Landing in London 6

by Athena13

Forgive me if the Santi timeline is off. I barely paid attention to the storyline.

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Now
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"I can hear you pacing in my sleep."

Natalie's quiet voice had John halting in his steps.

"Sorry." He came and sat down on the side of the bed. His hand raised to settle on her stomach, but then hesitated.

Natalie reached out and took his hand. She placed it gently on her stomach as she wrestled to sit up. "What's going on?"

"How are you feeling? How's your throat? Do you need water?" John jumped up and moved towards the door.

"Hold it right there, McBain." Natalie, with less grace than she would have liked, stood up and walked over to John.

"Now. What did you find out?" She looked up at him.

John smirked and stroked Natalie's hair.

"I don't need protecting, not from the truth. Never again."

John's smiled disappeared and was replaced by a blank look that was all too familiar. His hand dropped to his side.

Natalie stood her ground, her eyes never wavered from his.

"Ramirez family. They were once allies of the Santi family. They're behind what happened to Cristian and what happened today at the Diner."

"Why?"

"Do they want the money that Antonio inherited?"

"Juan Ramirez is in charge of the Santi organization now, but my colleagues believe it's personal."

"Personal?"

"Carlotta was supposed to marry Juan Ramirez. She refused and ran away when he swore fealty to her brother."

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Then
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"You've been avoiding me, McBain." Antonio walked into John's office without knocking.

"Yeah, well." John ran his hand down the back of his hair and then put his hands on his hips. It was his first day back on the job. He hadn't seen Antonio since their confrontation weeks earlier.

"Now that you're my boss again you won't be able to avoid me. Unless you put me on the night shift. Are you planning to put me on the night shift?" Antonio crossed his arms and looked at John questioningly.

"No, man. I'm not going to put you on the night shift." John smiled and shook his head. He looked down at the files on his desk and then back up at Antonio. "What do you want?"

"Breaking the ice on your first day back."

"Are we good?" John asked, his hands on his hips flaring his jacket behind him.

"We're good. I won't even bring up Natalie for say, oh, another six seconds."

John's smile disappeared and he ran a hand down the back of his hand.

"Do you want to know how she is?" Antonio asked.

"Will you tell me?" John played absently with a piece of paper on his desk, not meeting Antonio's eyes.

"If I do, Jess might kill me."

"Oh, wouldn't want that to happen, Detective Vega." John looked up at Antonio, a "you're whipped" look on his face.

Antonio laughed. "I'll make you a deal. Buy me a cup of decent coffee and I'll give you some clues about how Nat's doing in London."

"Deal."

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Now
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"My God. What kind of sick bastard goes to these extremes decades later because a woman jilted him? That's just insane."

Natalie turned around and sat down on the bed.

"You have a strange look on your face," John said.

"I know it's really sick and it's not love, but to be wanted that much." Natalie blew out a breath. "I don't know what I'm talking about. Forget I said anything."

Natalie got up and walked towards the bathroom. John watched her, a pensive look on her face.

When she came out a few minutes later, her face scrubbed and her long, red hair in a pony tail.

"What you said before. What did you mean?"

"Well, it sounded a lot like I wanted a psychotic killer to seek revenge because he can't have me. It was completely inappropriate."

"I didn't think you wanted another obsessive killer on your tail. But you meant something."

"John, now you're scaring me. You want to talk about my feelings?" Natalie's pony tail swung as she walked over to John and tugged on his blue, button down shirt.

"Natalie. What did you mean?"

Natalie shrugged and turned away. "Just that it might have been nice if you had come after me in London."

"You asked me not to. I was respecting that."

"Or maybe you just couldn't be bothered to make an effort to come after me?"

"God, Natalie. I wrote you a freakin' letter every week. Sometimes more. Did you even read them?"

Natalie turned around and looked at him. Her eyes were wet and she looked suddenly very young.

"I read them. More than once. And I kept them. But it wasn't the same as having you come to London and...and, declare yourself."

"I don't know what to tell you, Natalie." John's words were clipped. "You asked me to not call or come to London. Now I'm being, what, faulted for respecting that? I can't win for losing, can I?"

"No. I guess you can't. Poor, John McBain." Natalie slammed her hand on her dresser, sending her hair brush onto the floor. "You sucked me in only to push me away time and again. The most effort you ever made was to not have me!"

"I couldn't have you, Natalie I could never have you."

At his words, Natalie stiffened and looked up to see his reflection in the mirror from where he stood behind her.

"What the hell are you talking about? I practically put a bow on myself and planted myself outside you door!"

"I was responsible for your husband being killed. Then you were with Paul and bent on self-destruction and all I could do was try and protect you from him and yourself."

"And you handily found Evangeline!" Natalie glared at him.

"Then Cristian came back," John continued as if Natalie hadn't spoken. "Then it wasn't him and then it was. Then he asked me to not tell you it really was him so that you could go on with your life. "

John put his hands on Natalie's shoulders and turned her around.

"What was I supposed to do then? Be with you and not tell you about him?"

Natalie turned away. She put a hand to her chest to ease the pressure. Her breath was short, tears were pricking her eyes.

"Don't you understand? I couldn't have you. But god, I wanted you Natalie. I wanted you so much it killed me. Even without Cristian."

John put a hand on Natalie's hair and leaned closer.

"Because I want you more than I wanted my...Caitlin. I feel more for you than I ever felt for her." John ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I was responsible for her death, too, Natalie. Haver killed her because of me."

"John." Natalie turned her head and tried to put her hand on his arm. John moved back, out of her reach.

"I caused all of this. Cristian's death. Caitlin's death. And it gave me you. Everything I ever wanted and nothing I ever deserved to have."John's voice was full of pain and longing. "The guilt crushed me. Until that night. I took that night."

Natalie watched him, waited. Her blue eyes wide and wet. She knew there was nothing she could say to end this battle going on inside of John that hadn't been said before. That she didn't blame him. That Caitlin would want him to be happy.

"I'm tired of feeling guilty, Natalie. I just want to be with you. I just want to love you and our son. I just want."

Still, Natalie stood waiting.

"That's it Natalie. I just want you."

Now, the tears fell from Natalie's blue eyes. Matching the ones falling from John's.

End...for now