It was quieter, darker, all the lights dimmed down. This was not her mind… she had wandered off from her own and stumbled into somebody else's.

Stepping lightly she followed her instincts around, the doors were different here, they were all locked, not open like hers. They radiated different temperatures, some where cold, others hot, and some just warm or cool, but they all looked the same.

As she wandered down the unfamiliar ways she came to a door, a locked door that called to her, sang out to her. Nothing radiated from this door, and when she touched the handle, the lock fell away.

It was a bunk, a peaceful bunk, decorated to suit its inhabitant. Knives, guns, things he loved were placed about. Yet there were also secrets, tucked away, hidden from her view, but she could feel them floating in the air.

Climbing on the bed she looked about her, waiting, watching the room as though it would come alive. And it did, from the dark shadows of a corner, he stepped out. He looked like Jayne, felt like Jayne, thought like Jayne; he was Jayne, just like she was River. Walking over to her he glared down at her angrily, always angry. He confused and intrigued her, sent shivers down her spine.

Crawling to her knees she knelt on the bed before him, watching him, reaching out with her hand she touched the side of his face. Turning her own face away she reached down, grabbing his hand with her free one, gently guiding it to her waist.

"Hereafter, in a better world than this, I shall desire more love and knowledge of you." She whispered, leaning forward she pressed her lips to his in a gently caress, a brief curious kiss. She was breathing lightly, but deeply, her eyes shutting as she felt the connection begin to form, her smaller hands moving to fist onto his shirt, pulling the larger man down to the bed, their limbs entwining.

Their souls, their minds made love as their bodies slept.

Notes:

"Hereafter, in a better world than this, I shall desire more love and knowledge of you." Is taken from Shakespeare's play "As You Like It."

Chinese translations….

"houzi de pigu" means "Monkey's ass

"Shun-sheng duh gao-wahn." Means "Holy Testicle Tuesday"

"sa gua" means "idiot"