Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! or anything else pertaining to the show. I do, however, own a banana-fudge-sundae. :D
D/N: Hmm... yes... Well, my friend had a laughing spaz the other day, and told me all these jokes, so I figured I'd just incorporate them all into a one-shot. That, and I figured you guys all needed a reminder to know I was still alive and all that.
OooOOOOooO"Ryou..." The semi-albino yami growled at his hikari sitting across from him at the table.
Ryou didn't look up from his novel, but simply sighed in frustration. "Bakura, wait. They'll be here."
Bakura growled again, low in his throat. "We've been here for fifteen minutes, and no one has shown up."
"They'll be here soon enough, Bakura." Ryou replied, flipping the page. The pair were in a little café, waiting for Yugi, Yami, Joey, Tristan, and Tea. The pair were the only ones who had actually arrive on time - 5:30pm, sharp.
Bakura picked up the spoon in front of him, and began to fiddle with it. "I'm getting really bored, Ryou... You know what happens when I get really bored..."
"In case you haven't noticed, there aren't any large cats for you to provoke." Ryou said. "I told you, just let the lion sleep. But of course, you had to start throwing rocks and banish its mate to the Shadow Realm and get two visitors attacked in its anger."
"Lions are not supposed to be caged in a zoo." Bakura rolled his eyes. "They're meant to roam free. It's not my fault those two idiots were in its path of rage. I'd be kind of cranky too, getting locked up for people to gawk at... like myself."
"Bakura, do you even know what happened to them?" Ryou demanded to know, looking up.
Bakura thought for a moment. "Well... I think the little kid needed a new leg, arm, jaw, and a cast around three of his ribs... and the girl needed to go to the hospital after her seizure and from what I hear is still being fed from a feeding tube and probably has irreversible brain damage."
Ryou's eyes went huge.
"I'm kidding." Bakura said. "They're dead."
"You're... kidding, right?"
Bakura shrugged. "Probably."
Ryou rolled his eyes and returned to his book, taking a sip of his coffee. "You're sick, you know that?"
"Hmm..."
The two fell silent once again.
"This is a waste of my life..." Bakura growled.
"Aren't you immortal?" Ryou asked. "I mean, so long as the Millennium Ring doesn't break or something?"
Bakura rolled his eyes and snorted. "Yes, Ryou, I am immortal. But that doesn't mean I have any desire to waste the time that's slipping by now by waiting for some idiot friends of yours when I could be spending my time doing other things."
Ryou looked at him sceptically. "Like what?"
"Like catching up on my work." Bakura replied, yanking out a date-book. "I'm completely behind with Marik!"
"What are you talking about?" Ryou asked him. "Isn't he practically your biggest enemy?"
"No, that's Yami, remember?" Bakura rolled his eyes. "We've put aside our differences temporarily. Besides, we've got a lot of things in common, we've found out. He's the Yami of the Millennium Rod, and I'm the Yami of the Millennium Ring. He hates Yami, I hate Yami. He hates Kaiba, I hate Kaiba. He hates pink and fuzzy, I hate pink and fuzzy. And we've both got a fetish with banishing people to the Shadow Realm."
"So... you're friends?" Ryou asked.
"Oh, no. Of course not." Bakura told him. "I've got to keep in top shape, you know. Once an enemy, always an enemy. When my enemies stop hissing, I shall know I'm slipping and all that jazz. Gotta keep them near me so I know what they're doing, but the relationship can never grow."
Ryou shook his head. "Of course. So you've decided to follow the old saying, 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer'?"
Bakura smirked. "I prefer 'Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts.' But no, I've decided to bring out the worst in my enemies when I'm near them."
Ryou glanced curiously at his Yami. "And exactly what do you hope to accomplish by doing that...?"
"It's the best way to get them to defeat themselves. Remember that, you pansy." Bakura waved to a near-by waitress. "Can I get something to drink?"
The blonde blew a bubble with her gum and let it pop, before asking in a very high voice, "Whatcha want?"
"Mortals..." Bakura growled almost inaudibly, before replying, "Something that doesn't taste like the crap you always give to this guy." He gestured at Ryou, who's eyes widened as he put his cup of coffee down and began to protest. "Shut up, Ryou." He looked back at the waitress. "Why are you still here? A beverage, woman."
The insults seemed to whiz right over the waitress's head. The cook in the back did, however. "But which one?"
Bakura rolled his eyes. "Ryou? What was that stuff that didn't make me puke last time?"
"Hot chocolate." Ryou mumbled into his book.
Bakura raised an eyebrow at the woman. "You heard him. Chop, chop, you inferior working at your inferior job."
"Sure thing, hun." The waitress replied, walking off.
Ryou looked angrily at Bakura. "You shouldn't provoke the service industry. They have ways at getting to you, inconveniencing you, and annoying the heck out of you."
Bakura snorted. "Oh, please. What're they gonna do, blacken my toast?"
Ryou rolled his eyes, glanced at his watched, sipped his coffee, and returned to his book.
Bakura let his eyes wander around to the other customers sitting in the café. They settled on a couple a few tables down.
"That's disgusting." The Yami muttered.
"What?" Ryou asked, after a moment's pause.
"Those two - the ones making out in the corner there." Bakura pointed at them.
"Bakura! Don't point!" Ryou hissed. "That's rude!"
"Well, so is ruining my appetite by making an amateur movie in the middle of this nowhere land." Bakura griped. "I mean, geez... Couldn't they have warned me so I could've grabbed a video camera?"
"Bakura, that's sick." Ryou wrinkled his nose.
Bakura smirked. "Didn't we already establish that fact? But anyway, you can hardly compare my mental urges to these two..."
Ryou sighed, shaking his head. "It's not a good idea to gossip about people."
"I wonder what runs through these people's heads..." Bakura mused. "'Hey, honey, want to make-out?' 'No, let's wait until we get to the café.' It's disgusting."
"Here you go, hun." The waitress said carelessly, walking up.
Bakura looked at what she brought. "What the hell is that?"
"Chef said this was what you wanted." The waitress shrugged.
Bakura grabbed at the bar. "This is a bar of chocolate and a match."
"Yeah, he said you'd need to prepare it a bit yourself." The waitress thought for a moment. "You know, that match might burn out before your chocolate gets hot enough. I could get you a candle, if you want."
Bakura curled his lip, jumped up and growled, "I don't want a candle! I want something to drink. A beverage. One. That. Does. Not. Suck. You know what? Nevermind. Just go. I'm sick of you."
The waitress shrugged again, and whisked away the chocolate, as Bakura sat down.
"What are you laughing about, idiot?" Bakura snapped.
Ryou began to smother his smile by hiding it behind his coffee. "Nothing. But don't say I didn't warn you."
"I'll say whatever the hell I bloody want..." Bakura glared, before resting his head in his hand, propping his arm up on the table. "Where are those freaks?"
"Maybe they couldn't get a ride." Ryou shrugged. "Yugi was catching a taxi. I guess he's having trouble finding one. It is a bit busy this time of day."
"That, and the fact that no nice midgets are good at getting taxis." Bakura mumbled. "It's in their blood and all that."
"Bakura, really." Ryou sighed in frustration, putting his book down. "Can't you just talk about something even remotely civil?"
"Like what?" Bakura replied sweetly.
"Like... like..." Ryou stuttered, trying to think. "I don't know. What do you want to do later in life?"
"Well-"
"That doesn't break any laws."
"In that case-"
"Here, in Canada, America, Mexico, or Cuba."
"Oh." Bakura pouted. "Okay... Well... I suppose... someday I'd like to get out of here and go travel somewhere else."
"You see, now this is a good topic." Ryou smiled. "Where?"
"Well..." Bakura paused, considering this. "I suppose... I wouldn't mind seeing China if I could come back the same day."
Ryou rolled his eyes, and picked up his book again. "You're hopeless."
"I was trying to be entertaining and add some joy to your bleak and miserable life." Bakura grinned. "All you ever do is read."
"At least I can." Ryou replied.
Bakura glared. "That's harsh."
"Hey, it's your own fault." Ryou said. "I offered to teach you to read. But I guess it's true what they say... about the pig..."
"Did you just call me a pig?" Bakura snapped. "What's this idiot saying of yours?"
Ryou sighed, laying his book down once more. "It was 'Never teach a pig to sing; It wastes your time and annoys the pig.' It's very true in your sense. Teaching you to read completely wasted my precious moments and you were just so frustrated that day, you only banished two people to the Shadow Realm since you were so busy setting things on fire and provoking cats and such."
"So you're comparing me to a pig..." Bakura stared in disbelief at his hikari.
Ryou rolled his eyes. "Yes, Bakura. I compared you to a pig since it was a necessary requirement to use that saying."
"So you admit it!"
"Psychopathic, uneducated thief..." Ryou muttered.
"Hey, I'm educated!" Bakura pointed out. "It just wasn't the greatest in the world..."
"Oh?" Ryou raised an eyebrow over his book. "Why is that? Stab too many students?"
"No, I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers." Bakura shrugged. "Well, they weren't disturbed when I got there, but you how things go after a while..."
"Especially with you." Ryou smiled softly. "So, what'd you learn?"
"Not much. Actually, a lot of useless stuff." Bakura told him. "Mostly algebra."
"But..." Ryou protested. "Algebra is one of the most essential parts of math!"
"It's all a waste of time, Ryou." Bakura assured him. "In real life, there's no such thing as algebra."
"You can be so stupid sometimes..." Ryou rolled his eyes. "Is there anything that pertains to school that you're actually good at?"
"Fractions." Bakura smiled. "I'm exceptional at fractions."
Ryou's eyes arched slightly. "How on earth did you learn fractions and not algebra? They coincide so incredibly often..."
"Well, first off, my father taught me a valuable lesson." Bakura said. "You see, he said to me before he began that five out of every three people had trouble with fractions, and he said he didn't want me to be one of those people, since he had high hopes for me and all."
"... Five out of every three people?" Ryou repeated.
"Yes."
"Ah." Ryou said. "Your father seems like an excellent teacher."
"He was, he was..." Bakura thought to himself. "He taught me about the birds and the bees too, you know."
Ryou blushed a bit. "Bakura... that was a little loud..."
"Well, it's not like anyone's here." Bakura snapped. "Besides, his little 'birds and bees' lesson wasn't very useful anyway. He didn't know anything about girls."
"Mm-hmm..." Ryou looked at his watch. "I don't think they're coming, Bakura. Do you want to just head off, then?"
Bakura jumped up. "I was hoping you'd never ask. But can I do just one thing first?"
"What?" Ryou asked, picking up his book and leaving a small tip.
"I feel like starting a grease fire!" Bakura said in a loud voice, so everyone heard. "I think I should through this match that stupid chef gave me into his hair!"
"Let's go let's go let's go." Ryou hissed, rushing out the door.
Bakura followed, sticking his tongue out at the chef and returning the rude gesture that he was given.
"That's the thing about punctuality," Bakura said, once he was outside with Ryou. "No one else is there to appreciate it."
OooOOOOooO
"Where's Ryou and Bakura?" Yugi asked. "Weren't they supposed to meet us here?"
"We said 7:30." Joey shrugged. "Maybe it was a little too late for them."
"Or maybe Bakura was too busy kicking puppies to bother coming here." Tristan suggested.
Tea sighed. "You can never depend on those guys. They never show up. Alright guys, let's head to the movies."
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOO
D/N: YAY! Now you all know I'm alive. I hope you enjoyed this little tidbit. Night all!